TNG Caption This! 312: Bring on the comedy

[Triskelion]

Geordi: Here's the problem. Somebody replaced her cognito-heuristic subprocessor with - an old Norelco shaver rotary head.
Riker: <Whistles and backs out of room>

 

[Vassa]

Picard:See how she completes the whole Feng Shui of the bridge, Number One?

Riker(whispering):You've got one weird family, Data. I thought mine was weird, but Damn!

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Why does she keep moaning "Jim, oh Jim!"?

DATA: Doctor Soong used parts purchased from a Mr Flint when building his androids.

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

Picard: Wait, Number One. Since when did the Conn Ensign have lines?

La Forge: Commander, you have to take it easy with these older models--they're not designed for such vigorous usage.
Riker: Geordi, if I buy a sex robot she better be fully functional!

Seeing the queue waiting to get onto the lift, Picard regretted letting one off just before the doors opened.

Even as the forcefields closed in, Data couldn't help checking out Troi's ass.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Stewart (to director): "Just a moment. According to the script, post-production is going to put a plain, old Federation shuttlecraft on the screen in this scene. Should she really be that gobsmacked over that?"

Picard: "Going somewhere?"
Worf: "Curses! Foiled again!"

 

[Isis]

Person in chair (to self): "This was a lousy episode. Maybe I can find Voyager or Enterprise on one of the other channels."

 

[Triskelion]

Crusher: Now remove the funny bone.
<BUZZ!>
Crusher: Ah you blew it! My turn.

 

[Finn]

Picard: *thinking* Thank God we don't have a Ktarian kid aboard

 

[Smellincoffee]

Riker: You're making a mate for Data, Geordi? You turned me down last week when I asked you to be my wingman in Ten-Forward!
LaForge: This is Data's mother, commander.
Riker: Oh.
Data: Have you ever read the works of Sigmund Freud, Commander Riker?

One second after Worf growled, "Who's been holdin' up the damn elevator?!"

 

[T'Girl]

Riker: "Mister Mot is going to be pissed when he finds out you two have been cutting into his action."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Data: "Doctor, would you be so quick to make these kind of changes to her personality if she were a human being instead of a machine?"
Crusher: "Of course not. Any more stupid questions?"
LaForge: "BURN!!"

 

[Finn]

\

Geordi: This is odd. I'm finding a file saying she has a sister who went off to Turkana IV and married a man named Yar.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Patience, Data. "Operation: Cougar" is almost a go.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Where's your big lolly?
Worf: We are not the lollipop guild!

 

[Isis]

Captain's log, Stardate 45345.6. Beverly swears by her new hair transplant technique, but I told her I'll pass.

 

[Isis]

Riker: "Now what's this stuff that Dr. Crusher's lately become so big on for her brain surgeries?"

Data: "I believe she called it 'ee..." <brief pause> "er, now I remember,-'epoxy-glue.'"

 

[Isis]

Crusher: "Nah, I can do this with my hands tied behind my back. What do you think this is, brain surgery?"

Picard: "I have the greatest knock-knock joke for the Ensign."

Riker: "All right, let's hear it."

Picard: "OK. Here goes...Knock-knock."

<very brief pause>

"Who's there?"

<very brief pause>

"Ro."

<very brief pause>

"Ro who?"

<very brief pause>

"Ro, ro, ro your boat."

Ro and Riker both do face palms.

 

[LeadHead]

Ro: Isn't something supposed to be happening by now?

Picard: Like what?

Ro: Like a new contest starting?

Picard: Yes....

Riker: Don't worry Captain, I'm sure that LeadHead will start a new contest in the next 2-3 days.

 

[Finn]

Geordi: Can you believe that?

Beverly: What?

Geordi: How lame Leadhead's post was. There's no way Ro and Riker let alone anybody would talk like that either in trekverse or the real world.

Beverly: I see your point.

Geordi: I mean Ro turning around with that look asking if something was supposed to happen. Picard barely replying. Riker reassuring Picard about Leadhead getting around to starting the next contest. Riker's too much of a buffoon to talk like that, really.

Riker & Data & Beverly: *nods in agreement*


Geordi: Yup, now let's find the next caption this contest in Mrs. Soong!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: What are they working on, Data?

Data: Dr. Crusher was most insistent, Commander. She refuses to let Juliana leave the operating table until she figures out her secret.

Riker: What secret is that?

Data: I believe the Doctor intends to learn the proper pronunciation of a certain cooked bread product.

Riker: Ah...the "kway-sawnt" again.