I am very confused
- Thread starter Goji
- Start date
Believe me, I want to hear from her directly too. But I have sent her many emails. I have tried calling her, on both her line and her family's. I even sent her a letter in the mail. At some point it becomes harassment. And that line is usually crossed when one party makes it expressly clear they want it to stop. Which she has, both through her mother and through her refusal to respond to any of my requests. There is no method of reaching her that I haven't tried and failed with, so what else can I do?
I once thought I had fallen in love with a woman I'd met online. We became involved, spent hours every night chatting or skyping, saying very loving things to one another, making plans for the future, such as moving closer to each other. This all progressed very quickly, and in about 3 weeks, when a trip I was making would allow me a detour to visit her, I decided to break up instead. I was becoming increasingly aware of boredom with such frequent contact with her, noticed how mechanical and devoid of meaning all the "I love yous" had become for me, to the point I just came to dread the coming trip. Terrible as it sounds, I decided to save money by not going, gambling on the gut feeling that meeting her in person would not restore my feelings to their initial level of excitement. Anyway she was devastated at what she percieved as my sudden change of heart, and I had to cut all contact to protect myself from the almost psychotic backlash over the breakup.
I cannot imagine that the same thing I did is happening to you, as two years is more than enough for someone to figure out whether what they feel is true or not, especially if you actually saw each other in person (myself, I've lost faith in the whole long-distance thing). But if, for whatever reason, such as you're my future reincarnation and karma's a bitch, she suddenly really doesn't love you anymore... man that would suck.
I cannot imagine that the same thing I did is happening to you, as two years is more than enough for someone to figure out whether what they feel is true or not, especially if you actually saw each other in person (myself, I've lost faith in the whole long-distance thing). But if, for whatever reason, such as you're my future reincarnation and karma's a bitch, she suddenly really doesn't love you anymore... man that would suck.
Goji, I take it that the only word you have (that your GF doesn't want to talk to you) is from her mother. I repeat, her mother may be lying. The woman sounds like she will do whatever she wants to drive you two apart. Outright lies don't seem to be out of the question for her. Don't believe her. Keep trying. Use other means to talk to your girl. If you do, and *she* says she doesn't want to talk, then move on from there. But don't give up yet.
You're probably correct about that, the harrassment issue. I see what you're saying. Good point, you've made a fair attempt at contacting her.
I guess without seeing it myself, my nature is to push for more. But, it sounds like you're using your good judgement knowing exactly what attempts you've made. I can imagine it must be very frustrating just not hearing back.
Mr Awe
I do not have any other means. I have tried them all. The only one I haven't tried is waiting until I get to Japan, retracing the route to her house from the station and showing up on her doorstep. Which I will not do. If she wanted to explain herself to me, she could. Very easily. She could respond to any of my emails and say "No, my mother lied, I don't feel that way."
But she hasn't. Maybe she will, but I doubt it. In any case, the next move has to be hers. It cannot be mine. I have run out of moves to make.
But she hasn't. Maybe she will, but I doubt it. In any case, the next move has to be hers. It cannot be mine. I have run out of moves to make.
While I would still advocate trying to contact her, I understand your take on the situation in which you have all the details that we don't, however concious or subconciously you acknowledge said details. I didn't catch what kind of timeframe this communication blackout has lasted, but if you feel it's been long enough, fair enough. I would mention the possibility that if her mother really dissapproves of you, there could be a chance that she is preventing the daughter from making contact, but that's incredibly remote.
Sorry to hear that Goji. Best of luck.
Emphasis mine. You went from may be lying to "outright lies don't seem to be out of the question for her"...All from a description of a conversation?
You don't know the mother. Goji spoke with the mother, he's the mother. He described her as sad, etc. He believes the mother.
Sometimes we don't know why something has happened. It may not be fair, but that's the way it is.
Personally, the warning signs were there...she doesn't respond for weeks or months? That's not how a relationship works.
She would say that she was busy with her work and didn't have time to use the computer. And at the time, I expect that was true, at least for the most part. She always apologized for her absences.
I agree with the people saying that it would be nice to keep trying to contact her and hear from her directly. But as I have said many times, it is not within my power to do so. I have sent her emails stating that I want to hear from her. Filling up her inbox with identical requests is not going to do a thing, except maybe make her think that I'm a creepy stalker person she should stay away from. I have tried calling her phone. For three weeks, it hasn't even rung. The number has either changed or she is just not using it, either way I am clearly not getting through. I tried her family number, and all I got out of that was an hour-long, painful conversation with her mother that I have already detailed. I do not care for another. I sent her a letter that I can only assume will either be ignored or thrown away. Even if I was desperate to get an answer out of her, I have no options left, no means to force one out of her. And frankly, I would rather take the high road here. I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me.
I agree with the people saying that it would be nice to keep trying to contact her and hear from her directly. But as I have said many times, it is not within my power to do so. I have sent her emails stating that I want to hear from her. Filling up her inbox with identical requests is not going to do a thing, except maybe make her think that I'm a creepy stalker person she should stay away from. I have tried calling her phone. For three weeks, it hasn't even rung. The number has either changed or she is just not using it, either way I am clearly not getting through. I tried her family number, and all I got out of that was an hour-long, painful conversation with her mother that I have already detailed. I do not care for another. I sent her a letter that I can only assume will either be ignored or thrown away. Even if I was desperate to get an answer out of her, I have no options left, no means to force one out of her. And frankly, I would rather take the high road here. I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me.
Wow man, it sounds almost exactly like what happened to me a few years back. It is possible to happen and it hurts like hell.
For your sake though I hope this is not the case and this is some elaborate odd headgame by the mother (strange as that may sound). I hope you where not deceived and she does still love you. But as you yourself have said, it's up to her now. Even though here mother might be hacking her mail and deleting it. If she isn't, there's not use in pursing it.
My advice is that if you have as a friend on Facebook or something, don't unfriend or anything, but simply make it clear on your status when you move over that you're there. Sort of like a "Hey guys, I'm in Japan now, feel free to contact me and we can hook up!" and if she does see that she can contact you.
In any case you have my sympathies.
For your sake though I hope this is not the case and this is some elaborate odd headgame by the mother (strange as that may sound). I hope you where not deceived and she does still love you. But as you yourself have said, it's up to her now. Even though here mother might be hacking her mail and deleting it. If she isn't, there's not use in pursing it.
My advice is that if you have as a friend on Facebook or something, don't unfriend or anything, but simply make it clear on your status when you move over that you're there. Sort of like a "Hey guys, I'm in Japan now, feel free to contact me and we can hook up!" and if she does see that she can contact you.
In any case you have my sympathies.
You've done what you can. And I think this is the right choice.
Goji, I think you're doing the right thing by honoring her request to stop attempting to contact her. Given the multitude of ways she could contact you without her mother's knowing, the chance that this is all being engineered by the mother is virtually non-existent. It sounds like the girl has issues that she needs to deal with, but she does not seem to want your help and continuing to force the issue will, as you say, begin to constitute harassment now that you have been expressly asked to stop. Letting it be and moving on is the mature thing to do; continuing to harangue her and coming up with excuses for the end of the relationship are childish.
Relationships come and go, and it's awesome that you can have such a great perspective on what you gained from it while it lasted, because that's what it's all about.
Relationships come and go, and it's awesome that you can have such a great perspective on what you gained from it while it lasted, because that's what it's all about.
I've never been accused of having good judgment before. I'm a little scared now.
Honestly, it would probably hurt more, and be tougher to walk away from, if I wasn't in this particular place in my life right now. No matter what happens to her, I'm still three months away from an adventure I've waited my whole life for. She was to be a part of it, but certainly not all of it. The pain from this is certainly tangible, but it can't compete with the successes I've earned this year.
Honestly, it would probably hurt more, and be tougher to walk away from, if I wasn't in this particular place in my life right now. No matter what happens to her, I'm still three months away from an adventure I've waited my whole life for. She was to be a part of it, but certainly not all of it. The pain from this is certainly tangible, but it can't compete with the successes I've earned this year.
Sorry to hear this, Goji. What an awful situation. It sounds to me as though you've done the right thing in not pushing too hard. There is only so much that can be achieved at a distance. If I were in your situation, I would call at her home personally when I arived in Japan, just to put my own mind at rest, that it was indeed her own decision, and not interference from her family. It would be quite tragic if you had been split up without her consent, and you had not done everything you could to get it straight from the horses mouth, so to speak.
If it is true that she wanted to split with you, I am sure her family will not be surprised that you want to hear this from her personally, in her own words that is, in order to close that chapter and move on. It is the very least they could do after the way you have been treated.
I do find it odd that the months long lapses in contact did not set alarm bells ringing for you... what other unusual signs might you have not picked up on... I guess that differences in culture can cause some confusion. Whatever the actual truth is, it seems certain she was hiding a few things, and wasn't being as forthcoming as she might have been, since you seem so baffled and shocked right now.
If it is true that she wanted to split with you, I am sure her family will not be surprised that you want to hear this from her personally, in her own words that is, in order to close that chapter and move on. It is the very least they could do after the way you have been treated.
I do find it odd that the months long lapses in contact did not set alarm bells ringing for you... what other unusual signs might you have not picked up on... I guess that differences in culture can cause some confusion. Whatever the actual truth is, it seems certain she was hiding a few things, and wasn't being as forthcoming as she might have been, since you seem so baffled and shocked right now.
Best attitude you can have right now. I am sorry you are going through this, but you have to focus on you for now.
And THAT attitude shows how much better you are NOW than she is..
Enjoy your adventure..
because that's what living is all about..
