Another guy kissed my girlfriend.

[doubleohfive]

*facepalm*

YOU don't need to have anything with this guy. Your girlfriend should simply report him if he starts up with the funny business again.

This whole John Wayne attitude isn't going to solve anything.

 

[Kestra]

Flux, I just want to suggest that you reframe a bit and look at it as a work thing, not a relationship thing. It's either a work-related issue for her, or it's not one at all, in regards to speaking to the guy or the manager. It's something she needs to handle at work but it's not really necessary for you to be involved in any of it.

If she is concerned at all about it continuing, she should report it immediately and get things on record before it gets to be a problem.

 

[Kitty Worrier]

I have to agree with Kirk's Tights, she doesn't have to be friends with the guy outside of work in order to keep things civil at work. My fiance work together, and hardly anyone knew we were dating for the first year. We kept our private life separate from work.

It's great he has not been texting her (the last three days). But if she really doesn't like it like you think, then the next time he does message, either she ignores him, or tells him to not contact her outside of work again.

 

[JustKate]

Flux...you are making this situation more about you than about your girlfriend, and that isn't right. You can't report him. And it's not your choice as to whether he'll be reported. At least it damn well shouldn't be. All of this is your girlfriend's call since she's the one that has to work at this place and with these people. Do you call in sick for her when she has a cold? Do you sit in on her employee evaluations? Then you should not be doing any reporting. If anybody was injured here, it was her, not you.

And honestly...and I don't mean any disrespect here (and perhaps I've missed something since there are a lot of pages in this thread)...but I don't see what the big deal is. He made a pass at her. She turned him down. This is not, in and of itself, that horrible of a crime. It happens. Yeah, yeah, I know she's "taken," but jeez, this still doesn't seem that horrible to me.

That he's slightly creepy (and I have to wonder if she really thought he was or if she's projecting her current feelings backwards) is unfortunate, but if that's where the story ends, that's the end of the story.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

I don't see how I'm making it about me...and I never said I would be the one reporting him. I know she would need to be the one to do it, I would simply suggest that she do so. I agree she needs to get over her fear of confrontation if it does become necessary for her manager to become informed. I've stayed out of it thus far, for example not saying anything to him or being a jerk when I met him at the store. If he does continue to pursue her, though, it is going to be hard for me to stay out of it but I'll try.

 

[Mr Awe]

I think this is a real situation. However, not defending the other guy, but from his point of view, she's sending out mixed messages. Yeah, she says she's taken but yet goes over to his place, sends text messages, etc. Now, he shouldn't be interpreting that as there is a chance for him, but that's how he interprets it.

For some guys, if they've told a woman that she's beautiful, that he's after her, etc (and he's done all of that) and the woman doesn't clearly rebuff him, the guy thinks there's an opportunity there. Why? Because generally speaking, woman who are not interested in a guy that is clearly making advances *DO* clearly rebuff them!

So, she needs to stop any text messages and any other communication that is not required to do her job. The one exception is to tell him to stop communicating with her. She needs to tell him to stop. She is not enjoying their communication. She does not enjoy his sense of humor. She wants no further communication with him other than what is required for her job. And, yes, it would be good for her to talk to management.

Many people who work together don't communicate with each other outside of work. That's probably more common than not. It won't create awkwardness, it's normal. What creates the awkwardness is the mixed signals. I sense there's a hesitation on her part to stop communicating with him. I suspect that they've been flirting (probably just lightheartedly on her side) and that's why she doesn't want to make it an issue with management, who would've seen all of that.

I do think it's great that you went to work and were completely polite.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr Awe]

I agree that she needs to confront the guy. However, if there's one thing she is not good at, it's confrontations. She only replies to his texts maybe half the time (and he gets all bent out of shape if she ignores him). I asked why she ever replies at all, and she said she at least wants to keep things somewhat friendly..again, to avoid confrontation and uncomfortableness. I've just requested that she keep the text message replies to a minimum, and if he gets upset then that's his problem. Acting like everything is cool with him is only going to encourage him.

Here's the thing, it doesn't require a huge confrontation. She just needs to tell him that she's not interested and that she won't be communicating with him outside of work, and only minimully at work. That's all she needs tell him. She then just ceases communication, text replies etc.

I do think she's playing you a bit with the not wanting awkwardness, no confrontation, shy thing. Don't you think she'd feel awkward around the guy if she didn't want his advances? Don't you think things are already awkward? Don't you think things will only get more awkward if they continue? And, if things were so awkward, why go to his house? Certainly being alone with him in his place should've been super awkward?

I'm guessing the real situation is something like where she and this guy flirted a bit on the job, which she liked. But, then the guy got more interested than she expected and now the awkwardness is in cutting off something that she helped create. Not saying anything more than flirting occured, but she probably feels a bit responsible for building it up. And, she probably considered the guy as a friend. But, if he can't respect your relationship, she needs to cut him off.

Mr Awe

 

[doubleohfive]

I think the element that is getting lost in the shuffle here is what Flux's Girlfriend wants.

She may be enjoying the attention, she may not. I don't know. I don't know either of you... so I'll amend my earlier statement and simply say that if this is such a big deal for you Flux, you should sit down with your girlfriend and find out what she really wants out of this whole situation. If it's something that just happened and you guys can laugh it off, swell. If it's something that she feels will be troublesome in the future, then you should suggest to her (SUGGEST, not tell) that she report the guy.

Beyond that, it's really not any of your business to be getting involved.

 

[Stiletto]

Sorry,I didn't take the time to read the whole thread, but I wanted to put my two cents in too.

To avoid looking like a wimp, tell your girlfriend that you think she handled the situation correctly and that you don't feel like you have the need to step in and take control of an already finished situation. If she feels that she needs you to step in at any point in the future if this continues, you will be there for her. But for now, you are willing to give advice if she needs it.

 

[JustKate]

I don't see how I'm making it about me...

OK, I'll tell you how. It was right in your OP:
"So now I have the dilemma as the boyfriend of what to do. Part of me wants to simply end this guy. While I don't see my girlfriend as property, you simply do not make a move on another guy's girl. And when you do, you should face some sort of consequences. I just don't know what to do, but feel I should do something. If I do nothing, he'll assume she didn't tell me, or that I'm too weak to confront him. If I do confront him and end up kicking his ass, we've got legal and criminal issues to deal with. There's got to be something in between, and I'm not in a state of mind to figure it out. I'm pissed at this guy, and a little mad at her for putting herself in that situation...but mostly just pissed at him."

How is that not about you?

I don't mean to criticize you exactly - your feelings are really natural, and speaking as a woman who rather likes protective males (at least in judicious doses), they're not wholly unattractive feelings either. But it's important that you recognize them for what they are. No doubt you also have feelings of concern for her, for how this will affect her, for how this made her feel...but your first feelings, at least the first feelings you posted here - and forgive me for making assumptions, but I really do believe they were your very first feelings - were about you. Recognize that, accept it, and try to adjust your behavior and even your thoughts accordingly.

Because this guy didn't do anything to you. I know you feel a personal sense of injury here, but it really and truly is not justified. He did whatever he did to her. And you really, really, really need to realize that.

...and I never said I would be the one reporting him. I know she would need to be the one to do it, I would simply suggest that she do so. I agree she needs to get over her fear of confrontation if it does become necessary for her manager to become informed. I've stayed out of it thus far, for example not saying anything to him or being a jerk when I met him at the store. If he does continue to pursue her, though, it is going to be hard for me to stay out of it but I'll try.

Ah, good. It sounded like you were taking ownership of this issue, including ownership with your GF's employer, but if you're not, so much the better. But you really do need to let your head and your good sense and your respect for your GF overrule your hormones here. Really. Good luck. And good luck to her, too.

 

[Kestra]

I will suggest that she tell her manager, although she may be too afraid to. I'm wondering if telling the manager myself would be appropriate, or if it should come from her.

I don't see how I'm making it about me...and I never said I would be the one reporting him. I know she would need to be the one to do it, I would simply suggest that she do so. I agree she needs to get over her fear of confrontation if it does become necessary for her manager to become informed.

Mixed messages!

 

[Tiberius Jim]

I said I was wondering if I should tell the manager myself, not that I was going to for sure. You guys convinced me that I should in fact leave it up to her.

 

[Kestra]

Sure, I just think that's where the confusion came from.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Gotcha.

He still hasn't had any non-work related communication with her yet. He called once the other day, but it was because he's still new, and didn't know how to do something at work. I don't know if it was legitimate or if that's just his way of getting to talk to her, but it was work-related and can't really be considered harassment...but I'm still not quite sure if this is over.

 

[Guartho]

I said I was wondering if I should tell the manager myself, not that I was going to for sure. You guys convinced me that I should in fact leave it up to her.

Indeed. Never never never never never ever do anything on behalf of your other when it comes to your other's workplace.

 

[OrionSlaveGirl]

This situation sounds a bit fishy to me. First of all, a girl doesn't spend time with any guy that "weirds her out". Second, no girl in their right mind would go over to a guys house, alone no less, into his room and close her eyes and not have some idea of what was really going through his mind/going to happen. You can be sure that the guy has given her some indication before this happened that he was "into her" and going over to his house was a sure fire way to acknowledge this and lead him to believe that it was ok. You really can't blame the guy for trying... I understand the whole bro code thing, but for all he knew maybe he thought she wasn't truly happy in her relationship, or something like that and he saw his chance.

So, let's say she made a huge error in judgement and now doesn't want anything to do with this guy beyond what is necessary for work. Is her phone a work phone? If not tell her to change the number. If she is truly not interested in a friendship with this guy she should absolutley not feel she has to respond to non-work related texts, calls, etc. If he is using a company phone to sent personal messages, especially ones that that make a coworker uncomfortable, then he is not a model employee and these texts should be brought to the attention of management.

Good luck!

 

[jkladis]

When does this thread end and the "My girlfriend left me" thread begin? This is like being back in high school.

 

[broberfett]

Dump her. You can't trust her. She knew what she was doing when she went over to the guy's place. You'll find another lady soon enough.

 

[All Seeing Eye]

I hate to be the barer of bad news but IMHO she likes the attention from this other guy and likes him. She's likely not sure what she wants or what she wants to do so isn't telling him to take a long walk off a short pier. She's going to test the waters with this other guy to see if he's more her type than you are.

She's not going to up and leave you and get with this guy if there's a chance she makes a mistake in doing so. It's also likely that the constant attention he's giving her will slowly but surely make her like him more and want him more. The attention is fresh and she's getting that nice feeling that you get at the start of a relationship, she'll be feeling that BUZZ.

If you don't nip this whole ordeal in the bud pretty damn soon you're going to be looking at your girlfriend having an affair and then quite possibly leaving you. It will all only lead to heartache.

Don't be soft and sit back allowing all this to take place. If she isn't willing to change phones and tell this guy to get lost and stop talking with him or hanging with him then I'd suggest IMHO you leave her and find someone else because in the long run it will save you a lot of pain.

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

Oh and one last thing, if she starts to defend him when you tell her to stay away from him or tell her to change her phone then you know she's into him and that's a sign to tell her to take a hike.

 

[Rowan Sjet]

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

JMO.