TOS Caption Contest #289: Captions Everywhere!

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Time for a new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Good Questions" Award, going to:

"Dude! Where's My Starship??"

Next, we have the "On-Set-Shenanigans" Award, going to:

SHATNER: Who the Hell put my bike up there?!
KELLEY: <whistles>

Next, we have the "Liar, Liar" Award, going to:

KIRK: You heartless bastard, you know damn well what happens to a Vulcan's pants when he's forced to lie!!!!

Next, we have the "Death by Snu-Snu" Award, going to:

Kirk: Lieutenant Redshirt, it a given that you're going to die. I'm giving you a choice of poison, lightning bolt, explosives, major head trama ..."

Lieutenant Redshirt: "If I have a choice in the matter sir, I'd like Yeoman Landon to fuck me to death."

Next, we have the "Priorities" Award, going to:

Kirk: "This reminds me...I have a notice I need to pin on the rec room bulletin board."

The Photoshop Award, goes to:

An Award we don't see too often, the Multi-Picture Award, going to:

Kirk: Don't worry, gentlemen, it's just an Amazon drone carrying my latest order.

Kirk: WHY WOULD AN AMAZON DRONE CARRY AN EXPLOSIVE PAYLOAD?!?

Captain Kirk: "Have you considered a name for this new world yet, Spock?"

Mr. Spock: "Yes sir. Considering the atmospheric composition, the odor of the surrounding environment, and the fact I have a huge case of the 'munchies'; I believe a suitable designation for this planet would be, 'Cannabis 4-20.' "

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: Well, Spock. Chained up, again.

Spock: Next time, the logical course of action would be for you NOT to dare our captors to restrain us this way.

Scotty: Boma, does anything happen under there when I do this?

Boma: Seriously, GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Spock: Our search has been fruitless, Captain. We can not find who stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

Uhura: Oxygen, sweet oxygen!

Scotty: Sorry about that. Maybe i shouldn't have beamed you to the Andorians Methane Bathroom.

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise! Spock, what are you doing?

Spock: (over comm) Apollo called me boring. Who's boring now?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Spock: Galileo.

Boma: Galileo.

Scotty: Galileo. Magnificoooooooo!!!!

 

[Maurice]

Thanks for the nod!

KIRK: What do you mean, there's no "safe word'?

BOMA: No wonder we crashed! This oil pan is bone dry! Who the Hell is responsible for the 3,000 lightyear service?
SPOCK: I think I hear my mother calling.
SCOTT: Aye, she's calling me, too!

KIRK: When I said "up your shaft" I didn't mean it literally!
SPOCK: Metaphors are illogical.

KIRK: Spock, that was the most... stimulating transport ever!
UHURA: Ooooh! Beam me again!

KIRK: False alarm, men, Spock's fired the red party streamers, not the phasers.
BONES: I still can't bear to look!

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: It's ours, officer. We just locked the keys inside!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Kirk: "Dammit, Spock! You told me the age of consent here on Camor III was eighteen years!"
Spock: "A Camorian year is 537 earth days long."

Kirk: "What are you two doing up there?"
Spock: "I am hiding from Nurse Chapel."
Scotty: "I'm tryin' to rig a secret video cable to Lieutenant Palamas's cabin."
Kirk: "What are you two, still in high school?!"

Scotty (OS): "How was yer shore leave, Captain?"
Kirk: "Fantastic, Mr. Scott! The Dohlman accidently got some of her tears on Lieutenant Uhura! My God, you should have been there!"

 

[BoredShipCapt'n]

Kirk: "Can I join the human centipede?"
Spock: "Technically, I am not human."

Scotty: "Sorry it was such a long beam-up, sir."
Kirk: "No, it's fine; Uhura fell asleep. Quick, paint those fake pupils on her eyelids like in the animated series."

Kirk: "So this is why T'Pau called us back to Vulcan?"
Spock: "Indeed. If both survive the ahn woon, combat continues with slow starvation."

Boma: "So just who decided to land this thing right on the spot where I was standing?"
Spock: "Dr. McCoy."
Scotty: (simultaneously) "Yeoman Mears."

Kirk: "Who could be out there destroying these priceless historical landmarks?"
Bones: "Jim, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but... in all the confusion, I think I left it in Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi's office."

 

[Nebusj]

Kirk: ``You? Ignored the moderator's warnings too?''
Spock: ``It was … a most difficult thread.''

Work on the shuttlecraft halts as they realize floating in the shuttle's grille is the ghost of Colonel Sanders!

Scott: ``Sae it turns out this tube isn't on a diagonal, we just have a director came here right off of Batman.''

Uhura: [ To herself ] ``Yes, I will kill him today if he introduces me one more time as `the little woman'.''

Scott: ``Stay down, all! If those phasers tell us anything it's that our ship's at most sixty feet off the ground! Ye canna change the laws of perspective!''

 

[f14peter]

KIRK: "I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?"
UHURA: "Oh yes, sir. Scotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful."

CHEKOV: "Keptin! The phaser beams ... they appear veak, out ov scale and barely bewievable!"
KIRK: "DAMMIT! I told Spock to fire the remastered phasers!"

 

[f14peter]

SPOCK: "Gentlemen, it appears the indigenous creatures are now absconding with various items from our landing site"
SCOTTY: "Aye, that popinjay beastie over there is makin' off with the wood blocks I was using to prop up the shuttle!"
SPOCK: "that could result in an unfortunate accident if the shuttle were to suddenly-"
BOMA: "you guys say something?"

KIRK: "The Jeffreys Tube? You can't be serious, the Jeffreys Tube?!?!?!?!?! Really?!?!?!? That's the lamest place to hide! Okay Spock, you're It!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

SHATNER: Next time some fan invites us to their home, say no!

NIMOY: Noted.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the award, LeadHead!

Shatner: Are you two done fixing the [tech] yet?

Nimoy: We will be done shortly, captain. We just need to [tech] the [tech].

Doohan: Aye, and then it's just a matter of re[tech]ing the [tech] flow and energizing the [tech], and we'll be ready!

Roddenberry (off-screen): Dammit, that's the last time I let Time-Travelling Brannon Braga write a script for us!

The Terran Empire of the mirror universe had their Agony Booth. The Federation of the prime universe had the little-known but much more beloved Orgasmo Chamber.

McCoy: What the hell is Spock doing?!

Kirk: I knew he hated Greco-Roman architecture, but this is ridiculous!

Spock (over communicator): Go Gothic or go home!

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: What the hell does a redundant foreskin have to do with this situation??
Spock: Jus' sayin'.

Scotty: Borgas frat! A slim jim could reach the kill switch for us to jack this shuttle faster than you can knock back a slug of whisky!
Boma: I'll get the kill switch!
Scotty: I'll get the whisky!
Spock: I'll get...Jim.

Kirk: How's it coming?
Spock: The Haggis buffet is not logical.

Kirk: Ha ha, very funny, Mister Scott. Where did you beam the rest of me?
Uhura: Tally ho, muthafucka....

Scotty: Permission to ask you what kind of stone this is, sir?
Kirk: Granite!
Bones: Beam me down, Reginald!
Chekov: Now that vas just gratuitous.

 

[Armored Saint]

Thanks for the photoshop award.

Shatner: Are you two done fixing the [tech] yet?

Nimoy: We will be done shortly, captain. We just need to [tech] the [tech].

Doohan: Aye, and then it's just a matter of re[tech]ing the [tech] flow and energizing the [tech], and we'll be ready!

Roddenberry (off-screen): Dammit, that's the last time I let Time-Travelling Brannon Braga write a script for us!

KYLE (os): Transporter room to bridge, we accidentally beamed up two indigenous plants with the Captain and Lieutenant Uhura.
SPOCK (os): Interresting, can you explain what happened?
KYLE (os): Those plants have mouthed and tongued flowers.

SCOTT: Borgias frat, we've been there for three hours and none of those stupid driva asked us if we needed help with our van.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "Dammit! It's stuff like this that f**ks up my Starfleet diplomacy proficiency rating!"

 

[Smellincoffee]

Kirk: Spock, this doesn't really work when both of us are in chains.
Sulu, OS: It does for me!

Security guard, OS: 'ere now, what's all this, then!?

Apollo: I am APOLLO! Worship me!
Scotty: Where's Commander Dawkins when we need him to argue that thing into nonexistence?!

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Chekov what do you make of it?
Chekov: I can't werify these tricorder readings, sir - it's all Greek to me!
Scotty: We have to find his Achilles' Heel!
Chekov: Vell I'm not sitting around here fiddling vhile Rome burns.
Kirk: Now that's a fallen hero!
Scotty: A fallen gyro is a real Greek tragedy!
Bones: Now that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever hoid.

 

[Armored Saint]

SCOTT: Borgias frat, how couda know that giant horse was a trap?

 

[Avro Arrow]

Spock: You *did* ask about the Vulcan "birds and bees", Captain.

Scott: Out of the way, Captain! You're blocking the slide!

Kirk: (breathes deeply) MMmm.... Spock, did you bake cookies while we were gone?

Every morning the Enterprise would wake up the landing party by flashing gentle red strobe lights on their position. Invariably it was Dr. McCoy who had the hardest time facing the new day.

 

[Maurice]

SCOTT: Borgias frat, how couda know that giant horse was a trap?

"Borgias "as in the Cesare and Lucrezia? Or "borgas" as we usually write it? Or perhaps Scotty is referring to Lucrezia being gassy?