TNG Caption This! 322: What's Happening to Me

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! So, Saturday became unexpectedly busy, then sunday did too, Monday was crazy and Tuesday was busy too. So sorry I really wanted to get this contest back on the weekend, as it stands I'll aim for this to go to monday so that people have enough time to participate.

First up to the plate, we have the "Questions that need no answers" Award, going to:

Picard: "No Lieutenant, I really don't care what you would do for a Klondike Bar."

Next, we have the "Temporal Interference" Award, going to:

PICARD: You must all listen carefully. I've come back in time to the mission on Vagra II to tell you that it's imperative that Wesley be assigned to this away team. Tasha, beam back up to the ship.

Next, we have the "There goes the insurance rates..." Award, going to:

Alien Space Station: Turn back! You're on a collision course!
Picard: Merde. Deanna's at the helm again, isn't she?

Next, we have the "Tough to memorize" Award, going to:

"'There can be no justice...so long as laws–' Holy Christ, who wrote this?"

Next, we have the "Pon Farr" Award, going to:

REMMICK: Sir, urgent message from your wife: she says that if you're late from work today, you'll regret it for the next 7 years.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

WES: Uh, Captain....

CAPTAIN: Not now, Wesley!

A special award for Extreme Contest Resurrection, goes to:

Picard: "Note to self: No more bets with Beverly, no matter how horny I am. Because if she won once, she can win again, and I can end up doing even more of young Mr. Crusher's homework."

Picard: "Note to self: I HAVE to learn to control myself!"

Picard: "Captain's log, Stardate 4481, wait...Stardate 4471.3, no that's not right either...if today's Tuesday....Damn stardates!"

I admit it folks, I was unable to choose between these two, so they both win!

Remmick: "Ambassador Sarek is waiting to speak with you in your office. Apparently, he has taken offense at your 'earth women are easy' comment."

And...

Remmik: Sir, The Muppet Show called. They need Statler and Waldorf back.

Congrats to our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated! Also, thanks for rolling with it while i continue to be untrustworthy with my start times!

New Contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Phasers on stun.

Riker: Captain, why are you and I going on this mission instead of sending a security team?

Picard: Uh... wait...

Transporter Chief: Energizing Sir!

On the Enterprise you can't avoid your flu shot.

Picard: Picard to Bridge, give me a view of something more interesting will ya?

Crusher: Why did they put superglue on the walls?

Wesley: And one day, I'll have a beard too!

Riker: Oh no you didn't!

 

[Third Nacelle]

BEV: You're next Tasha. Just an antibiotic. Standard procedure after conferences with the first officer.

RIKER: Have you gotten past the water level yet?

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "Phasers on stun, stance to urinal."

Crusher: "Trust me, I haven't mixed up the hypos for prolonged orgasm and prolonged erection this time."
Riker: "Oh, thank God!"

Cmpptns Lgg Splmntl: "Fkckn sprglu prnkstrs hv strk gn!"

Crusher: "What is it with aliens and their anal probes?!"

Wesley: "No Lieutenant, I haven't seen any Klingon gladiator movies. No Commander, I do not want to go to a Turkish sauna, and no Captain, I don't want to see the spout to your teapot."

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

Picard: It's not the setting you have it on, Numbah One, it's how you fire it that counts.

Crusher: You were in an enclosed space with Commander Riker for longer than fifteen seconds, you have to be inoculated against Orion herpes, Rigellian crabs, and Bolian syphilis.

Captain's personal log, supplemental. After seeing the results for Commander Riker, I'm wondering whether I should grow a beard as well.

Beverly regretted taking a chance on that last fart.

Wesley: [scoffs] Who do you think you are? Superman?
Riker: You'd better take that back, Wesley!
Wesley: What's he going to-- [chokes, then starts gargling and gasping]
Picard: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

 

[shivkala]

Picard: Damn it, apparently the new iOS is buggy. My phaser's brick'd. What about yours?

Riker: Same here. I knew we should have listened to Data and gone Android.

Tasha couldn't decide who enjoyed the hypo more, Crusher or Troi. Regardless, she was eager to get hers.

Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. I still can't shake the feeling I've forgotten someth...MERDE, I left the iron on at home before we left spacedock!

Red-Shirted Crewmember: Should we help the Doctor?

Blue-Shirted Crewmember: Nah, when you work in medical, you get used to the Doctor's "I just left the Captain's Quarter's" walk.

Wheaton: Screw this, I'm done with Trek, I'm going to become...AN INTERNET CELEBRITY!

Frakes: Yeah, like that'll ever be a thing.

Stewart: Shut up Johnathan, I want to hear more about this INTERNET FAME! I think young Wil's onto something.

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!

PICARD: Stable and wide stance?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Eyes down?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Weapon in hand?
RIKER: Check.
PICARD: Troi would have a field day with this symbolism, you know.

CRUSHER: Analgesic hypospray for a hickey? I knew that your going out with Worf was a bad idea.

PICARD: Did I leave the cooker on back on Earth? I'm sure I left the cooker on back on Earth...

CRUSHER (singing while walking unsteadily): Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to bed...

PICARD: Generations of Picards have used this pose, boy.
WESLEY: I'm just saying, it looks a bit camp.
RIKER: You're judging him for that?

 

[IzzyAtWarp9]

Thanks for the Special Award (I feel so special!!)

Beverly: ... Well..
O'Brien: Well...
Deanna: Well...
Worf: Well...
Keiko: Well...
Geordi: Well...
Wesley: Well...
Ogawa: Well...
Tasha: Well...
...
Riker: No-one say it or you're dead

Deanna: Great news everyone; Will and I are getting married!!
Beverly: That's greeeeat news. Now stay still while I give
you this tranquilizer

Personal log: After seeing Wesley floating around outside my window, it's my duty to start an investigation into who threw him out the airlock. After all, they need to be congratulated

The holodeck had been broken for 3 months now and Beverly was finding it harder and harder to resist her overwhelming urge... TO DANCE
Beverly: And a one, and a two.. #There's... no business like show business...#

Picard: Give me one good reason that I should.
Wesley: Well I can solve any problem almost immediately, I don't get distracted by girls and I have access to another dimension.
Picard: Hmm... Point taken. Will - you're fired, Wesley is my new first officer

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Riker: "Well, that didn't work. Try dialing in the numerical setting and then hitting the 'set' button."
Picard: "No, that's not right, either. Dammit! Who the hell designed these things!"
Riker: "Probably some kid who's spent his whole life playing computer games 24/7."
Picard: "Ha! Word!"

Crusher (loudly, so everyone on the bridge can hear): "Ah, Deanna! Back from Risa, I see! Don't worry; I've got your customary tri-penicillin injection right here!"
Troi (thinking): "Bitch!"

Wesley: "To be honest, sir, I'm not really getting a 'strong captain' vibe from that pose. It's more like 'pouty girl.'"

 

[Third Nacelle]

WORF: Captain, there's a message coming in on subspace from the USS Al Batani. Their science officer wants her pose back.

 

[Finn]

Wesley: We discussed the Pegasus today..

Riker: What? I..What? I don't...

Wesley: Robin and I just read a novel based on the Pegasus mythology. Why are you nervous?

Picard: Indeed. You are relieved of duty. Spend some time on the holodeck, will you? Take Deanna with you...

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Let's lock and load.
Picard: Oh good, Number One. That's much more pithy than my "Let's eat cheese and surrender."

This will prevent your nipples from violating the prime directive.

Did I leave the leg iron on that Orion fornicatress?

Crewman: Uh oh, looks like Boner is stuck in a "There's something wrong with the universe" loop again.

Crewwoman: Snort. Boner Crusher.

Wesley: I'm sorry sirs. I thought it was No Pants Tuesday.
Picard: No, it's Proctology Pal Wednesday. So you will be needing pants after.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: We'd better get it right this time.
RIKER: Captain and Number One 'D*ck In A Box' parody video, take six.

TASHA: No Deanna, don't! Drugs make you feel good, but take my word, they're not worth it!
TROI: Who invited Carter?

PICARD: Huh. If we're moving at different multiples of the speed of light, how can we see each other so clearly out the window? I should go have Geordi explain it to me again.

BEVERLY: Computer, show me to the part of the ship without tacky art deco wall panels.

PICARD: Wesley, take out the trash.
WESLEY: But I want to fly the...
RIKER: Are you questioning the captain's orders?

 

[Gepard]

TFTW, LeadHead.

WESLEY: According to these readings, their entire civilization is based on the 20th century works of one 'Michael Flatley.'

PICARD: Understood, Mistah Crusher. Numbah One, fetch me my leather negotiating pants and open a channel.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: What you talking about Wesley?

YAR: So. we need this injection every time the Captain begins moralizing?

RIKER: Trust me, it's worth it.

RIKER (texting): u ReD 2 beam dwn?

PICARD (texting):: CU plan8 side.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: I think we can persuade Mr. Leadhead to start the next caption contest on time.

Riker: By pointing phasers at him or offering him a hot night with Troi if he manages it?

Picard: A little of both.

Crusher: And that's... HA HA... just... HO HO... a... CHORTLE... LITTLE PRICK.

Troi: That joke doesn't work with hypo-sprays.

Crusher: DON'T TAKE FROM DOCTORS THE ONE MOMENT OF JOY IN THEIR LIVES.

Captain's Log Stardate 41321.46: Why do I feel people are constantly watching every move I make for the sake of crap jokes?

Crusher: So we have 21st century style computers, but 1980's style hair?

Picard: ... And then you see, what you need to do, is a step to the left...

 

[Nerys Myk]

WES: Uh.. yeah, it looks totally natural, sir.

 

[Triskelion]

Stun their genitals before speaking, sir?
Standard protocol for First Contact, Number One.

 

[Finn]

Captain's Log: We have succeeded in stranding Wesley on a moon with no hope of escape. I've updated my spacebook status. It won't be visible to Beverly.

 

[Cmdr.Druss]

TFTW

Crusher: Don't worry Tasha, you won't be needing this.

Wesley: Then what happened sir?
Picard: And then boy, then I mounted your mother!