I am very confused

[Mr Awe]

Professor Zoom, I don't think anyone is blaming the mother. Personally, I'm just saying that Goji hasn't obtained the truth directly from the girl. He simply doesn't know for sure. A second hand report is never as good as from the original source. That's basic communication principles.

I think it's worth one chat with the girl in person. It doesn't have to be more than that. Doesn't have to be pushy or intrusive. If she tells him that she doesn't want to talk, that is it then. Pretty straightforward stuff.

Mr Awe

 

[An Officer]

Goji , has said that he is afraid, perhaps of her family, perhaps more afraid of being rejected by her in person. Either way, fear is not the best place to operate from. Personally, I would want to face the music. So, you've been dumped by the mother right now? Were you having a relationship with the mother? No. It is not unreasonable to want to hear it from the girl herself. With all due respect, the boy needs to grow some balls. Don't be so afraid of everything. Life lies just beyond your comfort zone.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I hope it works out for you better than it did for Frank Costanza.

Seriously, good luck.

 

[Kestra]

Oh come on you guys, he's made plenty of efforts to contact her and he's clearly decided what course of action he will take from now on. No one knows the situation as well as he does and he seems to be operating from a pretty sensible mindset. Let's give him support rather than picking apart his decision.

 

[JustKate]

I agree, Kestra/Kestmas Tree. She's indicated, pretty darn clearly, that she isn't interested. If she was, she'd find a way to communicate with him. Sheesh, surely they have public computers in Japan - in libraries or whatever, like we have in the U.S. So if she wanted to communicate with him, she almost certainly would have found a way through email or whatever. The only option left is just showing up at her house, and that's just a bad, bad, bad idea.

This war is lost. I think Goji is handling it in a very level-headed way.

 

[Sky]

Sheesh, surely they have public computers in Japan - in libraries or whatever, like we have in the U.S. So if she wanted to communicate with him, she almost certainly would have found a way through email or whatever.

All the Japanese people I know are online all the time via their cellphones. Everyone has email in their keitai. So I have to think that if she wanted to stay in contact, she'd easily find a way.

I'm sorry.

 

[Mr Awe]

Goji , has said that he is afraid, perhaps of her family, perhaps more afraid of being rejected by her in person. Either way, fear is not the best place to operate from. Personally, I would want to face the music. So, you've been dumped by the mother right now? Were you having a relationship with the mother? No. It is not unreasonable to want to hear it from the girl herself. With all due respect, the boy needs to grow some balls. Don't be so afraid of everything. Life lies just beyond your comfort zone.

Great way of putting it!

 

[Mr Awe]

I agree, Kestra/Kestmas Tree. She's indicated, pretty darn clearly, that she isn't interested.

She hasn't indicated squat. I don't know, if I wanted an answer from someone, I'd talk to that person. Not someone else. Maybe that's just me though. Right now he's operating in the dark. The whole premise he's operating under is being painted by someone else, who has their own agenda as a very interested party.

But, sure, it's easier to bail.

Agree that email and phone attempts are pointless. I would try one attempt in person. If she doesn't want to, fine that's really it then. But, who knows until you try.

Mr Awe

 

[Professor Zoom]

Professor Zoom, I don't think anyone is blaming the mother. Personally, I'm just saying that Goji hasn't obtained the truth directly from the girl. He simply doesn't know for sure. A second hand report is never as good as from the original source. That's basic communication principles.

He may not get the truth from the girl. He probably HASN'T gotten the truth from the girl.

Her actions have probably been more truthful than her words. Communication is more than just words sometimes.

I think it's worth one chat with the girl in person. It doesn't have to be more than that. Doesn't have to be pushy or intrusive. If she tells him that she doesn't want to talk, that is it then. Pretty straightforward stuff.

Mr Awe

I think in many ways she HAS said she doesn't want to talk. Let's not assume she's going to act in a mature way.

I agree, Kestra/Kestmas Tree. She's indicated, pretty darn clearly, that she isn't interested.

She hasn't indicated squat. I don't know, if I wanted an answer from someone, I'd talk to that person. Not someone else. Maybe that's just me though. Right now he's operating in the dark. The whole premise he's operating under is being painted by someone else, who has their own agenda as a very interested party.

Emphasis mine.

I disagree. From the other periods of non-communication and this current moment of non-communication, there are clearly some problems.

And he's not just operating from the premise from someone else, he is also operating from his OWN experience with the girl.

But, sure, it's easier to bail.

So what? He could talk to her and never hear the "truth." She may never want to talk to him. He's made every effort to communicate and has been rebuffed.

Sometimes in life you don't get answers, sometimes there are no answers. It sucks, but there you go.

And I don't think it's "easy" to bail. He's put his heart and soul into this relationship. Cutting ties cannot be that easy.

 

[JustKate]

I agree, Professor. True, she hasn't said anything verbally, but avoiding communication can send a message anyway - loud and clear, sometimes.

There is just no way around the plain fact that if she wanted to communicate with him, she would have. She hasn't. Those of you who keep insisting that he has to talk to her directly to find out "how she feels" have simply not accepted that. She's shown how she feels - though not why she feels that way - and she has done so clearly.

The only thing talking to her - assuming this could be managed - would do would be to allow Goji to either hear more lies or hear exactly why she doesn't care for him any more. And what would that accomplish, exactly? When somebody no longer cares for you any more, there usually isn't a reason - not a real one. It really and truly comes down to "I just don't care for you any more," and what's a person supposed to learn from that?

It's done. I am sorry, Goji.

 

[Mr Awe]

I guess I just have a different approach to life. A much more direct approach, which is based on communication with the actual person rather than hearsay and assumptions.

Mr Awe

 

[RJDiogenes]

Goji knows what he's doing. He's made the best possible effort to contact this woman and she hasn't responded. Whether it's because she's a coward, or mentally unstable or allowing herself to be dominated by her Mother is mostly irrelevant at this point; the result is the same in any case.

Of course, it's possible that her Mother has her chained up in the attic and Goji needs to recruit a crack squad of TrekBBSers to assist him in liberating her, but we need a bit more evidence before we go with that theory.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Sounds like her mother simply wants her daughter not getting hitched out of her nationallity, that's all. She jsut chose a disgusting way of trying to accomplish that.

Like said, her mother is full of shit.

 

[Goji]

Okay, I would really like the implications that her mother is against me because of racial or nationality reasons to stop. I have seen no evidence of anything of the sort, none, and to just assume that it is the case is the worst kind of cultural stereotyping. I met her mother when I went to Japan, and she knew exactly who I was. She welcomed me into her house and did everything she could to make me feel cared for. When I talked to her on the phone, she spent an HOUR discussing this with me. She could have said "Sorry, you can't talk to her, go away now" in ten seconds flat, hung up the phone and achieved the same effect. Everything she said and did points to her being on my side here. I think she honestly wanted me to know that what has happened isn't my fault.

And no, I am sorry, I do not make it a habit to go places that I have reason to believe I will not be welcome at. And I have strong reason to believe I won't be welcome at her house. If I were to go anyway, in my book that's one or two steps removed from stalking. Right now, as I see it, I haven't done anything to this girl to deserve what she is doing to me. I like that. I like knowing that even through completely unfair treatment, I am doing what my conscience says I should do. If I were to violate an explicit wish not to contact her, I would be doing something I believe to be wrong. I won't do it. No good could come from it, and a lot of bad could.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Goji, you're a nice guy and I'm sorry to see you going through this dilemma with a very special woman you truly care about.

On the one hand, you're hearing only one side of the story here--from the perspective of a mother who could be just overprotective of her child or opposed to the idea of interracial relationships as others have mentioned. On the other hand, you pointed out that there have been periods of no communication between you and your girlfriend. If what her mom says about her has any merits, then I shudder to think that your gf might have some form of depressive or personality disorder, which would explain her being non-responsive.

With due respect to Kes and others, I've made it known that I'm not a proponent of long-distance relationships, and in that regard, the person you fell in love with over the phone or across the continents might be totally different from the person she really is.

In any case, you move on with your life. If it makes you feel better to find out the truth directly from your gf, then you should seek some answers. Good luck.

 

[JustKate]

And I have strong reason to believe I won't be welcome at her house. If I were to go anyway, in my book that's one or two steps removed from stalking. Right now, as I see it, I haven't done anything to this girl to deserve what she is doing to me. I like that. I like knowing that even through completely unfair treatment, I am doing what my conscience says I should do. If I were to violate an explicit wish not to contact her, I would be doing something I believe to be wrong. I won't do it. No good could come from it, and a lot of bad could.

That is the most important thing, or so it seems to me - that you do what you know to be right. Best of luck to you.

As for those implications about her mother that you mentioned, I agree that people should quit making them. You've met her, we haven't, so any conclusions we make are based on sweeping generalizations and assumptions that we really should not be making because we have absolutely no data. I realize - and I hope you do as well - that the folks making those implications think they are being helpful. They are trying to make you feel better, they are trying to make you feel that the girl you fell in love with is still out there. I think they're wrong, but I do think they are wrong with the best of intentions.

 

[Mr Awe]

Goji knows what he's doing. He's made the best possible effort to contact this woman and she hasn't responded. Whether it's because she's a coward, or mentally unstable or allowing herself to be dominated by her Mother is mostly irrelevant at this point; the result is the same in any case.

Well, I'd agree if he actually had contact with the girl. Although, I do agree that it's time to give it a rest for awhile. Then, one more attempt while in Japan.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

Right now, as I see it, I haven't done anything to this girl to deserve what she is doing to me. I like that. I like knowing that even through completely unfair treatment, I am doing what my conscience says I should do.

Goji, there is definitely value in that. There is also value in determining the truth from the source as well. These may, or may not, be self-contradictory goals in this case. (I wouldn't equate this with stalking, especially if you give it a rest for awhile.) But, this is a difficult situation with no easy answers. I wish you the best.

Oh, and for the record, I haven't made any implications about the mother. She's just simply not the girl herself and she'll have her own perceptions of the situation that may be different from what the girl would say.

Mr Awe

 

[Professor Zoom]

Okay, I would really like the implications that her mother is against me because of racial or nationality reasons to stop. I have seen no evidence of anything of the sort, none, and to just assume that it is the case is the worst kind of cultural stereotyping.

Well said.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I guess it's safe to say that it would probably best to take some people's advice with just a grain of salt.