Personality vs Rules of Communication

[Servo]

You're a sharp bloke, I reckon you'll suss it out.

Funny how my post wasn't even directed at you, but you're the first one to jump on the defensive.

Nothing about my post was defensive, just pointing out that you are probably the last person who should consider himself an authority on good forum conduct.

Considering I barely make posts here anymore, and I've had 2 warnings in the nigh-on 12 years I've been posting here, I'm curious as to what you base that on.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

You saw the first question, Captain M, but I think you may have missed this one...

What is your motivation for always telling people when they have dissatisfied you?

When they do or say something I really don't like or something that offends me. I expect others to give me as good as I give and won't settle, if i'm out of line, I expect people to tell me. Fair?

OK...my next question is, are all of these things you don't like things that actually have an impact on you or do you any damage, or are they simply your personal preferences?

 

[Mr Silver]

You saw the first question, Captain M, but I think you may have missed this one...

When they do or say something I really don't like or something that offends me. I expect others to give me as good as I give and won't settle, if i'm out of line, I expect people to tell me. Fair?

OK...my next question is, are all of these things you don't like things that actually have an impact on you or do you any damage, or are they simply your personal preferences?

Mostly things that could do me damage or I find distasteful. I don't like "sick" humor, particulary if people are doing it around people who it could affect personally (aka, joking about a child's murder in the news and people who have kids or who've experienced that being present..trust me it happens).

I like people to be mindful of other peoples feelings, I try to do this myself as much as possible.

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

I see. What I was trying to see was whether it was something like that, or a need to be right, if someone messes up or does something that just isn't your preference. If someone's doing something injurious, then I think there's no problem with speaking up.

Berating someone because you don't care for their personal preferences, though, is a different matter. And it's also important to recognize when a person is not in an emotional state to receive advice; that's a mistake a lot of people make, too.

 

[RandyS]

I'm 100% perfection.

Really? I don't remember seeing you at any of the meetings.

 

[Sean Aaron]

I was confused at first, but I think I get where you're coming from. I think you posted a similar thread a couple of months ago. I really need to get to bed as well, but it would be remiss to answer an attempt to engage of this nature (is that sufficiently stiff?).

I'd be curious to know exactly what you're "holding back" actually. For myself I participate in a sci-fi book group here in Glasgow and I think the only person with whom I have a "competition" for dominance is the group leader. Not that I'm holding court or anything, but I have a bad habit (which I'll blame on being American), of talking A LOT when I'm on a subject I find interesting. I have to consciously check myself to avoid steamrolling people or interrupting and I think (hope) I'm largely successful (sometimes).

I've had occasion to be told by my ex at parties that people don't want to hear about whatever I'm going off on: evolutionary biology, spiders, whatever, but even if I can see someone glaze over I'm not bothered. I can do the small talk too and be polite, but if the topic swerves to something I'm keen on then all bets are off.

I guess it's the opposite of what you're talking about - we should socialise sometime!

 

[Kestra]

I'm 100% perfection.

Really? I don't remember seeing you at any of the meetings.

I'm a fraud.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I can relate with Captain M here, as I put a great deal of thought into social interactions. I will have a casual exchange with someone, and then I will think about that exchange for a few minutes and evaluate my role within it critically before moving on. I think most people do not put that level of thought into offhand remarks and comments.

 

[Mr Silver]

I can relate with Captain M here, as I put a great deal of thought into social interactions. I will have a casual exchange with someone, and then I will think about that exchange for a few minutes and evaluate my role within it critically before moving on. I think most people do not put that level of thought into offhand remarks and comments.

Where body language fails, thought prevails

 

[JoeZhang]

I can relate with Captain M here, as I put a great deal of thought into social interactions. I will have a casual exchange with someone, and then I will think about that exchange for a few minutes and evaluate my role within it critically before moving on. I think most people do not put that level of thought into offhand remarks and comments.

Bluntly - that sounds like a over the top and egotistical level of introspection to undertaken at a social event.

 

[LitmusDragon]

Bluntly - that sounds like a over the top and egotistical level of introspection to undertaken at a social event.

Some people really benefit from having a persona- autistics being the most obvious example. We mostly do this out of consideration for others (like Captain M said in his first post), if this is egotistical then whatever, we just can't win with you people can we? We're honest, you hate that. We placate you, you can't stand that either.

Anyway, I have no doubt that my persona has gotten me much farther than I would have gotten without it. I'm sorry if that offends you on some personal level.

 

[JoeZhang]

we just can't win with you people can we? We're honest, you hate that. We placate you, you can't stand that either.

"you people?"

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I think i've made a breakthrough with some of the questions i've had about my "public personality".

After mulling over a social get together the other day, I realised that I deliberately tone myself back. I've always been one who needs to take short breaks from the crowd in order to collect myself and my thoughts, but I was confused as to why I needed to do this if I was holding back around 50% of myself in most social situations.

I don't know how to word this in a way that doesn't sound arrogant, but i'm just going to do it. I tone back because a lot of people i've encountered get confused and cannot get onto my wave length and as a result i've toned myself back in order to better appreciate them as people. The downside of this is my true personality sometimes gets lost and I often end up sitting in silence for long periods. I'm an assertive person and if someone does something that I don't like, i'm not afraid to tell them. At the same time, however I'm conflicted about going about this with some people in case they take serious offence to it.

A lot of men (and some women) cannot find a way to be interesting to people. They question what is wrong with them when they have trouble finding girlfriends or sex (bluntly). Now this isn't too much of a concern for me because its not a big priority, but I think that I can say that not communicating who you are and restraining yourself is a key reason as to why women might not show interest. But hey i'm not a psyhologist, i'm just going on personal experience!

I'm maybe too overly concerned with being polite and calm, but i've always interpreted these qualities as being very important. Its something that can be worked on though, so its not like i'll never be able to be myself!

I'm maybe not making much sense, so I do apologise, but this was posted with the intention of sharing some observations i've made about myself. If anyone has any thoughts, please don't be afraid to comment (even if you disagree!)

I tone myself down a lot, especially around my family. Well i think you're interesting and an overall good guy. Then again, I also find you cute, so i may have an ulterior motive.

 

[LitmusDragon]

we just can't win with you people can we? We're honest, you hate that. We placate you, you can't stand that either.

"you people?"

lol. I don't know, people who criticize others for not confirming to societal norms? I realize you're probably just making a RDJ reference.

I don't know, your post struck a nerve with me. I find social situations stressful enough without being criticized for the extra effort I put into them.