At this ungodly hour, I am reading the back of the Hershey's Syrup container that I have just poured over my ice cream. Not the whole thing, mind you, but enough to cover it quite tastily. I could not help but notice that the nutrition facts give a lowly 2 tablespoons worth of information. I asked the empty room, "Who puts only two tablespoons of Hershey's Syrup over a bowl of ice cream?" and the room answered back, "Nobody in THIS house!" Actually, it was a tad disconcerting that the room answered back, but then again I've taken so many drugs tonight that when the wife threw the flashlight at me for bogarting the last hit, I thought it was Halley's frickin' Comet come 'round again...
Also noticed a sign, "Questions or comments about this product, call toll-free weekdays 9-4 ET 1-800-468-1714". Now I gotta stay awake 5 more hours. Inconsiderate wankers. I intend to bring up the two tablespoons issue. I need more than that to cover the half gallon of ice cream that I've just scooped into a mixing bowl. When you've got a serious case of the munchies, a few scoops just won't do. I was also gonna ask how Hershey's Syrup affects hardened arteries. My aorta is stiffer than a garden hose outside in winter.
And "refrigerate after opening"? Are you kidding me? Cold syrup flows so slowly that your ice cream will be all melted before you can dig in. It defies all common sense. Asshats. And when you've got the attention span of a five-year-old, then you...what, oh look, something shiny. What? Never mind.
Ohhhhh...what BOOKS are we reading, is that what you meant? Whoops, my bad. Continue. (scarf, scarf, scarf, belch)