I am very confused

[Mr Awe]

If I were in your situation, I would call at her home personally when I arived in Japan, just to put my own mind at rest, that it was indeed her own decision, and not interference from her family.

I agree with this. Goji, I would not rule out this last option. As I wisely wrote in this thread, you typically regret what you haven't done rather than what you have done.

In other words, you won't regret this last attempt at communication. But, you'll regret it if you don't try.

Mr Awe

 

[RJDiogenes]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear this. It's hard to say what's really going on, but it's not good whatever it is. I'm inclined to think that Spot's Meow had it right with point #1; very likely your friend has some mental or emotional issue. Perhaps she thought that her relationship with you would be enough to help her deal with it, and found out otherwise. So I wouldn't judge her too harshly; it may very well be beyond her control.

In any case, I'm sorry this this happened to you, and I hope it still works out somehow.

 

[Goji]

Really, if she doesn't contact me at all in the three months between now and my arrival in Japan, I'm not going to make an attempt to contact her. It's on her now. And even if she were to contact me, I'm not sure how much I want to involve myself in what is looking more and more like a frighteningly disturbed situation. I am not angry at her now. I am confused by her decisions, but I feel sorry for her more than I resent her. Her affection for me was real, and the time we spent together was wonderful for both of us. She has chosen to throw away something she called "the best thing that ever happened to me", and there is no good reason for it. That's sad, and I wish her the best in finding out what she needs to make her life better.

Still, I can already feel myself healing from this, and I'm not going to want to reopen the wounds as soon as I arrive in a new country. I loved her, but this whole thing has me quite scared. It's alright with me to put it behind me.

 

[Finn]

Sorry about that. I agree that the ball is in her court. Hope all works out either way so that you can move on.

 

[ladyheather69]

Goji
I am very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. And I believe you are doing the right thing by not contacting her anymore. The ball is in her court, as you have stated, and it is now up to her.

I am glad to see that you are still excited about going to Japan, and that this relationship hasn't dampened your excitement.

Your attitude about this relationship and how you are handling it, as well as your attitude about continuing to pursue something you have striven(is that a word?)for is commendable and admirable.

Good luck to you!

 

[An Officer]

Goji, just because you have a relatively ordinary home-life, and relatively well-adjusted parents, you shouldn't assume everyone else does. Families may seem normal from surface impressions, but I have had to come across some crazy stuff in my line of work, like young people who are imprisoned in their home, forcibly. Parents who not only lie about it, but don't realise they're doing anything wrong at all.

I am a little concerned for your girlfriend actually. It may be that she is okay, then again, you don't know that for sure right now. All I am saying is, don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by hurt feelings, self-pity, and anger at the situation, not until you have actually spoken to her in person, and have the full facts from her, or at least some small explanation... all manner of things could be going on that you know nothing about. At the moment, you are making decisions blind, and from a place of hurt. Understandable, but try to see beyond yourself and show some concern for your loved one. You wouldn't like yourself very much if you could have helped her somehow and made a difference and you didn't. That is, if there is anything at all wrong to begin with.

You say you don't see why her mother would attempt to separate you in an underhand way at this late stage, but you posed no real threat to the status quo initially, you lived in another country entirely. Her mother may have thought it was of no consequence, because of the great distance, your ages, and the cultural barriers. Now that you have shown you are very serious however, having found a job, and preparing to pack bags and move there, that changes the ballgame entirely. You could then be seen as a very serious threat to whatever hopes and plans her family had for her.

You say you love her, then you speak of healing from this within a day or so of getting this bombshell from her mother. I know that you are afraid and a little confused... but have you thought about the welfare of your love, don't you want to see for yourself that she is okay and has come to this decision autonomously in a normal way? Can you live with the doubt that her freedom may have been taken away on this matter? If you think a young person cannot be forcibly controlled and micro-managed if someone set their minds to it, then you are very wrong. I have unfortunately seen this upclose and personal more than once in my job. Diabolical things happen everyday to good people. Just make sure you're making as well-informed a decision as you can. And frankly, just hearing it from her mother is not enough.

And did you say you spoke to her mother on Skype? Does that mean she logged on with her daughter's password? That suggests some kind of extensive monitoring to me. I hope that's not the case at all though.

I really hope everything is okay with your girlfriend, and that you will both find happiness at the end of all this.

 

[Goji]

I hope everything is okay with her too. But since it is physically impossible for me to talk to her, I really don't see what I can do about it. I also believe that continuing to do things that I have been asked not to do is going to get people very unhappy with me, and if they are already unhappy with me, bad things may start to happen. I don't want to provoke people, and I really get the feeling that I would be. None of this is ideal. None of this is what I want, and I am absolutely concerned about her. But there are limitations to what I can do. And unless you can point to something specific that I haven't tried ("call more" and "email more" do not count), I have simply run out of options. So I can do two things, bang my head into a wall with worry and regret about this, or TRY to focus on the positives and live my own life. I appreciate that you are concerned for her and me, and I appreciate your words. But it's frustrating to be urged to do something that I want to do, and that I can't do.

 

[An Officer]

I agree that calling, emailing, letters, etc, are pretty much useless right now. I only meant that you should perhaps reconsider and think about paying a visit to her home once you arrive in Japan, since you posted earlier that you would not be doing that, and intended to put the entire thing behind you. Of course, it is your decision at the end of the day, and I understand any concerns you may have about how you may be received, but I would be very surprised if her parents didn't expect something like that once you arrived, given the length of your friendship, and how serious you had become.

 

[Goji]

I really don't want to show up unexpected to a place I may not be welcome at, after three months of intentional lack of contact. At best it would be awkward. At worst, it could be dangerous.

 

[Spot's Meow]

The only other options I can possibly think of are contacting friends of hers or someone else that she knows, even if she only knows them online. These people might have more insight. But from your situation it sounds like you don't know anyone like that or you would have contacted them already.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

Stick to your guns, Goji. The ball is in her court. If she wants to talk she knows how to contact you. If you go see her it'll probably just make you feel worse.

 

[freak]

Goji: That's so awful! I have to agree with what the other posters have said thus far. This girl may definitely have mental illness, such as bipolar disorder or depression and if that's the case, then she can indeed turn a 180 on you for no apparant reason. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I must warn you that the Japanese don't like interracial relationships at all so the mother could hold a grudge against you in that sense. What I would do is attempt to contact the girl and get her side of the story before you jump to any conclusions at the moment. Maybe the mother is psychotic or something and doesn't want you around her daughter? A lot of mothers are very overprotective of their children and sometimes have a tough time letting them go. I'm not for sure since I don't know them personally but I do agree that you need to contact the girl again and get her side of things first. I just hope that this isn't such a finality to you..because if it is, then you'll probably be emotionally scarred for a while. I hate it that this happened to you! You feel like you've met "the one" and then she's ripped away from you for no apparant reason. That really sucks, man!

 

[nevermore]

I really don't want to show up unexpected to a place I may not be welcome at, after three months of intentional lack of contact. At best it would be awkward. At worst, it could be dangerous.

Absolutely right. Showing up at someone's house after they have asked you not to contact them and pointedly ignored you for moths on end is both creepy and wrong. And how would you explain yourself? "Oh, I know you said not to contact you and you haven't contacted me in months, but I thought maybe your mother was just a psycho bitch, so here I am!"?

 

[Professor Zoom]

Goji: That's so awful! I have to agree with what the other posters have said thus far. This girl may definitely have mental illness, such as bipolar disorder or depression and if that's the case, then she can indeed turn a 180 on you for no apparant reason. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I must warn you that the Japanese don't like interracial relationships at all so the mother could hold a grudge against you in that sense. What I would do is attempt to contact the girl and get her side of the story before you jump to any conclusions at the moment. Maybe the mother is psychotic or something and doesn't want you around her daughter? A lot of mothers are very overprotective of their children and sometimes have a tough time letting them go. I'm not for sure since I don't know them personally but I do agree that you need to contact the girl again and get her side of things first. I just hope that this isn't such a finality to you..because if it is, then you'll probably be emotionally scarred for a while. I hate it that this happened to you! You feel like you've met "the one" and then she's ripped away from you for no apparant reason. That really sucks, man!

He says he has tried, over and over, through email, phone, and letters. He has tried to get a hold of her. Even before this conversation with the mother, she would not return calls for months.

It seems to be a pattern with her. A big red flag of a pattern if you ask me.

 

[Kirby]

Goji this situation really sucks, but if something in a relationship is this dysfunctional early on, then it'll only get worse as you continue the relationship. It'll be tough to get over, especially the part that you really don't understand why she won't talk to you, but in the long run you're better off without her.

On the off chance that mom is the driving force behind all of this, then she'll find a way to contact you a some point.

 

[Goji]

I really don't want to show up unexpected to a place I may not be welcome at, after three months of intentional lack of contact. At best it would be awkward. At worst, it could be dangerous.

Absolutely right. Showing up at someone's house after they have asked you not to contact them and pointedly ignored you for moths on end is both creepy and wrong. And how would you explain yourself? "Oh, I know you said not to contact you and you haven't contacted me in months, but I thought maybe your mother was just a psycho bitch, so here I am!"?

Yes. Although while we are discussing things creepy and wrong, I'd like to reiterate that I consider her refusal to so much as acknowledge me at present, when three weeks ago she professed to love me dearly, still qualifies as well. She did start this, I'm just trying to end it as gracefully as I can. That is really my goal at the moment.

 

[Mr Awe]

Really, if she doesn't contact me at all in the three months between now and my arrival in Japan, I'm not going to make an attempt to contact her. It's on her now.

You're saying this because it is easier for you in the short run. But as An Officer says, you are making decisions blind. You don't know what is going on. You have no concrete information and are assuming a lot. That's a bad way to make a decision.

I agree with holding off on further attempts to contact her via email, phone, etc. But, I would recommend trying in person when you are back in Japan. No need to push it, if she tells you herself that she doesn't want to talk to you/see you, that can be it. But, at least you'll know *from her*.

Yes, this approach might be a bit more difficult for you in the short run, but in the long run you'll be much happier (however it turns out) that you dealt with it rather than ducking out on the issue by taking the easy way out of not dealing with it.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

I really don't want to show up unexpected to a place I may not be welcome at, after three months of intentional lack of contact. At best it would be awkward. At worst, it could be dangerous.

Absolutely right. Showing up at someone's house after they have asked you not to contact them and pointedly ignored you for moths on end is both creepy and wrong. And how would you explain yourself? "Oh, I know you said not to contact you and you haven't contacted me in months, but I thought maybe your mother was just a psycho bitch, so here I am!"?

*SHE* hasn't asked him not to contact her. Goji does not know what is going on with her. He's heard from a 3rd party (the mother) who has her own, unknown, interests in the subject.

I don't know about you, but that's no basis for a decision for me. I talk to people directly.

Mr Awe

 

[Professor Zoom]

I think it's very simple to blame the mother. It makes for a very romantic story.

I think of Goji goes back and looks, there are very clear signs that there is something going on with the girl. She says she loves him, but then doesn't make contact for weeks? And this keeps repeating?

I have a feeling the mother is being truthful. There IS something going on, but it's with the girl and not the mother.

 

[nevermore]

I really don't want to show up unexpected to a place I may not be welcome at, after three months of intentional lack of contact. At best it would be awkward. At worst, it could be dangerous.

Absolutely right. Showing up at someone's house after they have asked you not to contact them and pointedly ignored you for moths on end is both creepy and wrong. And how would you explain yourself? "Oh, I know you said not to contact you and you haven't contacted me in months, but I thought maybe your mother was just a psycho bitch, so here I am!"?

Yes. Although while we are discussing things creepy and wrong, I'd like to reiterate that I consider her refusal to so much as acknowledge me at present, when three weeks ago she professed to love me dearly, still qualifies as well. She did start this, I'm just trying to end it as gracefully as I can. That is really my goal at the moment.

I totally agree, this is on her.