I am very confused

[Goji]

I have a lot to say at the moment, but I am really still processing it myself. All I know now is that I am confused. I really don't know what to believe.

As many of you know, one of my Japanese penpals fell in love with me a few years ago, and I came to love her back. For more than two years we kept in contact. It was difficult sometimes, but we endured the distance. We sent each other presents for Christmas and our birthdays. We sent each other love notes. She told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and she was so very thankful for my love.

I met her this year. We had a wonderful time. We both did, I felt that. And when time came for us to part, we agreed that I would come back and spend more time with her. She said that she wanted that. After I got back, we talked over Skype and she said similar things. I told her of my success in getting a job in Japan, and she told me she was looking forward to my return. She told me she loved me very much, and that was the last thing I heard from her. Three weeks ago.

Since then I've tried to contact her over email and over phone, and have failed to reach her. But in the course of our relationship, she has frequently gone out of contact for several weeks or even months at a time. I didn't consider it that unusual.

Tonight I called her on Skype, and reached her mother. The hour long conversation I had with her mother, entirely in Japanese, was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. She said horrible, horrible things about her own daughter. She said that she is untrustworthy and unreliable, that she lies and changes her feelings on a whim. She said that she is antisocial, that she doesn't want to talk to me or anyone else. She said she was "afraid" of me, and contact with boys in general, and that she said yesterday that she didn't love me at all.

Her mother literally called her "the worst", and told me that I deserve better than her. And when I told her I didn't believe that, I believe that she is a good, kind person that does love me... she told me that the person I loved doesn't exist. That I imagined her, and she wishes that it wasn't so.

And I don't know what to say. The girl her mother described is the opposite of the person I thought I knew. We have had a relationship for years, I met her, I spent time with her. I felt that our connection was real, and when she told me that she loved me, something she said many times, it felt like the truth every time.

Her mother thinks that she will never talk to me again. If that is so, then I am heartbroken. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me, and was looking forward to being with me again. Now I am expected to believe that that was either a complete and total lie, or she pulled a 180 for absolutely no reason.

I want to believe that she is still the girl I knew, that she still loves me and that I can still love her. I haven't ever heard a single word from her that would even begin to contradict that. But everything her mother said stands in complete opposition to what I thought I understood.

I was told by the mother of my girlfriend that she doesn't love me, and that she will never talk to me again, for absolutely no reason. And then I was told that she isn't worth loving, and is a horrible human being.

I... just don't know what to say to that.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Her mother sounds full of shit. Don't blame the girl for that. Keep trying to contact her.

 

[Capn Flukie]

That's just awful Goji. I don't have any advice, but I can sympathize with what you must be feeling.

 

[Kestra]

Wait till you have made contact with her yourself to actually figure out what's going on.

 

[Lindley]

Are you certain that was her mother rather than some random woman pulling a prank? Did you meet her before?

 

[MANT!]

Sir, I am actually hopeful for you, keep trying..

However, I am reminded of how traditional Japanese often view inter-racial marriage as something horrible, perhaps her mother is actually against you and her daughter being involved together, made her feelings known and shut the door on you, but not wishing to seem the villain, made her daughter into the bad person to save face...

Continue to attempt contact, maintain hope and keep us advised

If it cannot be salvaged, your best bet is to find another...after you recover emotionally..

 

[Yoda]

"The love of my life ignores me for months at a time!"

What is this, a MadBaggins post?

 

[MANT!]

Yoda, please read the entire post before you make facetious comments..
It's not the ignore thing, that has been explained..
it's the conversation with the mother that is the issue..

 

[sidious618]

I'm inclined to think that the mother is not being entirely truthful. Keep trying to get in contact.

However, at the same time you must begin to brace yourself for what could be dissapointment. It seems odd to me that she'd be out of contact without any warning with someone she claims to love for such a long period of time.

Best of luck and make sure to keep us updated.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Hmm...a strange situation indeed. I see three possible scenarios here:

1. The mother is telling the truth and your girlfriend has some type of mental/chemical disorder, sort of like being bipolar, that causes her to change attitude "on a whim" as the mother said. This would fit with her disappearing for a few weeks at a time and then coming back to you all lovey. If this is the case, I don't know if there's really any way you could find out for sure unless you spent a lot more time with her in person. And whether her love for you was ever truly real or not would be debatable.

2. She really did feel something for you but her feelings have changed and she is afraid of hurting you, so she got her mom to do the dirty work for her. It's a lot easier to keep up the appearance of loving someone when you don't see them in person everyday. There may be other stresses in her life at this time and knowing that you will soon be moving there may be freaking her out and she feels like she's in a tough situation, so she vented to her mom. If this is the case then there isn't much you can do to change her feelings.

3. She really does care for you and wants to continue seeing you but her mother/parents/other family members do not want you together. The mother doesn't want you to resume contact with her so she told you that she doesn't love you anymore and wants nothing to do with you, hoping to keep you two apart.

No matter what, you obviously need to get in contact with her. Keep trying and hopefully, eventually, you will get through. If you only reach her mother again, then ask for her daughter to contact you to tell you that she doesn't want to speak to you anymore and then you will leave them alone. If all else fails, you can try to visit her when you get to Japan. But if you've gone that long without anything from her it may be best to just let it go, as painful and impossible as that may seem.

What I hope for you is that she really does care for you and this is just a case of her mother not wanting you together. That's no great situation but at least it wouldn't be as painful as learning that she really doesn't love you.

Regardless, you have gained a great deal from this relationship and even if it's really over (which I hope it's not), it was not all for nothing.

 

[Daneel]

I'll join the chorus and say that you should definitely keep trying to get in contact with her, and talk to her about what her mother said to you. Maybe there's some bad blood between the two of them that you didn't know about (which might explain why the mother holds her daughter in such low esteem), or as goldbug said, maybe the mother is the one who is against your relationship and is trying to sabotage it.

However, I think sidious has a point: given the intensity of the feelings you say you both have, it does seem kind of strange that she would be out of contact with you for weeks or months at a time. That might be a cause for some concern. If a significant amount of time passes and you still haven't gotten in touch with her... well, perhaps you should start to consider moving on.

I've never been in a situation like this, and honestly, relationships are very much not my area of expertise, but that's my take on the issue, FWIW.

 

[Yoda]

No no no. Go ahead and give up on the girl. Go back to Japan, and find another Japanese girl... the first one is nuts. The emotions you are feeling are largely puppy love nonsense. You probably won't listen to me, but give it time and you'll wish you did.

 

[SilentP]

Sir, I am actually hopeful for you, keep trying..

However, I am reminded of how traditional Japanese often view inter-racial marriage as something horrible, perhaps her mother is actually against you and her daughter being involved together, made her feelings known and shut the door on you, but not wishing to seem the villain, made her daughter into the bad person to save face...

Continue to attempt contact, maintain hope and keep us advised

If it cannot be salvaged, your best bet is to find another...after you recover emotionally..

After being in a slightly similar situation to yours, this is the approach I would suggest, but I would also add a similar sentiment that sidious said and prepare to brace yourself for the worst.

 

[Thespeckledkiwi]

Best of luck to you Goj...I really don't know what to say other than what other's have said and keep trying.

 

[pookha]

Her mother sounds full of shit. Don't blame the girl for that. Keep trying to contact her.

yeah..
the mother may not approve of her daughter being with an american and made that stuff up to run you away.
and if you give up without hearing it from her directly then the mother can just tell the girl..
see he really didnt care for you and had no intent of really being with you.

proceed with caution and good luck.
as for the time periods you dont hear from her..
it maybe because she is going through intense periods of study.
or if she knows her mother is against this that may be factored in.

 

[Kibbin]

"The love of my life ignores me for months at a time!"

What is this, a MadBaggins post?

Go over there and stone cold her mother that will show her

But seriously I hate to be a glass is half empty kindof person, but while you shared many written and typed conversations it would have been quite possible for her to hide something like this. I would say assume the worst but maybe try a couple more times, a letter or two and as someone else said if you can get her onto skype to say that she doesn't want to carry opn with it, it would be better than hearing it from someone else.
I don't think this is an interracial thing though, I've known a few mothers like that in my time and they are usually quite open about such things and not prone to saying they wish it were so etc etc.
Keep trying and good luck

 

[RoJoHen]

Um...does your girlfriend have multiple personality disorder? Not that I want to jump to extremes, but it might explain why she goes missing for long periods at a time.

 

[Mr Awe]

There's so many possibilities here and it'll be impossible for you to determine without talking to the girl (and maybe not even then).

Here's one for you to consider. Her mother is not happy that her daughter is dating an American. She may not believe what she is saying, rather saying it simply to destroy the relationship.

I don't know that to be true (obviously) but it is a possibility. You should take all efforts to find out for yourself what the truth is. At this moment, you need to understand that you really don't know what the truth is. Obviously there is a lot going on that you had no clue about regardless of what the specific truth is.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

No no no. Go ahead and give up on the girl. Go back to Japan, and find another Japanese girl... the first one is nuts. The emotions you are feeling are largely puppy love nonsense. You probably won't listen to me, but give it time and you'll wish you did.

Sorry, but this is bad advice. You typically regret what you don't do, not what you do. In this case, Goji would forever regret not finding out the truth. The "what ifs" would haunt him.

However, he would not regret discovering the truth, even if it's bad for him. Sure, he'd be down right after but in the long run he would be glad he did it.

Actually, the mother being against her dating an American could well explain the periods of no communciation. The turmoil in that Japanese family might've been intense. Both between family members and within each individuals--duty to the family versus following her heart.

Mr Awe

 

[Goji]

I don't believe this has anything to do with her mother disapproving of me. I met her when I went to Japan, and when we talked last night I got the feeling that she was trying to help me. When she described her daughter the way she did, she sounded genuinely sad. I don't think it was a lie, and even if she did want to break us up, I don't think she would have waited this long.

But regardless, her mother did as I requested and asked her once again to talk to me. She apparently refused and asked that I stop trying to contact her. So I will. If she ever wants to talk to me again, which I am not anticipating, she has many ways to contact me. I have tried to the best of my abilities to understand the situation, but I'm not willing to go any further. I cannot force her to explain herself to me. Nor would I do so if I could. She is not behaving at all like the girl I thought I knew. That in and of itself says that this is over, and if even half of what her mother said is true, it's probably for the best. Looking back, there are definitely some things that the girl herself said to me that, while not alarming at the time, do tend to support some of what her mother told me in hindsight.

I'm sorry it's over, but it doesn't change that much. I'm still going to Japan and very much looking forward to it. I grew during the time that I knew her, and this doesn't undo that. I enjoyed my time with her, but everything ends sooner or later.