VOY Caption This 93; Neutered...

[Ln X]

The weekend starts here! First off we have the winners of last weeks contest, and boy! Were there a lot of great captions and quirky stuff from you folks!!!

Sam Wildman: I'm sorry. I hadn't realize Naomi had transfeered the ogre of fire from the holodecks to the ship's holoemitters.

Charlie couldn't entice Seven to be an Angel, so he had to settle for Chakotay.

JANEWAY: Who the hell encrypted the thermostat controls?!!

Neelix died as he had lived: improving crew morale.

Chakotay: I have poisoned one of these drinks. Guess the right one and you live.

Tuvok: There is no need for me to guess. You have poisoned both drinks, and believing me to be stupid, thought that you would successfully kill me. Clearly, you have failed.

Chakotay: Damn Vulcans.

///

And now the special award:

B'Elanna Torres: "Ask me for a "Alabama Hot Pocket" will you?"

Some double captioning sweetness here...

Ensign: This fifteen deck walkup is a charming fixer-upper.
Chakotay: Sure. If you like space roaches.

Tuvok(OS): While the space roach infestation continues unchecked, I am pleased to report the hedgehog traps have been successful.

Finally I few of these Vulcan jokes caught my eye...

What do Vulcans take to increase their sex drives?
Seven years.

\

Why did the Vulcan cross the road?
To get some poontang.

How do you piss off a Vulcan?
You stand on his shoulders, pull down your fly and relieve yourself.

///

///

///


With the mutiny now quashed, Janeway imposes order on her unruly flock and life -- in true Voyager reset fashion -- returns to normal...

Next caption contest 14th of December. Have fun!

 

[Ln X]

Janeway: As punishment for your insubordination, my chief of security himself will be flogging you! Afterwards I shall let Torres loose with a pair of Klingon painsticks...

Tuvok: Is this part of Voyager's food supplies?
Chakotay: Erm... This is one of my Maquis comrades stewing away, the captain insisted upon making an example of the mutineers and she had to pick a 'redshirt'.

Janeway: He was a lousy morale officer but damn did he make the Delta Quadrant's finest coffee! Revive him with nanoprobes at once doctor!

For betraying his captain, Tuvok was assigned to a fate worse than death; serving under Neelix.

Janeway: (thinking) Betrayed by half of my crew. Betrayed by my first officer. Betrayed by my closest friend. They even spiked my coffee!

 

[jespah]

Janeway - Now, Engineering tells me that we can get home 300% faster if we use up all of the "Snow Bunny Blonde" hair dye on board. But it's gone mysteriously missing, and I aim to get to the bottom of the conspiracy.

Tuvok - Scans indicate that this is something called Samuel Adams Winter Wheat IPA.

Tom - Oh my God, they killed Neelix! Actually, who am I kidding? This is a great day!

Neelix - Future fan fiction writers will see this scene as being the first-ever date of Harry and Tom.
Harry - Wha--?

Janeway (thinking) - I told them to hang the industrial decorations straight. Christmas is coming, and they are not straight. I, I can't bear it. I can't look anymore.

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Win

Janeway - Until you have proven yourself trustworthy, we will lock you all in deck 15, with the Borg baby.

Chakotay: So this is where Neelix brews his Leola roots.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CHAKOTAY:Chakotay to Voyager. We've found the engineering deck.

JANEWAY: Damn space roaches.

JANEWAY: Sorry Neelix, we've done all we can.

NEELIX: You haven't done anything!

JANEWAY: Like I said.

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!

Janeway: I can neuter them for defying my authority, but what am I going to do with -you-?

Chakotay: What the hell is this doing in the kitchen, is this dinner?!
Tuvok: Logic dictates we require a new chef.

Janeway: I'll miss the hedgehog. He was annoying, crude, vulgar, couldn't cook, but he basked in my power and authority. This man truly submitted to my will without fear. That's rare.

Neelix: Aww... aren't they cute sharing the same dish?
Tuvok: Logic dictates we should give them a single plate of spaghetti to force a kiss tomorrow.

Janeway: Maybe I shouldn't have executed them all... I'm feeling lonely without anyone to torment.

 

[Timewalker]

Janeway: All right, Marla, I know you. You started it, didn't you?

Gilmore: No, sir, I did not.

Janeway: Well, who did?

Gilmore: I don't know, sir.

Janeway (grumbling): 'I don't know, sir...'

 

[Triskelion]

Thanks for the win, Ln X! Awesome.
This thread:

Janeway: Step out of line, and I'll have Tuvok on you like an Algerian Snow Python on a pregnant lady.

Crew: Sir! Yes sir!

Gilmore: I'm from Earth, sir.

Janeway <lowly>: Just run with it, crewman.

Chakotay: Needs 30 more cc's of hops.
Tuvok: Our Nucleogenic Alien Ale will be the envy of the ship's brewmaster club.

Pull...the...plug...Captain.
Here's the situation Neelix. If we do that we can't sue for malpractice.

Tasty, Neelix. What did you say this was?
My foot fungus treatment.
<Tom hesitates, then keeps eating>

Good. No one's discovered my minifridge.

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: It's the albino, Tuvok. The assassin is always the albino.

GILMORE: But I'm not....

JANEWAY: Take her away, Tuvok.

 

[Triskelion]

Tell me your post on the Equinox, and I'll tell you your post on Voyager.
"Engineer."
You'll be in waste extraction.
"Damage control."
You'll scrub conduits.
"Biochemist."
Ramscoop Maintenance.
"Chief Engineer."
Chief lunch lady. Hairnet up, Blondie.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Janeway: "You know the regulations. No one shall have more sex than the Captain, and since I'm in a bit of a dry patch right now, so is the whole crew. You could do a lot better than follow Ensign Kim's example."

Chakotay: "Now that's what I call a beer."
Tuvok: "There's a corpse in your beer."
Chakotay: "I can work around it."

Janeway: "Poor Neelix. What a loss."
Neelix: "I'm fine."
Chakotay: "Y'know, I'm going to miss his leola root stew."
Neelix: "Really there's nothing wrong with me."
Paris: "Poor little fellow. That was no way to go."
Neelix: "I'm not dead, what's wrong with you."
EMH: "I'll need to perform an autopsy."
Neelix: "An autopsy. Are you crazy?"
Janeway: "Don't be silly Doctor."
Neelix: "Oh thank God."
Janeway: "Just flush his body out the airlock and be done with it."

Tuvok: "I made it all myself."
Paris: "What is it?"
Tuvok: "A cellular peptide cake."
Kim: "With mint frosting."

Janeway: "Stand down from red alert. And tell B'Elanna to break out the putty knife."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

No, you can't have a long term contract. That would confuse the audience.

I know I'm supposed to be afraid that the Hirogen dump their victims in giant vats of external stomach acid, but really it all just bores me.

JANEWAY: You see Doctor, if you don't quit complaining about your mobile emitter being damaged, we'll transport Neelix's lungs away again.

DOCTOR: I'll be good.

NEELIX: Heh heh. They'll pretend to like anything if I tell them it's a delicacy. Even Talaxian hog feces.

Leave me alone. I just found out I'm going to be fat in 15 years.

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: A pledge pin! On your uniform?

GILMORE: It's a communicator. We all wear them.

JANEWAY: Right. Carry on.

 

[Triskelion]

You had it pretty nice on your last posting. But on this ship, we run things by the book.

Does this mean no marital aid parties?

By the book!

Oh, so - some marital aid parties, then.

 

[T'Girl]

Janeway: You know the regulations.
No one shall have more sex than the Captain,
and since I'm in a bit of a dry patch ...

Someone: "Dry patch," I get it.

Janeway: Who said that?

Everyone: *** Laughter ***

Janeway: Mister Tuvok.

Tuvok: No one aboard is allowed to laugh at the Captain's "dry patch."

Crewman: "Captain, there's a strange lifeform crawling out of the overhead vent."

Janeway: (sigh) "Of course there is."

Janeway: "No one leaves until I find out who ate the strawberries."

 

[Ln X]

Janeway: You four have all the qualities of Neelix's leola root stew, and THAT is not a compliment!

 

[LeadHead]

Janeway: Welcome aboard Voyager. If you think that we're going to forget you or what you've done. You're absolutely right.

Chakotay: Nah, skip this one. It's a lame ale at best.

Doctor: His BRAIN is gone!

Paris: It's just whipped cream!

Tuvok: Is that a problem?

Paris: No, just making a note.

Chakotay: They used Legos to build this ship?!

 

[KarenLynn]

Doctor: His BRAIN is gone!

Tom Paris: ... how can you tell?

 

[Triskelion]

The first thing I need to tell you is that there is no regulation requiring new crewmembers to taste test the Chief of Security's plomeek. Is that understood?

<Tuvok grumbles>

Crewman: Captain, did you lose a watch on the bridge?
Janeway: Yeah, like five years ago. Did you find it?
Crewman: Yes. It was bundled inside these jockey shorts that say "Property of Tuvok." They appear to have been sucked into in this conduit.

Kim: Must you stare at us while we eat?
Neelix: It is a full service dining experience, gentlemen.
Kim: If you hate the owner, don't take it out on us, guy.
Paris: Besides if you spit in the food, you'll never be able to enjoy a meal out again. Believe me, I know.
Neelix: Oh? Did you spit in someone's food? And now that makes you wonder if you're eating spit? Would it help if I told you I spit in the food?
Paris: Whatever. <Continues eating>

 

[Bob Karo]

Janeway: "No one leaves until I find out who ate the strawberries."

Winner!