Wow! I thought I'd get a response, but nothing this big. Thanks to everyone who commented.
Just some things I want to respond to....
I guess what this all boils down to is, focus on building yourself up first. Nurture some interests, get some friends (both male and female), stop thinking negatively about yourself all the time. As you get to know more people, relationships will follow naturally from that. You'll find women with common interests and maybe hit it off with someone. But first you need the confidence to crawl out of your shell and actually interact with people. Don't tolerate negative thoughts toward yourself. Just don't. When you catch yourself thinking something negative, put a stop to it and replace it with something that's good about you. There is being accountable to yourself--which is a good thing--and then there's self-hatred, and I think you're very much in the latter box at the moment.
I've been trying that very thing. As I said, my therapist has been using cognitive-behavorial therapy. I give myself positive self-talk dozens and dozens of times every day. Yet, when the moment of truth comes every day and I face a situation of talking to an attractive woman, I freeze.
The other thing is, you know that relationships aren't all happy, right? Sure you might see bright shining faces, and weddings, and babies, but you don't see the rest of it. You don't see the fights and the doubts and the hurt. It's also possible to be happy without a relationship.
Finally, if your anxiety is so crippling, have you tried talking to women online? Not as a means of pursuing a relationship, but just to chat? To get some practice. I don't know what exactly happens or what you feel when you talk to a woman, but it might be a place to at least start.
I know that relationships aren't all wine and roses. I'm perfectly ready to face all the drama, hassle, and fighting because it's got to be better than all the heartache I'm feeling now.
And, I have tried talking to women online just to chat. However, even then I was too afraid to say anything. I had to have my best friend sitting right next to me literally whispering words into my ear to write. In fact, that's how I got two of the three dates I've been on - my friend helped set them up by telling me exactly what to say.
I don't remember you having problems replying to female posters here on the BBS. Do you check a poster's gender before responding to their posts? So what's different? They still have a vagina, breasts, and all the nice girly bits. The difference is that here you are not concerned about their gender, but their opinions.
There is a difference, IMO. The fact that I can keep my real-world identity a secret through my
Admiral Shran handle allows me to have more confidence. If people here knew who I was in real life (such as by me posting pictures of myself in the MOAR PICS thread) I wouldn't say the things I say.
Someone saying "have confidence in yourself" or "don't be so anxious" is equivalent to saying "You won't have this problem if you don't have this problem." Well, duh.
That pretty much sums up my feelings on that matter.
To this I would add, girls don't bite
I've been bitten quite few times. Of the three dates I've been on, two ended with the woman flat out telling me she wasn't interested (the third was a blind date I was set up on, and this time I wasn't interested - though I hope I let her down easier than those other two let me down).
Also, I've asked out a total of twelve women in my life. Of the nine I didn't get a date from, there wasn't a single one that didn't respond with a resounding "NO!"
I think you'd be a good friend.
*blush*
Do you have problem talking with the women you are not attracted to, too?
Yes, but to a far, far lesser extent. In fact, after my sister's wedding last October I went to an after-reception party. There were men and women present. I could converse with all the women, because I wasn't attracted to any of them, and with the men. However, there was one woman there who I found moderately attractive and I couldn't open my mouth to save my life around her.
i used to be nervous around girls, until i started treating them like boys. (well, considering my peers in high school, i treated the girls nicer) mind you, taking a class in an all-girls school when i went to an all-boys school also helped. when you're one of five boys in a class of thirty, you soon learn to communicate with females.
I've tried that route. Back when I was an undergraduate most of the students in my department were female. So, I ended up being in a lot of classes where women outnumbered men. In fact, I was in more than one class where the only men were me and the professor. Still, I just sat there and didn't say anything or contribute to the class discussions because I was so anxious around the women.
Almost hate to say it, but Shazam!'s suggestion just might be one option.
I have actually been giving that very idea some serious consideration.
I'm guessing that you have no difficulty interacting with female co-workers, store checkers, waitresses, etc.
Actually no, I can't even interact with my attractive female co-workers - people I see virtually every day. As for store clerks and waitresses - same thing. I'll always try to approach them, simply to either pay for my purchases or order a meal, but I still can't do that. I often end up going to another clerk or waitress. And if I have no choice but to deal with attractive ones.... well, there have been many times when I've just retreated from the store/restuarant without saying anything.
There came a time in my life where I had to choose between acting on my feelings for someone and risk making a fool of myself, or lose that opportunity through inaction.
Something very similar happened to me once. I once had a female roommate when I was an undergraduate (it was me, her, and another guy). One night we were all out at a dance club and I had to choose between asking her to dance or doing nothing. I picked the second option. Long story short = while she continued to be my roommate, she ended up marrying the very next guy to ask her to dance. So that's why I said, in your B5 review thread, that I have a lot of sympathy for Lennier.
Pills don't give you confidence.
No, but alcohol does!
Ah, if only I had a higher tolerance. But three drinks puts me under the table.
With regard to your family and friends, forgive me, but it sounds more and more as I read through this post of yours that you want or expect them to solve this problem for you.
No, all I ever wanted from them was a shoulder to cry on and maybe a little encouragement (something along the lines of "Good looking women will be interested in you.") I never wanted them to solve my problems for me, just a little sympathy.
This is going to sound super-douche-y, but I think this thread needs a healthy dose of perspective. Personally, while I sympathize with your overall situation, I think this is pretty goddamn selfish of you. It's your sister's big day and all you're thinking about is yourself?
That's why I did all I could to remain calm and straight-faced that day - I didn't want to ruin it for everyone else. Thankfully I was successful in that regard. However, that ended up adding to the pain.
(and I find it interesting that you say your therapist is a woman-- do you have a hard time talking to her?).
No. But then again, I don't in any way, shape, or form find her attractive.
It wasn't easy, and I often find myself sliding back into my undesirable habits, but I do try not to.
) case, the first four times. But you know what they say, fifth time's the charm. 
