Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #571: The Doctor is in!

[tharpdevenport]

Riker: "We no longer need fear the banana."

 

[IMC Headquarters]

PICARD: You know, Commander Riker, we have to talk about your misappropriation of ship's resources. The tractor beam is not a facial grooming instrument. Is it, Doctor?

CRUSHER: Safer than the phaser he was using last week...

 

[JesterFace]

Picard: Guess what colored shirt this dude was wearing on that away mission?
Riker: Don't say red, we have red ones.
Picard: Don't worry, our shirts are more burgundy.
Riker: I was about to ask you about that.

 

[IMC Headquarters]

PICARD: Hmpf! The windows are the wrong size.

CRUSHER: Worf? Confine the Captain to sick bay. I certify him unfit to command.

 

[IMC Headquarters]

RIKER: What? Is Nurse Ogawa diagnosing patients again?

 

[IMC Headquarters]

RIKER: What? You thought you'd get rich by becoming a doctor? This is the 24th century--we don't use money!

 

[IMC Headquarters]

RIKER: Data! Quick! Re-initialize the EMH's deactivation sub-routine!

 

[IMC Headquarters]

PICARD: Captain Archer's crew encountered something similar. His Chief Engineer lost control of his bowels uncovering its hidden depths, I'm told.

CRUSHER: He was the first man impregnated by an alien, too. I wonder what else he got up to? Will? Perhaps you should look into it for us on the holodeck, sometime.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Picard knocks, four times.

Worf: Who's in there?
Crusher: The Doctor.
Worf: Doctor Who?
The Doctor (from inside the TARDIS): Exactly!

 

[shivkala]

Crusher: Oh, yeah, I can see. It's coming in nicely. Should be full and thick by season 2 at this rate!

Picard: The devil you say?

Troi: I know I'm the patient and all, but maybe you wouldn't get so many headaches if you turned the lights on in this place instead of trying to read the tricorder in the dark.

Crusher: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Nurse: I go to a lot of parties.
Crusher: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your quarters. Give me your passcode.
Nurse: I am not giving you my passcode.
Crusher: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Nurse: What's the hard way?
Crusher: I go down to the security office on my lunch break. I tell a security officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your quarters. He requests a hearing from Starfleet and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will hop in a turbolift and get over here, and make you give him the passcode to your quarters, and you will have to obey him.
Nurse: Yeah, let's do it that way.
Picard: Nurse, is she bugging you? Beverly, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, Doc. It was one joint in the shuttle bay. You know, you're totally harshing the ship mellow.
Crusher: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Riker: Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Crusher: I volunteered for this job.
Riker: And that's not the same.
Crusher: It is my duty...
Riker: [interrupting] Volunteer duty.
Crusher: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Picard: [fake coughing] Narc!
Ogawa: [giggling]
Crusher: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Michael: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight: Well, you have...
Picard: Uuf, well...
Crusher: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Picard: [shakes head] Okay...
Crusher: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Picard: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Beverly, please, God! [to Riker] Dude, where's my ready room? [Riker quietly laughs] I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Riker: Well, your ready room is up on the bridge.
Picard: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?

Crusher: Captain, I must see you urgently about some, um, medical emergency that cannot wait.

Riker: Captain's about to get LAID!!!!!!
[/QUOTE]

 

[Leviathan]

Crusher: This will make you hear the captain's accent as English instead of French.

 

[Leviathan]

Picard: Steve Austin....RedShirt. A man barely alive...
Crusher: We can rebuild him.
We have the technology.
We can make him better than he was.
Better, stronger, faster.

 

[Leviathan]

Doctor Rumack: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.

 

[Finn]

Chief Medical Log; Despite Lt. Worf's insistence that it was delicious, I've cautioned the senior staff that the sample may pose some kind of threat to the ship

Worf: (OS) Just like mom's blood pie.

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Beverly: Jean-Luc, I insist we return to starbase immediately! We simply must have a toilet on the ship.

 

[inflatabledalek]

We're back baby!

Crusher: This will immunise you against all the STD captions this picture will get.

[I}Captain's Personal Log: Turns out this episode was originally written for Kirk. So I'm hoping for a shag later.[/I]

Crusher: According to my diagnostic, the cause of your migraines is the weight of all that hair.

Riker: Why restaurants can't just serve your food on a normal plate these days...

Crusher: How long before turbolift control comes to fix this wall? I can't hold it up all day.

 

[Herbert]

Riker: Is this the vitamin shot that's supposed to help with my.....uh......problem?
Crusher: Yes, #1's little 1 should rise to the occasion now.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Riker: "Vaccination?"

Bev: "Facial hair follicle stimulator. We had a senior staff meeting; the baby face has to go."

 

[Mr Soak]

Crusher: They call me Doctor Frankenstein. I have no idea why. There. I've tightened the bolt.

Crusher: Watch out, Jean-Luc. She's a vampire.
Picard: How can you tell?
Crusher: She's all sparkly.
Picard: Have you been reading Wesley's young adult fiction again?

Crusher: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
Troi: You have a headache.

Riker: This new 3D printer is incredible. What is it printing?
Crusher: Instructions on how to use the 3D printer. I prefer reading printed text.

Crusher: I'm a Doctor, not a doorstop.

 

[Finn]

Chief Medical Officer's Log; That was a close call. I was able to convince the crew that the serum was for some kind of virus. It doesn't look like any of them remember the dancing I did at the starbase last night.