TNG Caption This! 312: Bring on the comedy

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Before my apologies for my tardiness, lets gets some winners on the board!

First up to the plate, the "Screw Diplomacy" Award, going to:

Picard: Mr. Worf, loathe as I am to admit it, diplomacy, at least in this case, isn't working. Phaser the sonuvabitch!

Next, we have the "WHOOPS!" Award, going to:

Geordi: "LaForge to Picard, we've had a database error and all the beverages have been replaced with laxatives! Might want to keep away from the replicator."

Next, we have the "Oh, dear..." Award, going to:

Riker: "I see that Lwaxana made it, but her clothes didn't."

Picard: "Just kill me now, Number One."

Next, we have the "OUCH!" Award, going to:

FRAKES: Look Denise, it's your future career path!

Next, we have the "Touchy situations" Award, going to:

Picard: Admiral, may I request that Mr. Laforge take over you've had the right blinker on for a distance of 1,000 light years.

Captain's Log: Stardate 41...errr lets see, there's a 1000 stardates in a year, we're three months into the year and five and a half hours into the day mean it's... Christ, why can't we use real dates?

Two great photoshops fought it out in my brain and I couldn't choose. Both win!

"You guys got a 'Skywalker' up there?"

And...

Picard: "I assure you--in all seriousness--it is a weapon! Now, I suggest you stop laughing and raise you hands like Mr. Worf said!"

Many thanks to all of our participants and congratulations to our winners!

So, times are busy in the crazy world of LeadHead, and will be for the next month. I'll do my best to be punctual, but I doubt I'll be entirely successful. So please bear with me while I go through the busy times.

Thanks!

And now, a new contest!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

\

Picard: Engage.

Riker: To where?

Picard: Whoops.

Data: While you're in there, could you program her to like whatever I get her for mothers day?

Worf: Captain. MRS. TROI?!

The crew went to extreme measures to keep the ships chocolate supply safe from Troi.

Picard: Perhaps it would be best if you left us alone and just mind controlled Wesley...

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Dibs.
Ro: Oh no he di'in't!

Data: I'm confused. I thought the patient was required to be pantsless for this procedure.

Geordi & Crusher: <Pretend not to hear>

Worf: Did you wash your hands? And do not say -

Picard: No! Captain's prerogative! <Wipes hand on Worf's sash>

Troi: It's some kind of - force field!

<Data & O'Brien eyeroll each other>

Picard: Ugly bags of mostly water! Prepare for destruction! Ha, just yankin' your chain. Whassup?

 

[shivkala]

Thanks, as always, for the win!

Picard: Lay in a course for Alpha Trion 3, Ensign. Eng---er, Number One, why is our navigator facing the wrong way?

Geordi: Data? Are you sure this is supposed to be Dr. Soong's wife?

Data: Yes, Geordi. Why do you ask?

Geordi: Well, she has a lot of sex doll subroutines programmed into her neural net...

Worf's plan to blow off work with two crew members to get an early start to the weekend hit a snag.

Possessed Troi: Did you two know about this forcefield?

Possessed Data: Of course.

Possessed Troi: And you couldn't warn me? Why?

Possessed O'Brien: For the lulz!

The 24th century version of "The Little Man Who Lives in the Refrigerator and Turns on the Light When You Open the Door," it's "The Alien Who Lives in the View Screen and Turns it on When Commanded."

 

[Nerys Myk]

Troi began to suspect there was more in the brownies than chocolate.

PICARD: Conan, we wanted to let you know that Leno is actually leaving this time....

PICARD: You might want to let that air out for a while.

PICARD: Ahem.....

RIKER: I'll have her remove it immediately

 

[bullethead]

The Enterprise's high navigator turnover rate meant that Ro surviving threw everyone for a loop.

Geordi: Let's see... 50 teraquads of documentaries, 200 teraquads of porn, 30 teraquads of scientific knowledge...
Riker: Dr. Soong had some interesting... priorities.

No one expected the Picard Inquisition.

Captain's Log, supplemental: Having overshot my intended target time and date of return from the Nexus, I have decided to take steps to prevent the destruction of the Enterprise-D.

Picard: Did you honestly think you would win? You're just a butt-headed alien of the week. Your people will never be seen or referred to after this episode, while we will get 7 TV seasons, 4 movies, and countless novels. We have something you will never have - the support and backing of the writers... and liberal amounts of plot shielding.


Deep in the recesses of Paramount's studios, a cabal of executives are responsible for approving and vetoing the TNG creative staff's ideas. Today's topic: whether Data should wear a red shirt.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "Make her sew."
Ro: "I ain't no goddamn seamstress!"

Data: "Perhaps you should reconfigure the secondary neural net buffer to handle multiphase processing and ease the burden off the primary buffers."
Riker: "I still reckon all she needs is a good lube job."
Crusher: "That what you said about Deanna when she was in here with a headache last month."
Riker: "It worked, didn't it?"
LaForge: "Stop back seat engineering!"

"Captain's Personal Log. I have located the one spot on the bridge where a shadow is cast that makes it look as if I still have a head of hair. The downside is that the port turbolift will now be out of commission as long as I remain Captain of the Enterprise."

Data: "Nice ass."
Troi: "Thanks... About this forcefield..."

What's the point of buying an HD screen if all you get is SD channels!

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the 'shop win

Geordi: *thinking* Nobody is the wiser. Only if they knew I was using this thing to download her thoughts and emotion database. Barclay and I will be able to pick up women in no time after a couple hours in the holodeck

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW, LeadHead!

PICARD (to RIKER): Pull my finger.
RIKER: No way; I've seen this one before.
PICARD (to RO): Pull my finger.
RO: You're a disgusting old man, you know that?

DATA: ... so he said, "woah there Doc, I'm no brain surgeon" and she said, "don't worry, neither am I", and then they just cracked her open and got to work.
RIKER: Hmm, well, it sure sounds like the start of a joke, but I don't think we're going to get a funny ending.

PICARD: You might want to give it a few minutes before going in there.

Lost TNG Episode #184: The crew get trapped within a mysterious alien snowglobe. Troi attempts to communicate telepathically with it, with unexpected but hilarious consequences.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Captain, what are you doing?
Picard: I'm crushing her head!
Riker: You're pinching her puppies, aren't you.
Picard: Tee hee!

Crusher: Careful, Geordi. You burned out her spare emotion chip.
Geordi: I don't want to be late for lunch, it's green jello day.
Data:...?

Worf: Was there any green jello left?
Picard: Sorry, there were only six. Maybe next year.
Worf: I SHOULD KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!
Picard: I wish you would, that was too much jello!

Troi: I'm serious. One little blinky light to tell you there's an active forcefield. Instead of people bumping into them nose first all the time.

O'Brien: An engineer's gotta get laughs somehow.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RO (thinking) In a different universe, I'd frakking kill both of them.

DATA: Odd, she only came in for a trim and color touch up.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Riker: "The pull my finger gag again, sir?"
Picard: "No, just pointing. Learned my lesson from that brat Wesley. He wouldn't stop pulling until I sharted!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: She's Bajoran, sir. An apparently well known race we've never heard of until right now.

PICARD: Ah, I see. Carry on.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Picard: "Will, look at this! Is that Ensign Ro manning Ops?"
Riker: "No, sir! That's your finger!"
Picard (sighs): "Idiot."

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: What is the meaning of this?
Riker: Sorry, sir. There weren't any naive twenty year olds on the transport this week.

 

[doubleohfive]

PICARD: I can't quite put my finger on it, but... something isn't right here.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: What have you found?

Geordi: Nothing yet. But these lights keep blinking out of sequence.

Riker: Well, get them to blink IN sequence!

 

[Finn]

First Officer's Log. Next time LaForge finds a sex file, make sure it's not of Dr. and Mrs Soong. I'll never be able to unsee what I saw in the holodeck.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: I can't quite put my finger on it, but... something isn't right here.

PICARD: Now I recall, John Travolta and Eddie Vedder joined the crew at Starbase 121.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Thank you for the win, I didn't think that lame old one had a chance,

Worf: "Captain, you don't look well are you ok?"

Picard: (groaning and wincing ) "You might want to stand up wind, those Orion taco's aren't sitting well"

Data: "Holy mother of pearl....Red alert!" (as Worf & Riker pass out)