Unrequited Love: The Other Side of the Story

[O'Dib]

I've been on both sides of this.

I fell madly in love with a good friend of mine (I thought I was picking up on some signals from her end as well), and having outgrown some self-esteem issues finally decided to tell her. After which I was puzzled why this didn't magically produce the desired result. One reason may have been that I was previously flirting with another, mutual, friend of ours, whom I knew liked me (I her, not so much). I guess I though it'd be a training wheels sort of thing for entering the dating world, but quickly reconsidered, and went for the mother load instead.

Anyways, afterwards me and the major crush exchanged several long-as-shit e-mails about my issues leading up to the fiasco, thought processes, whatever. Eventually, I tried to lessen the impact of all I had said, but thinking I'd keep feeling that way about her forever, left the ball planted firmly in her side of the court, promising never to bring it up again. Later I also realized how stressful it was for her to have to take on the role of therapist, and decided to stop using her as a sounding board, so I cut the e-mail chatter. Talking gets you nowhere, it's all about time, baby.

Now, for someone unrequited..ly? loving me, it was more of a "I loved her, but not as much as she, holy hell, loved me" story. I got a bit freaked out by the time she started sending me things like "I cannot express what I feel like as well as this famous writer, so here's what he said" and then quoted some "to have the honor of loving an angel" bullshit. When I realized we were nowhere near on the same level of caring for each other, I though I'd cut the story short before it got ugly and, y'know, demanding. At which point she went completely bat-shit insane on my ass, and I had to cut all contact and let her cool the fuck off for a while. It's not pretty, whichever side you look at it from.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Hmm, I've turned down a few dates, but I don't think anyone has ever been unrequitedly in love with me.

 

[HighteeHeller]

Yes, ive had this happen a number of times. My most recent being a man i come into contact with at work.

Ive known him for a few years and last week he decided to share his feelings with me. Ur so wonderful, we have a 'connection', i want you..blah blah blah.

Nevermind he is in a 15 year relationship. Seriously. WTF?

So i said, wow, thanks for being so honest with me, but i have no intention of messing around with a married man(my way of saying nicely i dont want anything to do with him) He replied that if he were single would i date him? I told him that wasnt a fair question and i wont respond(my way of saying nicely, not in your life).

And i would like to add. I am a 38 year old woman, divorced for 3 years and still single. Out of the many guys that have approached me, 90% were married...

...and i wonder why im still single.

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ I get that myself and I don't get why they do it either. In the last two months I have been propositioned by several married men at work. One man was ten feet from his wife and child for heaven's sake! It gives me the creeps because my mama always taught me to never play with other people's toys.

But to be honest, it is a little different for me I guess. I am gay and they are riding it on the down-low. Relationship or not, I don't do that either. Either you are out or we don't go out.

 

[HighteeHeller]

^Thats fair. Though would you not consider dating someone who is not out, but would consider coming out for the sake of having a relationship with you?

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ Maybe. I am to old to start "breaking them in" these days so it would be on a case by case basis.

 

[Finn]

Ever since I gotten together with my fiancee (my only love ever), there were times when I wonder if there was someone in my past, perhaps as recent as my old life in Cincinnati, or so many years ago in high school who had a crush on me.

Of course, it doesn't matter anymore.

 

[T'Bonz]

I've been on both sides of the love fence - one who had to reject someone and one who was the rejected one. On one side, you get guilt; on the other side, you are sad and lonely.

Gee, I'm glad I'm married and don't have to deal with dating anymore!

 

[HighteeHeller]

^You'd think.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

If anyone has ever felt unrequited love for me, they haven't made me aware of it. It's not as though I haven't been available and open to being approached for the majority of my adult life.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

All love is unrequited. All of it.

 

[Kestra]

All love is unrequited. All of it.

Poor Ivanova.

 

[SPCTRE]

All love is unrequited. All of it.

Poor Ivanova.

 

[Australis]

Well. I've often had the "Oh, A, I just want to be your friend" conversation. That sucks, and sucks pretty hard.

OTOH, I was talking with a workmate about school one time, and I realised suddenly, from rereading things said and looking between the lines, that a girl had a crush on me, and I was completely clueless. What rubbed salt in the wound was it took me 18 years to figure this out. Ladies, do not underestimate how clueless guys can be.

And another time, different workplace, a girl, for real, said to me, "Hey, if you and your wife split up, let me know." One of the few times in my life I've been completely flummoxed and tongue tied.

 

[Kestra]

I actually still feel weird about the way things ended with one of my friends. We were good friends in high school, and a few people told me he liked me but I thought he was just being a nice guy. I had a boyfriend I was in love with and he knew that. Then I went to college and my roommate (a girl who had only known me a few days) heard him leave a message on our answering machine. She immediately asked, "Who is that? He sounds like he's in love with you."

Sure enough, when he came to visit me a few weeks later he told me he was in love with me. I didn't return his feelings but I didn't laugh in his face or anything. Soon after he found out I had started dating someone else and yelled at me on the phone for dating someone so soon after breaking up with my last boyfriend.

Couple years later, I was on the el with some friends when a lady looked over at me and asked me what college I went to. She then asked if my name was Rakhee, and I was totally confused. She told me that she had met some guy on a train a few years ago and he had talked about me at great length and showed her a picture of me. "From the way he talked about you, I knew I'd remember your face." That weirded me out a bit. Our friendship did not end well, but it was more about what the situation brought out in his personality than anything else.

 

[Cheapjack]

I had a girl follow me back to my flat and wake me up at six o clock in the morning. It was scary that she managed to find out where I lived, I would be hopeless at doing that. She gave up, when I wouldn't answer the door, though. She was about six foot six with gigantic hands.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I won't go so far as to call it unrequited love, but i was told that a female coworker had the total hots for me and wanted to get in my pants. I had no idea. I was completely oblivious to it. Don't get me wrong; she wasn't bad looking but you know, not what i was looking for.

 

[HighteeHeller]

Oh i remember this one guy who stalked me years ago. He would actually break into my house to feed my cat. At least thats what he told me he was doing.

 

[Mr Awe]

Anyways, afterwards me and the major crush exchanged several long-as-shit e-mails about my issues leading up to the fiasco, thought processes, whatever. . . . . so I cut the e-mail chatter. Talking gets you nowhere, it's all about time, baby.

This is an important lesson that I agree with completely, not just for unrequited love but life in general.

Often it appears that people think that if they can make the letter longer, it gets more powerful. That if you can just elaborate the crucial bits, you'll make your points.

In reality, it's more of a sign that you're fighting a losing (or at least unwinnable) battle. And, longer usually translates to weaker as well because no one wants to read a novel on that type of subject.

Typically, it's better to cut your losses and bail or, if you absolutley must continue writing, to keep it short and pithy to give it that extra punch.

Mr Awe

 

[ITL]

I once turned down a lass (a friend of a friend) who in no uncertain terms told me she was in love with me. When I told her it wasn't to be (she was a nice lass, but I really wasn't interested), her face just sank and she got really embarrassed about the whole thing.

I felt like a complete bastard for ages after that.