TOS Caption Contest #275: I, Caption

[LeadHead]

Hello Everyone! You have been patient, so it is now time for a new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Legal Communications" Award, going to:

SCOTTY: Well?
UHURA: I've just received restraining orders for you from Mira Romain, Carolyn Palamas, and the entire female population of Argelius II.

Next, we have the "What a strange person" Award, going to:

Tal: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Kirk: Is there someone else we can talk to?
Tal: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Next, we have the "Helping out a friend" Award, going to:

McCoy: "He's suffering from severe sexual anxiety. I strongly recommend you opt for something less thigh revealing and dispense with those high boots--one of his major turn-ons."
Commander: "Really? Intriguing. I'll be sure to put on something more comfortable then. Spock, you're with me."

* Spock and the commander leave *

McCoy: "Jim, you're really sure about this?"
Kirk: "Bones, Spock hasn't gotten any in a very long while and I know him--he'll never figure out the zipper system on those thick twill uniforms."

Next, we have the "Logic has some advantages..." Award, going to:

Spock: Your tongue is logical.

Next, we have the "Got any other bright ideas?" Award, going to:

Spock: "Yes, Dr. Marcus is still coming on board today. And no, I do not think that disguise will fool her."

Now, this is a special award for me to give. I've been running Caption Contests here on the TrekBBS for nearly 4 years now. I've gotten my more than my fair share of kind words, thanks and attention from casual posters, regular caption contest players and mods, but I admit I let out a big smile when T'Bonz commented on this caption in the last contest. So the "T'Bonz Approves!" Award, goes to:

COMMANDER: Can you get me Kirk's phone number?

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Spock: "Captain ... Jim ... it's been over for years, you need to stop calling Carol Marcus for ex-sex.

These two fought it out in my brain and I couldn't choose between them. So they both win!

Scotty: "So, when are you free?"
Uhura: "Why don't you get my appointment book? It's behind that door marked 'airlock'."

And....

McCoy: That's strange, you walked into the room Commander and all the blood drained from his head.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, we caption some from one of my favorite episodes. Gotten many laughs from this one.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: Report Mister Sulu.

Sulu: Confirmed, Sir. Offsides.

Kirk: Uhura, signal the 5 yard penalty.

Uhura: Aye, Sir.

Spock: We're on strike, Captain. Get lost.

Chekov tried desperately to get within transporter range and leave the planet.

Spock: I'd try a mind meld, but I doubt it would be any more effective.

Kirk: If.......you.....don't........release......the.......ship......I'll.......keep......doing.....this....

Norman: I give up!

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Uhura make a note to Starfleet. Although sparing the crew the discomfort of PDSA, pornoscopes are still a constant distraction for navigation and science stations. Not recommended for next class of starship. Perhaps a self-cleaning room of some kind.

Uhura: PDSA sir?

Kirk: Public Display of Self Affection. Right Sulu?

Sulu: Course...laid in, sir....

Kirk: Ok the I Hate Sulu meeting can get started. Who goes first?

Scotty: I take it back, lad. Vodka farts are more powerful than whisky farts. But give me a sheep's bladder and I'll squeeze ye out a bonnie tune.

Babe #210: Please swipe credit card...Thank you.

Kirk: Everything an intern tells you is a lie. Remember that! Everything an intern tells you is a lie!

 

[Maurice]

Thanks for the win!

SULU: I've located Dr. McCoy, sir. He's outside, attaching his name to the opening credits.

SHATNER: Okay, so I got the Green Berets shoot extended. Pay up, Walter.

CHEKOV: And dat's how ve got into space first.
SCOTTY: Borgas FART!

210: Vulcanian massages are...crap.

KIRK: Why, Norman, Harry tells me he finds your visible panty line quite attractive.
NORMAN: Bzzzzzzt!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Kirk: "Is the magnifier working correctly, Mr. Sulu? Can you see your control buttons clearly now?"
Sulu: "Yes, sir! Working fine, sir!"
Uhura: "Why don't you just wear eyeglasses, you vain twit?"

Kirk: "Well, everybody seem very jovial! What did I miss?"
Scotty: "Several highly derogatory jokes at your expense, sir!"

Chekov: "I love des low-gravity planets! Dis is a m*****f***** on Earth!"

Spock: "This is a highly-renowned Vulcan seduction technique."
Alice #210 (unimpressed): "I am a machine."
Spock: "That's what it works best on."

Kirk: "I've seen this before. Probably, Lieutenant Uhura's velour uniform has shrunk a bit too much."

 

[Push The Button]

Captain, the check engine light just came on.

McCoy: Oh yeah, it's a rug all right...damn, he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Chekov wasn't much of a navigator, but boy could he dance!

Fortunately, I minored in chiropracty at the Vulcan Science Academy.

Kirk: Who designed this piece of junk, Daystrom?
Mudd: No, it was some guy named Soong, I think.
Kirk: I hope it's still under warranty.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: Tell me where you hid all my CDs.

KIRK: They sure don't make them like they used to. The androids on Exo III were made of sterner stuff.

SHATNER: I just talked to Gene, Season 4 is a lock!

KIRK: Don't we have sensors or something for targeting enemy ships? Why manual controls?

SULU: Give me a break! It gives me something to do, beyond saying "course laid in"!

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Norman: "B.C. bud this is a very good Strain, ahhhhh

Harry Mudd: "Sold!!!!!!"

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Aha! I've outwitted yet another mechanical device, aha!
Android: Kill me now!
Kirk: Come to think of it, the yeomen say the same thing....

 

[IzzyAtWarp9]

Sulu: Captain, someone seems to have replaced the buttons on this console with M&Ms...

Captain's log: After deciding that just saying 'course laid in, Captain' didn't bring anything to the series, Sulu has been fired. However, it turns out he atually is the only one who knows how to fly the ship so we're stuck on this godforsaken planet until we complete the teach yourself course from the computer. All 500 levels.
Computer: Red means stop and green means...?
Chekov: I miss Sulu!

There's something you would never see on Next Generation.

Spock: Spock to replicator room. I seem to have been sent the wrong post - this barbie doll does not fit in my hand as you advertised.

Norman: ERMEGHERD IT'S WILLIAM SHATNER!!

 

[Mistral]

Kirk: "Ah, Harry-is he supposed to be smoking like that?"

Mudd: "Kirk, gimme a break-he's a prototype. We'll have the bugs smoothed out before we go into production. Now, how many can I put you down for?"

 

[JirinPanthosa]

SULU: Captain, I can't tell what this machine is supposed to be, so I'm having trouble coming up with good technobabble.

Kirk was the last one on the ship to figure out Galtarian males look exactly like human females. Nobody said anything.

A clip from the never before seen Star Trek Christmas special.

Leonard Nimoy grudgingly agreed to appear in the network executive's niece's fanfic video.

KIRK: How tight are they?
NORMAN: So tight my head is about to explode!

 

[Nerys Myk]

SULU: Sorry, sir. The images on those screens are static, I can't change them.

 

[Crazy Eddie]

KIRK: This cloud... it has some kind of anatomy. The opening where we were drawn in seems to have closed. But there's another opening up there on top. Sulu, see if you can fly us out the opening on the other side.
SULU: Ohhhhh myyyyyy....

KIRK: <sniff sniff> Holy <sniff> Oh good lord!
McCOY: Wasn't me.
CHEKOV: He who smelt it dealt it...
SPOCK: Logically, ensign, he who has denied it supplied it.
UHURA: ...

My thoughts to your thoughts... my mind to your mind... pimpin aint easy... pimpin aint easy...

Kirk: "Dude, you smoked that whole thing by yourself?"
Norman: "Naw, man... thisss issss some good sssssshit!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

TATRO: What's that smell? Like something burning.

SHATNER: Here's a hint Richard, don't piss off the lighting crew.

 

[Triskelion]

Spock: You have the perfect amount of lowered expectations for a Vulcan.

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Man your station, Sulu.
Uhura: You can't say that Captain. The law is you have to use gender neutral words now. You have to say "Operate that station."
Kirk: So I can't say "Helmsman?"
Uhura: No sir. You have to say "Helm."
Kirk: "Brinksmanship?"
Uhura: Brinksoneship.
Kirk: "Where no man has gone before?"
Uhura: Where no she-he has gone before.
Kirk: "Seamen?"
Uhura: ...I'll let Sulu handle that one, sugar.
Kirk: "Woman?"
Uhura: Wo-Person.
Kirk: "Balls to the wall?"
Uhura: Genitals to the wall.
Kirk: "Manhole?"

...

...

Sulu: Street vagina.

 

[T'Girl]

Android #210: "Not all machines have their genitals in the same place."

Spock: "I shall continue to attempt to locate yours."

 

[Timewalker]

Chekov: Vell, Kyptin? Vat do you tink our chances are on Dancing Vith the Stars?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Spock: "I find the way the rhythmic throbbing of your hydraulic fluid through this subcutaneous tubing mimics a human pulse fascinating."
Alice: "Oh, you silver-tongued devil, you."