TOS Caption Contest #276: Balance of Captions

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Sorry for the repeated delays, life is busy, but here comes a new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Advanced Technology" Award, going to:

Captain, the check engine light just came on.

Next, we have the "Wishful Thinking" Award, going to:

SHATNER: I just talked to Gene, Season 4 is a lock!

Next, we have the "Only in the 23rd Century" Award, going to:

There's something you would never see on Next Generation.

Next, we have the "Personal Technology" Award, going to:

Babe #210: Please swipe credit card...Thank you.

Next, we have the "Incomprehensible" Award, going to:

Kirk: What happened?
Mudd: He tried to comprehend all the posts on the Trekbbs.

SHATNER: Okay, so I got the Green Berets shoot extended. Pay up, Walter.

Many thanks to everyone who participated! Congrats to our winners!

Here we go again!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: Do you, Ensign Insert Name Here,

Rand: (thinking) Dang, I thought he knew who they were.

Scotty: Captain, shouldn't we be finishing the wedding ceremony?

Kirk: Just a minute Scotty...

Uhura: Now hear this, the Final Score: 49ers 34, Vikings 14.

Shatner: Leonard, why are you in my chair?

Nimoy: According to the recent character popularity ratings, it's OUR chair now.

Uhura: My foot will open up hailing frequencies with your butt if you don't stop staring at me.

Spock: Although it makes no sense whatsoever, I'm here in the weapons room. Plot hole, anyone?

 

[Nerys Myk]

SHATNER: Someone tell that lighting tech he's fired!

SHATNER: Damn it. An American team won the Stanley Cup again!

KIRK: Out of the chair.

SULU: Since when can she drive?

SPOCK: And would you say you agree, disagree, strongly agree or strongly disagree?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "Kirk to Scott!"
Scotty: "Right here, Captain!"
Kirk: "...My God, Mr. Scott, have you upgraded the intercom system? It sounds like you're right here with me!"

Uhura: "You lose somethin' over here, Hondo?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

SULU: Hey, Uhura. You're navigating. You don't have to look at the screen to plot a course.

 

[Maurice]

Thanks for the award!

RAND: What the--?
KIRK: It's my "Kirk-light". Don't ask.

KIRK: What do you mean "the NSA has been monitoring all our intercom chats"?

KIRK: What's wrong with this picture, Spock?"
SPOCK: That you're harshing my mellow... sir.

SULU: You're a sight for sore eyes.
UHURA: Speaking of sore eyes: if you want two shiners, keep gawking, creep.

SPOCK: So that's two cheeseburgers "animal style", fries and two medium drinks. Your order number is 1701.

 

[Gecko of Gorn]

Kirk: .....and yada yada yada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Now, as per Starfleet double secret regulations, I hereby invoke the Captain's right of Primae Noctis.

 

[Isis]

Kirk: "That tribble on your head is making a mockery of this ceremony."

Martine: "Excuse me, Sir, but that's my maid of honor you just insulted."

 

[Isis]

Kirk: "That tribble on your head is making a mockery of this ceremony."

Martine: "Excuse me, Sir, but that tribble on your head is making a mockery of this ceremony."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Kirk: "Went to the Ross Geller school of tooth bleach, did we?"

Kirk: "Captain's Log: Stardate 3120.4. 430 crewmembers, one toilet, Spock was at the head of the queue after an all night plomeek burrito bender. He's been in there for the last half hour, infrequently screaming 'Occupado, occupado!" I'm next in the queue. Suggest to Starfleet that a full time psychiatric counsellor be assigned to all vessels."

Kirk: "I do not!"
Spock: "Yes you... do. It is most ill... .... logical. I shall now demonstate the Captainly poses you assume with which you radiate awesomeness."
Kirk: "Oh good grief!"

Sulu: "It won't go."
Uhura: "It will."
Sulu: "There's not enough room."
Uhura: "There is enough room. Look..."

THUNK

"It's in. See?"
Sulu: "I'm not explaining the dent in the nacelles to Mr Scott."

Spock: "There, what do you think?"
Styles: "Where are our clothes?"
Spock: "Artistic license."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Kirk: That tribble on your head is making a mockery of this ceremony.

Tomlinson: And the curtains don't even match the drapes.

Rand: Awk-WARD!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "It's always a joyous occasion whenever a young man decides he loves the milk so much he wants to buy the cow..."
Rand (thinking): "Yikes!"

 

[bbjeg]

Thanks for the win!

Kirk: ...until death do you part... But I wouldn't worry, your shirt's not red.

Scotty: Take your time sir, there's only a line forming behind you.

Spock: Be glad this isn't NuTrek, you never would have replaced me as Captain.

 

[BoredShipCapt'n]

Kirk: "... and just for the record, I was never invited to officiate at Sulu's."

Spock: "You resigned your commission, sir."
Kirk: "Dammit, Spock, I was drunk!"
Spock: "Starfleet regulations clearly state that voluntary intoxication does not negate..."
Kirk: "To blazes with regulations! Those chairbound paper-pushers have never had a good buzz!"

Spock: "And your job is to sit and stare at a single button? Very good. I believe this downsizing project may prove easier than I anticipated."

Uhura: "There! The controls are responding much faster since I deleted all that stupid porn of yours."
Sulu: "You take a lot of chances, Lieutenant."

Scott: "Captain, we canna begin the dance party until ye switch it off Rush Limbaugh!"
Kirk: "Only an hour and twenty minutes left, Scotty."
Intercom: "...bunch of Vulcans and Andorians coming in and taking jobs away from decent, hardworking Earth people!"

Kirk: "Since the days of the first wooden vessels ... and that reminds me, I really need a leak."
Rand: (whispering) "Inappropriate, sir."

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW, Leadhead!

Kirk: The cross? Yeah, some kid named JJ thought it needed beefing up. Gave it some shoulder muscles.

Spock: This is my spot. You can't sit in my spot.
Kirk: Who are you now, Sheldon Cooper?
Spock: Naturally. That would make you Leonard, Captain.
Kirk: - You're Leonard.
Spock: No, I'm Sheldon, you're Leonard.
Kirk: Bones?
Spock: Kuthrapali, perhaps you should explain it to him.
Sulu: I know he's not looking at me just because I'm Asian.
Chekov: Vell? The Volovitz mop vas a Russian inwention.

Live Long and Prosper, Leonard Nimoy. Here you are, an autographed copy of my book I Am Not Spock.

Crewman: Do the death grip! Do the death grip!

Kirk: Sulu, how close can we get to that black hole before it swallows us up?

Uhura: You better navigate your nose back to the outer space, mister. I'll space bitch slap an Ensign.

Kirk: This is the captain. There's something out on the wing. That is all.

Scotty: We don't even have a wing, sir!

 

[Gecko of Gorn]

Spock: Gentlemen. It's that time of the week. Your calls, if you please.

Crewman 1: What's "Omnipotent Being" paying?

Spock: 2 to 1.

Crewman 2: How about "Klingon Attack"?

Spock: 5 to 1.

Crewman 1: "Romulan Threat"?

Spock: Erm, even money.

Crewman 1: Screw it, I'll take the high end on "Crazy Officer" at 5 to 1 and "Get it on Cappie" just to cover the risk.

Spock: (mumbling) Sucker.

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Eenie meenie miney mo

RAND: Is that part of the ceremony?

KIRK: Nah, I'm trying to figure out which one's gonna die by the third act.

SCOTTY: You're never gonna win those concert tickets, Captain.

 

[BoredShipCapt'n]

Scotty: "Captain, are you all right? We're all a bit worried about you."

Kirk: "Quiet, Mr. Scott.... This is deeper and more satisfying than anything I've ever experienced."

Intercom speaker: "Cellophane flowers... of yellow! and green! Towering OOOOOVER your head!...."

 

[T'Girl]

.

Spock: "Have you tried turning it off, then turning it back on again?"

Riker: "Uhura, get us out of orbit."

Uhura: "Yes Sir." (veers towards planet)

Sulu: "Oh shit."

 

[IzzyAtWarp9]

Thanks for the win!

Rand: (thinking) One day that'll be us...

Spock: My replicator or yours?
Kirk: Some day, but not today