I Want to Get Married

[BolianAuthor]

*sighs* I have a similar wish, to get married. Problem is I don't have ANY experience ever being in a relationship. While I like the idea of someone to come home to, someone to talk with about problems that I can't discuss with other people (family issues, work issues, etc), to share experiences with like TV, Movies, weekend trips, I also think it might be a little stifling to have to tell someone where I am, when I'll be home, stuff like that all the time. Odd, no? I think after years of living alone and being single I've had to develop an independent streak. It doesn't come naturally to me at least to think "OK, I'm going out, maybe so and so would want to go too" or "I'm stopping by the grocery, I wonder if we need anything at home."

I'm so used to just taking care of just myself I think it would be an adjustment to be a part of a pair. For the right person though I think I'd be willing to open up. Problem is how to find this person. I've never, ever had a guy approach me and the couple of times in middle school when I did go on a semi-date-ish kinda thing I asked the guy. I'm not particularly attractive I suppose, but I'd like to think I'm not totally ugly either. I wouldn't know what to do if a guy approached me and I'm too shy these days to approach a guy (especially guys my age who might already have a girlfriend, fiance or wife). They'd probably laugh at me right in the face for having the audacity to approach them. I've tried online matching sites and have had a few nibbles, but it falls apart in the step between online communications and the real life meet up. So what do I do?

Being a woman with few friends it would be intimidating to go to a bar alone. I'm not sure what activities I'd really like to be in, but I do know if it wasn't so expensive I wouldn't mind trying Kayaking or Tennis (plus they'd be a lot better as a pairs activity). I like reading too, but the idea of a book club seems a little stodgy for a single in her 20s. I like cooking (have to living on my own), but again that might be an expensive activity to pick up as well. It'd be fun to discuss TV and movies with people, but that's not generally something you meet up as a group to do, is it? My goal is to maybe have a boyfriend by the time I'm 30, which is about two years away, but I don't know that I'm even gonna meet that goal at this point.

Well, let's see... we're two people looking for a relationship, in a web forum where we share a similar interest...

Would you be open to the idea getting to know each other in writing a while, and see what becomes of it?

I mean, there's no reason for us both to wallow in frustration without even trying anything to fix it.

 

[Kestra]

Personally, I really don't like hearing/reading people who are married say that they don't understand the desire to get married, or never felt that way themselves... it sounds like something that people like me would kill for is something you never really wanted, and take for granted, or seem cavalier about. It makes it sound unfair, like someone who doesn't really want something has it, when someone who really does want it goes without. But that's just how I see it.

I'm sorry if I offended you with my post. I certainly don't take my husband or my relationship with him for granted and I apologize if I did not communicate that properly. As far as it being unfair ... well it is. I won't apologize for that part because life simply isn't always fair.

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

Trust me... nobody is more aware of the life being unfair than I, lol... and not just about this... about a great many things, lol.

I didn't mean to say you offended me... you didn't... but to me, it just makes it sound like you don't appreciate how special a marriage is. I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it? Why not simply live together, as you said?

 

[ed629]

Okay, as the thread title indicates, the BolianAuthor wants to get married. However, it has been quite a few years since I've been in the dating scene, and I fear that I may be out of touch. So, I am hoping some of you folks will share some advice for approaching women in a way that won't result in drinks being thrown in my face, or being slapped across the face, lol.

I have had two long-term relationships in my life, and quite frankly, I don't really remember what I did to approach those women, lol... it's been a while. So, I'd like to meet someone with the intent to establish a LTR leading to tying the knot.

So would anyone have any suggestions/advice/tips for the BolianAuthor on how to approach women for dates? If you have any questions for me that might help you in any answers, feel free to ask. Thanks.

I just asked her if she wanted to go out sometime, she was in one of my classes and I figured what the hell, the worst she could do was say no.... or pepper spray me. She said yes, and that was it.

 

[Kestra]

^

Trust me... nobody is more aware of the life being unfair than I, lol... and not just about this... about a great many things, lol.

I didn't mean to say you offended me... you didn't... but to me, it just makes it sound like you don't appreciate how special a marriage is. I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it? Why not simply live together, as you said?

The reasons are complex and personal, sorry.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

^

Trust me... nobody is more aware of the life being unfair than I, lol... and not just about this... about a great many things, lol.

I didn't mean to say you offended me... you didn't... but to me, it just makes it sound like you don't appreciate how special a marriage is. I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it? Why not simply live together, as you said?

The reasons are complex and personal, sorry.

You mean he knocked you up, right?

 

[Gaith]

Alicia, you sound like a very cool person, so chin up. What do you do? Do you find it fulfilling; is it helping you on the path to achieving your biggest life goals?

And may I recommend hiking groups just as several of us have done for BA - they're nearly always cheap to free, and you should meet plenty of cool people of both genders to help you bolster your social confidence in general.

I also can't imagine any guys reacting as negatively to an advance as you seem to fear. If anything, I think they'd very much respect you for being so bold. But why not start small? Compliment a guy you know if/when he wears a snazzy shirt/has a good haircut/etc if you like.

And, as with BA, know that one should always have a higher life purpose than finding a romantic partner. There's no shame whatsoever in looking for one, but like I told BA, if we're to offer you guy advice, we should really know a bit more about your career/vocational aspirations first.

 

[iguana_tonante]

You can be in a committed relationship and wake up next to the same person every day of your life whether you are married or not.

I'm not saying any of this because I think marriage is wrong or bad, but because it seems like many people don't really think about why they want to get married. It's simply something they believe everyone does, so they do it.

I dunno about the US, but here in Italy (a traditionalist country if there ever was one), marriage is becoming increasingly less common, especially in urban areas and among the middle-class. Most of my friends are in a stable relationship, some have a few children, but only a fraction is married. Pragmatism over pomp and circumstance, if you want. I find it good that marriage is something people do because they want to, not because it's expected from them.

I want that ring on my finger to show the world that yes, someone does love me, and I am taken.

Well, talk about the wrong reason to get married.

Trust me... nobody is more aware of the life being unfair than I, lol... and not just about this... about a great many things, lol.

Being familiar with your posts, it seems to me you whinge a great deal about how life is unfair to you, which is not something that makes you great "marriage material", as you say.

 

[Jenee]

You can be in a committed relationship and wake up next to the same person every day of your life whether you are married or not.

I'm not saying any of this because I think marriage is wrong or bad, but because it seems like many people don't really think about why they want to get married. It's simply something they believe everyone does, so they do it.

I dunno about the US, but here in Italy (a traditionalist country if there ever was one), marriage is becoming increasingly less common, especially in urban areas and among the middle-class. Most of my friends are in a stable relationship, some have a few children, but only a fraction is married. Pragmatism over pomp and circumstance, if you want. I find it good that marriage is something people do because they want to, not because it's expected from them.

It's moving that way here in the states, too. But many, like in my case, the decision to get married is based on legal benefits and the possible loss of assets upon the death of a partner.

Unfortunately, in my case, once we got married, my wonderful life partner turned into a nutcase.

 

[JarodRussell]

^

Trust me... nobody is more aware of the life being unfair than I, lol... and not just about this... about a great many things, lol.

I didn't mean to say you offended me... you didn't... but to me, it just makes it sound like you don't appreciate how special a marriage is. I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it? Why not simply live together, as you said?

The reasons are complex and personal, sorry.

You mean he knocked you up, right?

Aren't you supposed to be a moderator with that green colored name above your avatar?

 

[Kestra]

The reasons are complex and personal, sorry.

You mean he knocked you up, right?

Aren't you supposed to be a moderator with that green colored name above your avatar?

He's teasing me, we joke around a lot.

 

[Gepard]

I want that ring on my finger to show the world that yes, someone does love me, and I am taken.

Well, talk about the wrong reason to get married.

Cheetah agrees with iguana. This sounds almost...petty, for lack of a better term. Like it's more about filling a requirement to show off to other people, and maybe also about making yourself feel good about yourself. Which, yeah, is a bad idea.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

You mean he knocked you up, right?

Aren't you supposed to be a moderator with that green colored name above your avatar?

He's teasing me, we joke around a lot.

Yeah, sorry if I offended anyone, Kestra knows me well enough to know I only kid.

 

[Kestra]

I probably shouldn't be bringing this back up but I was thinking about it and I want to address a few things you've said. I apologize if any of the following offends you, but I felt you mis-characterized some of my feelings on the subject and I wanted to try and correct that.

I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it?

I certainly never said that marriage is unimportant. I wouldn't be posting in this thread or giving so much consideration to something that I considered unimportant. What I originally said was:

I understand your desire to get married although I never really felt that way myself.

And that much is true. I never felt that marriage was a personal goal for me the way that you seem to. This does not mean that I was strongly opposed to marriage or that I consider it unimportant, simply that it was not something I felt was crucial to what I wanted in life.

I didn't mean to say you offended me... you didn't... but to me, it just makes it sound like you don't appreciate how special a marriage is. I mean, if it was truly so "unimportant", then why did YOU do it? Why not simply live together, as you said?

There are a few other things in this post that I wanted to reply to as well. I understand that you hold a certain view of marriage but it's a bit insulting to tell me that I don't appreciate how "special" marriage is. Marriage means different things to different people. I value my relationship with my husband very much, independent of the institution of marriage.

As for why I got married if it wasn't a personal goal of mine? Essentially, my husband wanted to get married, I thought about the pros and cons of the whole deal, and I decided that there are worse things in life than to be married to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. That's oversimplifying things a bit but I'm not going to go into my deepest personal secrets here.

I also come from a background that views marriage very differently than commonly held American views. My parents had an arranged marriage. My mother got married not because she ever had the desire to, or because she fell in love. She felt an obligation and inevitability about the whole thing and agreed to marry my father. They met and were married one week later. While I strongly dislike the idea of marriage being the result of external forces, I can also look at my parents' marriage and honestly say that they both seem very happy and fulfilled.

People across the world get married for a variety of reasons. Some do it because it's a natural step for them, some do it for the legal benefits, societal or family pressure (especially if there is a pregnancy involved), and some do it for financial reasons. At the end of the day it's best to simply know your own feelings on the subject and not worry too much about the motivations of other people. There's also little reason to be jealous of or insulted by other people's marriages. With so many individual differences, you might not even want their marriage.

I want that ring on my finger to show the world that yes, someone does love me, and I am taken.

Well, talk about the wrong reason to get married.

I took his post to be more about wanting a public commitment, which is something I can understand.

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

Thanks for the explanation, Kestra... I also didn't mean to offend you, but I'm glad you clarified your outlook for me. I can totally understand about the feelings you have toward an arranged marriage situation, and I kind of expected that that was part of your reasoning, since from other posts you have made, I know your cultural background.

You are right in thinking that I want the ring as a show of a public commitment... that's not to say I'm looking for a "trophy" or the right to brag about something just to boost my own ego/image, but heck... if I find someone who is willing to be with me, I'd be proud of that, and would want to show it.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I want that ring on my finger to show the world that yes, someone does love me, and I am taken.

Well, talk about the wrong reason to get married.

I took his post to be more about wanting a public commitment, which is something I can understand.

Maybe. It's not what I surmise from his explanation, tho.

 

[Captain_Nick]

hmmm

mate slip a wedding ring on your finger and watch the attraction magic weave its spell over you.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

hmmm

mate slip a wedding ring on your finger and watch the attraction magic weave its spell over you.

On this note, BolianAuthor could, um, "acquire" a baby or small child and play with them in a park or something. Some women--especially the marrying types--will take notice.

(I do not advocate kidnapping. If you have a sibling or a cousin or a friend or whatever with a small child, just offer to babysit or something. Please make sure you have some clue what you're doing. Returning a dead infant/toddler is bad form.)

 

[BolianAuthor]

^

LOL... yeah, dead baby would certainly present an awkward moment scenario, lol.

I've heard about how wedding rings attract women... which is disturbing in a way, because it means they WANT to be with a guy who would cheat on his wife, lol.

 

[Kestra]

Here's a hint: If they're doing that, they're probably not looking to get married.

Also babies might be a bad idea if you're trying to find a partner who doesn't want children. Try a puppy instead.