Another guy kissed my girlfriend.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Violence is perfectly reasonable in this situation if you make it clear to him that if he doesn't back the fuck off, that the violence is coming. It's the 'fair warning' clause of the man code.

Ah... no. Even if you believe in all this "man code" crap, it still doesn't work.

The only reason why anyone in this situation would seriously think about beating the guy up was that if they thought that guy was a threat to them. Meaning: If Guy B kissed Guy A's GF, Guy A would only think of beating that guy up if he thought B might successfully lure her away from him. Thoughts of violence are a sign of insecurity - that the other guy just might be a better man. That's the only reason that anyone would want to beat the guy up. It shows there's a lack of trust in the girl.

Turning away from violence - *not* wanting to beat the guy up - is the only sign of security. It shows that the guy is NOT a threat, that Guy A trusts his girlfriend enough that she'll know that B is just a jerk, and that she won't abandon A for B. Threatening to beat B up is a sign that A isn't confident in himself or the girl and that he doesn't trust her.

 

[Professor Zoom]

I think some people are overreacting here. As has been said, the guy didn't do anything worthy of getting his ass kicked...not yet anyway. He didn't try to rape her or force himself on her in anyway. What he did was a dick move, but that's it. The only way it would come to violence as far as I'm concerned is if he decides to throw a punch.I've been raised and through my karate training I was taught to never throw the first punch. Now if he had tried to get forcefully physical with her, that may be a different story, but most likely the authorities would be involved. The fact is that he made his move, and now what happens next depends on whether or not he calls of his little pursuit. He's met me, he knows what kind of relationship she and I have and she's made her lack of interest in him clear. If he backs off and decides to be fine with being her friend, cool. I still wouldn't want her hanging out with him again, but still that would be the preferred situation.

However, if he decides to keep going with his chase, he and I will have to have some words. But only words...unless he decides it needs to get physical.

Your girlfriend needs to grow up and get over her fear of uncomfortable situations. She's actually sacrificing her OWN comfort by continuing to answer his texts and NOT telling him to stop.

She SHOULD do it. Period. A little bit of "uncomfortableness" now will save a LOT of grief. It will end this if she states in no uncertain terms that there will be NO communication.

Being a grown up means you have to do things you don't like from time to time. It's a part of of life.

She shouldn't apologize, she shouldn't compromise. She needs to state it clearly.

In fact, that WILL be one of the things--if it ever got to this point--the cops would ask...did you tell him to stop?

 

[Tiberius Jim]

She has already made it clear that she is not interested in him. The night he made his move, he asked her "Just tell me are you attracted to me or interested in me in any way." And she flat out said no. What more does he need? The only reason she corresponds with him through texts is because he's the one who initiates the convo and she replies out of interest in keeping things civil. She has ignored him at times though, so don't think she's at his beck and call when he messages her. We were in bed watching a movie one night when he messaged and she just ignored him. He asked the next day at work why she didn't reply, and she told him why. The guy thinks he's more important than he is, and I don't think she's given him any signs to that effect. She made it clear that she's not into him and is with me. Period. He shouldn't need any more of a "signal".

And as for my initial wish to beat the guy up, that was merely an emotional reaction upon hearing about it...after time has passed I do see that violence would make things worse as well as be a sign of insecurity. I know this guy has nothing on me and doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell with her. Now he needs to realize that.

 

[Professor Zoom]

She has already made it clear that she is not interested in him. The night he made his move, he asked her "Just tell me are you attracted to me or interested in me in any way." And she flat out said no. What more does he need? The only reason she corresponds with him through texts is because he's the one who initiates the convo and she replies out of interest in keeping things civil. She has ignored him at times though, so don't think she's at his beck and call when he messages her. We were in bed watching a movie one night when he messaged and she just ignored him. He asked the next day at work why she didn't reply, and she told him why. The guy thinks he's more important than he is, and I don't think she's given him any signs to that effect. She made it clear that she's not into him and is with me. Period. He shouldn't need any more of a "signal".

I don't think she's at his beck and call. I DO think she's continuing a relationship with him because, as you say, she doesn't want to make things "uncomfortable."

By continuing to communicate, she might be giving him mixed signals. Yes, she has said to him that she isn't interested in him, but then also continues to talk to him...even though she doesn't like him, and only does so to keep things "civil."

It seems silly. If she's TRULY creeped out by him then she should stop it.

And if she's NOT actually creeped out...well...she's got herself a new best friend.

 

[Legolas]

Sounds to me like all 3 people in this situation are children. Who the hell plays games like this? Texting in place of the girlfriend to the guy that wants to bang the girlfriend?? Meeting him at the job, but then pretending everything is fine and having a conversation with him?? Going to a guys house, then bedroom, then closing ones eyes?? Continuing having non-work related/side conversations with a guy that has made his interest clear? If your girl feels that this is harassment then action would have been taken already.

What he's doing is called persuing. She hasnt told him to stop texting her, or stop talking to her in a unprofessional manner. She hasnt even told this guy that they arent friends?!?!

When you try to be friends with the person that is harrasing you, then it stops becoming Harrasment, doesnt it??

This entire situation is stupid and easily solvable, but no one is doing anthing to solve it.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

The thing is that she doesn't really feel harassed. Not yet, anyway. He made his move, she told him how she feels, and he's tried a few times to make conversation over texts and at work. I don't think it's gotten quite to the level of harassment.

That's what I've been saying we are waiting to see...what his next move is. If he does begin to seriously make her feel uncomfortable I will be the first to tell her to report his ass. So far though nothing else he's done has been really over the line besides his intial attempt.

 

[Ward Fowler]

Fourteen pages? 206 posts? Really??

 

[Crusher Disciple]

How did he get her phone number in the first place?

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Each store has an employee contact list.

Oh, and Ward Fowler, its only 14 pages using default board settings, but yes, we're all impressed that you can read and recognize numbers. Have anything meaningful to add?

 

[Crusher Disciple]

^Man, that sucks. Wherever I've worked only the supervisor has home phone # and addresses in order to ward off unwanted attention. Course, I usually work in places where people are neurotic about privacy.

 

[Ward Fowler]

Oh, and Ward Fowler, its only 14 pages using default board settings, but yes, we're all impressed that you can read and recognize numbers. Have anything meaningful to add?

Yes. You're young.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Again, you mathematical prowess continues to impress. I was completely unaware of my relatively low age. And again, what's your point?

^Man, that sucks. Wherever I've worked only the supervisor has home phone # and addresses in order to ward off unwanted attention. Course, I usually work in places where people are neurotic about privacy.

Agreed. When I was Manager in Training at one of those stores I was constantly getting calls for help on my day off from people I didn't know had my cell number.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

I don't get it. If she doesn't feel harrassed, why make this thread? I thought the whole point of it was 'well, this dude kissed my chick so what do I do now?' but the answer was 'nothing' because she is obviously not offended enough by it that she continues to keep in contact with him....to stay civil? With a guy she finds to be weird? Who kissed her?


I don't get it. If she chooses to keep in contact with a dude who made her feel uncomfortable, that's just stupid. If some guy made me feel uncomfortable, he'd be seeing my middle finger being shoved in his face, if anything. Like hell I'd still talk to a guy who made me feel uncomfortable....not that what this guy did was extremely serious, anyways. He let him self go for a second, he caused no harm. She isn't really respecting your relationship (imo) by staying in contact with a dude who kissed her, knowing she was taken, and knowing that you are obviously not too thrilled about this guy being around her.


I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't get this. It seemed like this was a huge fuss yet she decides to stay in contact with him?

 

[Tiberius Jim]

She really has no choice but to stay in contact with him. She works with him. If he wasn't her coworker I would have a much bigger problem with her talking to him, because there would be absolutely no reason to. The only reason she has any contact with him is when he text messages her, and she replies to keep things civil at work.

If he had just been a friend who decided he wanted to be more, and she wouldn't have to see him again if she didn't want to, you're right, this wouldn't be a problem at all.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

She really has no choice but to stay in contact with him. She works with him. If he wasn't her coworker I would have a much bigger problem with her talking to him, because there would be absolutely no reason to. The only reason she has any contact with him is when he text messages her, and she replies to keep things civil at work.

If he had just been a friend who decided he wanted to be more, and she wouldn't have to see him again if she didn't want to, you're right, this wouldn't be a problem at all.

So what if they are co-workers? I've ignored my co-workers before. If I don't like someone or have a falling out with them, I only speak to them work related and I let them know that if it isn't work related and we don't need to speak, they are not to speak to me.

Just a suggestion Being co-workers doesn't mean they HAVE to talk, unless it's in relation to work.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

Her store has a total of 4 employees, including herself and the guy. It's pretty impossible to ignore someone in that sort of setting. On top of that, like I said before, she's trying to keep things civil.

This may all be a moot point though, as the guy hasn't tried to text her in the last 2 days. There may not be a problem anymore...it's still just a wait-and-see sort of deal.

 

[doubleohfive]

I don't get it. If she doesn't feel harrassed, why make this thread? I thought the whole point of it was 'well, this dude kissed my chick so what do I do now?' but the answer was 'nothing' because she is obviously not offended enough by it that she continues to keep in contact with him....to stay civil? With a guy she finds to be weird? Who kissed her?


I don't get it. If she chooses to keep in contact with a dude who made her feel uncomfortable, that's just stupid. If some guy made me feel uncomfortable, he'd be seeing my middle finger being shoved in his face, if anything. Like hell I'd still talk to a guy who made me feel uncomfortable....not that what this guy did was extremely serious, anyways. He let him self go for a second, he caused no harm. She isn't really respecting your relationship (imo) by staying in contact with a dude who kissed her, knowing she was taken, and knowing that you are obviously not too thrilled about this guy being around her.


I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't get this. It seemed like this was a huge fuss yet she decides to stay in contact with him?

I too am confused. I'm trying to see it from your (Flux and Flux's girlfriend's) perspective, but I just don't see the logic, especially considering this reply:

The thing is that she doesn't really feel harassed. Not yet, anyway. He made his move, she told him how she feels, and he's tried a few times to make conversation over texts and at work. I don't think it's gotten quite to the level of harassment.

That's what I've been saying we are waiting to see...what his next move is. If he does begin to seriously make her feel uncomfortable I will be the first to tell her to report his ass. So far though nothing else he's done has been really over the line besides his intial attempt.

Why wait? Report it now so that it's on record and he knows it's on record, thereby preventing any future harassment, or at the very least pile some evidence against him if he's stupid enough to do something again.

I hate to say it Flux, but really ... this line of thinking you're taking is flat-out stupid. Frankly, the more I read the more it sounds like your girlfriend wants the attention.

Now, I'm not saying she's enjoying the scenario or that she's got some kind of ulterior, nefarious motives here, just that here she is, being longed for by one possible suitor while her actual boyfriend is all in a huff and ready --at a moment's notice-- to swoop in and be Tarzan of the Jungle if need be.

Pointless.

Shut it down now. Report the douche and move on. It's that simple.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

Her store has a total of 4 employees, including herself and the guy. It's pretty impossible to ignore someone in that sort of setting. On top of that, like I said before, she's trying to keep things civil.

This may all be a moot point though, as the guy hasn't tried to text her in the last 2 days. There may not be a problem anymore...it's still just a wait-and-see sort of deal.

Don't take this the wrong way but it just seems like you are finding any excuse to 'okay' the fact that she keeps contact.

They do NOT have to speak outside of work. Work life and personal life are two very different things. Trust me, I worked with my husband and we kept our personal life away from work and spoke to each other like nothing more than co-workers when in the workplace. You have to know to seperate the two lives. She does not have to be friends with him outside of work just so they get along during work. If they are both mature adults, they will work together without letting their outside life get into it. Work is work. I have had to work with a number of people who knew I didn't like them but I swallowed my pride and worked side by side in a mature way because personal feelings should not get in the way of a job. Things at work need to be done. Even if you want so badly to beat the crap out of an annoying co-worker, an adult chooses the mature path.

If it got to the point where this guy was being a dick towards her at work just because of what happens outside of work, she can always complain to her boss. Otherwise, it DOES seem as if she wants the attention. I don't fully know your personal relationship but, as a woman, we DO love when a guy chases us, even if we are taken. Whenever some guy hits on me, hell yeah, I wont go for it but it makes a lady feel good because we LOVE attention.

Thing is, there is a difference between having some guy hit on you and you feel good about it but you go no further and having some dude kiss you and you keep speaking to the guy and making him think there is a chance. Not saying she is telling him HEY, I WANT SOME OF YOU but staying in contact with a guy gives him the thought that he is getting somewhere. Cut him off and he gets the message.

 

[doubleohfive]

^ what she said.

 

[Tiberius Jim]

I see what you're saying, and I do see that me second him messages through her phone was probably rather silly. I guess I just thought it was funny that this guy thought he was talking to her (and probably thought it was under my radar) yet he was actually talking to me. I do agree that she shouldn't have any contact with him outside of work. I don't think she's enjoying his messaging her, though. That's why she would hand me the phone; she didn't want to deal with it. However, I should have taken the phone and instead of replying, I should have simply put the phone down and gone about our night.

Like I said, though, this all may be a moot point because in the last 3 days they haven't worked together and he hasn't been trying to talk to her. It's looking like maybe he did get the message...but as I keep saying, it's a wait and see thing. If he does keep it up, he will be reported. I'm not sure if I want to have a talk with him first, and let him know that I know, and want him to stop and if he doesn't he'll be reported...or just go ahead and report him. I guess it depends on what he does.