question for guys: flirting vs just friendly talk

[BolianAuthor]

I've had lots of guys come up and talk just to chill and be friendly.

Not all guys are perverted and looking for some vag to play with later.

That's what you THINK... but trust me... guys are constantly thinking of sex, when they talk to women... as has been pointed out, it's just how we're wired. If you're not getting that vibe, then either the guy is very good at making himself come across as non-threatening to you, or to be blunt, you may just not be his type.

Now, if we did have sex on the mind, and after talking to you, didn't get a good "vibe" from you that you'd under ANY circumstances be open to that, we may continue the conversation on a friendly level, but sex always enters into our minds... it's natural.

I know for a fact almost nobody would ever admit this openly, but suppose you have a guy friend, on a purely platonic level, like you grew up next door, and all that, and you just regard each other as friends. Well... if that guy finds you in any way sexually attractive, part of him WILL always be thinking "I wish I could be "intimate" with her", or "Man, she's so hot". Again, they will never say so to your face, and may even be ashamed to admit it to themselves, but the thoughts are there, at some point, on some level.

There was a TV interview recently with Steve Harvey, where he was talking about his new relationship book, and he had said that the moment a man sees you, he has a plan for you. I think that is true... we saw you, and liked what we saw, so based on that, we decided to approach you, and make the attempt. Nobody in a bar looks to a woman sitting at a table and thinks "Man, I bet she has the sweetest personality, and is the best person on the inside"... no, we think "Oh, wow, she's pretty... I'd love to meet her". When was the last time a guy came up to you in a bar, and wanted to discuss the benefits of ethanol versus petroleum, or the political landscape of the Middle East, or stem cell research? No, we want to flirt, and more, but at least flirt.

And before anyone jumps on me for expressing my views here, let me offer that the struggle to understand the opposite sex has been ongoing for as long as there has been civilization, if not longer, so women will have one viewpoint, and a man will have another. I am telling you what I believe and know to be the case, from my own experience as a man. Take it for what it is.

 

[-Brett-]

so my next question is how does a woman know when its flirting & when its small talk?

Basically you just guess. Same as us.

 

[Nardpuncher]

But again, as a guy, I'd say the odds are a little more in your favor if the guy is talking to you. Meaning that there's a greater chance he's interested.

 

[Gaith]

I've had lots of guys come up and talk just to chill and be friendly.

Not all guys are perverted and looking for some vag to play with later.

​

Actually, that was an, albeit blunt, but rather accurate statement.

Looking for a vag to play with, Kirk's_Tights' or otherwise, is not inherently perverted.

 

[RoJoHen]

I've had lots of guys come up and talk just to chill and be friendly.

Not all guys are perverted and looking for some vag to play with later.

That's what you THINK... but trust me... guys are constantly thinking of sex, when they talk to women... as has been pointed out, it's just how we're wired. If you're not getting that vibe, then either the guy is very good at making himself come across as non-threatening to you, or to be blunt, you may just not be his type.

Okay, so maybe the girl isn't his type. He's still allowed to talk to her and be her friend.

I have tons of female friends that I talk to and hang out with all the time, and I have absolutely no interest in getting in their pants.

 

[Jetfire]

If you are not attracted to the gal...then of course you don't want to have sex with them...this doesn't stop some guys though...the last girl I dated was fixated on her Ex and she found out he wasn't attracted to her...he just wanted to have sex with her.

I can honestly say every gal I have been friends with...I eventually became attracted to...even though that wasn't my intention.

 

[RJDiogenes]

This is what TV teaches people: To be retarded adolescents.

I beg to differ!

FUNNY retarded adolescents.

That's a redundancy.

thanks for the answers guys. In case youre wondering this question was brought on by my current therapy for my social anxiety. I seem to be getting mixed answers split b/w yes & no. Certainly as far as media is concerned its a no(as in guys cannot see women as strictly platonic friendships.)

Don't believe the media, which is generally dumbed down to the lowest common denominator; unfortunately, a lot of people do get their social cues from low-brow entertainments and therefore still buy in to ancient chauvinistic stereotypes. The best thing to do is to give people the benefit of the doubt until they give you evidence to the contrary.

Incidentally, speaking of eyes (and somebody was), how is your dry eye situation? Did those glasses help?

so my next question is how does a woman know when its flirting & when its small talk?

Many times you won't. You just have to try to read the situation as best you can, which is very difficult; it's difficult not only because all people are different and it's impossible to read minds, but also because situations are fluid. I can be having a nice friendly chat with somebody at the bookstore and she can make a comment that suddenly piques my interest; the same thing can happen even if you've known somebody for a while.

I've had lots of guys come up and talk just to chill and be friendly.

Not all guys are perverted and looking for some vag to play with later.

I was going to mention that liking women isn't perverted, but then I saw your next Post.

 

[iguana_tonante]

so my next question is how does a woman know when its flirting & when its small talk?

I know I already expressed this sentiment before, but I need to ask: why do you care? I cannot understand the need to classify behaviours and intentions into little labelled boxes.

"Is he flirting?" "Is he just making small talk?" "Is he doing 45% flirting, 35% small talk and 20% asking for direction?" As long as you enjoy the conversation, who cares? If he's flirting with ulterior motives, he'll make a pass sooner or later. If he's not, he won't.

More importantly: if you like somebody, why don't you make a pass at him?

 

[MetalPants]

Life would be so much easier if we were the Sims and there were symbols above our heads to know when one was just talking and when one was flirting. I remember one evening I was with a lady friend and we were dancing and drinking and having a good time. There was nothing going on in my mind except having fun with my friend. What finally made me realize she was on a different level is when she grabbed my package and told me it belonged to her.

 

[iguana_tonante]

You should have replied you only lend it.

 

[Nardpuncher]

Life would be so much easier if we were the Sims and there were symbols above our heads to know when one was just talking and when one was flirting. I remember one evening I was with a lady friend and we were dancing and drinking and having a good time. There was nothing going on in my mind except having fun with my friend. What finally made me realize she was on a different level is when she grabbed my package and told me it belonged to her.

How could you feel anything with metal pants?

 

[Gaith]

so my next question is how does a woman know when its flirting & when its small talk?

I know I already expressed this sentiment before, but I need to ask: why do you care? I cannot understand the need to classify behaviours and intentions into little labelled boxes.

This.

You know it's flirting when he asks you on a date.

 

[RoJoHen]

If he touches your boob, it's probably just small talk. I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

[melancholymecha]

first of all excuse the typos... my eyes are hurting from all the reading/typing & Im not in the mood to go back & proofread everything.

To be honest.. as a woman you san safely assume that about 80-90% of men who approach you are flirting and maybe hoping for more

this is what i think & this is what my therapist says is whats called an irrational thought. she wanted me to ask this in a public online forum so i could see that this is not the care...but actually Im getting alot of proof that it is in fact partly true...hmm.

Still you'll get a few guys who are just interested in being friendly, usually they are Married, in a Serious Long Term Relationship or Gay!

thats also what I think... if a guy starts small talk with me & I know he's married or gay Im not as anxious about it.

Incidentally, speaking of eyes (and somebody was), how is your dry eye situation? Did those glasses help?

thanks for asking, no it hasnt. the glasses only partially help. Im getting tear duct plugs in Feb. Im down to that or antiinflammatory drugs whihc have the potential to cause glaucoma(jioy!). So i really hope those plugs work.

I know I already expressed this sentiment before, but I need to ask: why do you care? I cannot understand the need to classify behaviours and intentions into little labelled boxes.
"Is he flirting?" "Is he just making small talk?" "Is he doing 45% flirting, 35% small talk and 20% asking for direction?" As long as you enjoy the conversation, who cares? If he's flirting with ulterior motives, he'll make a pass sooner or later. If he's not, he won't.

b/c
a. I have social anxiety
b. regualr conversations are hard enough for me as it is, I dont need the addition of talking to someone who might end up asking me they want a date or my number & I have to go through the very anxiety provoking trauma of having to refuse them & come up for a reason why(its happenned to me before & its a nasty experience i dont want to go through again)
c. I have too many emotional/ psychological issues to have a romantic relationship. I cant even keep platoinc friendships so Im in no position of having romantic ones. Also I have Aspergers, so I dont know if I would even like to have one.

You know Sheldon from Big Bang Theory? Im kinda like him but without the assholeish-ness( I wish i could be as unemotional as he is but Im not..Im overly sensitive, anxious & self conscious about everything.)
wow thats already tmi there...whatever.

 

[Pingfah]

To be honest.. as a woman you san safely assume that about 80-90% of men who approach you are flirting and maybe hoping for more

this is what i think & this is what my therapist says is whats called an irrational thought. she wanted me to ask this in a public online forum so i could see that this is not the care...but actually Im getting alot of proof that it is in fact partly true...hmm.

I think really all you've seen is a few guys who think that just because they share a gender with half of the planet, they know what makes the rest of them tick.

 

[Kestra]

I think really all you've seen is a few guys who think that just because they share a gender with half of the planet, they know what makes the rest of them tick.

Thank you.

 

[MetalPants]

I think that too much is being read into playful banter. There are a couple or so ladies that I work with that I flirt heavily with, and they reciprocate. It is "safe" because we all know that none of it is meant and that is just for fun.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I know I already expressed this sentiment before, but I need to ask: why do you care?

b/c
a. I have social anxiety
b. regualr conversations are hard enough for me as it is, I dont need the addition of talking to someone who might end up asking me they want a date or my number & I have to go through the very anxiety provoking trauma of having to refuse them & come up for a reason why(its happenned to me before & its a nasty experience i dont want to go through again)
c. I have too many emotional/ psychological issues to have a romantic relationship. I cant even keep platoinc friendships so Im in no position of having romantic ones. Also I have Aspergers, so I dont know if I would even like to have one.

Thanks for your answer. I have no experience or knowledge about your issues, so I really can't say anything about that. I wish you the best in your struggle with social anxiety.

To be honest.. as a woman you san safely assume that about 80-90% of men who approach you are flirting and maybe hoping for more

this is what i think & this is what my therapist says is whats called an irrational thought. she wanted me to ask this in a public online forum so i could see that this is not the care...but actually Im getting alot of proof that it is in fact partly true...hmm.

I think really all you've seen is a few guys who think that just because they share a gender with half of the planet, they know what makes the rest of them tick.

Yep. We had a lot of guys saying they do small talks with girls all the time without further motives, and a few saying "All guys want is to get in your pants and if they say no they are lying LOL".

In my (probably baseless and uninformed) opinion, you are approaching the issue with a problematic stance, i.e. looking for a problem even when there isn't one (I suppose that's what social anxiety is about, but forgive me for the platitudes). Yes, many guys will approach you if you are attractive: that's understandable. But not every guy that approach you because he finds you attractive is gonna ask you out. In fact, I would say that only a small fraction of guy who approach you would ask you out, triggering the worst of your anxiety. Even if a guy approach you because you are attractive, and even if he's actively flirting, the probability of being asked for a date is really low in reality (except if you live in a frat house or, well, in Italy). So your concern is kinda misplaced.

So, adding the number of guys that talk to you without any sub-textual sexual attraction (a fair share, obviously), with the number of people who find you attractive but have no intention of flirting, with the number of people who are actively flirting but have no intention of asking you out (for a variety of reasons: maybe they just enjoy flirting as a "sport"), I'll say that it will amount to an overwhelming majority of people who will talk to you under any circumstance. Your concern is about only a tiny fraction of guys, who may not materialize any time soon.

I'm not sure if it helps, but maybe it will underscore why your therapist said your concern was based on a irrational thought.

 

[Nardpuncher]

I think really all you've seen is a few guys who think that just because they share a gender with half of the planet, they know what makes the rest of them tick.

Thank you.

Yeah, but it sure beats coming in here and saying "Uh, I don't know".

 

[Kestra]

I think it's one thing to post and say, this is the way I work, or when I've talked to my friends, this is the general attitude they have. It's another to say that other men are lying or that someone is extremely rare simply because their attitude does not fit your own experience. I'm not singling you out, I'm just saying there's something in between saying "I don't know" and "I know everything about everybody."