I Want to Get Married

[BolianAuthor]

Someone mentioned the issue of age with the woman, and I thought of bringing that up in my opening post, but I didn't want it to come out the wrong way. But since it was brought up, yeah, I'm attracted to older women, for the very reason that at their age, they have a (usually) clear definition of just what it is they want out of both a relationship and life itself, and tend to not play games. I've always dated older women... my GF when I was 19 was 27, and my GF when I was 24 was 42. I generally feel much more comfortable and at ease around women older than me.

As for my looks versus hers... this is something I don't worry about for two reasons. One is that I learned long ago that I'm no Brad Pitt, but then again, I don't look half bad, either... it's all in how you see yourself... if you hate the way you look, that will come across, and the woman will think and know you have low self-esteem. A lot of people may look better than me, but a lot of people also look worse than me, so it's a fair fight, either way.

The second reason is that both my previous two GF's were women I *REALLY* wanted, meaning that to MY eyes, they were women that I thought would never give me the time of day, but ended up going out with me for more than a year each, so I guess I didn't have as much to fear as I thought, lol. As I said in my opening post, looking back, IDK how I pulled it off, but all I know is that with the first one, she was just too pretty in my eyes to let go without trying, and I think I somehow mustered every ounce of courage I had at the time, and prepared to epically fail, but went over to her and somehow managed to talk to her without being rejected. All I knew was that at that moment, I had my one and only chance to approach her, and I took it... as the Admiral would say, I rolled a hard six.

With the second GF, I had known her as a regular customer for a long time at my first job, and we always tended to flirt and talk a bit, and she tried to only come when I was working there, so finally before I quit the job, I went for broke and not even expecting any reply at all, just threw out there that we should hang out and do a movie or something sometime, and to my shock, she said sure, so we exchanged numbers. And when I called a few days later, after again working up the courage, she said she'd been waiting for me to call.

So I guess I'm just worried that lightning can't strike thrice, lol... as I said, I've been out of the game for a while, so I guess I just need to get over the fear of failing again. And yeah, I will be up-front about the no kids thing.

 

[iguana_tonante]

One more line of advice would be: less talking about dating, and more dating.

Or, saying it with the King:

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvlxRvhCB_A&[/yt]

 

[Jenee]

Someone mentioned the issue of age with the woman, and I thought of bringing that up in my opening post, but I didn't want it to come out the wrong way. But since it was brought up, yeah, I'm attracted to older women, for the very reason that at their age, they have a (usually) clear definition of just what it is they want out of both a relationship and life itself, and tend to not play games. I've always dated older women... my GF when I was 19 was 27, and my GF when I was 24 was 42. I generally feel much more comfortable and at ease around women older than me.

I am extremely interested in hearing more of your reasoning for this.

I am 47 and have recently been asked out by men 10, 13 and one even 21 years younger than me.

While I'm flattered, I cannot imagine why they would want to date someone my age - I don't even want to date someone my age. They're all old and they look old and act old. I don't act old, but I am old and I'm not going to have any more children, so why does a guy 35ish want to date a woman 12 years older than he?

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

Perhaps maybe the guy does not want children, like me? I can't speak for other men in terms of WHY they like older women, but for me, I simply feel more comfortable and able to be "myself" around them... for the reasons I stated... they usually have a clear idea of what they want and where their life is going, and they don't play games. I also think older women look better.

Again, speaking only for myself, I am extremely unsettled and nervous around young women, because I just get this creepy feeling in myself like I'm attracted to someone who still looks and acts pretty much like a kid... it just kinda weirds me out, and I find it quite awkward. And also, the fact that young women are still in that "playing" phase, where they just want to experiment and not really settle down... they don't have a clear idea of what it is they want, or where they're going.

Again, this is just my own opinion, and my own reasoning. Take it for what it's worth. I personally love older women... I'd love to find someone around 45 years old... that'd be perfect for me.

 

[MetalPants]

Someone mentioned the issue of age with the woman, and I thought of bringing that up in my opening post, but I didn't want it to come out the wrong way. But since it was brought up, yeah, I'm attracted to older women, for the very reason that at their age, they have a (usually) clear definition of just what it is they want out of both a relationship and life itself, and tend to not play games. I've always dated older women... my GF when I was 19 was 27, and my GF when I was 24 was 42. I generally feel much more comfortable and at ease around women older than me.

I am extremely interested in hearing more of your reasoning for this.

I am 47 and have recently been asked out by men 10, 13 and one even 21 years younger than me.

While I'm flattered, I cannot imagine why they would want to date someone my age - I don't even want to date someone my age. They're all old and they look old and act old. I don't act old, but I am old and I'm not going to have any more children, so why does a guy 35ish want to date a woman 12 years older than he?

At a certain point age is just a number. I have several lady friends that are significantly older than me that are great fun to be around. I wouldn't mind asking them out for a coffee and a conversation.

 

[Jenee]

I don't doubt that. But ..., I suppose it's the reproduction thing. I'm never going to have kids again, and I'd feel guilty throughout the relationship that this guy is missing out on that. If he knows he doesn't ever want to have kids, that's one thing, but ... sometimes, people change their minds.

 

[SmoothieX]

I was at dinner with a bunch of friends once and every time I went to get up or sit down, one of the guys would pull my chair out for me.

Can I push in your stool for you?

Genuine LOL.

High praise from such a dapper gentleman.

Can't take credit for that one. Imagine the move Animal House populated by a bunch of practicing engineers. That was pretty much my office back in the day.

 

[Holdfast]

Can I push in your stool for you?

Genuine LOL.

High praise from such a dapper gentleman.

Can't take credit for that one. Imagine the move Animal House populated by a bunch of practicing engineers. That was pretty much my office back in the day.

Oh yeah, it's an old gag, for sure. The version I first heard it in was a joke about two dudes in a gay bar. But what cracked me up was the context of using it here, in response to Kestra, of all people. Wonderful left-field WTFLOL.

 

[melancholymecha]

Another is older than me, and literally has the mind of a child, and lives with his grandma... he has absolutely NO initiative to get a job, get an apartment, or pursue anything outside of action figures and Legos... and this is a 37 year-old man. No, I refuse to accept such a future for my life.

could he have aspergers?

well, change grandma to mom & thats me... except I understand that I really need to get a job(not want mind you, but need) but my depression & social anxiety(& right now my dry eye syndrome) has kept me from getting one. As for "mind of a child" um well Im 37 but I feel like more of early-mid 20s mentally & it depnds on the subject. Im mature in many other aspects. But Im also very naive & rather unknowledgable about alot of life experiences.

as for your original topic I like the idea of befriending someone platonically first long before you see them as a romantic partner. Thats how I would like to be approached anyway.

 

[BolianAuthor]

I don't doubt that. But ..., I suppose it's the reproduction thing. I'm never going to have kids again, and I'd feel guilty throughout the relationship that this guy is missing out on that. If he knows he doesn't ever want to have kids, that's one thing, but ... sometimes, people change their minds.

Some people do, but that's either because they realize that now they can afford to raise a child, or because they start to panic that they might soon be too old to have any, and want to do it before it's too late.

Not me... I just don't want them, lol. All I need is the woman and wife to "complete" me... I don't need children to feel complete. I tell my parents, if they want a continuation to the family line, they better start asking my cousin, because I won't be the one to make that happen.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Another is older than me, and literally has the mind of a child, and lives with his grandma... he has absolutely NO initiative to get a job, get an apartment, or pursue anything outside of action figures and Legos... and this is a 37 year-old man. No, I refuse to accept such a future for my life.

could he have aspergers?

well, change grandma to mom & thats me... except I understand that I really need to get a job(not want mind you, but need) but my depression & social anxiety(& right now my dry eye syndrome) has kept me from getting one. As for "mind of a child" um well Im 37 but I feel like more of early-mid 20s mentally & it depnds on the subject. Im mature in many other aspects. But Im also very naive & rather unknowledgable about alot of life experiences.

as for your original topic I like the idea of befriending someone platonically first long before you see them as a romantic partner. Thats how I would like to be approached anyway.

Actually, the OTHER friend has aspergers... but this child-like guy doesn't... he simply is just lazy, and has no initiative or drive whatsoever.

 

[SmoothieX]

Genuine LOL.

High praise from such a dapper gentleman.

Can't take credit for that one. Imagine the move Animal House populated by a bunch of practicing engineers. That was pretty much my office back in the day.

Oh yeah, it's an old gag, for sure. The version I first heard it in was a joke about two dudes in a gay bar. But what cracked me up was the context of using it here, in response to Kestra, of all people. Wonderful left-field WTFLOL.

I'm an admin on an engineering prep forum with a goofy side. You haven't experienced wonderful left-field WTFLOL until you've read it in the original Klingon...er, engineering message board.

And I haven't interacted with Kestra much, but she seems like a sweetie, I just couldn't help myself.

 

[The Castellan]

Marriage, not a good idea.

 

[BolianAuthor]

I think it is.

 

[The Castellan]

I think it is.

Not being able to look at anyone for the rest of one's life, and if it goes bad, one looses half their stuff.

Hell, most people I see getting married end up like George Costanza's parents.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Well, we learn by doing, so I guess I have to do to learn.

 

[AliciaD496]

*sighs* I have a similar wish, to get married. Problem is I don't have ANY experience ever being in a relationship. While I like the idea of someone to come home to, someone to talk with about problems that I can't discuss with other people (family issues, work issues, etc), to share experiences with like TV, Movies, weekend trips, I also think it might be a little stifling to have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be home, stuff like that all the time. Odd, no? I think after years of living alone and being single I've had to develop an independent streak. It doesn't come naturally to me at least to think "OK, I'm going out, maybe so and so would want to go too" or "I'm stopping by the grocery, I wonder if we need anything at home."

I'm so used to just taking care of just myself I think it would be an adjustment to be a part of a pair. For the right person though I think I'd be willing to open up. Problem is how to find this person. I've never, ever had a guy approach me and the couple of times in middle school when I did go on a semi-date-ish kinda thing I asked the guy. I'm not particularly attractive I suppose, but I'd like to think I'm not totally ugly either. I wouldn't know what to do if a guy approached me and I'm too shy these days to approach a guy (especially guys my age who might already have a girlfriend, fiance or wife). They'd probably laugh at me right in the face for having the audacity to approach them. I've tried online matching sites and have had a few nibbles, but it falls apart in the step between online communications and the real life meet up. So what do I do?

Being a woman with few friends it would be intimidating to go to a bar alone. I'm not sure what activities I'd really like to be in, but I do know if it wasn't so expensive I wouldn't mind trying Kayaking or Tennis (plus they'd be a lot better as a pairs activity). I like reading too, but the idea of a book club seems a little stodgy for a single in her 20s. I like cooking (have to living on my own), but again that might be an expensive activity to pick up as well. It'd be fun to discuss TV and movies with people, but that's not generally something you meet up as a group to do, is it? My goal is to maybe have a boyfriend by the time I'm 30, which is about two years away, but I don't know that I'm even gonna meet that goal at this point.

 

[Captain_Nick]

Well, to attain the goal, you have to take steps to head towards it.

I would look closer at the online dating. Why is it breaking down where it is?

 

[Kestra]

I think it is.

Not being able to look at anyone for the rest of one's life, and if it goes bad, one looses half their stuff.

Hell, most people I see getting married end up like George Costanza's parents.

Well, we learn by doing, so I guess I have to do to learn.

Like any relationship, marriage is really dependent on how well you communicate and how well your goals line up. Some people care if their spouse so much as looks in the direction of another person, while other couples have open marriages. It is true that there's a great deal to lose if the marriage doesn't work out. There's that risk in any committed relationship but a marriage might bring some more legal issues to the table.

I understand your desire to get married although I never really felt that way myself. I'd suggest that while you pursue relationships, think about what it is you really want from marriage. You can be in a committed relationship and wake up next to the same person every day of your life whether you are married or not.

I'm not saying any of this because I think marriage is wrong or bad, but because it seems like many people don't really think about why they want to get married. It's simply something they believe everyone does, so they do it. And this can have disastrous consequences. Maybe just take some time to think about what marriage means to you and what benefits and disadvantages it may offer compared to any other loving, committed relationship. I do hope you find what you are looking for.

*sighs* I have a similar wish, to get married. Problem is I don't have ANY experience ever being in a relationship. While I like the idea of someone to come home to, someone to talk with about problems that I can't discuss with other people (family issues, work issues, etc), to share experiences with like TV, Movies, weekend trips, I also think it might be a little stifling to have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be home, stuff like that all the time. Odd, no? I think after years of living alone and being single I've had to develop an independent streak. It doesn't come naturally to me at least to think "OK, I'm going out, maybe so and so would want to go too" or "I'm stopping by the grocery, I wonder if we need anything at home."

I don't find that odd at all and I think it's great that you're aware of all of this. Living with someone and having that close relationship with someone doesn't come naturally to everyone. It can be a big step to go from being accountable to yourself, to being accountable to another person. I'm not saying they get to tell you what to do but it's a strange feeling when you realize that many of your actions have a direct impact on someone other than yourself.

Since you're aware of your own tendencies, I think you'll be able to work at compromising and altering some of your behavior as needed. But keep in mind that many people are very independent, even within relationships. You may find someone who is just as independent and fits in well with your lifestyle. Being considerate and respectful in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to sign away freedom, you know?

I think you can find a relationship where you mutually respect each other, and you'll be fine.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Well I think we can pretty much agree at this point that bars are not the best place to find marriage material.

Personally, I really don't like hearing/reading people who are married say that they don't understand the desire to get married, or never felt that way themselves... it sounds like something that people like me would kill for is something you never really wanted, and take for granted, or seem cavalier about. It makes it sound unfair, like someone who doesn't really want something has it, when someone who really does want it goes without. But that's just how I see it.

But aside from that, I know you can live together and what-not without making it official, but I want that ring on my finger to show the world that yes, someone does love me, and I am taken. As for the "why"... again, with me, I know why... because I want to be with the same person forever, and make that official. Simple as that. I care not if she's poor, rich, whatever... I'm not looking for money, or other form of dowry.

The problem I have now is that I am FAR more confident as a man than I was when I had my previous two relationships, but the downside is that as I've pointed out, I've just been out of the game for a while. I think the best thing for me would be as others have pointed out, to be in a situation where I feel comfortable, and not like I'd be "out of place" striking up a conversation with a woman.

I'll relate a little story, that will hopefully illustrate what I mean, in a way...

Last summer, I had a temporary job as a Census worker. In the training class for the job, there was an instance where someone asked the instructor what happens if a man and woman have been living together at the same residence, but the woman still wants her "other" address listed as her primary residence, or something to that effect. Anyway, while the teacher was answering, I said JUST loud enough to hear "That means she's not serious about the relationship", which made the two 40-something women (who were attractive, to me) who were sitting right beside me start giggling, and look to me, smiling. And I would have approached either of those women, if they had not had on wedding rings, lol. But that was a situation that could have ended up working well, because I saw an opportunity to use humor to break the ice, and it did work... I just couldn't take it further.