My father died today

[Tiberius]

I'm sorry for your loss. There's no one "right" way to feel about this. It's perfectly ok to have mixed emotions about the situation.

This.

Don't feel that there's a right way or a wrong way to feel about this, because dealing with the loss of a person is different each time, because each person is different.

So you'll feel this loss differently to how you felt the loss of your grandma, and someone else might feel the loss of your dad differently to you. Doesn't mean you're wrong.

 

[Danoz]

My condolences. If it's any consolation, I think it's clear from what I know about you that, if you so choose, you'll make a great dad someday. Stay well, man....

 

[TerokNor]

I am sorry for your loss.
When my grandfather, aunt and uncle died I felt sad and reliefed too, but reliefed, because they had suffered so much and still I felt a bit guilty for having that feeling.
It must be even stronger for you reading the history with your father. I wish you strengh to work through your feelings and find peace with them.

TerokNor

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Anyone here actually grow up on a normal household with two loving parents? This place is depressing.

To be honest, yes. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I miss my father everyday, we never went a day without talking.

It sickens me to hear people whine about theirs. Boo hoo. Enjoy every moment you have with him for what it's worth.

I'm sick of this my parents never loved me oral diarrhea.

Given the subject matter of this thread, you should have known better than to make a completely out-of-line and selfish comment like this. Therefore, you have received an infraction for trolling.

Comments to PM.

 

[cultcross]

Squigs, your post reminds me of a good friend of mine whose father left at a similar sort of age - and when I say left, I mean moved to Oregon. He never saw his father again but as his father was the 'mixed race' part of him and was his spitting image (it was uncanny) he never quite got to forget him.
Anyway, a couple of years ago he got word that he'd died, teaching English in Korea. He'd never remarried or had any more kids so my friend was his next of kin. He had a hell of a lot of weird emotions about it all, because he'd had no meaningful relationship with his father, hated him for what he'd done to his mother, and for abandoning them all. But still he felt a weird grief when he died.
What we suppose is that he was feeling grief not really for the man himself, but for the father he never got to have. Grief that the last chance for him to be a proper Dad had passed, and now his father would always be the deadbeat he hated.
In short, don't be surprised if you get some weird-ass emotions (don't do the xkcd hyphen displacement thing with that...) over this. And as others have said, there is no 'correct' way to feel.

 

[Australis]

Sorry to hear this, Squigs. I hope you can come to terms with this. And best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Naira]

I think it is quite normal to feel the way you feel.

My cousin committed suicide five years ago. I remember that odd feeling of not feeling really sad when you are supposed to. A father is different than a cousin, but the fact remains that I rarely interacted with that cousin even though he was one of my closest (and few) relatives. So everyone was trying to comfort me for his loss while I was not really feeling anything - which did raise me some guilt at the time.

I think that every such situation is different. For example, while I loved my grandfather very much, those days after his death, I was not feeling sad at all. For some reason I was glad he did not suffer (he passed away shortly after entering ICU and doctors told us he could remain for years unconscious on a bed) and I was happy for him.

What I want to say is that all feelings are normal depending on the situation.

 

[Holdfast]

And I really don't know how to react.

It sounds like a very complex relationship, so I don't think the above is at all inappropriate. Having that said, I hope you are able to marshall your thoughts and restore a feeling of centredness soon. Good luck.

 

[SicOne]

The death, unexpected or not, of an estranged parent is a complicated thing. It's very valid to not know how to feel about it, and to go through a myriad of conflicting emotions. Don't let your thinking that you don't know how to react to this event bother you. It's a weird time in your life.

I'm not going to blather on ad nauseum and draw parallels to our lives vis-a-vis our deceased biofathers...but I will tell you to be good to yourself and not beat yourself up over not feeling what you think you should be feeling. Or what anyone else is telling you you should be feeling.

 

[Paradon]

Maybe you if you can...forgive him! He's dead already and really there's nothing you can do about him down. I think it'll make you feel better.

 

[PKTrekGirl]

My condolences. Death of a parent is never easy, regardless of the relationship. And I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable, under the circumstances.

 

[An Officer]

Condolences. Hope you can find peace with it at some point.

 

[Candlelight]

My condolences Squiggy. RIP Squiggy Senior.

 

[Sean Aaron]

Maybe you if you can...forgive him! He's dead already and really there's nothing you can do about him down. I think it'll make you feel better.

I guess that depends on if there was any real closure to their relationship. I'm rather estranged from my own father who was an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abused my mother. They split before I was old enough to really understand what was going on and I have no solid memories of us as a family.

He was one of these stereotypes from a country-western song: truck driver, never around, buys the kids stuff to try to compensate but unwilling to make any real effort to be a part of their lives. Eventually I just stopped caring. My issue with him more recently was the failure to make any effort to be part of my daughter's life and frankly it would be easier if he didn't.

Mostly he's been an example of what not to do in the light of my own marital breakdown: a cautionary tale. I cannot imagine he'll be around for much longer after suffering a stroke following a lifetime of smoking, but I don't know how I'll react to news of his death. I expect it will be something akin to relief as well, so you do have my sympathies, Squiggy.