I Hate Myself

[Too Much Fun]

Thanks for posting this. It makes me feel better that others can relate to some of the stuff that's been bothering me. I've been in a relationship before, but it was a looooong time ago, followed by many many years of unsuccessfully trying to find a new one. It's left me wondering whether I'd be better off having never had one, because as the expression goes, 'you don't know what you're missing'. And even after reading a post by someone who's never had one, I still don't know what's worse.

Once you've had it and you're unable to get it back, you have no idea how frustrating that is. And I can totally relate to what a drag the wedding was, dude. Amen to that. I just had to go to a wedding for the first time as an adult (the last time I went was as a kid, back when being single at a wedding wouldn't matter) and what a bummer.

 

[Shatnertage]

Also, I've asked out a total of twelve women in my life. Of the nine I didn't get a date from, there wasn't a single one that didn't respond with a resounding "NO!"

At this time I'd like to point out that I've got some completely "normal", well-adjusted male friends who'd love to have a 1 in 4 win:loss record when it comes to getting dates. Good looking guys too, with money. I know a guy who will hit on a dozen women a night and not even get a number, but he does it because he knows once every couple of weeks he'll pick up or get a date.

This is exactly true. If you're not getting rejected a lot of the time, you're not trying hard enough.

I don't know what your approach is, so it's hard to give really specific advice, but I'd say in general if you appear relaxed (no matter how you feel) and can laugh even at yourself, things go a lot smoother. And once you feel a connection with someone, it's almost like mutual gravitational--you just get drawn in.

But that's for later--for right now, start small, with just making conversation. You've had lots of people give you good advice, and it sounds like there are lots of positive vibes flowing your way.

 

[melancholymecha]

As you've probably noted, the root of Shran's unhappiness is his inability to be in a relationship with a woman or interact with women. First, I'd like to say while being in a relationship is a fulfilling and satisfying experience, it should not be the be-all and end-all of human existence.

too bad most of society feels otherwise. :\

Who cares what most of society things? It's your life, live it the way you want.

I know but it would be easier to not be so anxious about stuff like this if it wasnt made such a big deal of wherever you go. Whether its family, friends, strangers, coworkers or the media, it seems if youre not in some kind of non-platonic relationship there's something wrong with you. "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

 

[Robert Maxwell]

too bad most of society feels otherwise. :\

Who cares what most of society things? It's your life, live it the way you want.

I know but it would be easier to not be so anxious about stuff like this if it wasnt made such a big deal of wherever you go. Whether its family, friends, strangers, coworkers or the media, it seems if youre not in some kind of non-platonic relationship there's something wrong with you. "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

Just tell them you're going out with me.

 

[Too Much Fun]

too bad most of society feels otherwise. :\

Who cares what most of society things? It's your life, live it the way you want.

I know but it would be easier to not be so anxious about stuff like this if it wasnt made such a big deal of wherever you go. Whether its family, friends, strangers, coworkers or the media, it seems if youre not in some kind of non-platonic relationship there's something wrong with you. "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

Right on. I hate that shit. We could start a club.

 

[AMQ]

[ "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

My personal favorite: "I met that nice girl that went to elementary school with you, what a nice baby boy she has!"(giving significant look) "wouldn't you like to share your life with someone?" - my grandma

 

[TerokNor]

[ "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

My personal favorite: "I met that nice girl that went to elementary school with you, what a nice baby boy she has!"(giving significant look) "wouldn't you like to share your life with someone?" - my grandma

Ha! You should hear my mother ... and don´t get it wrong, she loves me, I love her too, but sometimes I could just ...."

Mother: *sad look*
I: ???
Mother: I am worried...
I: ... why? *knows what comes*
Mother: That you don´t have a partner. If I could I´d set you up with someone.
I: Don´t!
Mother: *sigh* Well... you are too odd anyway. So difficult, I guess everybody in a relationship with you would run away after a bit. I have given up on ever getting grandchildren.
I: *exploding inside* I see!
Mother: Don´t you have to say something?
I: What should I say to that? You tell me I am hopeless and ODD!
Mother: I only tell you my opinion. You tell me your opinion as well, when you have something to say.
I: Yes, but I am not that tactless!

I was really angry (though only for an hour or so, as I am used to forgive fast...after all, life is too short for being angry too long)!
Anyway I may be a bit difficult in certain things, but I am easy-going in things where others are difficult...and I think I would make a fine partner for the right person! ...AND I have not given up on having children one day!


TerokNor

 

[An Officer]

I think once you understand women are just women whether they're hot or not, your problems will sort themselves out. It is no more difficult to talk to an Angelina Jolie look-alike than it is a Rosie O'Donnell doppelgänger. And you might find that the stunning woman sitting across from you, who you've been awestruck by and been unable to speak with, is not nearly as interesting as the plain woman sitting next to you who you've over-looked simply because she does not fit into some immovable ideal you've fixed in your head.

All of this angst based solely on surface appearances... it really is very shallow and irrational if you think about it. It is understandable in a teenage boy, but I would not really expect it to destroy the life of an intelligent and mature adult male. If I've understood the root of your problem, you have allowed your life to be marred by arbitrary snap judgements on your part on whether a woman is attractive or not.

If you look at this from a long-term perspective, you wouldn't even make those judgements about someone you have been close to for some time, you wouldn't see them any more because they'd be too familiar, and you would respond to spirit rather than looks. I would advise you to work on your depth, get into something that teaches you to treat people as people, rather then pieces of meat.

 

[Jetfire]

^
True. I met a woman one time...possibly the hottest woman I ever had a strong dislike for...she was a horrible person and thought because she was so beautiful and sexy she could get away with anything...so sad.

 

[Kelso]

Shran, as someone with similar, though considerably less severe, social anxiety and self-esteem issues, I feel for you man. You may want to try something less threatening than a dating website. Something like meetup.com might help you get into more social situations with people of similar interests who live in your area. It isn't guaranteed to help you get a date, but I've found that going out and spending time with people is much better for the self-esteem than sitting at home alone ever will- and while the anxiety never really goes away, practice does help you learn to push through it.

Good luck!

 

[RJDiogenes]

I know but it would be easier to not be so anxious about stuff like this if it wasnt made such a big deal of wherever you go. Whether its family, friends, strangers, coworkers or the media, it seems if youre not in some kind of non-platonic relationship there's something wrong with you. "So are you married? oh, when are you gonna get married? how come you're still single!? dont you want to find a nice girl/guy & have a family?"

I usually say something like, "No, I enjoy having a life."

 

[Rarewolf]

I'm not sure if anyone mentioned the more mundane but also important stuff, but how's your haircut? Do you keep in shape? Do you keep your facial hair neat? etc. etc.
I'm just saying that if you change your appearance a bit in a positive way (not saying there's anything wrong with you, but what I mean is for example, I'm 6 feet but 250lbs...i could stand to be 20 to 30 lbs lighter...I got pics in my profile) then not only do you feel better about yourself but that will make others see you differently too.

I'm pretty much in the same boat too, but I don't think telling someone to change their appearance always helps.

I'm short, on the fat side, glasses, with little of my hair left, not much is gonna change in these regards. And except for the weight I'm pretty much content with my appearance - if people won't like me for who I am I'm pretty much past caring.

I tried therapy of various kinds a few years back, I seem to have been forgotten about. Never medication though. I could get depressed about it, but since I got past 30 I don't let it get to me anymore - I'm resigned to my fate.

I've always remember Dr Crusher's line from the Neutral Zone - too afraid to live, too scared to die. sure I'd love a family of my own, adult responsibilities, but at the same time I've always avoided responsibility where I can. I am very much like a kid, I don't really feel I was ever a typical teenager.

I probably would be in a very low place without the internet, it allows me interaction with the world, I've met a few friends by it, it gets me out (half way across the UK )but even dating websites have been a complete waste of time & money. But oddly since it became more a social network I hardly want a Facebook account to show how antisocial I am! I've had a job for the past ten years in a small company so I can't meet anyone there, but I'm too settled to look at a job elsewhere. I've been (mis)using the gym regularly for 3 years too. I enjoy it but the fact some of the girls there are half my age reminds me how old I am.

So I can't say I'm happy (not sure I've ever been happy since I was a child!) but I am content to be content. This game of life is one I don't appear to be playing.

I remember one of the therapy things - how high are you on the ladder. These days I'd rather stay where I am than risk going higher - I'd only fall off eventually. I remember being confident once - huh half a lifetime ago - it made me arrogant, I made mistakes - I fell off that ladder and took ages to get where I was in the first place. Not sure I left the house in a year.

I've suffered odd anxities since I'm old enough to remember, just a pity I didn't know what anxities were back then. Too set in my ways now.

 

[Admiral Shran]

What happened when she said no (besides a bruised ego)? Did your head catch fire? Did you lose your job or pee yourself? Did you end up on the news because of it?

No, none of that happened, but I am usually literally bed-ridden for quite some time afterwards. I understand that rejection is part of the social scene, but unlike others who seem to get over it relatively quickly, it affects me so deeply and depresses me so much that I can't even function. The last time I asked a woman out on a date was a little over two months ago, and that rejection still stings just as bad as it did the first day. In fact, I'm amazed it didn't send me off the deep end again and confine me to my bed.

My personal favorite: "I met that nice girl that went to elementary school with you, what a nice baby boy she has!"(giving significant look) "wouldn't you like to share your life with someone?" - my grandma

From my perspective you're lucky to have people saying that kind of stuff to you. I'd love it if someone said something like to me, just once. Like I said, my family seems to think that me being in a relationship is absolutely unimportant.

I think once you understand women are just women whether they're hot or not, your problems will sort themselves out. It is no more difficult to talk to an Angelina Jolie look-alike than it is a Rosie O'Donnell doppelgänger. And you might find that the stunning woman sitting across from you, who you've been awestruck by and been unable to speak with, is not nearly as interesting as the plain woman sitting next to you who you've over-looked simply because she does not fit into some immovable ideal you've fixed in your head.

All of this angst based solely on surface appearances... it really is very shallow and irrational if you think about it. It is understandable in a teenage boy, but I would not really expect it to destroy the life of an intelligent and mature adult male. If I've understood the root of your problem, you have allowed your life to be marred by arbitrary snap judgements on your part on whether a woman is attractive or not.

If you look at this from a long-term perspective, you wouldn't even make those judgements about someone you have been close to for some time, you wouldn't see them any more because they'd be too familiar, and you would respond to spirit rather than looks. I would advise you to work on your depth, get into something that teaches you to treat people as people, rather then pieces of meat.

I never said that looks are the only thing that matter to me. Of course personality matters as well. I'm just not going to lie and say that looks mean nothing to me.

Heck, the last time I went out on a date (a blind date), the woman was drop-dead gorgeous. But I realized I wasn't interested because I could tell from one date that our personalities didn't match. She hated reading literature; I love Shakespeare. I like going to the theatre (movies and plays); The last time she went to a theatre was to see Twilight. She loved to do things like go to car shows and participate in truck-pulls and demo derbies; I hate that kind of stuff.

 

[sidious618]

For what it's worth, Admiral Shran, I would run away if someone liked Twilight, too. I joined a dating site and someone messaged me, "Saw you're an English major. I love to read. Ever read those great Twilight books?"

Delete.

 

[captcalhoun]

i would've replied, 'no, because i'm an english major, i actually have taste...'

 

[TerokNor]

Are the Twighlight books that bad? Everyone around me loves them, a friend has read them multiple times by now and can´t get enough. She dragged me to the movie too, and I decidet thats something for teenagers who need to moon (thats the right word isn´t it?) over some boys ... don´t really understand the hype about it. Though my friend told me the books are way better then the movie.

Ahh...you like Shakespeare? So when I try to get through it in English may I come back and ask your help now and then, if something is unclear?

TerokNor

 

[RJDiogenes]

No, none of that happened, but I am usually literally bed-ridden for quite some time afterwards. I understand that rejection is part of the social scene, but unlike others who seem to get over it relatively quickly, it affects me so deeply and depresses me so much that I can't even function. The last time I asked a woman out on a date was a little over two months ago, and that rejection still stings just as bad as it did the first day. In fact, I'm amazed it didn't send me off the deep end again and confine me to my bed.

I've been turned down by many women over the years-- far more than have accepted. The same is true of every guy on this Board (except maybe Holdfast, but he wears all those weird clothes-- too high a price to pay, in my opinion ). So there's no reason to take it personally or be overly upset.

Heck, the last time I went out on a date (a blind date), the woman was drop-dead gorgeous. But I realized I wasn't interested because I could tell from one date that our personalities didn't match. She hated reading literature; I love Shakespeare. I like going to the theatre (movies and plays); The last time she went to a theatre was to see Twilight. She loved to do things like go to car shows and participate in truck-pulls and demo derbies; I hate that kind of stuff.

This is the main problem I've always had. No matter how nice they are, or pretty, or how well we get along, almost none of them have ever come within a parsec of syncing with my lifestyle.

By the way, you may find this amusing:

 

[Cheapjack]

Admiral,

There's no law saying you have to have a girlfriend, not at the moment. You can't get one through medicare. It's one of these things where you have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, and define yourself as someone worth dating.

You must have something that makes you dateable. Being nice is a good selling point. Sell it.

With me, I can talk to women, get them interested, even share a rude joke, talk about incredible things, but my nerve goes at the final fence, the asking out bit. My mouth goes dry, my leg trembles, my bottom lip quivers. They pick up on it. You might not get that particular problem, if you are nice and look within the normal range. If you can get them to trust you, if you have established yourself as trustworthy, you might leap over that one and clear it. They might ask you.

You need balls and incredible cheek to do it. You'll be amazed the women you can pull and how easy it is to charm them.

Being nice is a good selling point. Women do like nice men, every now and again. Aim low, or you'll be too good for anyone. As long as she has had a wash, doesn't have any diseases and isn't going to walk all over you and treat you bad, you can start there and go upwards.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Aim low, or you'll be too good for anyone. As long as she has had a wash, doesn't have any diseases and isn't going to walk all over you and treat you bad, you can start there and go upwards.

 

[An Officer]

^ Desperate situations call for desperate measures!