I'm not in love, just because

[Riker'sMailbox]

I would dearly love to get married. There is a void in my life that breaks my heart, and I would love to remedy this by finding a woman who I can share my life with.

The problem is two-fold: Not only do I have absolutely no idea how to go out and meet women (I'm not really a social creature - the only time I really go out in public for any length of time is when I'm at a baseball game, because I am a total baseball fanatic, which is probably a turn-off ), I don't want kids either. I have nothing against kids as such, I just don't want any of my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I would SUCK as a dad.

There are so many options for meeting people now. One of my closest male friends has struggled his whole life with meeting women. He is painfully shy. He signed up for so many dating programs and he found one that worked. It took a while, but he kept on trying. If baseball is your comfort zone, try meeting someone through a Yankees chat room.

 

[Gryffindorian]

But, this right here could indicate that you want a relationship, but it is fear and insecurity holding you back. What if it doesn't work out? Or, even scarier, what if it does work out?

I fully support people not wanting a relationship. I think it is great when people decide not to have children because for too long people had them just because it was expected. But, for me, I would rather try something and get my answers, then always wonder 'what if'.

FWIW, I agree with you. The problem for me is so simple and staring me right in the face. And yet it's so daunting to overcome my own insecurities and fears. I've had my share of rejections when I was younger, which could be the root cause of my "aversion" to relationships. "Who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend anyway?" I've been telling myself that for years, and I've managed to get by, thank you very much.

From time to time, someone comes and catches my attention. If that person is married or in a relationship, fine, I can just indulge in fantasies. But when I don't know their status, or if I know they're available, I feel like a lovesick teenager all over again.

As the classic song lyrics go:

'Til now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
But now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you ALONE?

 

[publiusr]

Commitment Only =survival (sharing bills)
There is that.

 

[BillJ]

I’ve been happily married for twenty-six years, and have three kids (two adult), but what works for me doesn’t work for everyone.

My motto is: you do you.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Commitment Only =survival (sharing bills)
There is that.

And as people grow older together, there's companionate love. If they're healthy enough, there's Cialis or Viagra, so the passion isn't completely lost.

 

[Timby]

I’ve been happily married for twenty-six years, and have three kids (two adult), but what works for me doesn’t work for everyone.

My motto is: you do you.

I was married for eleven, no kids (thank God), but ultimately we became different people. We got married very young (I was 22, she was 23), and at that point I was already drinking heavily. Once I got sober, we couldn't blame my alcoholism for our problems anymore, and we had to just face the facts that fundamentally, we weren't compatible anymore.

Easily the most depressing and darkest experience of my life. I actually backed off from dating a while back because I realized I'm still not ready for it. Although a neighbor in my apartment building keeps flirting with me...

 

[Riker'sMailbox]

FWIW, I agree with you. The problem for me is so simple and staring me right in the face. And yet it's so daunting to overcome my own insecurities and fears. I've had my share of rejections when I was younger, which could be the root cause of my "aversion" to relationships. "Who needs a boyfriend/girlfriend anyway?" I've been telling myself that for years, and I've managed to get by, thank you very much.

From time to time, someone comes and catches my attention. If that person is married or in a relationship, fine, I can just indulge in fantasies. But when I don't know their status, or if I know they're available, I feel like a lovesick teenager all over again.

As the classic song lyrics go:

I am a secure person, it is just in my DNA. I am pretty. And until I had my kids, I had a banging body. I had a lot of relationships before meeting my husband. I say this because, despite my confidence, I too would feel like a teenager when meeting someone new. I imagine most people feel like that.

Just so you know, I would bet money that there are several someones out there that you have made feel like teenagers and you were probably never aware.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I am a secure person, it is just in my DNA. I am pretty. And until I had my kids, I had a banging body. I had a lot of relationships before meeting my husband. I say this because, despite my confidence, I too would feel like a teenager when meeting someone new. I imagine most people feel like that.

Just so you know, I would bet money that there are several someones out there that you have made feel like teenagers and you were probably never aware.

So are you saying I should at least try and meet someone?

I've always been a late bloomer in many ways, but there could be hope for me yet.

 

[Australis]

I would dearly love to get married. There is a void in my life that breaks my heart, and I would love to remedy this by finding a woman who I can share my life with.

The problem is two-fold: Not only do I have absolutely no idea how to go out and meet women (I'm not really a social creature - the only time I really go out in public for any length of time is when I'm at a baseball game, because I am a total baseball fanatic, which is probably a turn-off ),

You cannot tell me that in the US there aren't women who are also big baseball fans. As others have said, check out forums our chatrooms for your club of choice. Of course meeting new people is scary! I have to start all over again myself, I'm living further from family and friends than I ever had, but I'll work it out.

I don't want kids either. I have nothing against kids as such, I just don't want any of my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I would SUCK as a dad.

That was my fear before I got married, I thought I'd be terrible as a dad. I mean really terrible.

Thirty years later (a selection)

Wedding 2013

Wedding 2017

Grandgirl

Boy and grandboy

Grandboy and (other) grandgirl

Boy and fam

Boy and fam (grandgirl OOS)

Twin grandboys

[

All the grandkids

My point: my kids turned out okay. My grandkids turned out okay. The only person that didn't turn out okay was the ex. Morale of the story: even if you choose wrong, it'll be fine. Just be there for them.

 

[Gryffindorian]

*Sigh*

You don't know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
And I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unkown
Alone

 

[Australis]

Once upon a time... yeah, that song meant a lot to me too.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

If it hurts to hear that song, just tell yourself it's about a bank manager.

"How can I get you a loan..."

 

[Locutus of Bored]

The problem is two-fold: Not only do I have absolutely no idea how to go out and meet women (I'm not really a social creature - the only time I really go out in public for any length of time is when I'm at a baseball game, because I am a total baseball fanatic, which is probably a turn-off

Next season, go to a sports bar during a Yankees game. If you see a woman at the bar enjoying the game sit down nearby and make some knowledgeable comment about the batting lineup or the pitching roster or whatever. Just picture the comment like you were talking to your friends about the game so you won't feel so nervous.

If she's receptive to talking to you more, pull up a chair next to her and watch the rest of the game with her and get to know her. If you hit it off, then ask her if she would be interested in going on a date with you. If she's not interested or is otherwise in a relationship, thank her for her company and a fun evening, say goodbye, and try again with someone else the next time a game is on. Don't take it personally or feel bad if it doesn't work the first or second or sixth time. Just keep trying to make a connection with a woman over a shared interest and then build on that.

You're acting as if liking baseball is somehow an impediment to meeting women, as if there aren't a ton of women who love baseball.

 

[Australis]

You're acting as if liking baseball is somehow an impediment to meeting women, as if there aren't a ton of women who love baseball.

QFT!

 

[Awesome Possum]

I have difficultly meeting new people. I think it takes a while for me to trust and feel comfortable around other people. It's something I'm trying to work on, but old habits die hard.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Next season, go to a sports bar during a Yankees game. If you see a woman at the bar enjoying the game sit down nearby and make some knowledgeable comment about the batting lineup or the pitching roster or whatever. Just picture the comment like you were talking to your friends about the game so you won't feel so nervous.

If she's receptive to talking to you more, pull up a chair next to her and watch the rest of the game with her and get to know her. If you hit it off, then ask her if she would be interested in going on a date with you. If she's not interested or is otherwise in a relationship, thank her for her company and a fun evening, say goodbye, and try again with someone else the next time a game is on. Don't take it personally or feel bad if it doesn't work the first or second or sixth time. Just keep trying to make a connection with a woman over a shared interest and then build on that.

Thank you for the advice. Much appreciatings.

 

[Sibyl]

It's really easy to run all of these scenarios in your head, both the way you want everything to go with someone and the way you fear it will go. Psyching yourself out is not really the best policy. I need to work on that, myself.

I'm the least secure person in the universe, but even I've been able to find long-term partners and have been married twice (oh, great example! :P ). Those marriages only dissolved because of differences that popped up during our marriages but I would happily have stayed forever with either.

Introducing myself to strangers or even casual acquaintances is extremely difficult for me. If it's someone I tend to see often I might ruminate on a question that I'd like to ask them encounter after encounter, even if it's just to get to know them better. Asking someone out on a date? Yeah, almost impossible for me since early HS unless that person has shown an obvious interest.

I'm in limbo now, living with my ex and daydreaming of the possibilities for my future.

I decided recently that I'd use what a Jesuit priest once told a group I was in was the shortest prayer: "Fuck it." Fake it 'til you make it, right? I'm not there yet, but I'm becoming much, much more open and I've been wandering into public a lot lately.

Funny thing is, the only relationships I've had in the past that became long-term partnerships have been the ones that the other person initiated.

 

[Discofan]

I tend to be overconfident in my relations with others and sometimes it plays tricks on me. However not enough to discourage me from being that way. It's better to take a risk and lose than to do nothing for fear of losing. Some people hate the way I am to the point that they want to "take me down a peg" but it never works, in the end, they're the ones who end up frustrated, not me. There was this guy who seemed to go nowhere with a girl and he was jealous of the way she responded to me, so things escalated to the point where he wanted to get physical. Too bad for him that I am a black belt in Karate and so it would take someone much bigger than him to get a chance to hurt me, in a pinch several of him might do the trick. So his attack failed lamentably and he left. I've never seen him in that place ever again. Public humiliation is sometimes worse than anything else.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

 

[Qonundrum]

Commitment Only =survival (sharing bills)
There is that.

And the emotional bond that can develop... And being committed can reduce the chances of bringing in STDs (barriers are not 100% effective as well, survival is indeed a more literal component for one in particular, as for others, just don't sweat over those debates...)

There is nothing wrong with a person just because they don't do what everyone else is doing - any relationship is only the business of those in it and most of us I'd wager only care about others' sex lives only if we want to be part of theirs, the same way many if not most also call it "personal lives", in a much and amusingly convoluted paradigm...

Most people want children and the rest. Some don't. There's nothing wrong with either condition. There's a whole table discussing the human condition of sexuality, far beyond the original Kinsey studies, which comprise the right column's definitions --> https://imgur.com/gallery/WNiJA

I could think of an addition or two to the left column, but the table is adequate and if anyone cares I'm technically a D3 if not E3 but a relationship is a qualifier. It also reminds me of a small handful of quotes, including but not limited to:

“Most of you will have heard the maxim 'correlation does not imply causation.' Just because two variables have a statistical relationship with each other does not mean that one is responsible for the other." - Nate Silver

This one's real good for those wanting a committed relationship, or those who are in one and lamenting with much maudlin whining to not being in one:

"The grass is always greener on the other side - until you smoke it" - me

My science teacher said that just because two things happened together didn't mean one was because of the other, or as she put it: correlation does not imply causation.”
― Ezekiel Kwaymullina

“Present, rather than past, is the mother of future. So, your future must take after your present. But if it resembles more your past, the granny must be a slut!”
― Raheel Farooq