My father died today

[Squiggy]

And I really don't know how to react.

I was raised by my mom. They divorced when I was 4, right after my brother was born. He had weekend custody of us but that petered out to once every other week and then once a month.

Our Christmas presents always were stolen right before Christmas.

He was pretty big into drugs. Treated my mom like shit. Yada yada. Pretty much the antagonist in your standard Lifetime movie .

Aside from an awkward dinner when I was 20, the last time we interacted was when I was 11. It was quick. I really don't remember much. I remember him being huge but when we met again when I was in college he was tiny. Frail. I guess whatever hero-worship I had for him when I was a kid was gone and I saw him for who he really was.

Cut to today. My brother called about an hour ago and told me he was dead. A stomach issue. I prepared myself for the same emotions that I experienced a few months ago when my grandmother died but they're not there.

Not really.

I mean...he was a massive ass. But there's that biological connection that I guess anyone around my age starts to prepare for. The death of a parent. Regardless if you're a close family or haven't seen them in two decades.

I just feel sort of odd right now. Stuck between releif and guilt.

 

[Gojira]

I had a similar experience. I was 16 when my father died. He was an alcoholic and scared the crap out of me. When he died I felt both guilt and relief.

I am sorry for your loss and whatever you're feeling is normal for your situation. You may grieve the loss of the father you never really had. You may feel a whole range of emotions. Be kind to yourself during this time.

Numbness is part of the shock of loss. You may find that passing in a few days or weeks. When the feelings do start to come up find someone to talk to it will help.

Again sorry for your loss and feel freel to send me a PM if needed.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Squiggy, i can only imagine the wide variety of things that you are feeling right now. Please know that i am sending you my most sincere condolences and that i'll be thinking of you.

 

[Vulcan Princess]

I'm sorry for your loss. There's no one "right" way to feel about this. It's perfectly ok to have mixed emotions about the situation.

 

[auntiehill]

Squiggy, let yourself off the hook. You have no reason to feel guilty. You feel however you feel and that's OK. Like Space Therapist said, you may grieve for the loss of the father you never had.

Just know we're all here for you.

 

[doubleohfive]

I'm not going to even pretend to know or understand what it must be like to lose a parent - whether one you are close to or not - but I will just say that you have my condolences Squiggy and that I'm always around if you want to talk/vent/whatever.

 

[doubleohfive]

Squiggy, let yourself off the hook. You have no reason to feel guilty. You feel however you feel and that's OK. Like Space Therapist said, you may grieve for the loss of the father you never had.

Just know we're all here for you.

^^ This. Said way better than I could.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I lost my mother a few months ago and I also didn't know how to react so I can understand your reaction to your father 's death.

From the day he was born my mother focus her love and attention on my brother. During our childhood my mother alternatively either abused or neglected her three daughters. It was not a happy household for us girls and we all left home as teenagers. My mother was also a heavy drinker when we were children. .

The situation didn't really improve as we became adults. Her focus still stayed centered on my brother. It really hurt me when she refused to pay for the phone to be connected to my home when I was deserted by my husband and had to cope with three small children including two disabled children of whom one was very sickly. It would have cost her $150. A few months later she gave my brother several thousand dollars to go on an extended holiday in Europe.

I haven't shed a single tear over my mother's death and I feel a little guilty over that. I did feel relief that I got more in the will than what I expected and I feel guilty over that.

 

[ares93]

Me mates father died a few months ago. A right bastard. He was a mean abusive drunk. He beat his wife like she was a bloody punching bag. Me mate actually pulled a gun on him once when he was beating his sister. There's even a rumor that he shot him, but as far as i know its just a rumor. They're being tight lipped about it, understandingly.

The reason I'm bringing this up, is that despite of all that. Me mate was devastated. He grieved for the memory of his father. Not for the man he was when he died, but for the man he used to be. I mean, he was the nicest bloke until he started gambling when me mate was 14 or 15. I don't remember.

Now while according to your post, you never really had a father-son relationship. But that doesn't change the fact that people grieve in their own way. You shouldn't feel guilty at all.

If i may psychoanalyze you for a moment. Have you thought about the fact that you may feel guilty because of the simply because you're in some way relieved? I mean, by your own words he treated your mum like shit. And now he cant treat your mum, you or your brother like that any more. That would understandingly cause relief. But since he was your father, like you said, the biological connection, you feel guilty about the way you fell about him being gone.

 

[Squiggy]

Well, he really hasn't treated anyone in our family any way in 20 years so I wasn't ever worried about that.

But yeah...the guilt comes from the relief.

 

[Kira's Mom]

There's no right or wrong way to feel, Squiggy. Of course you're going to have conflicting feelings, given the relationship (or lack thereof) you had. *hugs*

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

My experience with my father was very similar. I wasn't sure how to feel at the time. I'm still not sure how I feel about it, really, and it was almost 20 years ago.

The guilt does come with the relief, but with time, I think you realize that the guilt doesn't do you any good. You take care of your own family and take solace in avoiding the same mistakes.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope your guilt lasts for as short a time as possible.

 

[Amaris]

Don't torture yourself, Squiggy. You might think about "what ifs" and "should haves", but things never play out how we want them, really, and sometimes we're not ready for what happens. You're human. My condolences and best thoughts to you.

 

[Shaytan]

Well, he really hasn't treated anyone in our family any way in 20 years so I wasn't ever worried about that.

But yeah...the guilt comes from the relief.

You shouldn't feel guilty. There is no wrong way to react, there is only your way to deal with it.

But from experience (I barely saw my father during the last 10 years of his life for several good reasons) the feelings might come later when you discover that you're more like him than you want to be and you realise it's really a part of you that died.

 

[SmoothieX]

Well, he really hasn't treated anyone in our family any way in 20 years so I wasn't ever worried about that.

But yeah...the guilt comes from the relief.

My father slowly rotted from a rare form of cancer after two and a half years, dying last December at age 61. We were very close. I spent the day with him in the nursing home the day before he died. His body was ravaged, but the personality was still there. That part hurt the worst, I kinda wished he was a veggie and didn't know acutely what he was going through.

When they called the next morning, I saw the call ID, and just knew. It was an odd and surreal day. At one point we're signing off on the death certificate and making arrangements at the funeral home, and a few hours later we're buying dog food, making soup, and watching a football game. I still have a hard time reconciling it.

Just deal with it however feels right. Took me 3 months to get over it, then in the blink of an eye, while staring at a sea turtle 70 miles west of Key West and in a contemplative mood, as my wife was inside seasick, everything just felt ok like that, for no good reason.

I will always miss him, but you just get to a point, seemingly at random, where it's just ok somehow.

 

[Alrik]

Well, he really hasn't treated anyone in our family any way in 20 years so I wasn't ever worried about that.

But yeah...the guilt comes from the relief.

Don't beat yourself up. You feel how you feel, and have good reason to. Let the guilt go, you aren't the cause behind how things have gone. Hang in there.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

The ambivalence is understandable, Squiggy. I felt some relief when my mother died years ago, too. My condolences to you and your family.

 

[The Dominion]

I never was close to my dad either. When my parents divorced I hardly felt anything, I still don't know if I'll feel much when he goes. So, you're not alone in ambivalence there. My condolences.

 

[SmoothieX]

Anyone here actually grow up on a normal household with two loving parents? This place is depressing.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

My condolences, Squiggy.