I Hate Myself

[Amaris]

Do keep in mind that it's unhealthy to have your happiness solely hinge on having a relationship. I'm not in a relationship but I'm still quite content (well, most of the time but when I'm not has little to do with a relationship).

People are wired differently. What works for one person may not work for another. There are people who are asexual who could live quite contentedly their whole lives without ever experiencing sex. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like that idea applied to yourself, just as I wouldn't, just as Shran wouldn't. It's not simply that a relationship makes the difference between being happy and unhappy, but it certainly helps heal one of the most fundamental needs of most human beings.

True but if you're not happy with yourself then you're not really healthy enough to be in a relationship.

That means there are a lot of very unhealthy people. I guess what has to be done is figure out what makes one unhappy. If it's not being in a relationship, then the solution is to find a relationship. Of course, to find a relationship, one is usually happy with oneself and has enough courage to step forward and look for one. If one is unhappy, they don't look for a relationship because they are too unhappy to consider themselves worthy of one. It's a really vicious cycle.

To break the cycle, one has to take a step into territory they may not think is safe, but sometimes you have to take that risk. As long as you don't take the risk, you will likely fail in finding a relationship and being happy.

 

[sidious618]

That means there are a lot of very unhealthy people.

Yes there are.

 

[Amaris]

That means there are a lot of very unhealthy people.

Yes there are.

I think most people are hypochondriacs. We find so many twinges and aches that we stress ourselves, find so many reasons to say we are ill, that we actually make ourselves sick with worry. So we get sick, and we fulfill that self inflicted prognosis.

The same applies to relationships, that we are social hypochondriacs. We are so unhappy because we perceive ourselves to be full of faults, whether it be age, weight, social mastery, money, career, that we stress ourselves with these faults, and condition ourselves to aim low or not at all, so that we end up fulfilling our decree of loneliness.

If we can get around that damaging mindset, I think people would be a lot happier. It would help if people would stop trying to make themselves out to be more than they are, to create a false image that they feel they must achieve. We're our own worst critics, and we get exploited to sell shampoo and jewelry, and I think that is a big part of it all. Sex sells, but shame creates far more potential customers.

 

[Admiral Shran]

To break the cycle, one has to take a step into territory they may not think is safe, but sometimes you have to take that risk.

True. Earlier in this thread I agreed to submit some pictures of myself to one of the Picture Threads here in MISC for that same reason - to step into risky territory.

I think I'll do it again. Watch out Picture Post, here I come.

 

[Jenee]

True but if you're not happy with yourself then you're not really healthy enough to be in a relationship.

One doesn't have to be a unhealthy to want to be in a relationship. If either John or ... well, I admit, I didn't read the OP, so I can't comment on what he said, but if someone was so unhealthy that they had to be in a relationship to be happy, then they would have been in a relationship with anyone since their teen years.

Once people reach a certain age, and achieve a certain level of experience in life, most start thinking about being in a relationship. Some just think about it more than others.

 

[Mr Radioactive]

That means there are a lot of very unhealthy people.

Yes there are.

I think most people are hypochondriacs. We find so many twinges and aches that we stress ourselves, find so many reasons to say we are ill, that we actually make ourselves sick with worry. So we get sick, and we fulfill that self inflicted prognosis.

The same applies to relationships, that we are social hypochondriacs. We are so unhappy because we perceive ourselves to be full of faults, whether it be age, weight, social mastery, money, career, that we stress ourselves with these faults, and condition ourselves to aim low or not at all, so that we end up fulfilling our decree of loneliness.

If we can get around that damaging mindset, I think people would be a lot happier. It would help if people would stop trying to make themselves out to be more than they are, to create a false image that they feel they must achieve. We're our own worst critics, and we get exploited to sell shampoo and jewelry, and I think that is a big part of it all. Sex sells, but shame creates far more potential customers.

I think you make a great point about how our culture can be harmful. But I don't agree that people are unhappy because they perceive themselves to be unhappy. I think its more complex. I think that a person has to try to develop their personality. This is a process, and it takes a lot of time and hard work. It requires education, experience, self-knowledge, courage, and a lot of other things too.
I think the point Sidious618 made is that a person should be mature and independent before they begin a relationship with someone else. People can have unrealistic expectations about romantic love.

 

[Listener4]

I am definitely my own worst critic. Many people have complimented me on my appearance, dress, character, intelligence, cultural taste and some girls have been very interested in me, but I have always withdrawn if not actively pushed them away. At the same time rather than aiming low, I have extremely high standards, to the point where I feel I couldn't possibly reach them myself. I sometimes wonder if this is really just another way to push people away.

My friend tells me that I am afraid of being hurt, and I think that's true, but far more it is the self loathing, the incessant self criticism, to the point where loneliness and alienation become part of my identity.

That's where the willpower is needed, a determination to change that mindset, to free myself from this mental prison to a point where I can accept myself and let someone in.

 

[Cheapjack]

I'm in a loop, and slightly comfortable with it, too. The pain is quite enjoyable. I keep on going, cos I know there is a possibility that I will meet someone who I can hit off on, who will be as ambitious as I am, or who will let go, and who won't dump all over me. But, it takes willpower to do it, to jump through the hoop that she wants you to jump through. To be protective, to show street smarts, to show you can look after her, be the big guy. At least, to control that quivering lip and leg.

You don't always need a titanic effort. Just a well timed, moderate one, at her command. Just keep getting up, feeding and interacting with people. It's bound to happen eventually.

 

[thumbtack]

Be careful what you wish for.

 

[Nardpuncher]

I am definitely my own worst critic. Many people have complimented me on my appearance, dress, character, intelligence, cultural taste and some girls have been very interested in me, but I have always withdrawn if not actively pushed them away. At the same time rather than aiming low, I have extremely high standards, to the point where I feel I couldn't possibly reach them myself. I sometimes wonder if this is really just another way to push people away.

My friend tells me that I am afraid of being hurt, and I think that's true, but far more it is the self loathing, the incessant self criticism, to the point where loneliness and alienation become part of my identity.

That's where the willpower is needed, a determination to change that mindset, to free myself from this mental prison to a point where I can accept myself and let someone in.

Is that you in your avatar?If so you look fine. You really haven't ever been on a date?

 

[sidious618]

True but if you're not happy with yourself then you're not really healthy enough to be in a relationship.

One doesn't have to be a unhealthy to want to be in a relationship.

That's not what I said.

 

[Gotham Central]

I'm curious if there are support groups out there for guys like us that have never been on a date or had sex?

I know that personally it would be nice to have people that I could relate to. I'm gay but can definitely identify with just about everything said here.

It would definitely make life easier to know that one is not alone in this.

 

[Amaris]

I'm curious if there are support groups out there for guys like us that have never been on a date or had sex?

I know that personally it would be nice to have people that I could relate to. I'm gay but can definitely identify with just about everything said here.

It would definitely make life easier to know that one is not alone in this.

Yes. You have a name, too. It's called Incel (Involuntary Celibacy). Here's a good site:

http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/

They are very supportive, and yes, I was a member there.

 

[Gotham Central]

That's awesome!

 

[Listener4]

My avatar is a picture of Giuliano Carmignola a baroque violinist most known for his performances of Vivaldi.

I'm thinking of posting a picture of myself. I've been pushing myself a bit out of my comfort zone this year and that would definitely qualify.

There is both the incel support and loveshy forum. I've read on both extensively though not recently. The loveshy forum tends to be a bit more depressing, but I think people are more honest in their thoughts and feelings.

 

[Nardpuncher]

You can also create an album in your profile. I have one.
Sorry ladies...I'm taken!

 

[Jetfire]

Here is the lesson Shran, Be social, take risks & focus on doing what you love.

Serious...I know people are laughin' at me...Hypnotherapy.

 

[Admiral Shran]

I actually did look into hypnotherapy once. The doctor I saw told me that he didn't think it would help me at all and refused to do it.

I haven't given it much thought since then. Maybe I should look into seeing another hypno-doctor.

 

[Finn]

Get a dog. According to my fiancée, the real Finn helped her notice me.

 

[Nardpuncher]

Oh yah dogs! You will get hot and cold running chicks with a dog.