Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #529: Doorways

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Acting 101" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:

PATRICK STEWART: Yes, I see the X. Sir Patrick Stewart doesn't NEED blocking.


Next, we have the "The shoe's on the other foot now" Award, going to Leviathan for:

Picard, Riker, Data, Troi, Crusher, LaForge <comms>: We're Under attack! Beam us back! NOW!
Yar: Security is in charge now. When one of you gets needlessly vaporized I'll energize.


Next, we have the "Don't cheat off of your neighbors screen" Award, going to Laura Cynthia Chambers for:

When you're doing schoolwork and pretending not to notice your seatmate...


Next, we have the "You'll have to stick with the other Riker manuever" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Ro: Hey, beardo! Not so keen to stand with your crotch thrust in his face I see!


Next, we have the "You made LeadHead's girlfriend LOL with this caption" award, going to Kick the Can for:

Data: Commander Riker has an interesting search history here. "How to get your coworkers to shut up"... "How to win an argument with an AI" ... "How to disable an android"..."How to short circuit a positronic network"... "How to buy an android-killing ray gun" .... "Best evil planets for selling used robot parts".... "How to convert an android head into a ashtray"... "How to go back in time and kill a mad scientist before he creates his invention" .... "How to go back in time and kill a mad scientist before he creates his invention, without creating a grandfather paradox...."

The award goes to Kaos - 5th Horseman of the Apocalypse for:

Cheif Engineer's Log: I've programmed Data's console to make cat noises when he presses buttons, as ordered. I've also programmed funny cat videos to randomly play on the main view screen.

Our KBL goes to shivkala for:

Picard: What do you mean it's not on TV? I have to sign up for yet another streaming service.

Yar: You would be supporting the franchise you claim to love, Sir.

Riker: Lt., when the Captain is ranting, you back him up! That's your job!


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, our crew traverse those dangerous sliding objects that were totally authentic and not opened with a rope by a stagehand.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: He's obviously not from the future, no breath ID system.

Worf: Captain, I believe 3 cases of my bloodwine were mistakenly delivered to your ready room. Have you seen them?

Picard: No time for that now, Mister Worf. The Ultra-Beagles are attacking the Cowboy planet!

Picard: Data, I don't understand why the ghost of Christmas past was Doctor Soong, Present was Lore and Future was someone named B-4.

Crusher: I discovered a new life form and installed locks on my medical lab. Don't tell RIker the code this time.

Picard: Wait! Instead of you two going on the dangerous away mission, I should go.

(Riker and Worf break into uncontrollable laughter)

 

[Jedman67]

PICARD: "Data, have you considered submitting your proposed uniform changes to Starfleet Command?"
DATA: "No sir, I have not."
PICARD: "THEN GO PUT ON A PROPER UNIFORM, COMMANDER!!"

PICARD: "Mr. Worf, I believe you are in my seat."
CRUSHER: (whispers) "Jean-Luc, you have the Captains chair. In the center."
PICARD: "GODDAMN IT Q! STOP BOSSING ME AROUND!!"
CRUSHER: "Come, let's go for a little nap, ok?"

 

[Smellincoffee]

Rasmussen: A doorway to the early 21st century! Enter if you dare.
...no one is curious?
Data: Does it not merely consist of people staring at phones and screaming at people who have different opinions?
Rasmussen: ...okay, fine. Post-WW3 21st century, then?
Picard: Now THAT sounds intriguing.

Picard: Also, Data, a question of accuracy -- I don't think Scrooge had a giant vault of gold coins he swam in.

Picard: STOP CONSPIRING!
Riker: Captain?
Picard: The first officer and the security officer whispering together, staring at the captain? Hah! I'm on to you, Will. Try to take this seat and I'll BURY YOU!
Riker: Cap-
Picard: I WILL BURY YOU!
Riker: First Officer's Log. The captain has clearly spent too much time this past week with Gowron managing the succession crisis.

 

[Jedman67]

Picard: Also, Data, a question of accuracy -- I don't think Scrooge had a giant vault of gold coins he swam in.

Instant win!

CRUSHER: "I've brought you a cup of Coffee, Captain."
PICARD: "TEA, DOCTOR, TEA! I always drink TEA. What kind of incompetent doctor are you, for crissakes??"
CRUSHER: "Jean luc, you're tired, and stressed. It's my job as CMO to ensure you get the proper treatment you deserve..."
PICARD: "Well I'm not having it; BEVERLY! Computer, Tea, Earl Gray, Hot!!"
COMPUTER: <beeps> "Double Raktajino, ready. Drink and Enjoy!"
PICARD: <runs screaming onto the bridge>

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Thanks!

Picard: "All right, who swapped out the helm and navigational seats for video gamer chairs?"
Crusher: "'Not I', said the doc."

Picard: "So you wear it to bed and it stimulates follicle growth overnight?"
Data: "While I am not exactly a billiard ball, sir, yes."

Riker: "We only need one more thing to make this an awkward moment, Worf; being observed by a third party who has no idea what we're talking about and misinterprets our exchange...and, there you go."

Riker: "You know, just because it's Vulcan technology doesn't mean you can meld with it."
Rasmussen: "Shhh. What's Vulcan for "can, too!"?"

Crusher: "Happy birthday, Jean-Luc!"
Picard (off screen): "Thanks. Put it over here with the other sixteen."
Crusher: *sigh* "4 quadrants, numerous parallel realities, and I still can't find a unique gift..."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard: "And stop fucking farting in there! It doesn't ventilate well. Counselor Troi almost passed out this morning."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RASMUSSEN: Oh, fyi? Not saying what's gonna happen but you might want to back up Data every few weeks.

GEORDI: How long were they in there this time Worf? I believe it was 44 minutes.
WORF: You win the pool.

PICARD: Interesting take on Scrooge, what made you think of portraying him with the mannerisms of a Ferengi?
DATA: Based on my knowledge of 20th century humans, it seemed to be the closest parallel.

BEVERLY: My cotton candy experiment finished 24 hours faster than usual, I can't wait to share it with Jean-Luc!

PICARD: Oh, by the way, can we stop pretending the turbolift is a futuristic invention? It's an elevator. A freaking elevator.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Rasmussen: For the last time, it's not a T.A.R.D.I.S. Now, I have to figure out what happened to the chameleon circuit, this thing should look like a Police Box.

Worf: I win, Lt. I told you they were having sex. Clearly they have done so to the point where the Captain cannot walk straight.

LaForge: Don't I know it! I'm like that every night and twice on Tuesdays!

Worf: Lying is without honor!

Picard: There is an ancient French word for someone who dresses like that. You're a twat, Data.

Data: Sir, I believe that is a British expression.

Picard: British, French...after World War III, it's practically the same thing!

Crusher: Latest delivery from Adam and Eve, Captain! This month, their theme is tribbles!

Worf: Sir, I must insist, you are the higher ranking officer, it is only right for you to enter the turbolift first.

Riker: Yes, Lt., but you were here first, so therefore it is only proper for you to go first.

Picard: You've been arguing for the past five minutes, one of you go first or you'll both be scrubbing the head with sonic toothbrushes!

 

[CorporalCaptain]

T4TKBL @LeadHead from a contest ago!

Beverly: Good news, Jean-Luc! Starfleet medical has approved a new treatment for men of your age with waning interest.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Relax, the both of you. Deanna's going to the dance with me.

 

[Triskelion]

Rasmussen: Due to the temporal prime directive, I can only allow one of you entrance into my space Caddy. And yes, in the 24th century, we still abide by the unwritten book of the road.
Everybody: Data.
Data: ...? OK

Picard: Mister Worf, did LaForge install a hydraulic bounce system on the ship?
Worf: Yes sir.
Picard: Splendid....
Worf: I told him the money would be better spent on job interview clothes, but he said he already had a full time job being "his damn self".

Picard: Interesting choice, playing Scrooge as a hillbilly from West Virginia.
Data: Sir, I'm not from West Virginia.
Picard: You're not?
Data: No, sir. I perjured myself. And I lied, too.
Picard: Why did you pick West Virginia?
Data: I don't know. It was the first exotic place that popped into my head.
Picard: Well then, where are you from?
Data: Isn't the accent obvious?
Picard: You mean you're from...
Data: New Yugoslavia.
Picard: ...Of course.

Beverly: You never support my ideas, Jean Luc! Genital toupée house parties are so a valid business idea!

Picard: Ahh, that awkward moment at ze end of ze night, when ze two young lovers chance on a parting kiss - what?
Riker: Must you do the Jacques Cousteau shtick right now?

 

[Herbert]

Crusher: I found the recipe in the replicator. They were called Snowballs

 

[Herbert]

Riker: Where are we going?
Picard: Yes, where are you going?
Riker: umm, Worf created a new.........calisthenics program! Yeah, that's it.
Worf: <under his breath> You shore got a purdy mouth
Riker: Shh, not now

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: If you're going to Ten Forward, bring me back a slushee. Red. No grape! No red! Or grape! But if they have both get red! It's more commanding if my tongue matches my outfit. Also, purple makes me look like a Q.
Riker: Actually we were going to do some...holodeck calisthenics.
Picard: I don't want to know about whatever the kids are calling it these days!
Riker: No - it's actual calisth -
Picard: DON'T ASK DON'T TELL! AND DON'T FORGET MY SLUSHEE!
<door closes>
Picard: NO, GRAPE!

 

[Captain pl1ngpl0ng]

Data: whats going on?
Worf: picard just order to shut down the mambo night-club environment at the holodeck. He seems furious..
Data: oh... yes, i saw that unfortunate leak from his personal quarters on the internet.
Worf: that was...pretty bad...

 

[inflatabledalek]

TFTW LH!

Stewart: OK, Why is Robbie Williams bound and gagged on the floor over there?

Frewer: He's... having a nap?

Picard: Christ, feel these walls... this ship ain't half made of some cheap shit.

Data: And of course, I based my performance on the greatest Scourge. A 20th century British actor who was knighted and did a series of superhero films as a wise old mentor.

Michael Caine.

Crusher: Hi Jean Luc, remember when I asked you to help trim my bush?

Picard: How is there a turbo lift always there anyway? Do we have thousands of the buggers aboard, weighing the ship down, just because we can't wait a minute for the elevator despite our evolved sensibilities?

 

[Leviathan]

TFTW!

Picard: Awwwwww. It's not bigger on the inside.

 

[Leviathan]

...in the 24th Century 'Sleep Mode' for Android was still complicated.

 

[Leviathan]

Riker: The lift refuses to play 'Love in an Elevator'. We're not going anywhere `till starfleet gets proper musak.