TNG Caption This! #376: Official Business

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New contest and on time!

First up to the plate, it was a three way tie, but all of these are winners in my eyes, so they're all winners! So the "Sharing the Wealth" Award, goes to:

Chang: "Good morning, cadets. I am Lieutenant Chang, an Academy TAC officer here on Relva VII. What I wanted to be was a starship captain, but this is where I ended up. So, if I were you, I'd get ready for four weeks of pure hell."

CHANG: I don't have time to learn your names. So from now on you're "Legs". "Ringo". "Menthol" and "Rainbow Bright".

Chang: The four of you are the smartest, most capable representatives in your age group from across this entire sector. But we are going to pit you against each other in a senseless competition, and ultimately only accept one of you.

Wesley: But if we're all qualified, then how do the rest of us get into Starfleet?

Chang: I recommend starting a bar fight with some cadets. I hear it worked for at least one other genius.

Next, we have the "Lack of confidence" Award, going to:

JAY: Captain, I'm honored to help you, but why didn't you ask to Commander Riker or Lieutenant Worf to change the light bulb.
PICARD: You must have a damn low self-esteem if you think they're more competant than you.

Next, we have the "Perils of Childhood" Award, going to:

Alexander: You're not going to use painsticks on me, are you?
Teacher: I wouldn't want to disrespect your culture. Now go prepare for the Rite of the Lunch Line.

Next, we have the "Storyline Logic" Award, going to:

Data: Strange, logic dictates Commander Riker was the more likely candidate to have a child dumped on him unexpectedly.

Next, we have the "No crush on Crusher" Award, going to:

BEVERLY (Thinking): Come on Wesley, just ask her out. You've got this.
WESLEY: Actually that's a very interesting topic. There are six main families of large carnivorous insects native to Bolias. The first one is...
BEVERLY (Thinking): Sigh...never gonna be a grandmother.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

TEACHER: "Alexander, you're a good boy. But Annie's heading you into trouble ..."

WORF: "If Anakin jumped off a bridge, would you ..."

23 years later….

Commander Gordon: First officer's log. I've accepted my new assignment as the first officer of the Garrett. I told the story of the time I was stuck in an turbo lift with Picard. Nobody still believes me. Not even my kid.

Miss Kyle: ...and he's drinking the blood of his enemies at a 7th grade level!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, lets get a new contest going!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Okay, so maybe Data was right. The Shuttle was leaving at 1300 not 1400 hours.

Troi: Actually, Ro and I have bonded over this experience. There's so many great stories I'm going to tell her.

Data: I call that, "The Destiny of Spock."

Riker: None of you have names or have phasers, so I don't expect you to survive the mission. Well, so much to do, so little time. Beam me up, O'Brien.

Worf: I've been served?!

 

[Nebusj]

Picard: ``Be ready on my mark. Ahem. Red rover, red rover, send Barclay on over! And … mark!''

Riker: ``And … the cybersecurity breach left everyone's holodeck programs open to public scrutiny, you say?''

Wesley: ``So … is this a painting or is it the plot thingy that's gonna be eating our ship in like twenty minutes?''
LaForge: ``Not sure, but just to be safe I'm going to batten down engineering. Just a sec.''

Riker: ``Very well. You can all stand there until someone admits to hanging that giant statue of bacon on the wall.''
Ensign: ``But … why wouldn't someone?''

Worf: ``Madam, was there something about the service which caused you to not tip?''

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RASMUSSEN: Joke's on you, I'm your great great great grandfather.
PICARD: (Vanishes)

RIKER: My father dated Pulaski in the year...OH MY GOD.

WESLEY: Interesting painting. What's it called?
GEORDI: Let's see. ...Riker's colonoscopy.
WESLEY: Your turn to talk to Data.

RIKER: Welcome to Starfleet. By the end of this mission, some or all of you will be dead. Low ranking officers must learn how to survive in Starfleet. The trick is to be interesting to people. The more interesting you are, the more likely you are to survive. But if you are not interesting, for god's sake, don't be overly likable! Likable but uninteresting people are not likely to survive a single mission.

MARR: Oh Worf. Your Klingon hostility reminds me of Renny's teenager years. Escort me down to my quarters and throw some furniture at the wall.
WORF: Umm...ok.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks FTW LH!

Stewart: So, you'll be putting a special effect in afterwards that looks cool so we don't all seem like idiots?

Riker: Troi... Let us never talk of the NX01 hologram again.

Wesley: What's it called?

Geordi: "Memories of Tasha" apparently.

Wesly: Wait... Shouldn't I be protected by the same "Acceptable jokes" clause that covered all the minors in last week's contest?

Geordi: No ones gives a flying fuck about you Wes.

Riker: Ensign Silver Pillar is the only one out of the lot of you who deserves to be in the uniform he can't wear because of the nature of his species!

Worf: Yes Ma'am, I do handle communications as well, but I will not read you your saucy chat up lines to the Captain.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. Unfortunately, due to an unfortunate incident in which the paint used was invisible to Geordi's VISOR, he did not heed the "Caution: Variable Gravity Area" warning. I may need a new Chief Engineer, assuming we can't scrape Lt. LaForge off the ceiling without causing him further damage.

Picard: *Off-Screen* Commander Riker to my personal quarters.

Beverly: *Off-Screen, in the background* Tell him to wear a G-String.

Picard: *Off-Screen* And come wearing your G-String...

Wesley: Yo, I thought I was gonna see some, like, vaginas.

Geordi: I didn't say she actually painted vaginas. I said, some of her paintings looked like vaginas.

Wesley: Uh, seriously? Not even close.

Geordi: Georgia O'Keeffe painted all kinds of stuff. Everyday items, her surroundings. Some of it evoked an erotic nature. It's who she was.

Wesley: Not like any vagina I ever saw. This chick have medical issues?

Geordi: This particular painting... is of a wormhole.

Wesley: Any other wormholes we can check out? Like, real ones or...

Riker: Okay, I gathered you all here so I don't have to make this announcement several times. I have space-syphilis. You all might want to get checked out. That is all.

Marr: And those are just the positions I can do when I'm fully warmed up...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Picard: "So...why isn't Geordi here?"
Data: "Commander LaForge is waiting on the observation deck. He refuses to be on the hangar deck with the doors open and only the force field containing the atmosphere."
Riker: "Since when?"
Data: "Since he discovered that the same company that designed the force field emitters also designed the holodeck."
Crusher: "Oh my God! Is that true?!"

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

One of the best guest attractions on the Enterprise-D was to turn up the humidity and watch Troi's hair explode. It was always a crowd pleaser.

Riker: Mmm yeah, Deanna, just like that!
[Deanna strolls through the Ten Forward entrance]
Riker: (thinking) What the hell? Who's under the table?
Troi: Hi Will. Have you seen Worf?

Crusher: I don't get it. What's it supposed to be?
La Forge: Data's called it, 'My Anus'.

Riker suddenly felt very uncomfortable, being the only redshirt on the Planet of Unspeakable Horror.

Picard: Mr Worf, its only polite to access gifts from out VIPs, even if it is our sex tape.

 

[Triskelion]

TFTWLH!

Picard: Who was that?
Data: Battle Commander Kruge, sir.
Picard: What was he doing?
Data: 88 miles per hour exactly, sir.

Guinan: You want to know how a woman will turn out, just look at her mother.
Deanna <on other side of bar>: Oh William Riker, there you are! Thinking those lurid thoughts about me again, I see!
Riker: Beam me up, Reginald!

Wes: Has Counselor Troi seen this yet?
Geordi: See it? She posed for it.
Wes: Neat!

Riker: All right, which one of you just requested "Nightbird"??

Marr: I ordered a Silicon Avatar, not a Side Order of Asshole.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Picard said he wanted Riker to entertain the admiral's daughter. He didn't mention that the admiral was reptilian, and his daughter appeared to be a constipated T-rex.

Geordi: Look at this, Wes, a wormhole!
Wesley: Meh, I could do that.
Geordi: Oh, come on, kid, it takes a lot of skillful practice to create something like this!
Wesley: Oh, I mean the wormhole. There's a trick you do with the warp core --

Riker: the interviews for the Number One Yeoman's position have begun. You guys in the back, go home, you're through. Ladies, if you will -- follow me...

Riker: Huh, the shuttle bay doors WERE open.
Data: Should we not attempt a rescue?
Riker: Of that guy? Nah. Let him eat space.

Worf: Here is that report of our offensive capabilities you requested.
Patience: Oh, good. I'm to meet with a smuggler friend of mine, and this is just the ship to pursuade him to see my point of view.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "Commander Riker said it reminds him of a vagina. What do you think?
Wesley: "I'm seventeen years old. Everything reminds me of a vagina."

 

[Avro Arrow]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Picard: Um, yes, well. Perhaps having someone aboard the shuttle to turn the phase cloak off when the test was complete would have been a good idea.

Over shipwide intercom: Commander Riker, please report to sickbay. The cure for Andorian syphilis has now been synthesized and is ready for use.

LaForge: These new vidscreens are the latest in viewing technology. They boast 1024K ultima-mega-high def resolution, and are only 8 microns thick!

Crusher: Time Squared? Change the channel.

Female goldshirt: Sir, we're 500 light-years from the nearest starbase and resupply. You may be the first officer, but if you want the last container of real coffee left on this ship, you're going to have to get through us!

Hostess: Which one of you gets the bad news?

Picard: My Klingon friend. It *is* your turn, Mr. Worf.

Worf: Ordering the most expensive wine on the menu is NOT honourable!

 

[Triskelion]

Marr: Please hand me that PADD.
Worf: ...
Marr: The PADD, please.
Worf: ...
Marr: That PADD in your hand, please.
Worf: ...
Marr: Please hand me that PADD.
Worf: .........Here you go.
Marr: I applaud your crew's efficiency, Captain.
Picard: Well, it is an emergency situation.

Wes: He knows there's a holodeck, right?
Geordi: I've told him on numerous occasions.

 

[2takesfrakes]

Thanks for the win! >: )

"You must be the Captain's wife. It's good to finally see him in an age-appropriate relationship ..."

"... Mister Worf!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: This guy is from the 25th Century. Maybe you've heard of him.

RASMUSEN: Damn.

 

[2takesfrakes]

Lwaxana: "... I'm not wearing any panties."

 

[Triskelion]

Wes: Super-intelligent spatial anomaly?
Geordi: Soong's fart lighting chip.

Marr: And what little pageant did you win, dearie?
Worf: Klingon warriors do not win pageants!
Picard: Not with that attitude, they don't! Beam me down, Reginald!

Riker: We've got the keg and the dixie cup dispenser. Are we forgetting anything?
Female Goldshirt: To invite ANYONE ELSE FROM THE MAIN CAST?
Everyone: <Laughs>
Riker: It's a party, not a suicide intervention!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Marr: "Don't cop an attitude with me, Bub! Your eHarmony pic wasn't what I'd call 'recent' either!"

 

[tharpdevenport]

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Log Entry Win

Rasmussen: This reminds me of the time Captain Tucker…

Riker: You mean Commander…?

Rasmussen: ….right

Data and Picard: *looks at each other* Huh?