Contest: ENTER ST:VOY Caption Contest #238: The One Where the EMH Has a Psychotic Break
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DOC: I know you tried to erase my 'Old fashioned photography' subroutine. Now I'm going to take even longer to get the best shot.
SEVEN: Computer, inquiry. Define fanservice.
COMPUTER: This angle.
DOC: There, we saved her life. The princess of a people who it's a cultural taboo not to have any relationships and who pass horrible diseases to any aliens on contact."
KIM: "How YOU doin?"
JANEWAY "What's wrong?"
DOC "Just went to the future and saw what happens to Icheb."
JANEWAY: I just went to the future just so I could see the Department of Temporal Investigations agents cry."
Bonus Picture:
WILLIAM SHATNER: They let me go into space just because I famously pretended to go into space. WINNING.
Harry: "So, what did you tell Starfleet through the wormhole message about 7?"
Doc: "Well, I told them she hated everybody aboard, tried to betray them the first chance she got, engaged in a grand conspiracy that pitted crew against each other, had an obviously ill-fitted and ill-advised romance with the second in command, lead me on with my delusional computer-simulated feelings, and never really connected with the crew. Naturally we were in agreement: she should be in command of the Enterprise eventually."
EMH: "How do you like my "you're going to be just fine" face?"
Kim: "I thought that was your "my chin is glitching again" face."
EMH: "Well-"
Kim: "Or your impression of a window with too many tabs open."
EMH: "Just stop."
Woodcotay: "I heard Harry questioned you about the rank pips again."
Janeway: "He found out about the secret promotion party for Tom. Then he found the box of pips I usually hide in a box that I keep one second out-of-sync with time so he can't see it, and grabbed it."
Woodcotay: "Then what happened?"
Janeway: "So I says to him I says: 'Now Harry, don't be greedy; pass it along and make sure everybody gets a pip.'; so he passed it around, we all got more than we should and by the time the box got to him, it was empty. Told him the pips were like torpedoes and shuttles -- Starfleet only sent us out with a limited number."
Woodcotay: "Nice."
You guys are just evil... but have no fear. Retribution is at hand!
HARRY: "So then the captain says: "The pips are like torpedoes and shuttles -- Starfleet only sent us out with a limited number."
EMH: "And you bought that?"
HARRY: "Of course not. I'd already secretly pocketed all the pips and replaced them with micro canisters of barf gas. Which will release in exactly five seconds. Everyone wearing a new rank pip is about to blow some serious chunks."
[Five seconds pass]
EMH: "Hmmm... looks like the janitorial crew are going to be putting in some serious overtime."
Star Trek viewer (offscreen): "Bow before me and my mighty pause button! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
You guys are just evil... but have no fear. Retribution is at hand!
HARRY: "So then the captain says: "The pips are like torpedoes and shuttles -- Starfleet only sent us out with a limited number."
EMH: "And you bought that?"
HARRY: "Of course not. I'd already secretly pocketed all the pips and replaced them with micro canisters of barf gas. Which will release in exactly five seconds. Everyone wearing a new rank pip is about to blow some serious chunks."
[Five seconds pass]
EMH: "Hmmm... looks like the janitorial crew are going to be putting in some serious overtime."
EMH: "So, can I see the pips?"
Harry: "Sure, I have them right here..." bends over.
the EMH hypo-injects Harry with sleeping serum.
EMH: "EMH to Captain Janeway: He fell for it. Pips recovered."
Janeway (over the comm): "Good work, Doctor. Take an extra one off his collar to teach him a lesson."
Alas, Harry replicated a neuro-stimulant beforehand, and promptly awakens with an evil grin on his face.
HARRY: "Computer, deactivate EMH."
EMH: "Now wait just a minu..."
He vanishes. The rank pips patter to the deck. Harry recovers them and sticks four of them on his collar, making five in all.
Three days later...
SEVEN: "Personal log, Seven of Nine. Fleet Captain Kim has confined Captain Janeway to the brig, reassigned Chakotay to sanitation detail, and worst of all ordered Mr. Paris to rewrite the Captain Proton programs so that his character is in charge. Tuvok has stated that he cannot do anything to stop him because Starfleet Code of Conduct, Rule 47, Subsection 2209 says that if you have the most pips on your collar, you're the ranking officer on the ship and you can do whatever the hell you want."
HARRY: "Computer, deactivate EMH."
EMH: "Now wait just a minu..."
He vanishes. The rank pips patter to the deck. Harry recovers them and sticks four of them on his collar, making five in all.
Three days later...
SEVEN: "Personal log, Seven of Nine. Fleet Captain Kim has confined Captain Janeway to the brig, reassigned Chakotay to sanitation detail, and worst of all ordered Mr. Paris to rewrite the Captain Proton programs so that his character is in charge. Tuvok has stated that he cannot do anything to stop him because Starfleet Code of Conduct, Rule 47, Subsection 2209 says that if you have the most pips on your collar, you're the ranking officer on the ship and you can do whatever the hell you want."
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Janeway: "Computer: activate neural eraser gas from the fake pips I mixed in with the real ones incase Harry ever got the stash."
Computer: "Gas released. Memory erased. Ensign Harry Kim is coming to."
Janeway: "Captain Janeway to Ensign Kim: Get me a fucking coffee, ensign bitch."
Computer: "Gas released. Memory erased. Ensign Harry Kim is coming to."
Janeway: "Captain Janeway to Ensign Kim: Get me a fucking coffee, ensign bitch."
A grinning, idiot version of Harry brings Janeway her coffee. Janeway starts to order him to do something even more humiliating... then the holodeck turns off and Tuvok walks in.
TUVOK: "I am sorry, captain, but your weekly recreation period is over. You must return to the brig."
Later, on the bridge...
FLEET CAPTAIN KIM: "Ran a humiliating holoprogram of me, did she? Commander Tuvok, cut the captain's coffee ration in half."
TUVOK: "I am sorry, captain, but your weekly recreation period is over. You must return to the brig."
Later, on the bridge...
FLEET CAPTAIN KIM: "Ran a humiliating holoprogram of me, did she? Commander Tuvok, cut the captain's coffee ration in half."
Janeway suddenly wakes up from a cold sweat...
"Harry a fleet captain? Thank goodness it was all just a dream. Too much Leola root and Tuvok farts. Computer, current location of Ensign Harry Kim."
Computer: "Ensign Harry Kim is in his sonic shower."
"Harry a fleet captain? Thank goodness it was all just a dream. Too much Leola root and Tuvok farts. Computer, current location of Ensign Harry Kim."
Computer: "Ensign Harry Kim is in his sonic shower."
And in a typical Christmas Carol ending, Janeway realizes the error of her ways. Rank pips are not magical talismans that convey authority, and they are not limited in number. The captain may dole them out to those who deserve them. And Harry's superb performance has made him eminently deserving.
And so, at the morning's staff meeting, Janeway summons Harry to the front of the room.
JANEWAY: "Harry Kim... as captain of this ship, I promote you to the rank of lieutenant, with all privileges and responsibilities therein."
And she sticks the rank pip she was hiding in her hand to his collar. It is just a piece of composite she replicated moments before the meeting, but also a symbol of increased status and respect.
HARRY (grinning ear to ear): "Thank you, captain!"
☆ THE END ☆
And so, at the morning's staff meeting, Janeway summons Harry to the front of the room.
JANEWAY: "Harry Kim... as captain of this ship, I promote you to the rank of lieutenant, with all privileges and responsibilities therein."
And she sticks the rank pip she was hiding in her hand to his collar. It is just a piece of composite she replicated moments before the meeting, but also a symbol of increased status and respect.
HARRY (grinning ear to ear): "Thank you, captain!"
☆ THE END ☆
Harry wakes up.
"Oh man, not that dream again!"
"Oh man, not that dream again!"
Too late. I said "The End" already.
Lieutenant Kim FTW!
It was a dream. He didn't get promoted and J.R. was not shot. ;-)
ALSO...
Janeway: Reading a P.A.D.D., "... 'And she sticks the rank pip she was hiding in her hand to his collar. It is just a piece of composite she replicated moments before the meeting, but also a symbol of increased status and respect.
HARRY (grinning ear to ear): "Thank you, captain!"
☆ THE END ☆ '...[/I]" taps her comm badge, "Janeway to Lt. Tuvok."
Tuvok: "Tuvok here, Captain."
Janeway: "Harry's Voyager fanfiction is getting out of control. Have it destroyed, banned, and beam a pip off his collar to teach him a lesson."
TUVOK: "I'm afraid I can't do that, captain. Mr. Paris already sent a copy of the story to his father last month. Admiral Paris liked the story so much, he persuaded the Starfleet Admiralty to grant Mr. Kim official promotion to lieutenant. And I'm afraid their authority overrules yours in this matter."
SEVEN: I'm sorry, Mr Kim. But I can find no record of this conversation between Captain Janeway and Tuvok or this communication from Admiral Paris.
HARRY: It's real!!!! It's REAL!!! IT'S REAL!!!! <sobs>
SEVEN: Security to Astrometrics...
Janeway: "Attention crew: As the highest ranking member of Starfleet in this quadrant, I control all promotions. And the pips. Henceforth, Harry will never be promoted, and if Mr. Tuvok falls out of line again, there might be a transporter accident that combines him with Neelix -- a fate worse than death. And get me a coffee."
"Memo to all staff, Chief medical officer recording:The captain is still recovering from wisdom tooth removal. Please humor her as much as possible while the effects of the medication wear off, only be sure to keep her away from all dangerous objects in the meantime."
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