I Hate Myself
- Thread starter Admiral Shran
- Start date
Thanks guys, for the unwarranted and kind comments. They touch me.
I'm really lonely and afraid of people (I think they must hate me by default), so it's refreshing — though confusing — to hear positive feedback.
About my PhD research: yes, I've accomplished much (began publishing articles in leading biomedical and engineering journals and while an undergrad and have gone on to present papers from Shanghai to NYC, and had my papers presented elsewhere on my behalf due to illness) but I've found it doesn't count for much self-esteem wise. Another funny thing: I've graduated summa cum laude, twice won engineering student of the year, won teaching assistant of the year, started college in 10th grade, never received less than an A-, for fun minored in math to take PhD level abstract algebra courses, have had funded research work since I was a sophomore, was recruited by both my quantum physics and engineering professors (I chose engineering), have done work helping traumatic brain injured pediatric patients (kids), covert anti-terrorist work for the Navy, worked for nature conservation, and have usually had my pick of research work (I've even help tutor professors and their students in my specialty.) My proudest accomplishment was inventing a *vastly* improved clinical bedside blood pressure monitor for use in the ICU that people have approached me saying it could save lives.
Here's the thing: I have always considered myself to be utterly worthless and all my accomplishments were just luck or because of someone else. I think of myself as an ignorant idiot, constantly comparing myself unfavorably to others. I think I make a terrible engineering, for I'm only capable of highly specialized mathematical work and am a complete dunce when it comes to anything physical (I break equipment and can't figure out how even basic things work, nor do I have the interest. That's pretty bad for an engineer! All I can do is program mathematical algorithms into a computer. I don't even know much about computers — though I should, given my training in things such as writing drivers in Assembly. I've specialized so highly that I'm essentially useless to an employer and must remain doing research.)
Besides, more than one of my colleagues has committed suicide, and two have attempted (in addition to me). Engineering research is a pretty stressful position. It doesn't impress people, for you don't get paid the big bucks if you had instead quit and left for work in private industry (getting an electrical engineering PhD is *not* the way to make friends or money. It requires a passion for helping others and teaching, which I have. I love teaching and research work, especially medical, that makes a difference.)
The funny thing is that women outnumber men in college, and they are well represented in many fields such as civil and mechanical engineering, medicine, math, science, etc. But for some reason, electrical engineering and computer science are still about 90% male. That, combined with working from home and in a lonely basement lab makes for very little social interaction.
So I really appreciate you guys. Thank you so much.
I am receiving help, but it's not very effective. They load me up on awful meds. It's hard to get them to stop that. My suicide attempts have always occurred under the care of a professional. Hmm
But what really depresses me is that, because of a botched surgery and later doctor mistakes, my body is falling apart. I'm forced to take a medical leave, live at home, and live off my (literally) poor mother's meager savings (she's so old she had to retire finally). At this point I'd hoped to be taking care of *her*, not the other way around. I feel completely emasculated and impotent. And my physical problems keep worsening with no end in sight!
So bear with me. I would really appreciate it if, when I make a dumb point/post, you not ridicule me (most of you don't but some have made me feel terrible
).
Thanks again, all, for letting me express myself. Again, I've no friends. You're all I have in terms of friendships.
I'm really lonely and afraid of people (I think they must hate me by default), so it's refreshing — though confusing — to hear positive feedback.
About my PhD research: yes, I've accomplished much (began publishing articles in leading biomedical and engineering journals and while an undergrad and have gone on to present papers from Shanghai to NYC, and had my papers presented elsewhere on my behalf due to illness) but I've found it doesn't count for much self-esteem wise. Another funny thing: I've graduated summa cum laude, twice won engineering student of the year, won teaching assistant of the year, started college in 10th grade, never received less than an A-, for fun minored in math to take PhD level abstract algebra courses, have had funded research work since I was a sophomore, was recruited by both my quantum physics and engineering professors (I chose engineering), have done work helping traumatic brain injured pediatric patients (kids), covert anti-terrorist work for the Navy, worked for nature conservation, and have usually had my pick of research work (I've even help tutor professors and their students in my specialty.) My proudest accomplishment was inventing a *vastly* improved clinical bedside blood pressure monitor for use in the ICU that people have approached me saying it could save lives.
Here's the thing: I have always considered myself to be utterly worthless and all my accomplishments were just luck or because of someone else. I think of myself as an ignorant idiot, constantly comparing myself unfavorably to others. I think I make a terrible engineering, for I'm only capable of highly specialized mathematical work and am a complete dunce when it comes to anything physical (I break equipment and can't figure out how even basic things work, nor do I have the interest. That's pretty bad for an engineer! All I can do is program mathematical algorithms into a computer. I don't even know much about computers — though I should, given my training in things such as writing drivers in Assembly. I've specialized so highly that I'm essentially useless to an employer and must remain doing research.)
Besides, more than one of my colleagues has committed suicide, and two have attempted (in addition to me). Engineering research is a pretty stressful position. It doesn't impress people, for you don't get paid the big bucks if you had instead quit and left for work in private industry (getting an electrical engineering PhD is *not* the way to make friends or money. It requires a passion for helping others and teaching, which I have. I love teaching and research work, especially medical, that makes a difference.)
The funny thing is that women outnumber men in college, and they are well represented in many fields such as civil and mechanical engineering, medicine, math, science, etc. But for some reason, electrical engineering and computer science are still about 90% male. That, combined with working from home and in a lonely basement lab makes for very little social interaction.
So I really appreciate you guys. Thank you so much.
I am receiving help, but it's not very effective. They load me up on awful meds. It's hard to get them to stop that. My suicide attempts have always occurred under the care of a professional. Hmm
But what really depresses me is that, because of a botched surgery and later doctor mistakes, my body is falling apart. I'm forced to take a medical leave, live at home, and live off my (literally) poor mother's meager savings (she's so old she had to retire finally). At this point I'd hoped to be taking care of *her*, not the other way around. I feel completely emasculated and impotent. And my physical problems keep worsening with no end in sight!
So bear with me. I would really appreciate it if, when I make a dumb point/post, you not ridicule me (most of you don't but some have made me feel terrible
).Thanks again, all, for letting me express myself. Again, I've no friends. You're all I have in terms of friendships.
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Cepstrum, all that stuff makes you a bit eccentric, but it doesn't make you a bad person; being eccentric is far better than being mundane. 
I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. If they are the result of a botched surgery and other mistakes, you could very well be entitled to compensation. That's what malpractice insurance is for. You should look into it.
I'm sorry to hear about your health problems. If they are the result of a botched surgery and other mistakes, you could very well be entitled to compensation. That's what malpractice insurance is for. You should look into it.
There's loads of fat-assed p**** at Star Trek conventions.
I've had loads of them.
Somehow I doubt that.
Cepstrum, you've accomplished a great deal, and you should be proud of that. I'm not saying be complacent or smug, but you need to recognize that you've done a great deal more than most other people could, if they were in your shoes. It doesn't mean you're intrinsically better, or worse, than anyone else. It's just one of the things that makes you a very interesting person.
Most academics these days are incredibly over-specialized. There's nothing wrong with that, and if you can bring in grant money, I'm sure there are loads of institutions that would love to have you once you get your Ph.D.--or maybe even before. At least your work can actually help people in the real world: many academics can't say that.
Most academics these days are incredibly over-specialized. There's nothing wrong with that, and if you can bring in grant money, I'm sure there are loads of institutions that would love to have you once you get your Ph.D.--or maybe even before. At least your work can actually help people in the real world: many academics can't say that.
Cepstrum,
I think you've been on this forum before, or someone similar has, and I think I offered the advice, that if you are actually in research, it is a big selling point to some women, especially at all SF conventions, maybe not ST ones so much. And SF conventions are full of people who would love to talk to you. Don't come over as a monomaniac, or obsessive, or overly boring though.
There is a good Dr Who website too, outpost Gallifrey, I think. There's Facebook. I've got more American friends than home ones on mine. I've just discovered internet radio, and you can listen to American, African, world radio on it. I suppose you could even phone in, or email. There are dating sites.
I think you've been on this forum before, or someone similar has, and I think I offered the advice, that if you are actually in research, it is a big selling point to some women, especially at all SF conventions, maybe not ST ones so much. And SF conventions are full of people who would love to talk to you. Don't come over as a monomaniac, or obsessive, or overly boring though.
There is a good Dr Who website too, outpost Gallifrey, I think. There's Facebook. I've got more American friends than home ones on mine. I've just discovered internet radio, and you can listen to American, African, world radio on it. I suppose you could even phone in, or email. There are dating sites.
Thanks guys, for the unwarranted and kind comments. They touch me.
I'm really lonely and afraid of people (I think they must hate me by default), so it's refreshing — though confusing — to hear positive feedback.
About my PhD research: yes, I've accomplished much (began publishing articles in leading biomedical and engineering journals and while an undergrad and have gone on to present papers from Shanghai to NYC, and had my papers presented elsewhere on my behalf due to illness) but I've found it doesn't count for much self-esteem wise. Another funny thing: I've graduated summa cum laude, twice won engineering student of the year, won teaching assistant of the year, started college in 10th grade, never received less than an A-, for fun minored in math to take PhD level abstract algebra courses, have had funded research work since I was a sophomore, was recruited by both my quantum physics and engineering professors (I chose engineering), have done work helping traumatic brain injured pediatric patients (kids), covert anti-terrorist work for the Navy, worked for nature conservation, and have usually had my pick of research work (I've even help tutor professors and their students in my specialty.) My proudest accomplishment was inventing a *vastly* improved clinical bedside blood pressure monitor for use in the ICU that people have approached me saying it could save lives.
Here's the thing: I have always considered myself to be utterly worthless and all my accomplishments were just luck or because of someone else. I think of myself as an ignorant idiot, constantly comparing myself unfavorably to others. I think I make a terrible engineering, for I'm only capable of highly specialized mathematical work and am a complete dunce when it comes to anything physical (I break equipment and can't figure out how even basic things work, nor do I have the interest. That's pretty bad for an engineer! All I can do is program mathematical algorithms into a computer. I don't even know much about computers — though I should, given my training in things such as writing drivers in Assembly. I've specialized so highly that I'm essentially useless to an employer and must remain doing research.)
Besides, more than one of my colleagues has committed suicide, and two have attempted (in addition to me). Engineering research is a pretty stressful position. It doesn't impress people, for you don't get paid the big bucks if you had instead quit and left for work in private industry (getting an electrical engineering PhD is *not* the way to make friends or money. It requires a passion for helping others and teaching, which I have. I love teaching and research work, especially medical, that makes a difference.)
The funny thing is that women outnumber men in college, and they are well represented in many fields such as civil and mechanical engineering, medicine, math, science, etc. But for some reason, electrical engineering and computer science are still about 90% male. That, combined with working from home and in a lonely basement lab makes for very little social interaction.
So I really appreciate you guys. Thank you so much.
I am receiving help, but it's not very effective. They load me up on awful meds. It's hard to get them to stop that. My suicide attempts have always occurred under the care of a professional. Hmm
But what really depresses me is that, because of a botched surgery and later doctor mistakes, my body is falling apart. I'm forced to take a medical leave, live at home, and live off my (literally) poor mother's meager savings (she's so old she had to retire finally). At this point I'd hoped to be taking care of *her*, not the other way around. I feel completely emasculated and impotent. And my physical problems keep worsening with no end in sight!
So bear with me. I would really appreciate it if, when I make a dumb point/post, you not ridicule me (most of you don't but some have made me feel terrible
Thanks again, all, for letting me express myself. Again, I've no friends. You're all I have in terms of friendships.
Locutus, (and Cepstrum, and Admiral, and, of course, everybody else
)These might help brush up on the current state of affairs:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mating-Game-.../dp/1409102394
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Game-Se.../dp/0760745439
???
And with all the people here criticizing me for being insensitive regarding that guy's depression, his name change to a serial killer is not troubling anyone?
No, he did it for Halloween. I'm not a mass murdering dictator just because I have Sidious' name in my screen name.
Just sayin'.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Dude, it's a weak and ineffectual argument, with an even weaker and more ineffectual defense.
You've got your opinion; so does everyone else. Let it be.
Forgive me for being seriously worried. It won't happen again.
doubleohfive
Fleet Admiral
Pingfah makes an excellent point.
Too, perhaps some of the grave concern and empathy you have because of the non-issue of his name change would be better spent empathizing with the OP's original problem, instead of using it as a lame Star Trek nerd tactic to attack him.
Wait for it...
Just sayin'
If you find this seriously worrying than you must be in a perpetual state of anxiety.
No worries. Like has been said, I just did it for Halloween, and as a joke - as you can probably tell from my avatar and location. 
I tried Fek'lhr_of_Gre'thor, but apparently that one was already taken.
I tried Fek'lhr_of_Gre'thor, but apparently that one was already taken.
Char Aznable
Lieutenant Commander
Well, I don't have much to add beyond what's already been said. Still, one thing I have to mention is that you should do everything you can to interact with women, no matter whether you want to bang her or not. Make friends comes first.
Also, no matter what, avoid becoming like these, "people."
http://www.love-shy.com/lsbb/viewforum.php?f=1&sid=4defe8fe9b8a19b5f1c7ae3388194b9a
Also, no matter what, avoid becoming like these, "people."
http://www.love-shy.com/lsbb/viewforum.php?f=1&sid=4defe8fe9b8a19b5f1c7ae3388194b9a
Also;
Don't look for too long, at her 'boobicles'. Every man does it, but the ones that get laid, do it quickly and with self-confidence and raise their eyes to her eyes. Women wear low cut tops, but only a quick look is appreciated. Don't stare, and don't let embarassing silences develop. Let her talk, even about the 'stupid' things that women talk about.
At least Admiral and Cepstrum don't have over-possessive mothers, as some on that website seem to have. That's agonising.
Don't look for too long, at her 'boobicles'. Every man does it, but the ones that get laid, do it quickly and with self-confidence and raise their eyes to her eyes. Women wear low cut tops, but only a quick look is appreciated. Don't stare, and don't let embarassing silences develop. Let her talk, even about the 'stupid' things that women talk about.
At least Admiral and Cepstrum don't have over-possessive mothers, as some on that website seem to have. That's agonising.
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