Voyager Caption Contest #145 The art of War-lady

[Catarina]

1. Time for Kes to shine. So we're doing another episode theme contest.

First our Winners! And you didn't let me down. The awards are already worthless so I should just say EVERYBODY WON! But since no one wants to share: Here are belly laughs

"Where's Wooden" award goes to: Jirin Panthosa

CHAKOTAY: Okay, okay! We get it, I'm wooden!

Chakotay is about to have a big bang err rather zap. Honorable mention award: Nerys Myk

SEVEN: Once again. Scissors cuts Paper. Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors. Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes Rock and as it always has Rock crushes Scissors

Gotta have a good gas joke award goes to: AC2T

Sorry guys. It must be those craft services burritos. Either that, or my opinion of this script just leaked out.

Spaceballs! Nebusj and AC2T. Really I couldn't pick between this or the insurrection joke. :thumbsup:

Kim: ``But this could get us home in an hour! Think man, how did you get your shirt to go to plaid?!''

Chakotay: What the hell is this?! I thought I told you to take only what you need to SURVIVE!

Janeway: It's my industrial strength coffee machine...AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT!!

I can feel her boredom award: Triskelion

Chak: My people have a saying....if you teach a man to fish, wait - if a man can fish, and you eat fish together - no, if you can lead a man to fish, but you can't make him eat a fish....

Another winner for Nerys Myk: I really gotta stop you guys go for more than one :P You're too darn good. So well captured.

WANG: Look man, I get it. But you should at least show up in costume.
and

CHAKOTAY: Are you sure a garage sale is the best idea?
JANEWAY: No money. Need coffee. So shut up and start writing price tags!

Paris' dream award goes to Leadhead

Chakotay: Don't be afraid. We come in peace.

Aliens: (offscreen) We don't.

Paris: (voiceover) And that's how I became First Officer of the starship Voyager.

Where indeed, Hux

PARIS: Did you try the ready room?

CHAKOTAY: No it wasn't there..

KIM: Maybe it's in your quarters.

CHAKOTAY: No, not there either.... Where the hell did I leave my charisma?

*****************************************************************

Too good. I may need to do another one in a month

Onward with KES!!!! (Someone go get Lynx)

 

[Finn]

Kes: Kes to Neelix....you left your droppings on the bed again

*sounds of people in the mess hall leaving*

Captain's Log: Another good day. I didn't break a boob this time.

Kes: Don't drink that one! I put some Leola Root extract for someone else.

Neelix: What type of shampoo did you use. It gives me an idea for a nice amorous dessert.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Janeway: "No, I'll be uglier in fourteen years!"

Kes: "No way! I'll be uglier in fourteen years!"

Season three, episode four, scene twenty-six: another boring scene with Kes nobody really cares about.

 

[JanewayRulz!]

Kes: What the... is that a chin hair? I'm too young for chin hairs! I haven't hit my puberty yet, much less my morilogium.

Janeway: I called dibs on the last cup of coffee! So cough it up. NOW!
Kes: You're crazy!
Janeway: Not crazy. Just ...in... WITHDRAWL.

Kes: Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead.
Alien Babe of the week: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of woman who would put the poison into her own goblet or her enemy's? Now, a clever woman would put the poison into her own goblet, because she would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Kes: I can see you are overthinking this. Lets forget the battle of wits. Just give me back the wine and I'll go get us a couple of light sabers.

Neelix: I never realized how sexy Kes would look, dressed in black.
Janeway: I'll be in my bunk. (Shameless Firefly reference. )

 

[Triskelion]

T4TW Catarina!

Kes: If I'm the apple of Neelix's eye, but love is blind, can I stab his eyes out?

Neelix is gross!
Hes' got a *CENSORED*!
Is it *CENSORED*?

Kes: This Cuba Libre is from that hedgehog-looking fellow at the end of the bar.
Alien: Ooh, glad I wore my lucky headboard helmet.
Kes: On a second thought, you've had enough - I'm cutting you off.

Janeway: Neelix, that is not your phaser holster.
Neelix: I know, it's more like a phase rifle locker. Why don't you go easy on the holographic character subroutines.

 

[stardream]

Tom Paris or Neelix? One is a good looking highly competent flyboy and the other is a hedgehog.

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

EMH: (over comm) Sickbay to Kes. Neelix was here just a moment ago looking for you.

Kes: Thank you Doctor. Computer, emergency transporter program 6.

Kes beams out just before Neelix arrives.

Janeway: It's my turn to use the transporter!

Kes: But you cut in line!

Janeway: Captains get to cut!

Kes: No they don't!

Janeway: Yes they do!

Kes: No they don't!

Red Alert Alarms go off.

Janeway: Great, recess is over.

Kes: To celebrate the my new reign over this planet, here are special drinks!

Nori: What is it called?

Kes: A Slurpee, we destroyed all the other stores during our assault on this area,

Neelix: Shouldn't we have brought security with us?

Chakotay: (thinking) I knew I forgot something.

 

[hux]

Thanks for the win Sugarplum.

Kes: Smells like shit. Tastes like shit. Yeah, I think this is definitely some shit.

Janeway: Whatever it is we're doing, It would be so much better if you were hotter and Borg.

Kes: Remember when we used to wear those ridiculous face covering tentacle masks. We looked like such idiots.

Nori: She's standing right behind you!

Janeway: I'm gonna eviscerate these fuckers. Their flesh will be ripped to shreds and leave pools of rancid corpse meat. They'll bathe in blood and innards. I'm gonna slice them into shit.

Neelix: Don't take this wrong way captain but you haven't had a decent fuck in a long time, have you?

 

[2takesfrakes]

JANEWAY: "I order you to drop the 'Sweet & Wholesome' routine, Kes - I don't buy it."

 

[T'Girl]

Janeway: "Jake from State Farm my ass, who were you talking too?"

Janeway: "Okay, he's right around this corner."
Neelix: "Uh, Captain ..."
Janeway: "Not now, on three we rush around the corner."
Neelix: "But Captain ..."
Janeway: "I'll stun him and together we'll carry him to the air lock."
Neelix: "Captain ..."
Janeway: "Chakotay right behind us, isn't he?"
.

 

[T'Ressa Dax]

Neelix: "Yes, Captain, I'm right behind you. There's nowhere I'd rather be. Nowhere safer. Oh, no offense to you, Commander."
Chakotay: "None taken, Neelix." (to sellf) "please shut up."

 

[Catarina]

Any more before I close for next one? (i forgot to pin it! ugh. no point now) you're making it easy on me this week, boys. bring me some belly laughs!

 

[Drone]

[

Focus!, Focus! I don't need a replicator to get a refreshing glass of spinach juice with a touch of pear!!

Janeway: No Kes, No!!!! I'm your mother, I just don't...I just can't love you that way!!!!

Tieran: All right, you won't do the threesome? No grape juice for you!!!!

Neelix: Uh, Captain, I know there's nothing more important now than rescuing my sweeting, but I feel compelled to tell you that there's an Ilarian blood worm crawling up your shoulder. Here, let me just take a second to swipe it off. We can't afford to have your attention diverted for even a moment to return my sweeting to me!!!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Janeway: "Neelix, are those horns growing out of your head?"

Neelix: "Yes, I'm feeling horny."

 

[A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees]

Alien: What...what is it?
Neelix: Don't worry, the Captain will get us through this.
Janeway: It's..it's...it's a plot hole. Stay close. I'm setting my phaser to technobabble.
Chakotay: Don't be so dramatic, we see these every week.

 

[Triskelion]

I'm sad and I need cheering up. I know, I'll tell Harry that Naomi Wildman got promoted to Captain's Assistant.

Janeway: Stay away from my lizard baby daddy!
Kes: Save it for Neelix's new talk format show, Neelix Live! We're on after one of the Delaney Sisters comes out as a man!

Kes: All right. Where is the Cuba Libre with Regular Coke? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is fat.
Alien: Is it...all of them?
Kes: Dammit!

Janeway: Look at Kes. Bossing everybody around, swaggering around like she owns the place, emasculating all the men around her - who does she think she is?
Neelix: Yeah, that's...bizarre, never seen anything like that....
Chakotay <whispering>: Good one Neelix.