TOS Caption Contest #288: The Caption

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New Contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Scientific readings" Award, going to:

BONES: I'm afraid you're registering 8 on the Cooties scale, Jim.
JIM: How high does the scale go?
BONES: 5.

Next, we have the "Official Starfleet Business" Award, going to:

Bones: "Spock, are you sure we look like Old Western bandits?"

Spock: "The quartermaster was out of bandanas. These will have to serve."

Next, we have the "Proper Storage" Award, going to:

Bones: "Well, we lost another one. Throw him into Cargo Bay 2 with the rest."

Next, we have the "Now what punishment shall be done?" Award, going to:

BONES: We were right Jim, it was Mudd who stole your mojo.

Next, we have the "You've got to believe me, Nyota!" Award, going to:

Kirk: There! You see that? The "There's something out on the nacelle" light just blinked!
Uhura: I didn't see anything, captain.

Our photoshop award, goes to:

"Alright, Jim. You asked me what device is used for a Colonoscopy, remember? Well ... here it is! It's not fully-extended, of course. It'll do that, once it's inserted. But don't worry, we'll use plenty of lube. So, let's get this over with, then. Drop your pants and bend over ..."

Uhura: Sir, these lights keep blinking out of sequence.

Kirk: I see...

Uhura: What shall we do about it, sir?

Kirk: Get them to blink IN sequence.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, we begin a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Shatner: Okay, okay! I'll do a "Quit Smoking" PSA! Just stop letting the paramount execs in here at Cigar Time!

Kirk: That's a beautiful, tiny bird. So Majestic, so wondrous.

McCoy: That's a huge bird. So.....

Spock: The word you were looking for Doctor, was hungry.

Kirk: Spock, on a planet run by a sentient computer that makes the inhabitants call it a god, NEVER SAY "May God strike me down!"

Spock: We are cut off from the ship and running quite low on Redshirts, Mister Chekov. You will have to take on more dangerous assignments.

Kirk: Are you sure it's a good idea to inject Spock with a hallucinogen?

McCoy: No, but it'll be entertaining!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "Relax, Spock! It's just a damp, misty fog."
Spock: "I remind you, Captain, we are wearing velour!"

Kirk: "This reminds me...I have a notice I need to pin on the rec room bulletin board."

 

[HarryM]

KIRK: Chapel's Plomeek soup again, Spock?

 

[Noname Given]

Captain Kirk: "Have you considered a name for this new world yet, Spock?"

Mr. Spock: "Yes sir. Considering the atmospheric composition, the odor of the surrounding environment, and the fact I have a huge case of the 'munchies'; I believe a suitable designation for this planet would be, 'Cannabis 4-20.' "

 

[Nebusj]

Kirk: ``Gah, look at this print, so muddy, so faded, you can hardly see a thing. I hope they get around to remastering this scene soon --- ''

Kirk: ``Oh! That's just about perfect! Good job, Paramount.''
McCoy: ``Yeah, and now we're gonna have to buy this episode again? Great.''

Kirk: ``I just want to know, why am I holding a purple-tipped magician's wand along with my dead crewman?''

Kirk: ``Keep ignoring Dr Bashir over there, Chekov, Spock. He just wants attention.''
Redshirt: ``I'm not Dr Bashir!''
Kirk: ``That's just what he wants us to think.''

McCoy: ``Stupid thorns. Do they know how hard it is to inflate a Vulcan back up to 45 psi with only a hand pump?''

 

[Armored Saint]

Next, we have the "Now what punishment shall be done?" Award, going to:

YEAH!

KIRK: What the hell Chekov's doing?
LANDON: He wanted to show me his interpretation of that Russian legend called Tarzan.

KIRK: Why Gene, why did you make me roast my best fried?

 

[Maurice]

SPOCK: Are you certain that is Apollo, again?
KIRK: Mr. Spock, I never forget an "upskirt"!

KIRK: *cough* Okay, I guess Apollo does quality as a "gas giant".

KIRK: Chapel always said Spock was "smokin' hot" but I didn't think she meant it literally.

KIRK: Sorry, Ensign, you'll have repeat that report. I couldn't hear you over Lieutenant Mouth Breather there.

KIRK: Dammit, this "Pinterest" things has gotten out of control!

 

[T'Girl]

Shatner "What kind of aircraft is that Leonard?"
Nimoy "I believe it a NSA surveillance drone Bill."
Kelley (thinking) **Damn, did I forget to file that IRS tax extension request last month?**

KIRK: "I've said it before, but this time I mean it ..."
Spock: "No more burrito Fridays Captain?"

Spock: We are cut off from the ship and running quite low on Redshirts, Mister Chekov. You will have to take on more dangerous assignments.

Chekov unobtrusively pulls his phaser.

 

[Dale Sams]

Lieutenant: "Sir. Permission to shoot myself in the head and get it over with."

 

[T'Girl]

Kirk: Lieutenant Redshirt, it a given that you're going to die. I'm giving you a choice of poison, lightning bolt, explosives, major head trama ..."

Lieutenant Redshirt: "If I have a choice in the matter sir, I'd like Yeoman Landon to fuck me to death."

 

[Maurice]

SHATNER: Who the Hell put my bike up there?!
KELLEY: <whistles>

 

[FormerLurker]

KIRK: Why Gene, why did you make me roast my best fried?[/QUOTE]

Underlined officially nominated as best misquote for this round.

 

[1001001]

"Dude! Where's My Starship??"





Or alternately...

"Captain, I do not believe Starfleet would approve of using the Enterprise to follow the Grateful Dead Tour..."

 

[2takesfrakes]

... Thanks for The Win!

"Hello strange visitors, this is Vaal, speaking. My "children" use latrines, to do their business. Urinating outdoors is very unsanitary and against our customs. What if someone wanted to sit by that tree and gaze up at the clouds - only to end up sitting in your foul reek?! You know who you are ... That's right: I saw you!"

 

[Orac]

Nobody warned the Captain about Spock's uncontrollable flatulence.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Wow, that's the biggest bird I've ever seen!

MCCOY: Second biggest.

 

[Armored Saint]

BONES: Don't worry Jim, he has no more a fiancée waiting for him on his planet, he'll survive.

MARPLE: Toréador, en gaaaaa-rde!
CHEKOV: Redshirt Choir isn't a Russian inwention.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Spock: "Captain, my readng indicate the desnity of the bong smoke is reaching levels that occur from the source. Logic dictates my alter ego Carl Spock is nearby..."

bones: "Damnit, Jim, Spock isn't a Lite-Brite board!"

Kirk: "I was board."

Kirk soon found out the rumor was true: Sulu had a smokin' ass.

 

[HarryM]

MCCOY: Jim? It wasn't Plomeek soup, what happened?

(Kirk remains silent)

MCCOY: Were you playing with your Gorn cannon again?

KIRK: (barely audible whisper) Yes...

MCCOY: What did you hit him with?

KIRK: He said it'd be safe!

MCCOY: WHAT DID YOU HIT HIM WITH?!

KIRK: (sighs) Candy corn...

MCCOY: What the devil?!

CHEKOV: (OC) Invented by a little old lady in Vladivostok.

KIRK: I thought it was invented in Philadelphia?

MCCOY: Atlanta?

SPOCK: (Impatiently jumping up) This is illogical, I am in severe shock and in need of the good Doctor's hocus pocus, and you all argue over a centuries old confection...

(everyone else laughs...then the laughter slowly stops)

KIRK: Wait, this show is only half over, crap.

(Spock slow-claps)