TNG Caption This! #375: Back to School

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Not on time, but also before Tuesday, so... we'll call it a draw. Come, Patsy!

First up to the plate, we have the "Thank you for flying Starfleet Airlines" Award, going to:

Officer on Bridge: Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridge has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you.

Next, we have the "Honest Critic" Award, going to:

Even this Vortex sucked less than Sub Rosa.

Next, we have the "Dangerous Competition" Award, going to:

Worf: COLLISION IMMINENT!
Picard: I thought she'd break off. I really did.
Riker: Never underestimate Nechayev in a game of chicken!

Next, we have the "I hope there's something in the fine print that will help us out here..." Award, going to:

Geordi: How am I going to explain this to the insurance company? Are we covered for 'acts of Q?'

Next, we have the "Not Safe For Work" Award, going to:

Picard: No teeth, Beverly, NO TEETH!!!

The Photoshop Award, goes to:

BEV: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Personnal log: A gigantic plot-hole appeared when I was alone on the bridge and I'm still fighting to not being sucked outside. I think Maurice Hurley could be back.

Geordi: LaForge to Captain Picard, are you in engineering standing next to a strobe light again?
Picard: Negative, Mister LaForge.
Geordi: Then it's probably another warp core breach.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

Sorry I couldn't be more punctual this time around, but I've had a fun filled extremely busy weekend, so not much I could do to speed things up. Hope to start the next one on Saturday or at least not so late on Sunday.

Speaking of new contests, here's our next installment. Since so many kids (and grown-ups) are heading back to school, lets give TNG's younger characters a chance to shine.

Since these pictures involve kids, lets be mindful of keeping our jokes and gags appropriate.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Chang: ...which has required us to lower our academic standards at Starfleet Academy, but fortunately for you, none of you would have made this far otherwise!

Picard: (thinking) Sending kids to be my pickpockets sounded a lot easier in Oliver Twist.

Miss Kyle: Welcome aboard, Alexander. I understand that you're already 6 years old and that you'll be turning 18 within 6 years, we'd better get you started on the accelerated academic program.

Timothy: What does yours taste like?

Data: Not plasma coolant. They switched our orders, we'd better get you to sickbay.

It's frightening, but Wesley is the best dressed of that group.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Chang: "Good morning, cadets. I am Lieutenant Chang, an Academy TAC officer here on Relva VII. What I wanted to be was a starship captain, but this is where I ended up. So, if I were you, I'd get ready for four weeks of pure hell."

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead!

Chang: I've been told that since you're all minors, I need to clean up my act. Fine. Wesley, where the hades are you from anyway, son?

Wesley: Sir, the Enterprise, sir!

Chang: Holy Targ excrement! The Enterprise? Only Tribbles and Klingons come from Enterprise, Mr. Crusher, and you don't look much like a Klingon to me, so that kinda narrows it down. Were you born pregnant?

Wesley: Sir, no, sir!

Chang: Are you a little cooing fluff ball?

Wesley: Sir, no, sir!

Chang: I bet you're the kind of guy who would wire a homemade tractor beam into the main engines and not even have the courtesy to think to use it to repel a white dwarf fragment heading straight for the ship!

Picard: Okay, now grab that extra large Sickbay lab coat, so we can be the Ship's Most Giant Doctor!

Miss Kyle: ...and he's drinking the blood of his enemies at a 7th grade level!

Timothy: Can you taste the Ex-Lax I slipped in there?

Data: Ex-Lax? Ah, a laxative. It will have no effect on...excuse me, I believe I must excuse myself to the restroom rather quickly...

Doctor Crusher had talked to Wesley about 90's fashions before, but the peer pressure to don a neon jumper was getting too great for him.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Armored Saint]

WESLEY:...I can also sell you that painkiller for Bolians, that's trippy as hell!
BEVERLY: You're better to pay my cut on that, young man!

ALEXANDER: But you told me human women are to fragile for a Klingon man.
WORF: She kicked Tasha's ass at judo, so I think she can deal with a Klingon boy under seven years old.
ALEXANDER: Qapla!

ALEXANDER: But Leadhead told us to keep our jokes and gags appropriate.
WORF: What? She's your new babysitter, not your mate!

TIMOTHY: What a nerd! Where's that Riker dude, he's my new role model.

CHANG: Finalists, please take your seats I'm Tac Officer Chang. Welcome. You are here because Starfleet Academy likes to make fun of teenagers with stupid tests. To join the academy for real, just wait to be 18 and complete that short application form on the website. We accept anybody.

 

[Finn]

23 years later….

Commander Gordon: First officer's log. I've accepted my new assignment as the first officer of the Garrett. I told the story of the time I was stuck in an turbo lift with Picard. Nobody still believes me. Not even my kid.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

MORDOCK: If I may ask a question, sir.
CHANG: Yes Mordock?
MORDOCK: I fail to see the logic of using an academic battle royale as a scholastic selection process. It does not seem like this process is likely to yield the most worthy candidates.
CHANG: Very good Mordock. The incredibly silly selection process is actually one of the tests, which you have passed.

KID: Thank you, thank you! I'll be on the bongos all night!

TEACHER: Here in my class we don't do grades. We don't emphasize skills and performance, we teach kids that everybody is special in their own way just the way they are.
WORF: What if later in life they're stationed on a starship during a war where lives depend on their technical competency?
TEACHER: That is not recommended.

KID: What are we drinking?
DATA: A kind of silicon lubricant, designed to distribute throughout our systems and coat all of our moving mechanical parts. Us androids must drink it every day to avoid long term wear and tear. Since you are an android, you must drink it too.
KID: Of course. (Drinks)

BEVERLY (Thinking): Come on Wesley, just ask her out. You've got this.
WESLEY: Actually that's a very interesting topic. There are six main families of large carnivorous insects native to Bolias. The first one is...
BEVERLY (Thinking): Sigh...never gonna be a grandmother.

 

[Finn]

Alexander: I don't like you

Teacher: Sorry, I'm the only one. Who would you want…that Miles O'body's wife?

Worf: *roaring laughter*

 

[Armored Saint]

The day after Rascals
ALEXANDER: If he causes any trouble, just call me, I'll be sit on my new chair at the tactical station.
WORF: A CHAIR?
ALEXANDER: You should be glad I didn't kick you out of the House of Mogh, loser. So, be a good boy and go play with your classmate Riker.

 

[Armored Saint]

MORDOCK: I didn't know about Zaldan figures, but I know Vulcans aren't androgynous people. Where are your long hair and your sexy dress, T'Sanik?!?!?
T'SANIK: Shit, I was sure I only had to hid my ridged forehead. If I return to Romulus, I'm dead!
MORDOCK: WHAT?

 

[inflatabledalek]

Chang: What, you were expecting a bald Klingon with an eyepatch?

For Inflatable Dalek, finding his stock of appropriate jokes for a caption contest about a bunch of kids was always a challenge.

Woman: Hello there Alexander, today I'll be carrying out your DNA test to confirm your true parentage!

Data: Strange, logic dictates Commander Riker was the more likely candidate to have a child dumped on him unexpectedly.

Beverly: Ah, it feels so good to see children onboard the ship. I'm sure they're all perfectly safe and will never all be killed if we do something stupid like crash into a planet.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Chang: ... so the Klingon hooker said, "For 50 extra darseks, you can keep the Tellarite!"

All: *stunned silence*

Wesley: Uh, sir, there are minors present. Are you sure that joke was really appropriate?

Chang: I'm tweaked out on blow right now, so what the f**k do I care??

Miss Kyle: As your tour guide, I'd like to welcome you to the Museum of Ancient Preschool Toys.

Timothy: Well?

Data: It is... good... but it is no cellular peptide cake.

Beverly, thinking: I wasn't sure at first, but Wes appears to be doing a great job in his new role as the crew's liaison to the Lollipop Guild.

 

[2takesfrakes]

TEACHER: "Alexander, you're a good boy. But Annie's heading you into trouble ..."

WORF: "If Anakin jumped off a bridge, would you ..."

 

[Avro Arrow]

Chang: "Good morning, cadets. I am Lieutenant Chang, an Academy TAC officer here on Relva VII. What I wanted to be was a starship captain, but this is where I ended up. So, if I were you, I'd get ready for four weeks of pure hell."

Wesley: So why would a tactical officer be in charge of our admissions test to the Academy?

Chang: No, not "tactical". See the capital letters? It's an acronym. It stands for Training, Advising and Counseling.

Avro Arrow: Wait... it's been 26 years since this episode first aired, and I'm just learning this now?!?

 

[Nerys Myk]

BEV (thinking): Look at him, surrounded by admiring girls. He's got them wrapped arround his finger.

BLONDE: Okay Weasel...

WES: It's Wesley.

BLONDE: Whatever... Look we need those English essays and History papers by Tuesday.

WES: I'm an acting Ensign, I've got conn duty.

BLONDE: Do you want to be seen with me at the dance or not?

WES: Will we dance?

BLONDE: No! Just get those assignments in. And make each one different. The teacher's getting suspicious.

WES (dejected): Okay.

CHANG: I don't have time to learn your names. So from now on you're "Legs". "Ringo". "Menthol" and "Rainbow Bright".

 

[Nebusj]

So how come the 45-year-old TAC officer here is the only one of this bunch who looks young enough to be carded?

I understand the kid's costume ripped and they had to cover up the spot, I just think they could've drawn less attention to it by pixellating it instead of using a Giant Floating Picard Head.

``I think you'll like our little Enterprise school … for students your age we offer large wooden blocks, multivariable calculus, and balls on wires.''
``You're … not actually accredited, are you?''

``Um … Mister Data? You know that's not a flute you're playing?''
``Is it not? Hm. Perhaps this explains my lack of progress.''

On the next thrilling episode of Zoom: The Next Generation!

 

[Avro Arrow]

Chang: The four of you are the smartest, most capable representatives in your age group from across this entire sector. But we are going to pit you against each other in a senseless competition, and ultimately only accept one of you.

Wesley: But if we're all qualified, then how do the rest of us get into Starfleet?

Chang: I recommend starting a bar fight with some cadets. I hear it worked for at least one other genius.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

T'Shanik: Sir, please clarify the meaning of the phrase "Ha! Gay."

 

[Armored Saint]

MORDOCK: Shouldn't you instead use these arcade machines to make us play space invaders ? Applied astrophysics isn't taught at high school.

 

[Triskelion]

T4TLH!

Chang: All right, who ordered the pizza?
Mordok: I'm sooo wasted!

Picard: Whew, just in time. I never learned the second verse of Frère Jacques. Something about a syphilitic tramp?

Alexander: Why are there space pictures of space all over a spaceship? There are windows.
Teacher: Don't worry, Commander, we'll have that natural sense of curiosity steamrolled in no time.

Kid: So which is it - an internal servo lubricant or a hair product?
Data: It is both!
Kid: I'll take a case!

Beverly: I wonder how Wesley's experiment in using color to antagonize super-sentient spatial anomalies is going?