Parent to teenager bonding ~ both sides of story welcome

[Sephiroth]

my parents split up when i was 10, so my teen years were going back & forth from place to place every week. School didn't work for me too well, and my dad started his own company, so I ended up learning his trade. When I was 14 mom ended up marrying a guy. We had a decent time but the guy ended up being a snake and divorced him a year into the marrage. She got married again a year later, it was something I couldn't really handle, so, I pretty much moved into my dad's place.

About that time my grandmother started going seenile, so dad moved her in with us. Dad's buisness had him traveling alot, so I ended up pretty much taking care of my grandmother by myself. She died when I was 17, on my 18th birthday I walked into a recruitment office and I was off to boot a few months later.

As for today, I've patched things up with my mom and step dad, and while I'm in P'cola I drop by and visit on the weekends, we have fun even though I kind of compartmentalize our relationship. My grandfather is giving her his truck, so I'm going to drive her up to Oklahoma on the first. While I'm that way I'm going to drop off some of the stuff my dad left here and spend a few days in Albuquerque trying to teach Warmachine to my friends. Dad and I have a good relationship, I'm watching his house in Florida for him until the legal mess he's gotten into winds itself down.

 

[TerokNor]

I've never done shouting or door banging and never entertained it. It is not for nothing that I am half Klingon ~ just a look can freeze Son.
And as for the 11 - 16 years ~ God bless boarding school

(please don't think I'm rich and uncaring, Son qualified for a scholarship at a great school and as a single Mother of just one child I thought it the best option.)

Shouting and such were mainly so strong in my family because of issues with alcohol and depression. Guess otherwise each of us would have shown far less hot tempered emotional outbursts and aggression.
And don´t worry, would not think you uncaring, just because you send your son to Boarding School. Actually the idea of Boardng School has its charme. Loved to read those books as a kid that played at Boarding Schools and half wished to be at one too. *L*

TerokNor

 

[Mary Ann]

I spent six months boarding at the private school I attended when I was 13 and I used to hate going home over the weekends. For some kids, even those who have good relationships with their parents, boarding school is great, especially if it helps them to get a better education. If your local comprehensive secondary school is anything like mine, K'Eh, it's a very good thing indeed that Son went to boarding school. The private school my two older kids attend only gives scholarships of up to 40% of the total tuition, so I am very grateful to my dad for helping us out financially with the fees.

 

[Holdfast]

What can I say? I had other things to sort out in my teenage years instead of arguing with my parents, like figuring out how not to take over the world, and retire instead...

You are Stewie from Family Guy aren't you?

Oh no. Stewie wants to rule the world. I've decided the world doesn't deserve my benevolent rule.

 

[Misfit Toy]

^
"Benevolent" being the key word, of course... ')

 

[ares93]

well i dont have any kids on my own, thank god. 19 is far to young in my opinion, but a friend of mine (hell, who am i kidding, he's practically family) has a three year old daughter. and he is 22 at the moment.

yeah, and me being the nice "Uncle" that i am end up babysitting, a LOT. and frankly, i've always i wanted kids when i got older, but that little girl is doing a damn fine job of changing my mind. i'm telling you, she's the devil reincarnated...

 

[1001001]

When I was a teenager, I was close to my mom. We got along fine. Dad and I had very little in common. We didn't talk much. It wasn't bad or anything, just....not there.

It helped that my sister was completely out of control. She set the threshold very high. I would be a half hour late for curfew, she took my mother's car when she was 14 and wrecked it. My parents weren't worried about me. And generally I was pretty good. I went to an all-boys Catholic high school and did well.

Fast forward to my own teenager. 14 was very tough. Her mouth was unbelievable. And the drama. OH THE DRAMA!!! It was very hard for me to take. She was very disrespectful to me, and it hurt a lot. I can't speak for other fathers, but that fall from grace is a painful one. I used to be a god to this little girl! I had Powers. Magic. Strength.

By 14 I was an embarassing ATM.

Today, she is 16 and things have completely turned around. Dad is great again, and mom is the Wicked Witch. While it is tough to watch sometimes, I do enjoy not being the object of her scorn and ridicule.

Her and her mother are very different. They don't "speak the same language" as I tell them. So they misunderstand each other and react to things that may not even be there. My wife is very business-like. She makes the trains run on time, and our daughter interprets that as not caring. My wife finds the girl to be overly dramatic and flaky.

I am confident our relationships will continue to evolve as she gets older. Ultimately, the girl is more like me than her mother, and it shows in their relationship.

We also have a boy, who is 8. I have no idea how that's going to go. Right now, he is my Mini-Me. We'll see what happens....

 

[Sector 7]

What are you like with your children?

I raised my niece and nephew. My sister even told them, "I wasn't cut out to be a mother," so I took them and raised them in a loving home. By the time I got my nephew, he was set in his ways (his guidance counselor voted him most likely to be a serial killer!). I tried, but there was no reaching him. He went back to his mother at 15.

My niece is my baby girl. When she was a baby, she would not let anyone wash her hair except me... I think her mother must have gotten soap in her eyes or something... she trusted me though. As she grew we were always close. Little Miss Sector 7 would tell me all her problems, joys, etc. Although she has four children of her own, she still calls to share and visits when she can.

On Saturdays, my mom would take one of the kids and I would take the other. We spent the day with them one-on-one whether it was shopping, fishing, movies or just taking a picnic lunch to the park. We made sure that, for at least one whole day, they knew they were the most important thing in our lives. I tried to give the kids the kind of loving home I did not have.

What are you like with your parents?

I knew my mom loved me, but could not reconcile it with her letting my stepfather beat me every day. I tried desperately to please him, hoping it would stop the abuse. It never stopped, until I was 15 when I hit him back. Then beat him up. He left the next day while we were at school. Mom did not speak to me for six months, literally!

My dad and mom split when I was four years old. I always wished my real daddy would come rescue me. Eighteen years later I met him... and threw him out of my house! He saw a picture of my grandmother and called her a bitch. Since she was the surrogate father figure, I reacted badly to his comment. (He blamed her for the break-up of their marriage.) After a rough beginning, Dad and I have a good relationship. In fact, in a few minutes I am leaving to pick up Dad and bring him here for Easter dinner.

I am taking care of Mom in her old age. She is in a hospital bed here at home. We have home health aides to help with bathing for a few hours each day, but the rest of the time I am here for bedpan duty, cleaning up messes, cooking, cleaning, etc. Of her four living children, I am the one who takes care of her. None of the others do.

What kind of relationship do you have?

I had found the love of my life... my soulmate... we lived and loved a lifetime, until a distracted driver took him from me. We were not legally allowed to be married, but in our hearts and before GOD we were. I am a widower.

I honestly doubt I shall ever find another love. I spend so much time taking care of Mom... and no one wants a relationship with a single guy who has all that 'baggage'. However, I am content with my lot in life, because during the time Tony and I were together, he gave me enough love to last a lifetime.

 

[Kestra]

Fast forward to my own teenager. 14 was very tough. Her mouth was unbelievable. And the drama. OH THE DRAMA!!! It was very hard for me to take. She was very disrespectful to me, and it hurt a lot. I can't speak for other fathers, but that fall from grace is a painful one. I used to be a god to this little girl! I had Powers. Magic. Strength.

By 14 I was an embarassing ATM.

I love the honesty of this part. I'm sure I put my father through something similar (though I wasn't disrespectful) and I'm glad that your relationship has improved.

I have come to enjoy the way my relationships with my parents have evolved over time. My dad seems to recognize my aging in chunks, at random times. It's great to be treated like an adult instead of the baby of the family.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

... In the food tent we had a beer together.. for some reason, me paying for the beers and perhaps the first time we went out for a beer and talked like two men, this is engraved in my memory and it is one of the fondest memory i have of my dad. Us just standing there at the counter, beer in had and talking about something...

There is nothing like going out as adults and feeling equal.

My step dad ~ a hard manual labourer for all his years, a motorbike riding guy of simple desires and tastes, a straight talking 'Man' who's at the pub at 12 O'clock on a Sunday for a couple of pints with his mates before lunch after doing the chores Mum's made for him and before a Sunday afternoon nap.

What sticks in my mind with him is I went to join him for a pint the day after they had to have their dog put down, and there, at the bar, in the pub, was this emotionless, tough man, weeping as he told me about it.

Parents are humans too. We just have to wait until they crack

I've never done shouting or door banging and never entertained it. It is not for nothing that I am half Klingon ~ just a look can freeze Son.
And as for the 11 - 16 years ~ God bless boarding school

(please don't think I'm rich and uncaring, Son qualified for a scholarship at a great school and as a single Mother of just one child I thought it the best option.)

Shouting and such were mainly so strong in my family because of issues with alcohol and depression. Guess otherwise each of us would have shown far less hot tempered emotional outbursts and aggression.
And don´t worry, would not think you uncaring, just because you send your son to Boarding School. Actually the idea of Boardng School has its charme. Loved to read those books as a kid that played at Boarding Schools and half wished to be at one too. *L*

TerokNor

I'd never have thought of it if I'd had another child or family but as Sephiroth's tale reveals it's just too confusing to put too many other people into the mix (I'm sorry Seph if this is not the correct interpretation or rude of me, but it's what came across to me when I read your post)

After I split with Son's father I had my social life when he stayed with him. I did not want Son to see a procession of 'Uncles' around. God that sounds bad But Man is the only one that has in any way been part of our lives.

As for shouting and such, I believe the more it is used the less effect it has. I had a friend who had 3 boys 9 - 14'ish and the language and volume in the house was horrendous. It did not change a thing, just caused animosity and a general bad vibe. Son is more worried when I ask him to sit down and talk to me.

I spent six months boarding at the private school I attended when I was 13 and I used to hate going home over the weekends. For some kids, even those who have good relationships with their parents, boarding school is great, especially if it helps them to get a better education. If your local comprehensive secondary school is anything like mine, K'Eh, it's a very good thing indeed that Son went to boarding school. The private school my two older kids attend only gives scholarships of up to 40% of the total tuition, so I am very grateful to my dad for helping us out financially with the fees.

Oh I was really lucky. We live near Christ's Hospital which is the school Son attended. The School is set up to help bright kids from poor backgrounds and the majority of the pupils are 'fee assisted'. The full fees were around £19,000 a year, because he passed the entrance exam and our circumstances, I ended up paying about £120 a term. More than it would have cost me to feed him

When Son was at work the other evening, waiting on a table, the woman asked 'Where did you go to school?',
He replied and the woman said 'You are a credit to your parents, you speak wonderfully and carry yourself so well'.

I hope he finally realises that I did the right thing! May the snob in me never die

What can I say? I had other things to sort out in my teenage years instead of arguing with my parents, like figuring out how not to take over the world, and retire instead...

You are Stewie from Family Guy aren't you?

Oh no. Stewie wants to rule the world. I've decided the world doesn't deserve my benevolent rule.

So you couldn't do it then

... i'm telling you, she's the devil reincarnated...

I'm so glad I had a son

...

What kind of relationship do you have?

I had found the love of my life... my soulmate... we lived and loved a lifetime, until a distracted driver took him from me. We were not legally allowed to be married, but in our hearts and before GOD we were. I am a widower.

I honestly doubt I shall ever find another love. I spend so much time taking care of Mom... and no one wants a relationship with a single guy who has all that 'baggage'. However, I am content with my lot in life, because during the time Tony and I were together, he gave me enough love to last a lifetime.

I'm sorry to cut the rest of your lovely post but this bit just had me a bit wet eyed.
Oh Sector 7, how long ago was this? Please don't give up, hang on to the memories but you never know what will happen. You can have two great loves in life (quote Charlotte SATC) x

 

[thestrangequark]

I spent my teen years pretending to be an adult. My dad is an irresponsible alcoholic whom I love but find difficult to respect, and it was the same when I was a teen. My mom is a wonderful mother when she is able, but she is severely mentally ill, spent much of my childhood and teen years in and out of mental hospitals, and struggled with heroin addiction. My older sister spent her teen years acting out and my younger sister is Autistic, this left me as the the stable and responsible one. I was reliable, organized, and determined as a teenager. As I grew up I grew further from my father emotionally and in ideology, and grew to understand my mother, though that understanding frightens me and makes me uncomfortable.

I moved 3000 miles away when I was 18, and though I love my parents, I can't ever go back.

 

[Sephiroth]

do you find it as hard as I do to emotionally connect to anything?

 

[thestrangequark]

^Is that question directed at me?

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ I believe it was. And even though the question was not directed at me, I don't emotionally connect very often. I tend to unconsciously insulate myself from others. I also have a difficult time opening up about myself. Actually my doing so previously in this thread was a very unnerving thing for me.

 

[Sephiroth]

yes, if you don't want to answer than don't, but I wonder, do you tend to compartmentalize aspects of your life like I do? we seem to have grown up playing similar roles

 

[thestrangequark]

yes, if you don't want to answer than don't, but I wonder, do you tend to compartmentalize aspects of your life like I do? we seem to have grown up playing similar roles

I don't really know, I haven't thought about it that much. I'll think about it, though.

 

[Sephiroth]

oh dear, it looks as if I asked another question, I know you don't particularly like talking to me...sorry

 

[thestrangequark]

oh dear, it looks as if I asked another question, I know you don't particularly like talking to me...sorry

???

What on earth gave you that impression?

 

[Goji]

I was very well behaved as a teenager and got along fine with my parents. Since they didn't have the opportunity to come down on me hard for failing classes, doing drugs, hanging out with people who do drugs, or any other youthful tomfoolery, they apparently felt they weren't getting to do their job. For a brief period they decided instead to occasionally give me excessive crap for insanely minor things - like leaving the house for an hour to go for a hike without mentioning where I was going (we live in a tiny town where nothing happens - there is literally nowhere else I could possibly have gone on foot). Thankfully they grew out of this quickly. It's still somewhat inexplicable to me, and when I remind them of this brief period, they just laugh about it.

Anyway, my sister has since given them far more serious problems to deal with.

 

[Sephiroth]

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