I Hate Myself

[Admiral Shran]

UPDATE - Yesterday, on Facebook, I reconnected with one of the women I've been out with on a date. I happened to see her in the "Friends Suggestions" area, and requested her friendship. I haven't seen or spoken to this woman in over nine years.

She accepted the request, so we're now friends on FB. I even sent her a private message saying....

"Hey there, long time no see. How have you been?"

She's married now, but - like some here have said - maybe that will help me talk to her more easily.

Now I just have to wait and see if she responds back.

 

[AMQ]

It's interesting how small changes can do much difference if you just decide to get out of your hole. Today I flirted with the guy in the supermarket. I couldn't reach something from the shelf (how movie - like) and I asked handsome tall guy to get it for me He was all like - glad you asked we talked a little, it felt nice. It may be something "regular" people do every day, but still - for me - it's a small victory

 

[Shatnertage]

Admiral--good news! You're making great progress!

 

[RJDiogenes]

Now I just have to wait and see if she responds back.

Maybe all these years she's been thinking of you as "the one that got away."

It's interesting how small changes can do much difference if you just decide to get out of your hole. Today I flirted with the guy in the supermarket. I couldn't reach something from the shelf (how movie - like) and I asked handsome tall guy to get it for me He was all like - glad you asked we talked a little, it felt nice. It may be something "regular" people do every day, but still - for me - it's a small victory

Women in the supermarket are always asking me to get stuff from the high shelves; unfortunately, they're usually about 80 years old.

 

[Admiral Shran]

Now I just have to wait and see if she responds back.

Maybe all these years she's been thinking of you as "the one that got away."

Hadn't thought of that.

 

[Admiral Shran]

Well, I never heard back on Facebook from that woman I once went out with, so that's a downer.

But, on a more positive note, a few days ago I was at a sports bar that I often frequent and I got a waitress who was, let's just say, extraordinarily attractive. I've gotten her as a waitress a few times in the past, so she knows what I usually order (it helps that I often order the exact same thing ). Anyway, when she gave me my bill she asked "How was everything?" To that I responded with "Good, good, what more can you ask for - good food and beautiful women." She seemed genuinely pleased with that compliment.

So now, I'm off to that same sports bar for dinner before I head into work. Hopefully I'll get the same waitress and we'll see what happens.

Wish me luck.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Oh, good luck mate! The more practice you get, the better you'll get at it.

 

[Kestra]

But, on a more positive note, a few days ago I was at a sports bar that I often frequent and I got a waitress who was, let's just say, extraordinarily attractive. I've gotten her as a waitress a few times in the past, so she knows what I usually order (it helps that I often order the exact same thing ). Anyway, when she gave me my bill she asked "How was everything?" To that I responded with "Good, good, what more can you ask for - good food and beautiful women." She seemed genuinely pleased with that compliment.

So now, I'm off to that same sports bar for dinner before I head into work. Hopefully I'll get the same waitress and we'll see what happens.

Wish me luck.

Hey dude, I wanted to wish you good luck. But I also want to remind you that while it's excellent practice, it's best not to go after people in any sort of service industry. I'm not saying you can't date them, but the cues you get won't necessarily mean the same thing. Their job is to be friendly, you know? So yeah, good practice but not necessarily the best dating pursuit.

 

[Captain_Nick]

She means, they are friendly because they want large tips.

 

[Cheapjack]

Asking people for a date when there's lots of people stood behind you, waiting for service, is a bit of a heart-beater. So is talking to service personnel, for half an hour, when there is no-one around, and getting them caught by a supervisor, cos they are supposed to be working, is not fun.

I know someobne who had 200 women, and had never asked a woman out that way, and wouldn't, but he was a control freak.

Good luck.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Good luck with the waitress, Shran. She's kind of a long shot, though, because waitresses get hit on by a lot of people, especially if they're very attractive.

 

[Admiral Shran]

I'm not trying to ask her out, just flirt with her.

But, no luck, she wasn't there last night.

 

[Finn]

Well, I never heard back on Facebook from that woman I once went out with, so that's a downer.
.

Let me tell you a story about one of the bridemaids for my wedding. She's a childhood friend of my fiancee's. For a long while, Ms. Finn had a hard time trying to get in touch about making her a bridemaid. Months went by. She was active on her FB, visible to my fiancee. Ms. Finn sent several FB messages to her. A couple of months went by without a reply. One day, my future mother in law was on the phone with that childhood friend's mother and mentioned that Ms. Finn wanted that friend to be a bridemaid. It turned out she didn't realize it and didn't notice the messages. She was actually very excited about it once she knew it. She'll be the one throwing the bridal shower since the rest of the bridal party lives far from DC.

The morale is don't take it personal or assume she doesn't want to reply if a couple of weeks goes by without a word from her.

 

[Shatnertage]

I'm not trying to ask her out, just flirt with her.

But, no luck, she wasn't there last night.

Good job--you've got the right attitude. You said something nice and nothing awful happened--you even got a smile. Works for me.

 

[STR]

Asking people for a date when there's lots of people stood behind you, waiting for service, is a bit of a heart-beater. So is talking to service personnel, for half an hour, when there is no-one around, and getting them caught by a supervisor, cos they are supposed to be working, is not fun.

I know someobne who had 200 women, and had never asked a woman out that way, and wouldn't, but he was a control freak.
:

I did it once, not intentionally though. I made a comment to a bartender about how she's a saint to put up with the 40 year old men making non-stop passes, as well as how she dealt with a younger guy that was socially and mentally challenged. We traded a few stories about my time in retail sales, her time in her bar tending jobs. Eventually I asked her out for coffee.

It didn't get past that first date (in fact, half-way through we agreed it wasn't going any further, it actually got more fun after that when we spent time joking about really awful first dates we've had). Then only reason I think it worked was because I really wasn't hitting on her (I rarely seek someone out for that purpose). I just had a conversation, and at the end asked if she'd like to continue it some other day.

Then again, that's just my mental attitude. Never force anything. Just talk to someone and see where it goes.

 

[Cheapjack]

I agree with STR, don't force it, but subtly incline to a coffee after work. Unless you're the world's most boring man, she'll agree.

 

[firecrackerrrr]

Every day I get up and put on a mask for the world to see that says "everything's fine" because I'm too afraid to let my true feeling show.

I had to edit out what I wrote as I got a bit too personal.

But when you ask her out for coffee, try to not think of it as a date at all. In fact think of it as something entirely casual and like she's just a buddy. Do that a few times till you feel comfortable enough around her to be able to have deeper conversations. Just try to take it slow. And you know what? It's not the end of the world if it doesn't go well. Just try not to pressure yourself too much.

 

[Cepstrum]

Some of you are probably already asking yourselves "why would you say you hate yourself"? Well, the answer to that is quite simple - I'm 31 years old and have the social skills of an extremely shy, socially awkward 11-year-old. I have a truly deep-seated fear of interacting with women, and even more especially with women I find attractive. I have absolutely no idea why I have this problem, but it's been there ever since I was in the 6th grade.

I've never had a girlfriend and have only been on three dates in my entire life (none of which went further than the first date and none of which went all that well to start with - mostly because of my anxiety). So that means that yes I am, in fact, a 31-year-old virgin, and that's putting it mildly. I'm a 31-year-old who's never even kissed a woman. Hell, I've never even done as much as hold hands with a woman. This is despite the fact that having a relationship is the one and only thing I actually care about in this world.

I'm really depressed about this, so much so that I have trouble getting out of bed most mornings. I've even considered suicide over it, though thankfully have never tried to carry it out.

I've been seeing a psychologist for over three and a half years due to this depression/anxiety and it hasn't really helped beyond lessening some of the pain momentarily (just by having someone to talk to about it). Though I can't fault the doctor for that failure, as she's really tried her best to help me. We've tried talk therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, systematic desensitization therapy, and a whole host of other therapies. We've even tried various types of medications (I can't remember all the different types I've been on, but I know I've tried Prozac, Paxil, Effexor, Celexa, and Buspirone). However, I'm still unable to even make eye contact with women I'm interested in - I'm that anxious.

Add to that the fact that I honestly don't think my family or friends really care about the situation and that further fuels the depression.

My few friends just brush it off like it's some joke, telling me that "all you have to do is just talk to them." Try as I might to make them understand, they just can't or won't see that that is the problem - I can't just do it. That's like telling a person who's just had his arm cut off with chainsaw to just stop screaming because, after all, all he has to do is "just do it."

My parents, sister, and brother-in-law, whenever I bring up the subject with them, act completely indifferent about it and often seem like it's nothing more than a burden to them to have to deal with it. Pretty much the only "advice" I get from any of them is when they give me an order - not a suggestion, not a request, an ORDER - to get on Eharmony, like that is going to do anything. I tried Eharmony once, along with other online dating services, and guess what - nothing came from it. Then again, when you're too afraid to talk to women, even from behind the safety of a computer screen, Eharmony isn't going to get you much is it? In fact, they recently ordered me to try Eharmony again. So, I did. I've been on there for about a month now. Guess what - nothing has come from it because I'm too much of a coward to communicate with anybody.

And I'm not going to go into detail about my sister and brother-in-law, other than to say that it even further depresses that my baby sister beat me to the alter before I've even held hands with a woman. When they got married last October I had to be in the wedding party, since I was the only sibling of the bride. I even had to say the prayer at the start of the reception. I can tell you that that wasn't easy. It still amazes me that I was able to keep a straight face that entire day, since I was literally crying for myself inside.

Every day I get up and put on a mask for the world to see that says "everything's fine" because I'm too afraid to let my true feeling show. I've been thinking about posting this stuff here on TrekBBS for quite a while now. I think the only reasons I finally decided to do it were because I've been encouraged to do so by others, I simply had to get this off my chest somehow, and, thanks to my Admiral Shran handle, I can keep my anonymity.

So, if you've read this far, thanks for reading and what do think?

Shran:

Someone linked me to this thread. I, too, struggle with self-hatred, OCD, severe depressive and anxiety disorders, and have nearly killed myself four times (ambulance, hospital, and all).

I'm a bit younger than you, but I've never been comfortable around girls, either. In fact, I have no friends IRL. I'm pretty down right now, because a botched surgery last December has led to severe colorectal, kidney, liver, prostate and bladder problems. My pituitary gland is also shot. I am in incredible pain all day and am essentially confined to bed and an iPod.

I'm on medical leave from my research work and PhD program. I have no idea when/if I'll be able to return. I feel completely impotent and helpless.


But even when I was well, I had the look of a body builder (3--5% body fat and extremely muscular), but girls never paid attention to me. Now I'm asexual with no attraction whatsoever. I've always hated myself so much that I automatically assume all others hate me, too (especially girls). It really bothers me when my professor praises me for good work. I want him to drop (what I see as) the façade and tell me I'm a horrible, useless person. I have a great desire to either harm myself or have others harm me. I just can't believe I'm worth anything. It baffles me that my mother loves me. If I were her, I'd excommunicate me.

And yeah, I've had the whole mixed up childhood: a truly brilliant and world-reknowned father who was a diagnosed sociopath and narcissist, with a tendency toward schadenfreude and the cruelest torture. Obviously I've had to estrange myself from him, though he still goes out of his way to try to hurt me.

You're not alone. I feel for you. I'm so socially shy that the slightest negative comment directed at me here sends me into a big funk. I used to think "if only *some* girl showed interest in me, I'd be ok." Now I don't even care. I think it's important to not let others define how you see your self (but who am I to talk!)

I wish I could make things easier for you. I have not read the rest of the posts, but I imagine the people are pretty supportive. I hope so, at least. I'd sure like support!

Best wishes

Cepstrum

 

[Shatnertage]

^^^You seem like a nice guy on here, Cepstrum--very thoughtful and considerate towards others, even when their opinions differ from your own. That's worth a lot in my book, if that counts.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Cepstrum, I hope that you are seeing a professional about these issues, because your feelings of self hatred are completely unwarranted. You should read through the rest of the Thread. You're not alone. A lot of people have issues like this, either because of nature of nurture. Please, whenever you think of hurting yourself or killing yourself, stop and remember that there are others who understand what you're going through, and who like you for who you are.