Ruler of the World thread

[Deranged Nasat]

To His Benevolent Majesty Eyes of Kazakhstan,

As this is the first official diplomatic contact between our nations, let me express my hopes that this strong start to our relationship proves the model for future interaction. Your proposal, as offered, is both fair and intriguing, as well as impressive in its vision. The Archon will gladly enter into alliance with a country so dedicated to improving its holdings through honest means. As my own people struggled to build our new cities in formally barren wasteland, so do we honour your attempts to restore life to the desolate, spoiled regions of your ever-expanding realm. Your offer of alliance is therefore accepted, as is your caviar-for-ice offer. Let a new age of cooperation and friendship begin on this date.

Several ice floes are being readied for transport as I write. These can be floated out to sea, where your vessels can receive them and load them on board ready for the rest of the journey, and their meltage into liquid state. Your generous gift of caviar will be received with great thanks, and we will also accept your offer of peasants. Their citizenship in my realm will be assured - along with my Japanese and the other refugees, it will help boost the human/penguin ratio more in favour of us non-flippered types. I can't have the penguins getting ideas above their station...

I look forward to viewing the re-filled Aral Sea.

Your respectful ally, His Insectile Supremeness Archon Deranged Nasat.

 

[Miss Chicken]

People, please excuse me, if I don't post in this thread much over the next couple of days. I am not very well.

I grant any requests I haven't already granted.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Aw. We hope you feel better soon.

Your offer is most generous. We have the highest respect for your nation and its forward-thinking approach to global issues. As our own technological base is far less advanced, we welcome your cooperation. Your terms are accepted, and your exploration/scientific teams may be dispatched at your convenience. I must cautiously add, however, that the frozen shapeshifting alien known as The Thing remains national property- as you requested, though, any traces of its ship or other technology will be turned over to you. You'll do far better with it than us, anyway.

Your terms are acceptable. Super New England is pleased to be allied with you. A Science Team of Science Investigators will be dispatched straightaway to commence Science Studies. The team will consist of several distinguished middle-aged professors, some genetically engineered humaniform cat people and a number of androids indistinguishable from humans (i.e. Fembots-- who, unlike inferior European females, are perfectly capable of capering about naked in Antarctica). We will keep you apprised of all Science Findings.

Long live Super New England (seriously, how are those immortality serums coming along?)

So far, so good. We'll find out eventually, I suppose.

 

[TheGodBen]

The Confederation welcomes both of your proposals, though we worry that the less civilized cultures living beyond European soil will find the name of our organization too difficult for their primitive tongues to pronounce.

I'm not one that normally tries to appease the savages from outside Europe, but in this case, perhaps we should rename our organisation into something they can more easily pronounce. How about, the Domain of European Regional Partnerships, or DERP?

To His Smugness, the Imperator, the Godfrey Steven Benn,

Your support is much appreciated, and I will immediately reclassify your great and visionary nation as a friend and ally. Sadly, I cannot permit my own human citizens to enjoy the benefits of nudism, due to the below-freezing temperatures my realm often "enjoys". However, we acknowledge your forward-thinking approach to the issue, and are thankful that under your rule the beaches of Southern Europe are finally being put to the use God intended them for. Your embassy will be placed at my Galapagos colonies, where your people can continue to express their religion without fear of frostbite. As for the second part of your message- the acknowledgement of your continent's superiority- I submit that you need no reassurance from me, Your Smugness. For your sense of superiority requires no boost from your allies, so great and secure it already is.

Your respectful ally, His Insectile Supremeness, Archon Deranged Nasat.

Insectile Supremeness,

The people of the Western Mediterranean Union are glad to have made peace with you and your people, and we are happy to hear that our embassy has been placed in a warm climate with many beaches. Our ambassador will be particularly pleased to hear this as he gets dreadfully ashamed in the cold.

We are saddened to hear that the climate in Antarctica hinders the spread of Nudism. In order to help your climate become more suitable, I have ordered all factories and power stations in the WMU to increase production in order to speed up global warming. I have also ordered my head diplomat to organise an conference so that the international community can create a treaty designed to increase carbon emissions. The good people of this world cannot allow the people of Antarctica suffer any longer.

While I welcome your attempts to colonise the savage Falkland Islands, I must temper our friendship with the warning that attempts by your empire to expand into Europe will not be tolerated. Europe is for Europeans, not savages, and while we will allow some skilled savages into our continent to work, we will not allow savage powers to gain a foothold in our continent. Confine your colonisation efforts outside the European sphere of influence and we will have no problems.

Yours tipsily,
Imperator The Godfrey Steven Benn.

Imperator The Godfrey Steven Benn (by the saints that is...not unexpected)

I salute you and the proud WMU that is a shining light unto the world. Your gifts of both moral support and engineers is greatly appreciated and I will make sure that they return with the finest whiskey as a token of my great esteem.
I feel that it is time for our two great Unions to enter into a more formal alliance which will hopefully result in excellent trading opportunities and the creation of a more peaceful globe.

I hope that you will agree with me and I look forward to cementing our friendship.

I raise a pint of the other black stuff in your honour good sir,
Supreme Taoisearch Thor Damar

Supreme Taoiseach,

The people of the WMU wish to thank your for your gift of your finest whisky, I have been bathing in it all evening, as is the custom for eccentric emperors such as myself.

I welcome this formal alliance between our peoples, and I can assure you that I will do everything in my power to undermine the peace between you and the Dominion of England so that you may take control of their land and teach them a lesson or two.

I would like to offer an invitation for the RUC to join the Union of European nations, DERP. You will lose some of your sovereign powers, but there are many advantages to joining, the main one being the open market which will allow you to import naughty pictures from the WMU without the excessive tariffs. I'm sure that you are aware that naughty pictures are a key factor in economic growth, so your empire should benefit greatly.

Yours tired and emotionally,
Imperator The Godfrey Steven Benn.

Last night, the Confederation received an urgent request from the former French province of Alsace. It appears that with the loss of France's central government, those regions left behind have fallen into anarchy. Fortunately the southern regions were stabilized thanks to the Godfrey Steven Benn, but the central and northeastern provinces haven't been so lucky.

Because of Alsace's ancient ties with the CEC's primarily Germanic population, they have petitioned for membership in the Confederation, and we've gladly accepted, pending Miss Chicken's approval. As the Alsatian population was only slightly over 1 million before their society collapsed, it's likely the chaos has thinned its numbers somewhat, ensuring that the population of the CEC does not grow too much.

The WMU supports this humanitarian annexation, since the fall of the central French government, my northern border has been overrun with refugees. Something must be done in the region to assist the poor people left behind, there is a severe wine and cheese shortage that has left many people there slightly annoyed. I wish that the WMU could intervene to help the people of central France, but their lack of a coastline means that the WMU has no business in most of the region. Should Miss Chicken allow it, we could take control of Poitou-Charentes and Pays-de-la-Loire for humanitarian reasons, but that would increase our population by 5.2 million.

Luckily, the Spanish and Italian central governments are stable for now, although there is worrying noise about the possibility of Basque separatist actions.

 

[Captain Ice]

The REA is most pleased with the deal that has been offered by the Confederation. The first convoy should be arriving in port sometime tonight.

Wise and Benevolent Miss Chicken, The government of the REA has been given a petition, signed by the governmental leaders of Maryland, Louisiana, Arkansas, West Virginia, and Kentucky demanding to be let into the REA. apparently the majority of the people in these fine states miss their Southern brethren in the REA and wish to join them under REA rule. We have tentatively accepted their request, pending your approval.

Also, the governor of the fair state of Florida wants it known to all that all beaches on the Gulf side of the state are heretofore clothing optional and clothing is either optional or banned outright on all beaches in the Keys barring Miss Chicken's private island.

MLB, this office has also been contacted by representatives from your Yankees and Mets organization. They wish to have an open travel/trade agreement between your people and ours for the purposes of a baseball league which would include both of them, as well as our Braves, Rays, and Marlins. Also, they have requested a proviso in the agreement to allow them to own and use facilities in Florida for spring training. What are your thoughts?

 

[Skywalker]

All this talk of baseball just reminded me that I took over a soccer-loving and baseball-hating territory. What have I done?!

 

[AstroSmurf]

The fabulous Great Britain is now in possession of plasma warheads. (And RJ thought he had smarties in his domain. Suck it!) And to be sure they pay proper homage to the grand Miss Chicken I have personally designed cute black fur bomb cozies for each of them. So all you bloody wankers need to be prepared for our rain of fire... which will most certainly fall in style.

I hope my itchy trigger finger will be adequately occupied with a cup of tea and a biscuit. If not... oops.

 

[MANT!]

Since no one has claimed them..

Oh Benevolent Miss Chicken,I'd like your permission to annex all remaining portions of South America..

Captain Calhoun, I'd like to propose a Non-Aggression Pact between the ITFF and The Federated Republic of Brazil... as a first step towards Alliance

 

[Captain Ice]

REA scientists have developed a new, laser guided railgun capable of taking out a city block at 25 miles. These weapons are quickly being deployed to every vessel of light cruiser size or larger. Aircraft carrier airwings are being equiped with the laser guidance device.

I'm told that a new, highly advanced laser based anti-missile system is being tested somewhere in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia and will be able to be deployed 4th quarter of this year. This device is said to be capable of destroying a missile's warheads while the missile is at up to 45,000 feet and 5 miles away.

RJ, might I suggest a North American Military Alliance?

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

Is the rest of the American Southwest spoken for? If not, i'd like that. Also, i claim Mexico as well.

 

[Skywalker]

I hate to be "that guy," but the entire continent of South America has way more than 50 million people--heck, Brazil itself has way more, IIRC.

And there are over 100 million people in Mexico, too.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I am aware of that. So?

 

[RJDiogenes]

The fabulous Great Britain is now in possession of plasma warheads. (And RJ thought he had smarties in his domain. Suck it!)

Super New England is in possession not only of super-futuristic weaponry, but super-futuristic defenses-- including a swarm of Micro Black Holes which patrols our skies. Speaking of 'suck it,' that's what would happen to your warheads.

RJ, might I suggest a North American Military Alliance?

A great suggestion. Between your Blue Ridge Lasers and my Micro Black Hole Swarms, we should be able to keep all aggressors at bay. We're also working on force fields.

Also, the governor of the fair state of Florida wants it known to all that all beaches on the Gulf side of the state are heretofore clothing optional and clothing is either optional or banned outright on all beaches in the Keys barring Miss Chicken's private island.

Clothing is optional on all beaches, parks, rooftops, main streets, back roads, forest trails, highways and byways of Super New England. Even our singularities are naked.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Even our singularities are naked.

Oh, good one.

 

[RJDiogenes]

 

[Miss Chicken]

I have decided to allow people to increase their populations to 100 million people.

So make your claims and I will sort them all out in a couple of days time (when I am hopefully feeling less ill).

 

[captcalhoun]

the ITFF gratefully accepts our expansion at the benevolant Miss Chicken's hand.

We also accept the proposal of non aggression and alliance from Brazil.

We would like to purchase some of Super New England's spiffy weaponry and defence systems to protect our borders and to equip our strategic bomber fleet. in return we offer access to our territory for paleotological expeditions and possible scientific research as well as a pledge of mutual defence. y'know, just in case you have a power failure and your missile shield breaks down...

 

[Captain Ice]

The REA would like to annex Maryland, West Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Pennsylvania under the new program, Miss Chicken

 

[AstroSmurf]

I have decided to allow people to increase their populations to 100 million people.

So make your claims and I will sort them all out in a couple of days time (when I am hopefully feeling less ill).

In that case, I would like to request Algeria and Morocco. That should round out my population cap nicely. Besides, no one has bothered with Africa and her vast resources so I want a piece of the pie... and the tourist trade along the Mediterranean coast.


And after taking my meds I decided that I didn't want to start a war. I think being benevolent (and ultimately sneaky) will get me what I want with minimal resources and loss of life. So, to that end, I am creating the Chicken School for Spies in Sussex. I am also willing to negotiate with other countries to loan out the Beatles (including clones of the deceased members) for your state dinner parties and birthdays.

(And RJ, everyone knows that an inverse graviton pulse would collapse those singularities. I will be happy to send my top scientist to help you come up with something to block the effects of such a beam on your defenses.)

 

[Eyes]

In that case, I shall complete my annexation of Central Asia by taking Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzistan and Tajikistan. That brings my population to about 56 million, so I'll swallow the pill and try to control Afghanistan also. Hopefully I can control that and prevent any Taliban-style groups from hiding in the mountains.

That brings total population to about 85 million. So in the interests of making myself look bigger on the map, I'll take Mongolia as well, if that's all right. It has a meagre population of only 3 million, as well as the bits of China between Kazakhstan and Mongolia, which have a tiny population. (Northern counties of Xinjiang). That rounds out my population nicely, and makes me look huge, which is always good.

As an aside to the Great Nasat, the Kingdom of Kazakhstan thanks you for your swift response and is in the process of receiving the first shipments of ice. With my consolidation of Central Asia, only Pakistan needs to be crossed as hostile territory, and that should be fine to guard the shipment across. I will continue to keep you informed as to the Aral Sea's status.