I'm not in love, just because

[Gryffindorian]

My name is Gryffindorian. I'm a 45-year-old single male living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm Asian American. I identify as bisexual. I work in accounting for a public utility agency. I have diabetes and chronic anxiety. I like scifi and fantasy shows and films, shopping, dining out, listening to music, and exercising.

As I mentioned in another thread, I haven't been in a relationship for most of my adult life, and I'm quite content with the status quo, or at least I have been. I'm just happy to be in the company of people dear to me, i.e., my friends and family. Who wouldn't be?

How did I turn out to be this way, you might ask. Most of my solitary nature can be attributed to my personality. In fact, I'm so introverted that I tend to keep to myself even at home, or in many social settings. That's just me. While I have a few close friends, I don't actively seek out new people, as they do on Star Trek.

Another factor, I believe, has been the lack of self-confidence, arising from my own anxiety - the fear of rejection or being judged. As I've grown older, I don't give a shit anymore what others think.

From time to time, I find myself attracted to a certain individual. It's more an infatuation than anything else, and I ask myself, what if??? What if I decide to get to know this person and we really hit it off? What if the other person isn't interested and I end up humiliating myself? What if we become a couple? What if we don't get along and we break up? Such a relationship could have a drastic impact on my life. Thus the nagging thoughts become intrusive, further contributing to my anxiety.

What say you? Would you consider a solitary lifestyle atypical or unusual? I've sometimes entertained the possibility that I might have a schizoid personality disorder, but it would be silly to self-diagnose. Besides, I don't check all the boxes.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Does happiness depend on a personal romantic attachment? The answer is a resounding no. Being in a relationship can be a source of joy for many, but that's not all there is. The Dalai Lama is a prime example of a man living a celibate life, and yet as a spiritual leader, he has so much wisdom and exudes compassion and happiness. So anyone who devotes him/herself to a purpose can live meaningful and satisfying lives.

Perhaps I'm no different from a monk or an ascetic. The 40-year-old virgin's got nothing on me!

 

[Timewalker]

Would you consider a solitary lifestyle atypical or unusual?

It's perfectly normal, from my perspective. My cat agrees with me. I tried to adopt another cat last year and Maddy put all four feet down and said no.

 

[LAFR]

Ah, the internet.

The cost-free psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist.

 

[Armus]

I'm resolved to stay single for awhile, but it can be tough, especially when I go to the gym or see attractive couples together. Choosing to stay single doesn't mean you can't seek some forms of connection or companionship. Whether you want to stay single or pursue relationships, you have to count the costs and bear the consequences. It's a matter of what's right for you.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I'm resolved to stay single for awhile, but it can be tough, especially when I go to the gym or see attractive couples together. Choosing to stay single doesn't mean you can't seek some forms of connection or companionship. Whether you want to stay single or pursue relationships, you have to count the costs and bear the consequences. It's a matter of what's right for you.

I totally agree, and more power to those who are happily attached or happily single, for that matter. It's just that I look back to my adult life and realize how different I am from most people in general in terms of life experiences. Now is that good or bad? Neither, in my humble opinion.

But we as a society have cultural norms and expectations. Most men my age are likely married and have children, but marriage or raising a family isn't something I want to pursue at the moment, or if ever. Even when I travel, I get asked "Are you married or do you have children?" To me, it sucks that some people make such assumptions. I'm an outlier. So what?

Another point I neglected to add is that humans, like most living beings, have a biological urge to mate. From my perspective, I find "crushes" to be both distracting and intrusive. I doubt I can really fall in love without knowing the other person to some extent. Other than that, I'm happily unattached.

 

[PSGarak]

But we as a society have cultural norms and expectations. Most men my age are likely married and have children, but marriage or raising a family isn't something I want to pursue at the moment, or if ever. Even when I travel, I get asked "Are you married or do you have children?" To me, it sucks that some people make such assumptions. I'm an outlier. So what?

Trust me. If you were in a child-free couple, you'd be getting this question all the time, too. Apparently, if you're married and CHOOSE not to have children, you're child-hating monsters or something equally ridiculous. Of course, now that we're of a certain age, we get asked if we have grandkids instead.

 

[Butters]

Trust me. If you were in a child-free couple, you'd be getting this question all the time, too. Apparently, if you're married and CHOOSE not to have children, you're child-hating monsters or something equally ridiculous. Of course, now that we're of a certain age, we get asked if we have grandkids instead.

You also get the same relentless questioning even if you’ve chosen to have children but for whatever reason it doesn’t happen, year after year, but you’d rather not talk about your fertility with passing acquaintances.

Nowt wrong with keeping your own company.

 

[Timewalker]

Most men my age are likely married and have children, but marriage or raising a family isn't something I want to pursue at the moment, or if ever. Even when I travel, I get asked "Are you married or do you have children?" To me, it sucks that some people make such assumptions. I'm an outlier. So what?

Try being a woman and being asked that question. One of my own male classmates from high school asked me about kids, and when I told him I wasn't married, had no kids, had no plans for kids, he asked, "Why not?" as though there was something wrong with me for making that choice. After all, most of our classmates were at least in some sort of committed relationship, many had kids, some got married right out of high school (I graduated in 1980).
At least people who visit my home don't ask much anymore. I point to a cup in my china cabinet that says, "All my children have paws" and tell them I've raised cats for the past 42 years, some from birth to old age. Those cats have been my kids (some of them did imprint on me as a surrogate mom, depending on how young they were when they were separated from their biological mothers).

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

I’ve been married for less than a year and fortunately I haven’t been asked about kids. Though given society I’m sure it will come up at some point.

 

[PSGarak]

My takeaway from this thread so far is that people who are in any sort of romantic arrangement (or not in any romantic arrangement) that doesn't conform to the married + 2.5 kids +/- picket fence can expect rude, prying questions from people who apparently have nothing better to do with their time than dig into strangers' or acquaintances' business.

Live your life. Know that you're normal for you, and who gives a crap what the nosyniks think, because they will always find something to fault. It says more about them than it ever will about you.

 

[Butters]

I’ve been married for less than a year and fortunately I haven’t been asked about kids. Though given society I’m sure it will come up at some point.

I want to do one of those meme things but I can’t right now, the one with Yoda, saying ‘you will be’.

People are crap, it’s in their nature.

 

[Santaman]

More and more people remain single/solitary, guess that society overcomplicate things more and more, as for the rest, life happens, you can plan, you can wish, sometimes it flows your way and sometimes it just run a different course.

 

[Butters]

Within a week of me deciding that I was happy enough as I was by myself, and stopped looking out for, and yearning for, the life partner that I always knew that I deserved and would some day find because thats what I was led to expect, i was unexpectedly involved with my future wife. If it wasn’t so great I would have been really pissed off. I’d planned to pamper myself with a long bubble bath, bottle of wine, takeaway, and a spaghetti western for the next few Fridays. How different my life might have been if I’d insisted on watching For a few Dollars More by myself that weekend.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

I want to do one of those meme things but I can’t right now, the one with Yoda, saying ‘you will be’.

People are crap, it’s in their nature.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

Within a week of me deciding that I was happy enough as I was by myself, and stopped looking out for, and yearning for, the life partner that I always knew that I deserved and would some day find because thats what I was led to expect, i was unexpectedly involved with my future wife. If it wasn’t so great I would have been really pissed off. I’d planned to pamper myself with a long bubble bath, bottle of wine, takeaway, and a spaghetti western for the next few Fridays. How different my life might have been if I’d insisted on watching For a few Dollars More by myself that weekend.

I keep seeing stories like this. I still hold out a little bit of hope but I've mostly given up. I guess I'll have to be completely hopeless before I meet my future wife. I'm mostly there.

 

[Delta Vega]

My partner / girlfriend / significant other is batshit mental
Sometimes some alone time is a blessing in disguise believe me

 

[Sparkle Fabulosa]

I agree with @Butters. Let the longing for someone take a backseat to the other things in your life and you may be happily surprised.

If I hadn’t discovered Voyager then I never would have registered on TrekBBS, and I might not be married right now.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Well, the subject of marriage came up again tonight when Dear Old Dad lectured me and my single older brother, saying how hard it could be for people to grow old and not get married or have kids.

I should've told him, "I'd rather die old and single than be a miserable old man like you who complains about everything." I mean, this is a man who has gone to the emergency room dozens of times over the past two years complaining about a headache and thinking he's having a stroke. He obviously has an anxiety problem, among other things, but refuses to take meds (for anything that ails him) because he's worried the "side effects" could kill him.

Oh, what a happy old man you turned out to be, Daddy.

 

[Relayer1]

Trust me. If you were in a child-free couple, you'd be getting this question all the time, too. Apparently, if you're married and CHOOSE not to have children, you're child-hating monsters or something equally ridiculous. Of course, now that we're of a certain age, we get asked if we have grandkids instead.

I never wanted kids. My wife was of a similar mind until she wasn't, so we had one.

He's fantastic - I love him to bits. He's at Uni now and doing well. Having had him, I couldn't be without him. However, I'm absolutely no happier as a parent than I was not being a parent.

The idea that you have to have children to be happy and fulfilled is complete bullshit. Do what you like - find something you like to do, live how you want to live. Have kids if you want and if you can, and if it doesn't happen, so what ?