question for guys: flirting vs just friendly talk

[sidious618]

I talk to women if I find them attractive. I also talk to women if I think they might be interesting. I also talk to womenb ecause I'm a friendly guy like that (well, sometimes). It's nice to talk to people just to... talk. You can really learn a lot about life by doing that.

 

[Nardpuncher]

I talk to women if I find them attractive. I also talk to women if I think they might be interesting. I also talk to womenb ecause I'm a friendly guy like that (well, sometimes). It's nice to talk to people just to... talk. You can really learn a lot about life by doing that.

And by calling a female poster you don't like a cunt!

 

[sidious618]

I talk to women if I find them attractive. I also talk to women if I think they might be interesting. I also talk to womenb ecause I'm a friendly guy like that (well, sometimes). It's nice to talk to people just to... talk. You can really learn a lot about life by doing that.

And by calling a female poster you don't like a cunt!

WTF? Why are you going into threads and going after me? This is the second thread you've done it in.

 

[Nardpuncher]

We're in both threads already. Don't flatter yourself.

 

[sidious618]

Well, I'm assuming your above post is a refernece to a TNZ post in which I referred to a racist as a "cunt" which you're not allowed to do here. Well done. You've broken one of the few rules by bringing TNZ business into Misc.

 

[Nardpuncher]

Well, I'm assuming your above post is a refernece to a TNZ post in which I referred to a racist as a "cunt" which you're not allowed to do here. Well done. You've broken one of the few rules by bringing TNZ business into Misc.

Damn...you win again.

 

[sidious618]

Uh, OK.

 

[Nobody]

Pop culture and TV would actually tend to answer this question, "No." The temptation must always there. Sex is always in the background. How many popular shows on TV have shown major male and female characters in purely platonic friendships with no sexual overtones whatsover?
Not Seinfeld. Jerry and Elaine were lovers before becoming "just friends." Going back a few years, Hawkeye and Margaret finally gave in to their passions on M*A*S*H. As far as I can think at the moment, the closest a long-running TV show ever came to a purely platonic friendship between two major characters was Roz and Frasier. But even then, late in the series, they finally slept together once. Even on House, House and Cuddy finally made the beast with two backs.

So, according to TV, it can't be done.

30 Rock does this rather well with Jack and Liz. They're not gonna hook up (according to the Lady in Charge, Tina Fey) but they have a very strong (and totally absurd) relationship. The West Wing also had a few: Bartlet/Landingham, CJ/The Rest of the Staff. So, it's out there. Not very prevalent, but it is out there.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Well, I'm assuming your above post is a refernece to a TNZ post in which I referred to a racist as a "cunt" which you're not allowed to do here. Well done. You've broken one of the few rules by bringing TNZ business into Misc.

Damn...you win again.

Yeah. How about if we leave TNZ in TNZ and refrain from off-Topic personal attacks altogether? Thanks.

 

[RJDiogenes]

thanks for asking, no it hasnt. the glasses only partially help. Im getting tear duct plugs in Feb. Im down to that or antiinflammatory drugs whihc have the potential to cause glaucoma(jioy!). So i really hope those plugs work.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope the plugs work. It's terrible to be so uncomfortable all the time.

a. I have social anxiety

A lot of people have that; in fact, just about everybody does, to some degree. Not that my saying that will help much, but just to let you know you're not the only one.

b. regualr conversations are hard enough for me as it is, I dont need the addition of talking to someone who might end up asking me they want a date or my number & I have to go through the very anxiety provoking trauma of having to refuse them & come up for a reason why(its happenned to me before & its a nasty experience i dont want to go through again)

You should just be prepared ahead of time with a story. Just tell them you have a boyfriend or whatever. I suspect a lot of people walk around armed with imaginary partners or spouses so they can let down admirer's easy. Not everybody wants to just go out with some stranger they meet at the Mall.

c. I have too many emotional/ psychological issues to have a romantic relationship. I cant even keep platoinc friendships so Im in no position of having romantic ones. Also I have Aspergers, so I dont know if I would even like to have one.

You know Sheldon from Big Bang Theory? Im kinda like him but without the assholeish-ness( I wish i could be as unemotional as he is but Im not..Im overly sensitive, anxious & self conscious about everything.)

People with Asperger's can have nice relationships, too. I know several. Actually, it sounds to me like you'd make a great partner-- sensitive is actually a good thing and you always seem like a very nice person to me. And no, I'm not flirting; I'm way too old for you.

 

[ThankQ]

when guys go up to women & start up a converation or small talk or whatever do they ever do it b/c they think "hey that girl looks like she might be a nice friend to hang out with" rather than "wow she's hot! I want to date her!"? In other words when a guy talks to a girl do they ever do it for platonic reasons rather than b/c they want to try to start a romantic relationship? also does attraction come into play with this? if they want to be friends with a girl but not date her or see her as a romantic partner is it b/c they dont find the girl attractive? or can they keep a platonic friendship with a girl who they find attractive?

Yes I start conversations with women that I have no desire of sleeping with. Yes I have Platonic relationships with cute women. I am more than just a penis and pair of testicles.

Funny, it's my goal to be seen as a penis with feet.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Depends on the situation, conversation struck, and how hot the girl is.

I can't speak for other guys, but is she's reall good looking, no way I'm going to drive myself nuts being friends with her -- I got other things to do than make myself sexually frustrated during buddy time.

 

[melancholymecha]

and even if he's actively flirting, the probability of being asked for a date is really low in reality (except if you live in a frat house or, well, in Italy). So your concern is kinda misplaced.

I dont live in Italy but I live in Miami...among a large population of hispanic/hispanic-american & rather bold single men(hint hint.)

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope the plugs work. It's terrible to be so uncomfortable all the time.

thanks, Im also going to get prescripton glasses this week, but I dont know if these will be of any help. I have 20/25 vision but the doctor told me I might want to try to see if they help me when I have to read smaller print so Im not straining so much. At this pont Im desperate to try anything.

You should just be prepared ahead of time with a story. Just tell them you have a boyfriend or whatever.

Ive done this once...but I hate the feeling of lying to someone.

People with Asperger's can have nice relationships, too. I know several. Actually, it sounds to me like you'd make a great partner-- sensitive is actually a good thing and you always seem like a very nice person to me. And no, I'm not flirting; I'm way too old for you.

thanks you seem very nice too (thanks for backing me up in that skiffy thread, i saw that but didnt feel like going back into the thread discussion) Actually Im more like Sheldons not-girlfriend Amy (except she's an a-hole too) but Im not brainy(at all! Ive come close to flunking a couple math classes before, though Im quite knowledgable about stuff like zoology & paleontology more than the average person) Im more of an artsy fartsy type.

as for aspergers & relationships I dont think I could handle one. I think the other person would end up annoying me & Id end up annoying and boring them. Like they better enjoy being homebodies (a great day f0r me is working on my crafts at home, all day) . Also Im too high maintenance & fragile, I tend to get sick alot & then I can be a real pain(& completely useless) when Im sick...

 

[RJDiogenes]

thanks, Im also going to get prescripton glasses this week, but I dont know if these will be of any help. I have 20/25 vision but the doctor told me I might want to try to see if they help me when I have to read smaller print so Im not straining so much. At this pont Im desperate to try anything.

Hopefully this will be an improvement.

Ive done this once...but I hate the feeling of lying to someone.

Eh, that's just a little white lie. It's to avoid hurt feelings. People do it all the time.

thanks you seem very nice too (thanks for backing me up in that skiffy thread, i saw that but didnt feel like going back into the thread discussion)

Actually Im more like Sheldons not-girlfriend Amy (except she's an a-hole too) but Im not brainy(at all! Ive come close to flunking a couple math classes before, though Im quite knowledgable about stuff like zoology & paleontology more than the average person) Im more of an artsy fartsy type.

as for aspergers & relationships I dont think I could handle one. I think the other person would end up annoying me & Id end up annoying and boring them. Like they better enjoy being homebodies (a great day f0r me is working on my crafts at home, all day) . Also Im too high maintenance & fragile, I tend to get sick alot & then I can be a real pain(& completely useless) when Im sick...

There's plenty of people around like that; I'm kind of like that myself: A knowledgeable layman who is more artistically inclined, and who needs a lot of alone time. Don't let the generic relationships on TV put you off; in real life, relationships find their own definition. If someone cares about you-- and why wouldn't they?-- they will find your eccentricities charming.

 

[Kestra]

Also Im too high maintenance & fragile, I tend to get sick alot & then I can be a real pain(& completely useless) when Im sick...

Oh sweetie, that describes me perfectly. I still managed to trick someone into marrying me. In all seriousness, if you're not into relationships then that's a totally valid decision. It just sounds like you may want to do a little exploration before you settle on that decision.

 

[MetalPants]

Actually Im more like Im quite knowledgable about stuff like zoology & paleontology more than the average person) Im more of an artsy fartsy type.

(Edit)

Like they better enjoy being homebodies (a great day f0r me is working on my crafts at home, all day) . Also Im too high maintenance & fragile, I tend to get sick alot & then I can be a real pain(& completely useless) when Im sick...

So you like zoologoy, paleontology, arts, working on crafts, and Star Trek. Sounds perfect to me. (I admit it, this is mildly flirtatious.)
As for feeling completely useless when you are sick and being a pain... I always thought that was normal for someone that was sick.

 

[Trekker4747]

I can think of no better way to put it...

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!
Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.
Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's fine.
Ross & Chandler together: Really?!
Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.
Chandler starts to laugh, but then gets serious: So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?
Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!
Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.
Joey (walking past): True story!

Later...

Monica: Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.
Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.
Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.
Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal". But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"
Monica: No way!
Chandler: It's true.
Monica: Well that's pathetic!
Chandler: Again, true.
Monica: And this goes for all guys?
Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Nice selection of a scene and I, mostly, agree with it. It does have the trouble of the "variable" of the attractiveness and/pr perceived availability of the subject woman.

There's a woman at work I talk to all of the time but she's neither available (she's married) or really even someone who's got a lot of physical beauty to her. But I do approach her and talk to her about things not because I'm interested in her but because she's fun to talk to.

So, if you're good looking and a guy is talking to you or going out of his way to talk with you then, yeah, he wants a shot at you. If you're not good looking he likely just thinks of you as a friend. Now the trouble is to know where this guy's perception of "good looking" is.

Flirting however is another matter entirely but -for me at least- falls back into the same thing as talking and it just depends on the perceived availability of the parties involved, the attractiveness of the target person and even the nature and subject matter of the "flirt." Chances are if a guy is flirting with you at the very least he thinks you are cute and he may want to put you on his back-burner at a simmer just-in-case. If it's just talk then he likely just thinks of you as a friend.

As Chandler says, though, if a girl flirts with us we take it to mean "We have a shot!"


Trekker, hasn't been flirted with for a longassed time.

 

[Itisnotlogical]

Of course I talk to women without wanting to have sex with them. Sure, I may think about how attractive they are, but that's not the reason I started the conversation. If a woman assumes that I talk to them because I want to go out with them, not because I enjoy their company, I would really rather not be talking to them.

 

[iguana_tonante]

As Chandler says, though, if a girl flirts with us we take it to mean "We have a shot!"

I disagree. I have loads of women flirting with me, but I don't assume I have a shot with all of them. I just suppose they think I'm cute and pleasant to talk with (which is obviously true). Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[An Officer]

I think the possibility of someone asking me out would be a short-lived extremely minor nuisance at worst, and a very exciting and flattering prospect at best. I would say your therapist is right, and you should try to put this into perspective. There are far worse things that can happen to a person. On a catastrophe scale, you must agree that having someone interested in you would have a very low rating, when compared to say, being run over by a bus.

The reason why these men are talking to you does not really matter in the grand scheme of things, you can only deal with an eventuality when and if it happens. The only useful thing you can do is pre-arm yourself with a standard reply which you feel good about, and whip it out when necessary. I always used to say I do not like dates nor relationships, which is not strictly lying because I would not like a date nor a relationship with the person I am speaking with at the time. I would then politely complete the conversation with an expression of thanks, because you were after all paid a compliment.

Worrying yourself sick about what someone is thinking is not very fruitful in the bigger picture, it may be more beneficial to become better aware of yourself and redirect those thoughts when they arise. I have a mantra which I use when I find myself getting caught in that sort of loop: "What you think about me is none of my business!" It is tremendously freeing if you think on it for a while.

I do understand and sympathise that irrational fears can be crippling, I have yet to meet a person who doesn't have a few on some level. I wish you the very best of luck in the fight against yours. It is obvious you're already doing a lot of rational and sensible things to try to manage it. Well done! I am certain if you continue doing your best to fight this notion, you will succeed eventually.