This girl confuses me......

[BoyNamedSue]

Late last year, I was living in a certain large American city, when I met a beautiful girl on e-Harmony. We were supposed to meet for a date, but she cancelled a few days before because she saw my Facebook page and decided that I was too "country" for her (which is ridiculous.......I just happened to be wearing a Wrangler shirt in my profile pic, which I RARELY ever do......and I said on my profile that I like Country music.......otherwise, I'm not country or rural in the least).

OK.....fine.......nice talking to you........and I assumed I'd never hear from her again.......It was around that time that I was laid off from my job and had to move to my hometown 250 miles away anyway for another job (she and I, as it turns out, are both from the exact same part of that state.....we grew up 60 miles apart).

Lo and behold, she is dating other guys, but she wants to talk to me......ME.......on Yahoo Messenger every night. We finally met in person in April (but NOT as a date) and have met twice since then. She now lives near my sister, so I went to visit this girl "Katie" last weekend. We spent a lot of time together and we had fun......and she told me that she also had fun.

I'm still very attracted to her.....I told her this last summer, but she said "I'm sorry."

Guys hit on her all the time because of her good looks.......She also gets a lot of dates. I have decided not to make my attraction to her an issue anymore, because she said twice that the interest isn't mutual.

But HERE is my question........She dates a lot of guys, most of whom she throws to the curb..........She has plenty of female friends, but no guy friends because she said most guys hit on her......so.......WHY does she spend a lot of her free time talking to me online and texting me during the day if she isn't attracted to me?!?!?!

I'm just wondering why she singled me out of all people to have a close friendship with, especially since we met online and have met in person less than five times?

This has been going on for almost a year now. I just think it's odd that she would latch herself onto me like this, especially seeing that we met online, and especially since she said she isn't attracted to me.

What do you all think?

EDIT: Oh yeah......she takes Xanax for anxiety problems. I wonder if this affects her state of mind.

 

[thestrangequark]

The only person who can answer your questions is her.

 

[kes7]

Um, run away?

That's my advice, anyway.

 

[BoyNamedSue]

OK, let me rephrase......

Is this COMMON behavior for most girls?

Do girls latch themselves onto guys like this, even if they aren't attracted to them?

Because I always thought girls never paid this much attention to a certain guy unless they were attracted to him.

 

[JuanBolio]

You seem to have been shuffled onto the dreaded "friend" list. Almost every girl has one, in my experience. It usually consists of genuinely nice guys who care deeply about the girl, often romantically, but whom she would usually never consider dating or even sleeping with for some unknown reason... maybe they're kept on as an ego booster? I don't know.

It is almost impossible to jump from the friend list over to the dating list, which usually consists of relative jerks who care little for her and treat her poorly, and whom she ultimately cares little about, and yet dates and fucks.

Go figure. Your own mileage may vary - this is just based on my own personal experiences. But yes, it is common for a girl to have a close male friend who is attracted to her and whom she knows is attracted to her, but does not return the affection. I've been there many times, and it usually ends in me telling the girl to get lost because I can't stand seeing her throw herself at assholes who don't care about her half as much as I do. If you can't get what you want and it kills you to see her give it to damn near everyone but you, just get out. Best thing you can do.

 

[Mr. B]

Um, run away?

That's my advice, anyway.

I was thinking the same. I would be paying more mind to how she treats others than whatever interest she has in you.

Personally I find going through lots of guys quite unattractive... and the necessity of controlled substances to moderate her behavior... problematic at best.

 

[Finn]

I think she's doing it with you because she feels safe, since you are probably aren't like the guys she goes out with. It doesn't mean she has feelings for you. But like TSQ said earlier, only she can truly give you the answer.

 

[JonathonWally]

his girl confuses me......

That's what they do.

 

[JuanBolio]

I think she's doing it with you because she feels safe, since you are probably aren't like the guys she goes out with. It doesn't mean she has feelings for you. But like TSQ said earlier, only she can truly give you the answer.

This is true. If I were you, before I make the decision to ditch her, I'd ask her flat out why she can't bring herself to be with you.

 

[Joshua Howard]

I am inclined to believe that online dating websites have a very large number of people on them who are in one way or another poor relationship material. Good, solid relationships are the ones that form as the result of commonalities discovered through life shared together and built upon in a natural, not forced manner.

The person who you are going to settle down with is more likely to be someone who you spent the last five or ten years working with, going to church with, or otherwise just being around and getting to know... than someone who you scarcely know and have for a common link only a URL.

Think of romance like this: Of all the random folks in there, 0.1% of them - 1 of every 1,000 - is a good match for YOU. You can find that person by randomly picking folks off of an online shopping list of dateless individuals, or you can hold for a while and let natural selection do the work for you. In all probability, the person who best matches you is doing, at this present time, the same thing that you are. When you get where you are going in life, you'll meet the right person at the right time.

Here's another way to think about your girl problem; do you see yourself marrying this Xanex addict? That is probably a stretch, which means that there isn't any good reason for you to linger. Change you IM address and count yourself redeemed. Get out while you can, and be free.

My advice is not to settle for anything short of absolute perfection when it comes to women. The reason for this policy is that there aren't any perfect people; but if you can tell at a glance that a person is messed up, chances are you are going to really regret the day you find out all the intimate details.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

Juan Bolio is right. She is using you because you are nice and convenient. If you want to keep her as a friend than forget ever dating her and put her in the friend zone too. If your still hoping for more forget and dump her.

 

[sidious618]

I'm not sure what to make of this girl. I'm rather leary of her to be honest.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Nothing of substance to add, but I agree with the general consensus. I don't think there are conflicting signals here: for whatever reason, she wants you to be her friend, but she had made clear she isn't interested in you romantically. I know it sucks, but that's the way it is. Don't confuse her communications with something more, which sounds like wishful thinking.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I think she's doing it with you because she feels safe, since you are probably aren't like the guys she goes out with. It doesn't mean she has feelings for you. But like TSQ said earlier, only she can truly give you the answer.

This. She doesn't see you as a threat.

 

[Arrqh]

I am inclined to believe that online dating websites have a very large number of people on them who are in one way or another poor relationship material. Good, solid relationships are the ones that form as the result of commonalities discovered through life shared together and built upon in a natural, not forced manner.

While I agree with the general consensus of the thread, this isn't really accurate at all. In general when you meet someone online you talk for a while and then meet in person to see exactly what commonalities you have and if you feel any sort of connection... exactly what you would do if you met someone anywhere else. Looking at it as a "shopping list" is exactly wrong... it's just another place to meet people, same as any other.

 

[thestrangequark]

Here's another way to think about your girl problem; do you see yourself marrying this Xanex addict?

I find comments like this ignorant, boorish and unnecessary. I cannot speak with certainty without knowing her or her situation, but, expierence dictating my opinion, I am inclined to believe that when someone is taking a prescribed medication for an issue like anxiety disorder, it is because that person is making an active effort to improve herself and her life. She is not drowning her problems in alcohol, or just ignoring them in hopes they'll go away -- she is mature (in this regard) and self-aware enough to recognize that she has a problem and can work to improve it. A person's use of a prescribed medication is no reason to discount them as a possible romantic interest. She has social anxiety, she's not a psychopath! She takes a prescribed drug as treatment -- should someone think I'd be trouble as a partner because I inject insulin for type 1 diabetes?
Besides, people who don't have issues of some sort or another are either lying or boring. Sue, don't base your decisions on the fact that she's taking a medication unless there are some other serious factors involved which you haven't shared. Taking a prescribed dose of Xanax is most likely helping her to be calmer in social situations, as was intended, and is unlikely to be altering her mind or behavior in any way that would contribute to the kind of behavior you're describing.

Frankly, it sounds as if she's either oblivious, in which case you ought to do as I suggested in my first post and ask her what she's up to, or behaving like a bitch, in which case you have to weigh whether or not it's worth it to you to spend time with someone who treats you like this.

 

[Kestra]

Wow, thanks tsq. I take Xanax for a medical condition and some of the things said in this thread do hurt a bit. I'm not perfect--far from it--but I'd like to think I can still be a good friend, lover, productive member of society, good person, etc.

Dealing with mental health issues and seeking treatment for them is difficult enough without having others make you feel like you're not worth their time because of it.

 

[Data Holmes]

Everything I was going to mention has already been said. So, I'll just say that you should listen to TSQ on this one. She nailed it down best.

 

[Captain Ice]

tsq has hit it squarely on the head. The only person who can answer your questions is her.

If you don't get the answer you want, put her in the friend zone yourself. Failure to do so will only result in problems for you.

 

[Joshua Howard]

Here's another way to think about your girl problem; do you see yourself marrying this Xanex addict?

I find comments like this ignorant, boorish and unnecessary.

Agreed; I rescind my comment on grounds that it was poorly thought out and unintentionally harsh.