To be honest, yes. I'm one of the lucky ones.
My father died today
- Thread starter Squiggy
- Start date
To be honest, yes. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Sorry for your loss, Squiggs.
Death sometimes brings relief and guilt. I felt that way when my sister passed in September.
My father is estranged from all of us and when he goes, I'm sure the guilt and regret will be there for me too.
Not everyone in in a Cleaver family, you know? Life is at times complicated.
Death sometimes brings relief and guilt. I felt that way when my sister passed in September.
My father is estranged from all of us and when he goes, I'm sure the guilt and regret will be there for me too.
Not everyone in in a Cleaver family, you know? Life is at times complicated.
Yep! My dad actually just called to give me shit for forgetting their 28th wedding anniversary.
I have a rule about stuff like that: If it happened before I was born, I am not responsible for remembering it.
Or I.
And I shall still offer my condolences, Squig. Death has a habit of bringing out a whole mishmash of different thoughts and feelings. Non are ever bad.
Yup.
My condolences, Squiggy. 
I'm another one who is not close to his father. We've hardly said two words to each in about thirty five years. Now he's old and sick and probably won't last too much longer. I don't know what will happen when he dies, but I imagine I will feel a more pronounced version of what I feel now: Sadness at what never was and pity for someone who threw his life away.
I'm another one who is not close to his father. We've hardly said two words to each in about thirty five years. Now he's old and sick and probably won't last too much longer. I don't know what will happen when he dies, but I imagine I will feel a more pronounced version of what I feel now: Sadness at what never was and pity for someone who threw his life away.
I grew up wishing all the time that my father would die. He was a highly abusive, domineering father. I alway believed that he hated my brother and me. You know for making him be responsible for someone other then himself and taking away from things he wanted to do. He was mostly absent when I was much younger, he worked two jobs and he would leave before we got up and come home after we went to bed. However in-between times were left open to his fury. He died from Cancer some ten years ago or so, honestly I don't really remember.
He was divorced from my mom for several years when he was diagnosed with liver cancer. My mom was remarried to a much better man and they had a daughter. I was living with my mom at this time, just have gotten out of the Air Force. I paid rent and worked but was kind of unsure of my direction. I was missing the Air Force something bad and wanted to return, I really liked the structure and I felt important there. Something I have never felt all my time in civilian world. After my dad was diagnosed, he was given three month to live and he didn't even make a month and half. At this time, he had no one. So my mother took him in and he died while I was home in bed surrounded by his ex wife and the sons that resented him so much.
I don't know if watching him pass was cathartic but I let all the hatred go. However I promised myself that, that man was lurking inside me and I would do everything I could to not pass it on. So now being a father to two small children, my two boys one is almost three and the other is 18 months. I work everyday to not be him, to be a loving father and a better man. So far it is working but I think that only because I let go of everything.
He was divorced from my mom for several years when he was diagnosed with liver cancer. My mom was remarried to a much better man and they had a daughter. I was living with my mom at this time, just have gotten out of the Air Force. I paid rent and worked but was kind of unsure of my direction. I was missing the Air Force something bad and wanted to return, I really liked the structure and I felt important there. Something I have never felt all my time in civilian world. After my dad was diagnosed, he was given three month to live and he didn't even make a month and half. At this time, he had no one. So my mother took him in and he died while I was home in bed surrounded by his ex wife and the sons that resented him so much.
I don't know if watching him pass was cathartic but I let all the hatred go. However I promised myself that, that man was lurking inside me and I would do everything I could to not pass it on. So now being a father to two small children, my two boys one is almost three and the other is 18 months. I work everyday to not be him, to be a loving father and a better man. So far it is working but I think that only because I let go of everything.
I miss my father everyday, we never went a day without talking.
It sickens me to hear people whine about theirs. Boo hoo. Enjoy every moment you have with him for what it's worth.
I'm sick of this my parents never loved me oral diarrhea.
I lost my dad 10.5 years ago, 6 weeks after we lost my father in law. He went to the hospital on a Tuesday and was gone by Friday. I'm glad I was able to get there and talk to him before he was gone.
It's sad that my kids don't have any grandfathers in their lives, and actually never knew one.
Squiggy, I'm sorry for your loss. The way you feel about it is the right way. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or react.
It's sad that my kids don't have any grandfathers in their lives, and actually never knew one.
Squiggy, I'm sorry for your loss. The way you feel about it is the right way. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or react.
In a sense, I think everything you're feeling at the moment is a type of grieving, Squiggy; the relief and the guilt as much as any sorrow. You're grieving for your father, and for possibilities, and for what wasn't as well as what actually was. The form a person's grief takes isn't something that can be predicted, and there'll be so many other feelings swept along with it. Like many of our fellows have said, nothing you feel now can be "wrong". So much of who we are is tied to our relationship with others, parents most of all. Even when they aren't there, they are. When they truly leave us, no matter our relationship to them in life, it affects us profoundly. So I would say, don't fight or question your grief, no matter what form it's taking. And we all wish you strength during this difficult time.
Squiggy, I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a parent, especially when you're still pretty early in your life and still starting to build a family of your own.
You and your father may have had a strained relationship but, as you said, there's still that biological connection and perhaps even the loss of re-connecting with your father sometime down the road. You're dulled feelings may be due to being in a state of emotional shock right now, or maybe the strained relationship is enough to dull any emotional pain.
I don't know what you're going through, man, and I cannot pretend to even know, not over the loss of your father or the emotions you may feel about him given the history you and him apparently had.
Anyway, you have my thoughts -for all they worth- on your loss.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You and your father may have had a strained relationship but, as you said, there's still that biological connection and perhaps even the loss of re-connecting with your father sometime down the road. You're dulled feelings may be due to being in a state of emotional shock right now, or maybe the strained relationship is enough to dull any emotional pain.
I don't know what you're going through, man, and I cannot pretend to even know, not over the loss of your father or the emotions you may feel about him given the history you and him apparently had.
Anyway, you have my thoughts -for all they worth- on your loss.
Best wishes to you and your family.
That can come with the territory. My mom was a great mother, and lived a mostly wonderful life, but I still felt relief when she died and yeah, i felt the guilt too.
Keep in mind that what you're feeling right now may be different from what you're going to feel tomorrow, or next week, or months, even years from now. It's a process.
Regardless - I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
I'm so sorry, Squiggy. Give yourself a little time. I suspect that at some point you will grieve for what might have been. If you still can't get a handle on things, consider grief counseling.
J
Jetfire
Guest
Sorry for your loss...hopefully you can find peace.
Squig, you already know this--you feel what you feel. And it's likely to be a combination of emotions no matter what. Even if you two had had a warm and loving relationship.
When I mention to people that my grandmother died, they're all "I'm so sorry" and I tell them not to worry. What was more uncomfortable was my not feeling any need to mourn. I wish I had felt that need. Instead, my entire family just felt, "finally!" that emotional weight was off our backs.
You have a lot of people here willing to lend a hand (or ear or eye) if you want to vent.
When I mention to people that my grandmother died, they're all "I'm so sorry" and I tell them not to worry. What was more uncomfortable was my not feeling any need to mourn. I wish I had felt that need. Instead, my entire family just felt, "finally!" that emotional weight was off our backs.
You have a lot of people here willing to lend a hand (or ear or eye) if you want to vent.
Squiggy, while I have not lost her yet, I have a grandmother who is abusive to her husband and was abusive to her children. Personally, I pray for her--but I have definitely not gone out of my way to visit her because I don't want to be in that environment. And I doubt I will mourn very deeply. Whatever my feelings, I don't intend to feel guilty for them, and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it either.
To your point, too, Miss Chicken, in some ways I am the "favored" one that never gets any abuse because I'm her "only granddaughter"--but once I became an adult, I became very able to see that behavior. How she treats me does not make how she treats anyone else right. I'm sorry your brother couldn't see that, but not everyone in that situation is that way.
To your point, too, Miss Chicken, in some ways I am the "favored" one that never gets any abuse because I'm her "only granddaughter"--but once I became an adult, I became very able to see that behavior. How she treats me does not make how she treats anyone else right. I'm sorry your brother couldn't see that, but not everyone in that situation is that way.
Sorry for your loss,
Condolences to you and yours in this difficult time.
Condolences to you and yours in this difficult time.
