I'm not in love, just because

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Gryffindorian, Aug 18, 2019.

  1. USS Firefly

    USS Firefly Commodore Commodore

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    I couldn't agree more!

    I love my childeren but I am not happier or less happy then before I had them, although before I had them i had more sleep, time for myself and my wife and more sleep
     
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  2. Relayer1

    Relayer1 Vice Admiral Admiral

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    And less worry.

    No one adequately explains the worry.
     
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  3. Discofan

    Discofan Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I personally think that marriage, no matter how much I might like a person is too much of a risk. I mean it's already painful when things don't work out between two people and you have to separate if on top of that you also have to go through excruciating procedures, put lawyers in the mix and possibly lose your shirt in the process, did I mention a pair of rapacious lawyers taking their cut? Well, thanks, but no thanks!!!
     
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  4. USS Firefly

    USS Firefly Commodore Commodore

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    Good point, the older they get the more I worry sometimes
     
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  5. rhubarbodendron

    rhubarbodendron Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    I think that's fairly normal. I myself am 56 and single (and mostly - but not exclusively - hetero). My job keeps me very busy and exhausts me so much that in the evening I simply don't have the energy to go out and look for a possible mate. I do have online friends and a few buddies I occasionally meet and so far that's enough for me.

    Marriage isn't necessary imho but a long term partnership would be nice. It does, however, have the disadvantage that I'd have to change my lifestyle very much and I'm not sure I could do that. What I'd need is someone who'd - like myself - come home from work, eat something and drop into bed (in order to sleep, not for more sporty activities ;) ).
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2019
  6. Doom Shepherd

    Doom Shepherd Commodore Commodore

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    I was 26. I'd had my heart broken (or broken it myself) a dozen times since 17, I didn't consider myself attractive - still don't - was never going to be wealthy, and I was perfectly content and prepared to live the rest of my life alone in a small house or apartment with myself, my collections, and a metric fuckton of porn for company.

    And then my co-workers set me up with a woman. A woman who, until then, had ALSO considered herself finished, romantically speaking. I'm 47 now, and we're still together. So you really never know. So you do... what you wanna do. The universe will unfold as it does.

    I still have the metric fuckton of porn.
     
  7. Garak

    Garak Salty Dog Premium Member

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  8. Gryffindorian

    Gryffindorian Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I'm glad you found a life partner. As the old saying goes, seek and ye shall find.

    Who knows? Maybe someday (like I've been saying for the past 25 years) I'll actually meet someone special. I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of marriage or a long-term relationship. Right now, I'm happy where I'm at. Sort of.
     
  9. publiusr

    publiusr Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Same here

    One thing to remember is that you might like the idea of someone--more than you actually like that someone
     
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  10. Gryffindorian

    Gryffindorian Vice Admiral Admiral

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    True. People often have romanticized notions about their object of affection. "He looks so dreamy! He's the perfect guy."

    I was just talking to this colleague of mine about his holiday weekend plans and favorite TV shows, and I noticed I was getting excited. :shifty: I wish I didn't have such feelings. Must be Pon Farr.
     
  11. MANT!

    MANT! Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    Well, having been 2 times around the marriage block, I find that I enjoy having a SO in my life, not to make things complete, but simply to add a bit of meaning and companionship to my life..I find that Dear Wife's strengths cover my weaknesses and the reverse is true..
    However, we do fight from time to time (she's from South America..she LOVES to fight sometimes!) but always for good reasons, never to be petty or hurtful to one another..how did I find her? I simply wasn't looking for anything serious, did an internet website search to pass the time and fell into it.
     
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  12. Gryffindorian

    Gryffindorian Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Well, the Object of my Attraction left today. His temp assignment has expired, but he will come back in two weeks to accept a permanent position within the same department, so I will still see him when he returns. While I'm happy for him, I don't know whether to be excited or dismayed.

    Going back to what I said earlier about having a crush and a romanticized perception of a person, I can't help thinking he's the reason I have been questioning my solitary lifestyle of late. In other words, he's a reminder of what I don't have in my life, that is, a romantic relationship.

    Sure, I'm attracted to him. I know that much, but it doesn't mean I have to act upon it. Besides, he's way out of my league, and I doubt he likes other guys. :lol:
     
  13. Discofan

    Discofan Admiral Rear Admiral

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    The problem is when in a couple one person is significantly more in love than the other. Sooner or later that creates difficulties that are rarely resolved otherwise than by the breaking of that couple.
     
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  14. Gryffindorian

    Gryffindorian Vice Admiral Admiral

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    Yet there are couples who have remained married for years, decades, or life, long after the passion has gone.

    There are three components of love, according to Sternberg's theory: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Those who choose to stay together are more committed than others.

    I had to look up the stuff that I learned from my sociology class of olden days:

    Passion + Intimacy + Commitment = Pure Love
    Intimacy + Commitment = Companionate Love
    Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love
    Passion + Commitment = Fatuous Love
    Passion Only = Infatuation
    Commitment Only = Empty Love
    Intimacy Only = Liking

    Right now I'm experiencing only passion.
     
  15. Mr. Laser Beam

    Mr. Laser Beam Fleet Admiral Admiral

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    I would dearly love to get married. There is a void in my life that breaks my heart, and I would love to remedy this by finding a woman who I can share my life with.

    The problem is two-fold: Not only do I have absolutely no idea how to go out and meet women (I'm not really a social creature - the only time I really go out in public for any length of time is when I'm at a baseball game, because I am a total baseball fanatic, which is probably a turn-off :( ), I don't want kids either. I have nothing against kids as such, I just don't want any of my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I would SUCK as a dad. :sigh:
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2019
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  16. Timby

    Timby Game ... OVER! Administrator

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    MLB, you and I have had our differences but let me give you some advice straight from the heart.

    1) You need to force yourself to be social. Use dating apps, find groups of your interests, you don't need to go to bars. Shit, my last ex-girlfriend I met when I was getting infusion therapy at a local clinic (thiamine deficiency); my ex-wife, we were introduced by a mutual friend back when I was in college.

    2) A lot of women don't want kids. I'm 35, and the vast majority of women with whom I've interacted either don't want kids, or they have some and don't want more. I hit the trifecta of being a bad potential parent, given that I'm depressed, I have PTSD, and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'd be the world's worst father. Anyone who actually gives a shit about that stuff isn't worth my time, and the same goes for you. I've dated women with kids, and we've gotten along just fine, but ... that being said, you may just surprise yourself with how good you can be with kids that aren't your own.

    3) I know a ton of women who love baseball. But don't define yourself by one single interest. Define yourself by a multitude of interests. Be a Renaissance man, which is to say, don't present yourself as "HI I'M MR. LASER BEAM AND I LOVE BASEBALL HOW ARE YOU," but rather inquire about someone's interests and see how you might connect. The most recent woman I dated, we clicked because she has a love of chess and I have a love of baseball.

    You don't need to be a shut-in.
     
  17. Gryffindorian

    Gryffindorian Vice Admiral Admiral

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    I don't mean to downplay your situation, but is there any reason you can't meet women other than being shy? I can think of 1,000 reasons, some of which I already stated, why I haven't dated anyone since my teens (anxiety, insecurities, the fact that I'd make a boring partner, I'm possibly afraid of STIs, etc.).

    But if you feel deep in your heart that you want to be in a relationship, or you very much want to seek out a long term partner, then by all means, go for it. You can overcome shyness and build self confidence if you try, and find the resources to help you. The only person standing in your way is yourself.
     
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  18. PSGarak

    PSGarak Commodore Commodore

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    There are so many women out there who don't want kids. As long as you're up front about it, I think that will be much less of an impediment to you than you think it will be. Without knowing you, I don't want to dig into giving socializing advice or anything, but I just wanted to put that out there. And there are plenty of women out there who love baseball. It won't be a turn off to the person who's a good fit for you. She'll find that right up her alley.
     
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  19. Butters

    Butters Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

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    There must be dating sites that cover the wide spectrum of human obsessions so that like minded people can meet. I’m lucky (and I never take it for granted) that I found someone that also enjoyed Star Trek, though they don't live it like I did, and they turn a blind eye to my railway fanaticism.

    I’ve known lots of women that didn’t want kids, that would have killed a long term relationship for me, but it’s by no means rare.
     
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  20. Riker'sMailbox

    Riker'sMailbox Lieutenant Commander Red Shirt

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    Is it typical? No.
    Is it unusual? Yes.
    Is there anything wrong with it? No.

    I think we have gotten to the point where most of society sees that there is no one size fits all mold for happiness and relationships. That said, we still hold up the 'two kids and married' situation as being the dream. I have two kids and I married. But, this does not mean I am happy all the time. There is no situation that will make someone happy all the time.

    But, this right here could indicate that you want a relationship, but it is fear and insecurity holding you back. What if it doesn't work out? Or, even scarier, what if it does work out?

    I fully support people not wanting a relationship. I think it is great when people decide not to have children because for too long people had them just because it was expected. But, for me, I would rather try something and get my answers, then always wonder 'what if'.