I Want to Get Married

[Kestra]

I don't think she was saying she hated the thought of a guy wanting a chance with her. It's more that there's a difference between a guy in a club trying on stupid lines to get you in bed, and meeting a guy who is interested in actually getting to know you.

Not that I would really know, as I've never dated and know little about dating, flirting, and other such rituals.

Edit:

If you want to have sex, don't get married.

That ring on your finger doesn't just choke your circulation.

Oh stop it. Married people have sex too. You just can't take each other for granted.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

It's already been said, but you have things bass ackwards. Go out on some dates, have some fun and get to know people, perhaps develop a more serious relationship with one or more of them (preferably not at the same time ), and then, if you feel the time and the person is right, consider marriage if that's what you want.

Looking at it from the perspective of wanting to get married first as a driving factor behind the relationship will likely cause you to either repel the other person because you're being way too aggressive, or will cause you to settle for someone who might not been the right fit for you to have a long committed relationship with. That can lead to all kinds of trouble down the road.

Wanting to get married as some vague future goal is perfectly fine, seeking people out with that specifically being the goal before you even know them is potentially problematic.

 

[Candlelight]

I don't think she was saying she hated the thought of a guy wanting a chance with her. It's more that there's a difference between a guy in a club trying on stupid lines to get you in bed, and meeting a guy who is interested in actually getting to know you.

Not that I would really know, as I've never dated and know little about dating, flirting, and other such rituals.

Edit:

If you want to have sex, don't get married.

That ring on your finger doesn't just choke your circulation.

Oh stop it. Married people have sex too. You just can't take each other for granted.

I'm married. Trust me, it drops away once you say 'I do'.

 

[Kestra]

I'm married too!

 

[Locutus of Bored]

I don't think she was saying she hated the thought of a guy wanting a chance with her. It's more that there's a difference between a guy in a club trying on stupid lines to get you in bed, and meeting a guy who is interested in actually getting to know you.

Not that I would really know, as I've never dated and know little about dating, flirting, and other such rituals.

Edit:

If you want to have sex, don't get married.

That ring on your finger doesn't just choke your circulation.

Oh stop it. Married people have sex too. You just can't take each other for granted.

I'm married. Trust me, it drops away once you say 'I do'.

Every study I've ever read suggests married people have significantly more sex than single people, which of course makes perfect sense when you think about it. There is however often a gap where one partner wants to have more sex than the other.

“Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age.” — Marriage and Sex, Discovery Health.

As for the myth about parenting killing bedroom romps, only 1 and 5 married couples are in sexless marriages, defined as having sex 10 times or less a year, according to Michele Weiner-Davis, author of “The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido.”

But, 1 in 3 married couples have a “desire gap,” where one partner wants more sex and the other basically says, “What’s the big deal?” Weiner-Davis says.

http://blog.seattlepi.com/family/2008/04/11/married-couples-have-more-sex-well-most-do/

 

[Jenee]

I was never, ever attracted to a man who I felt was "coming on" to me. Every time a guy used a "line" on me, it pissed me the hell off. I wanted someone to like ME, the person. But I never felt that way.

Okay... this right here... this is very interesting, and I'm glad you brought this up, because I kind of wanted to comment on this issue...

You see... I prefer the woman to always make the first move, and initiate conversation, precisely because of the fact that if SHE comes to ME, then I know for sure I am "welcome" to her time and attention, and would not be imposing myself on her in an unwelcome way.

On the other side of what you said though... yes, I totally agree, the man should want to get to know YOU, the person. But... we can't even get to that point if our initial act of approaching you is so unwelcome that it pisses you off. I mean, from my own perspective as a man, which is all I can offer, we approached you, yes, because we liked either how you look, or something about you, but in doing so, we are hoping to get to that next level where you will allow us to get to know you as a person on those additional levels.

See, this is why I'm so afraid now... because I can see and fully understand how a woman might be pissed off by a "Larry from Three's Company" type of guy, who just throws out innuendo-laced one-liners at the bar, but if you get so pissed off as a woman by the mere act of my approaching you on my own, then in my view, you've already made up your mind that anything I say will be a wasted effort, so I'm shot down before even leaving the runway.

It's because of that very attitude that I'm kind of afraid of approaching women now, because I know that other women feel the same as you, because I've asked them. So that's why I kind of prefer that a woman makes the first move... because then I'll know at least she wants me to talk.

Because all women are different - as well as men, you shouldn't not talk to a woman because another one was angry you gave her a line.

And, although I can't speak for auntiehill, I think the reason most women get upset with "opening lines" is because men use them as a "one size fits all". If you see a woman you'd like to meet in the bookstore, don't ask her "what's your sign", ask her about the book she's looking at - or the the section she's in. "What type of landscaping are you looking to do?" "What's your favorite sci-fi story?"

You don't even have to ask a question - although, that is the best way to get a response (not an absolute, but still a good bet), but just make a statement "I've read through enough self-help books ..."

The point is, 'come on lines' sound sleezy and 70ish cliche. Make a statement about the woman in front of you, not some arbitrary line that has nothing to do with the woman, the setting or you for that matter.

 

[Captain_Nick]

I agree with Nick

All that education is finally starting to pay dividends. Well done. Keep working at it and I am sure this will happen more often.

 

[Shatnertage]

I'm married. Trust me, it drops away once you say 'I do'.

I believe there are a few prescription medications that can help with that.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

My hobbies, again, aside from writing and messing with Adobe Illustrator, are taking evening walks and also just taking nice little drives and road trips. I just love going out to eat and to movies and such, and like I said, I'd like to start doing that with a woman, and not just my guy friends.

Okay, so join some kind of walking or hiking club. Check out meetup.com -- they have groups of people who are interested in just about everything, everywhere. If you're serious about your writing, join a writers group -- it may improve your writing AND your social life. I see on your profile that you like Irish folk music; maybe there's some Irish dancing that you could take part in in your area.

Translation: you don't really exercise. Start. Tora Ziyal is quoted for total truth here.

Thank you, Gaith. I was actually thinking more about the interaction than the exercise, but you're right -- exercise is always good -- for health, for appearance, and for meeting people.

 

[Candlelight]

I'm married. Trust me, it drops away once you say 'I do'.

I believe there are a few prescription medications that can help with that.

It's not me!

Could be the fact we recently had twins.

There's not much energy left once we get spare time.

Or spare time.

 

[Maestro]

I want to be single again.

 

[BolianAuthor]

I'm married. Trust me, it drops away once you say 'I do'.

I believe there are a few prescription medications that can help with that.

It's not me!

Could be the fact we recently had twins.

There's not much energy left once we get spare time.

Or spare time.

This is a big part of the reason I would never want children... I think of how much time and energy is spent on them, that would otherwise go to spending time with my wife.

 

[BolianAuthor]

Well, I just checked, and there's an Irish fair & music festival in Los Angeles in March, so I'm going to go, and see if I can meet some fair lass to strike up a conversation with. In the meantime, I'll have to think of other things to try here... I don't see any dedicated BSG groups in SoCal, or groups devoted to Celtic folk.

 

[iguana_tonante]

See, this is why I'm so afraid now... because I can see and fully understand how a woman might be pissed off by a "Larry from Three's Company" type of guy, who just throws out innuendo-laced one-liners at the bar, but if you get so pissed off as a woman by the mere act of my approaching you on my own, then in my view, you've already made up your mind that anything I say will be a wasted effort, so I'm shot down before even leaving the runway.

If you are worried about throwing out lame pick-up lines, then don't do it. Just go there and say hello. Women are people, you know. Treat them as such. Some will be glad to talk to you, and some won't: that's life. Do not dwell too much over it, and just have fun.

 

[auntiehill]

Yes. No lame pick up lines, period. I made small talk with hubby, he made small talk with me, we asked each other questions. We got to know it each other; it was nice.

Compare this to a guy I worked with back in Austin. We worked with our desks next to each; there were dozens of us crammed into a small room. We would all chat,as a group, and have a good time on our lunch break. One day, I'm in the copy room, and he comes in behind me and said "Did I ever tell you how much red heads turn me on?" and blocks my way by putting his arm across the door. At this point, I don't think he even knew my last name.

See, if he had said, "I heard that you really liked movies. I like to going to the movies, too. Want to meet up for a movie on Saturday?" I would have said "Sure!" But no. Instead he went straight to being "creepy office guy," and I never spoke to him again.

Don't be that guy. Lead with starting a conversation. Have fun and be friends first. Don't use a "Hey, baby, come here often?" line. Just be yourself. Like, "Hey, our lunch breaks are at the same time. Wanna go grab a pizza? I heard you went to such and such College. Did you like it? I went to (wherever)." Share information as you ask her about herself. It becomes a conversation. You might even find that you don't like someone that much and just keep it friendly.

If you try to force something, which I have done, it sends the other person running for their lives. I know I scared away more than a few guys by trying too hard. No one finds the stink of desperation attractive. Just be yourself. Confidence, kindness and mutual interests are what attracts people, and makes them want to continue the relationship.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Well, I just checked, and there's an Irish fair & music festival in Los Angeles in March, so I'm going to go, and see if I can meet some fair lass to strike up a conversation with. In the meantime, I'll have to think of other things to try here... I don't see any dedicated BSG groups in SoCal, or groups devoted to Celtic folk.

Good start! Have a good time.

 

[auntiehill]

You see... I prefer the woman to always make the first move, and initiate conversation, precisely because of the fact that if SHE comes to ME, then I know for sure I am "welcome" to her time and attention, and would not be imposing myself on her in an unwelcome way.

On the other side of what you said though... yes, I totally agree, the man should want to get to know YOU, the person. But... we can't even get to that point if our initial act of approaching you is so unwelcome that it pisses you off. I mean, from my own perspective as a man, which is all I can offer, we approached you, yes, because we liked either how you look, or something about you, but in doing so, we are hoping to get to that next level where you will allow us to get to know you as a person on those additional levels.

See, this is why I'm so afraid now... because I can see and fully understand how a woman might be pissed off by a "Larry from Three's Company" type of guy, who just throws out innuendo-laced one-liners at the bar, but if you get so pissed off as a woman by the mere act of my approaching you on my own, then in my view, you've already made up your mind that anything I say will be a wasted effort, so I'm shot down before even leaving the runway.

It's because of that very attitude that I'm kind of afraid of approaching women now, because I know that other women feel the same as you, because I've asked them. So that's why I kind of prefer that a woman makes the first move... because then I'll know at least she wants me to talk.

Nearly everyone, male or female, gay, straight or whatever, would "prefer the woman to always make the first move, and initiate conversation." However, as you so correctly point out, that doesn't often happen, especially for straight guys, unless you're really handsome, rich, and love what you do.

As you so adequately observed, auntiehill's above-described attitude is toxic when it comes to guys meeting women - it makes you afraid to even approach women, and that's messed-up.

Now, in life, there will be people like her, who hate the mere thought of guys wanting a chance with them. But that's tough beans for them, because it is both your right and duty as a guy to be friendly to women you find attractive. This doesn't mean throwing out "innuendo-laced one-liners at the bar", but rather saying hello, looking them in the eye, smiling, and trying to get a conversation going, whether at a hiking group meet, a writer's group session, or yes, sometimes in a bar. And those that react negatively to such inoffensive good-naturedness aren't the sort of women you want in your life anyway.

Bottom line: be polite, don't be a douche, but don't be ruled by fear.

I didn't say I didn't want guys talking to me; I said I didn't like the feeling of being "come on" to. I clearly don't hate the thought of guys wanting to talk to me, as I am actually married. I like talking to guys and they usually like talking to me. I never appreciated lines, because they are fairly shallow and kind of insulting. Being friendly and just going straight into a pick up are two different things.

 

[Gaith]

Okay, so join some kind of walking or hiking club. Check out meetup.com -- they have groups of people who are interested in just about everything, everywhere. If you're serious about your writing, join a writers group -- it may improve your writing AND your social life. I see on your profile that you like Irish folk music; maybe there's some Irish dancing that you could take part in in your area.

Translation: you don't really exercise. Start. Tora Ziyal is quoted for total truth here.

Thank you, Gaith. I was actually thinking more about the interaction than the exercise, but you're right -- exercise is always good -- for health, for appearance, and for meeting people.

I was both agreeing with your point and adding to it; if relationships were a priority for me at this time, a hiking group would be my first stop.

Well, I just checked, and there's an Irish fair & music festival in Los Angeles in March, so I'm going to go, and see if I can meet some fair lass to strike up a conversation with. In the meantime, I'll have to think of other things to try here... I don't see any dedicated BSG groups in SoCal, or groups devoted to Celtic folk.

Sounds good! Try to bring one of your (cooler) friends.

 

[MetalPants]

Bar hopping is mostly a dead end. In the past year I dated four women that I met in bars. The first one did some coke on our date, the second one was an alien abducted, the third one only wanted to talk about how she had been a cheerleader eight years earlier, and the last one only spoke in frustratingly short sentences.
The major relationships I have been in grew out of existing friendships. Oh and let me recommend staying AWAY from pay sites like E-HARMony and Match.com. IMO a waste of money there.

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

Yeah, I'm not big on internet dating sites, mostly for the reason that I refuse to pay for the right to communicate with a woman... if things get so bad where I'll pay money to find a female, I may as well... well, you know, lol.