Parent to teenager bonding ~ both sides of story welcome

[K'Ehleyr]

Son came home earlier than usual tonight ~ pre-midnight!

He's 18, it's half term, he's at college, it's his night off from his work so I basically give him some freedom.

But he was disappointed that most of his friends had gone to the pub (he has no money, he has just gone to monthly paid and is penniless) but he won't go along if he cannot pay his way and although I've offered to lend him some cash to get him through 'til pay day he refuses. I am pleased with both of those actions.

So after he came in all sad, he made himself something to eat and a cup of tea. Then came and laughed at me playing on-line poker under my cat's alias and started to spill...

Slowly, slowly...

I poured us some weak Pimms (well his was anyway!) and we discussed how we hated being in the service industry, how people disappoint you, etc... And the magic moment started when I really made him laugh. When we started sentances the same and had the same reply. When we were singing along to the same tunes. When he really opened up to me about his life and his feelings. When he gave me a henna tattoo in 'Hiragana' (he's studying Japanese), when we raced for the loo and fell about laughing.

And mostly when he gave me a hug and kissed me goodnight.

So what if I feel crap at work tomorrow morning ~ those were the best 3 hours of my week, and I would give up so many more to make him happy and feel safe and loved.

Sentimental, but I never had it with my Mum or Dad and I wish I had.

What are you like with your children?
What are you like with your parents?
What kind of relationship do you have?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I have no children, nor do I ever want any * , but I have a great relationship with my parents. They are both really honest with me and I rarely argue with them. Especially my dad - he's just this side of godhood in my view. I can't remember the last time he's been wrong about anything.

* seriously, I really don't want kids. I would suck at being a dad. I don't know jackshit about the parenting process. I much prefer being an uncle.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I don't think anybody knows about being a parent ~ you just give it a go and the more smiles and laughs you get must be good?

 

[HoneyBLilly]

What are you like with your children?

The over protective mother. He's only eight months old. And I could care less if he ever grows up.

What are you like with your parents?

With my mom I'm cautious, she wasn't as strict with me as she was with my older sister's, in fact she had given up by the time I came along, but she's scary.

What kind of relationship do you have?

A bad one. I don't want history to repeat itself.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I don't think anybody knows about being a parent ~ you just give it a go and the more smiles and laughs you get must be good?

Yeah, but the life and happiness of a child is too important to risk linking it to ME as its parent. Or, as John Munch once put it, "I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me."

 

[T'Bonz]

My kids are grown up now and we have a good relationship with them. They call us for advice occasionally (Dad for computers and income tax info, me for advice on emotional issues and for recipes) and we call them to yip-yap or they call us.

With 2 of the 3, we had a turbulent period during the college years. The baby didn't do that (thank God, as I was weary of it by then) but the phase passed. They weren't at all bad when they lived at home, although they weren't great at doing their chores in a timely fashion.

The teen years can be fun (middle girl invited me to shop with her for her prom dress) or exasperating (unclean rooms, clutter around the house) but I'm glad I had my girls and the good times have outnumbered the bad ones 100-1.

 

[Myasishchev]

I've almost always gotten along real well with my dad. He's basically the most forgiving man you'll ever meet, although prone to snapping eventually.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

The only time my dad ever yells at me is when we are in the car and he gets lost (i.e. takes the wrong exit or interstate) and frustrated. It is entirely understandable that he should do that. I, on the other hand, deal with frustration by turning up Rammstein on the stereo, which obviously is not an option when he's with me.

 

[AstroSmurf]

From the other side of the coin...

I am a middle child. From the age of ten until seventeen I spent ever waking minute waving my arms around trying to get someone to notice me. It was like I didn't exist. Before I bought my first car, my parents forget to pick me up from after-school activities so many times I dropped them all so I didn't have to keep walking the eight miles home. My birthday came and went two years in a row without so much as a card. I felt like a ghost. Then I went completely wild drinking, smoking, coloring my hair every hue in the rainbow, sneaking out of the house, destroying property, sleeping with half the country side... you name it I did it. I believed that, since they didn't care, I didn't need to either. It didn't help that I was gay being raised by a Baptist preacher and mother who was working two jobs. It was a disastrous situation all around.

After a while I gave up on the family. I moved out three weeks after turning eighteen, five months before I even graduated high school. No one argued. I was one less mouth to feed. I put myself through college, well two years before I had to drop out. I made my own way, in my own time and without any support, financial or otherwise. For seven years, my friends were my family and that was enough.

When I was twenty-five my sister had her first kid and we all started talking on a regular basis. Soon after, my mother and I reconnected. I admit it was like we had never really spoke to each other. We spent hours talking and taking stock in one another. Even though she had birthed me it was like an orphan finding his mother for the first time. To be honest, it was very strange for both of us.

Now I am rapidly approaching forty and I see my mother in a totally different light then I did ten years ago. We talk everyday. Holidays are spent with both of us in the kitchen cooking and giggling like little kids. We are friends. Things have changed so much in the last twenty years, very much for the better. The past is the past. We have moved on in a positive direction. I still don't really feel like I am her son though, more like friends, good friends. It is a relationship I enjoy immensely... well maybe not her constantly hounding me about grand children and a husband. It is all so progressive now that the preacher's wife is insisting that I shack up with a man and adopt some Himalayan Whistle kids. Twenty-years ago she thought I was going to burn in hell.


And K'Ehleyr I admit I am a little jealous. It has taken me and mine thirty-six years to achieve what you have now. If we could all be so lucky.

 

[Holdfast]

That sounds like a nice evening K.

I was a pretty well-behaved kid (well inasmuch as any teen ever is) so things never got too difficult at home. I mean, of course I was an unbelievably arrogant know-it-all (yeah, yeah, nothing's changed), and could go on a rare strop if things didn't go my way, but nothing out of the ordinary I don't think. So things were generally easy enough. They trusted me to be generally safe, I trusted them to keep me so. We all got on decently, barring the usual occasional arguments.

*shrug* not terribly exciting, I'm afraid.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Heh. Not the best, not the worst. My parents always supported me and my decisions, and in return I did my best at not being a disappointment or an embarrassment. It worked.

But we are not really close, and honestly I prefer it this way.

 

[TerokNor]

As a teen ..hmm... basically a lot of fighting, shouting, door banging and feeling angry at them or hurt or scared for them. I remember telling both my parents I hated them (more than once) and even telling my father in his face I wished him dead. Though he told me, I would not be his child anylonger and should leave. We were both hot-tempered. I had fights with both of them, but the more serious once ususally with my father (Also hit him once...made him speechless..me too..yeah, what anger can do). Though at 18 it was already better, the worst time was at the age 14/15/16.

On the other hand on good days our relationship was all right and they trusted me with a lot of freedom. I never got a lot restrictments like when to be home or what to do and not to do, they just wanted one thing, to call them and not let them in the unknown. Though I never was one anyway to go to parties and so on, when I was gone till morning my parents knew I´d usually was with my cousin talking the night away and then overcome by sleep just staying in his bed and walking home in the early morning hours.

Today the relationship with my mom is very good and with my dad most of the time.
Don´t have own children yet, but in the next few years I hope that will change.

This night with your son sounds like a real good moment to have for you and him.

TerokNor

 

[Misfit Toy]

Growing up, I never really thought my dad liked me. He was away a lot, two tours in Vietnam and a few Temporary Duty stations elsewhere. Plus he was a jock and I was not. The relationship changed as I became an adult, and really changed for the better when my son was born. Dad died in 2004 and I wish that more mature relationship had lasted longer. My mother is 86 and in a nursing home with Alzheimers - she doesn't know me anymore.

I'm proud of the relationship I have with my son - he's 14 now and knows that I love him and am proud of him. We share books, movies and a similar sense of humor (my poor wife!). Sounds like you have some really good times coming with your son, K.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

What are you like with your children?

The over protective mother. He's only eight months old. And I could care less if he ever grows up.

What are you like with your parents?

With my mom I'm cautious, she wasn't as strict with me as she was with my older sister's, in fact she had given up by the time I came along, but she's scary.

What kind of relationship do you have?

A bad one. I don't want history to repeat itself.

'Over Protective Mother' ~ sign me up for that! Son's bosses cringe when I stroll into the restaurant
"Oh my God, what does she want now?"

I'm the same with my Mother, she came back from hols on Weds, I've yet to call ~ why can't she call me for a change?

I don't think anybody knows about being a parent ~ you just give it a go and the more smiles and laughs you get must be good?

Yeah, but the life and happiness of a child is too important to risk linking it to ME as its parent. Or, as John Munch once put it, "I wouldn't want to give a kid the responsibility of me."

Son looks after me very well

My kids are grown up now and we have a good relationship with them. They call us for advice occasionally (Dad for computers and income tax info, me for advice on emotional issues and for recipes) and we call them to yip-yap or they call us.

With 2 of the 3, we had a turbulent period during the college years. The baby didn't do that (thank God, as I was weary of it by then) but the phase passed. They weren't at all bad when they lived at home, although they weren't great at doing their chores in a timely fashion.

The teen years can be fun (middle girl invited me to shop with her for her prom dress) or exasperating (unclean rooms, clutter around the house) but I'm glad I had my girls and the good times have outnumbered the bad ones 100-1.

Son gives me fashion advice, by the look on his face I know I should go and change

From the other side of the coin...

I am a middle child. From the age of ten until seventeen I spent ever waking minute waving my arms around trying to get someone to notice me. It was like I didn't exist. Before I bought my first car, my parents forget to pick me up from after-school activities so many times I dropped them all so I didn't have to keep walking the eight miles home. My birthday came and went two years in a row without so much as a card. I felt like a ghost. Then I went completely wild drinking, smoking, coloring my hair every hue in the rainbow, sneaking out of the house, destroying property, sleeping with half the country side... you name it I did it. I believed that, since they didn't care, I didn't need to either. It didn't help that I was gay being raised by a Baptist preacher and mother who was working two jobs. It was a disastrous situation all around.

After a while I gave up on the family. I moved out three weeks after turning eighteen, five months before I even graduated high school. No one argued. I was one less mouth to feed. I put myself through college, well two years before I had to drop out. I made my own way, in my own time and without any support, financial or otherwise. For seven years, my friends were my family and that was enough.

When I was twenty-five my sister had her first kid and we all started talking on a regular basis. Soon after, my mother and I reconnected. I admit it was like we had never really spoke to each other. We spent hours talking and taking stock in one another. Even though she had birthed me it was like an orphan finding his mother for the first time. To be honest, it was very strange for both of us.

Now I am rapidly approaching forty and I see my mother in a totally different light then I did ten years ago. We talk everyday. Holidays are spent with both of us in the kitchen cooking and giggling like little kids. We are friends. Things have changed so much in the last twenty years, very much for the better. The past is the past. We have moved on in a positive direction. I still don't really feel like I am her son though, more like friends, good friends. It is a relationship I enjoy immensely... well maybe not her constantly hounding me about grand children and a husband. It is all so progressive now that the preacher's wife is insisting that I shack up with a man and adopt some Himalayan Whistle kids. Twenty-years ago she thought I was going to burn in hell.


And K'Ehleyr I admit I am a little jealous. It has taken me and mine thirty-six years to achieve what you have now. If we could all be so lucky.

Crickey AstroSmurf, how horrible for you. I'm glad it's worked out for you in the end but the middle years must have been grim.

Son is gay and open with me about it. I have no problem at all ~ in fact I embrace the fact I won't have to compete for his attention with another woman
Then again times have changed!
And thank you Smurf ~ I do appreciate how lucky we both are to have a good relationship

That sounds like a nice evening K.

I was a pretty well-behaved kid (well inasmuch as any teen ever is) so things never got too difficult at home. I mean, of course I was an unbelievably arrogant know-it-all (yeah, yeah, nothing's changed), and could go on a rare strop if things didn't go my way, but nothing out of the ordinary I don't think. So things were generally easy enough. They trusted me to be generally safe, I trusted them to keep me so. We all got on decently, barring the usual occasional arguments.

*shrug* not terribly exciting, I'm afraid.

But dreadfully 'Holdfast'
and thank you it was a great night, apart from finding random strawberries and cucumber all over the living room in the morn ~ I believe we may have had a 'Pimms fight'

As a teen ..hmm... basically a lot of fighting, shouting, door banging and feeling angry at them or hurt or scared for them. I remember telling both my parents I hated them (more than once) and even telling my father in his face I wished him dead. Though he told me, I would not be his child anylonger and should leave. We were both hot-tempered. I had fights with both of them, but the more serious once ususally with my father (Also hit him once...made him speechless..me too..yeah, what anger can do). Though at 18 it was already better, the worst time was at the age 14/15/16.

On the other hand on good days our relationship was all right and they trusted me with a lot of freedom. I never got a lot restrictments like when to be home or what to do and not to do, they just wanted one thing, to call them and not let them in the unknown. Though I never was one anyway to go to parties and so on, when I was gone till morning my parents knew I´d usually was with my cousin talking the night away and then overcome by sleep just staying in his bed and walking home in the early morning hours.

Today the relationship with my mom is very good and with my dad most of the time.
Don´t have own children yet, but in the next few years I hope that will change.

This night with your son sounds like a real good moment to have for you and him.

TerokNor

I've never done shouting or door banging and never entertained it. It is not for nothing that I am half Klingon ~ just a look can freeze Son.
And as for the 11 - 16 years ~ God bless boarding school

(please don't think I'm rich and uncaring, Son qualified for a scholarship at a great school and as a single Mother of just one child I thought it the best option.)

Growing up, I never really thought my dad liked me. He was away a lot, two tours in Vietnam and a few Temporary Duty stations elsewhere. Plus he was a jock and I was not. The relationship changed as I became an adult, and really changed for the better when my son was born. Dad died in 2004 and I wish that more mature relationship had lasted longer. My mother is 86 and in a nursing home with Alzheimers - she doesn't know me anymore.

I'm proud of the relationship I have with my son - he's 14 now and knows that I love him and am proud of him. We share books, movies and a similar sense of humor (my poor wife!). Sounds like you have some really good times coming with your son, K.

Oh Misfit Toy, I'm sorry to hear about your parents. Alzheimers is a truly cruel affliction.
Keep it going with your son, mine remembers stupid things from ages past ~ especially quotes from films that we both love. It's those little private jokes that make it great

 

[lurok]

But I never had it with my Mum or Dad and I wish I had.

What are you like with your children?
What are you like with your parents?
What kind of relationship do you have?

No children; no parents for most of life, so genuinely envy you Raised in state care. So most of my 'models' of parenting I've taken from TV/film/pop culture. But...having been a seriously confused teenager, and dated teens from 'good/stable' backgrounds who were worse frakked up than I was and seen them with their parents...all I can say is: patience and love. I sense all will resolve well

 

[Holdfast]

But dreadfully 'Holdfast'

What can I say? I had other things to sort out in my teenage years instead of arguing with my parents, like figuring out how not to take over the world, and retire instead...

 

[Mary Ann]

My teen years weren't fun. My father is a very strict Roman Catholic and I wasn't allowed to date, go to the movies, go to concerts, and so forth. It's probably a good thing I'm a natural introvert or I could have seriously gone off the rails. My mother could never be arsed to get involved, so my relationship with her was distant as well, though it got a bit better when I became an adult. My father never trusted me, but I could never take his word for anything, either, because he was forever going back on his word. As a result I couldn't trust anyone for years. My mother died 11 years ago, just as our relationship was improving, and my dad lives across the ocean, which is how I like it. He's very generous with my kids and pays for my two older ones to attend a private school, but I still don't like being in the same room with him, because I can never, ever relax around him.

As for my own kids, I have a good relationship so far with my 14-year-old daughter. I hated my relationship with my mother so I've made sure that I treat my daughter better without spoiling her too much (believe me, I'm no pushover!). We have our "girlie days" where we go shopping or out for lunch. We talk for hours and have a good laugh together. She once told me that we have a better relationship than most of her friends have with their parents, and that made me happy and proud. My 13-year-old son is entering the hormonal moody stage, but we talk and laugh and have a pretty good relationship, too. My 10-year-old is autistic and I'm a bit concerned as to how he'll be once the hormones start kicking in, but he's calmed down a lot over the past few years. So far things are going well, but there's time for all that to change!

 

[K'Ehleyr]

But I never had it with my Mum or Dad and I wish I had.

What are you like with your children?
What are you like with your parents?
What kind of relationship do you have?

No children; no parents for most of life, so genuinely envy you Raised in state care. So most of my 'models' of parenting I've taken from TV/film/pop culture. But...having been a seriously confused teenager, and dated teens from 'good/stable' backgrounds who were worse frakked up than I was and seen them with their parents...all I can say is: patience and love. I sense all will resolve well

lurok, I sense that if you have an outlook like that then all will be well.

As you say many kids from 'good/stable' backgrounds turn out worse. Maybe they rebel because no-one listens to them? Maybe they are spoiled?

The only thing I have learnt with Son is that I can never make him talk. Which you shouldn't really with anyone. You just are there when they are ready. Ok I was half hour late to work today, hungover to the gills, but I learnt more about him in 3 hours than I have in a long time. Everytime I try to address an issue with him I try to think how I was at that age ~ and I think I was far worse.

Can empathise with your parent dilemma. I was brought up by my grandparents because Mum got pregnant out of wedlock () in the '60s and married a man who took her on but not me.

But dreadfully 'Holdfast'

What can I say? I had other things to sort out in my teenage years instead of arguing with my parents, like figuring out how not to take over the world, and retire instead...

You are Stewie from Family Guy aren't you?

My teen years weren't fun. My father is a very strict Roman Catholic and I wasn't allowed to date, go to the movies, go to concerts, and so forth. It's probably a good thing I'm a natural introvert or I could have seriously gone off the rails. My mother could never be arsed to get involved, so my relationship with her was distant as well, though it got a bit better when I became an adult. My father never trusted me, but I could never take his word for anything, either, because he was forever going back on his word. As a result I couldn't trust anyone for years. My mother died 11 years ago, just as our relationship was improving, and my dad lives across the ocean, which is how I like it. He's very generous with my kids and pays for my two older ones to attend a private school, but I still don't like being in the same room with him, because I can never, ever relax around him.

As for my own kids, I have a good relationship so far with my 14-year-old daughter. I hated my relationship with my mother so I've made sure that I treat my daughter better without spoiling her too much (believe me, I'm no pushover!). We have our "girlie days" where we go shopping or out for lunch. We talk for hours and have a good laugh together. She once told me that we have a better relationship than most of her friends have with their parents, and that made me happy and proud. My 13-year-old son is entering the hormonal moody stage, but we talk and laugh and have a pretty good relationship, too. My 10-year-old is autistic and I'm a bit concerned as to how he'll be once the hormones start kicking in, but he's calmed down a lot over the past few years. So far things are going well, but there's time for all that to change!

Family trust
I was raised by my grandparents and only found out that my 'dad' was not my father when I was 16. Despite the arguement that there was 'no room for me' M+D lived in a 3 bed house 4 doors away from me, with my brother ~ half brother as it came to be known.
The two sides of the story were
Nan ~ you're Mother didn't want you so we took you in.
Mum ~ your Nan wouldn't let you go.

MA, I think how you were raised takes considerable influence in how you raise and communicate with your own children. You're doing it totally right girl.

I want to be involved with Son's life. I want to enjoy the fun and share the pain. I want to wrap him in cotton wool ~ although he's a bit big for that now and would look stupid, but I also want to encourage him to fly free.

Oh that horrible saying "Nurture them and give them wings so they know how to fly". I'm never going to chew his food for him though!

 

[Kestra]

I was horrid as a teenager. Not by normal standards, but by my family's standards where my older siblings had been pretty perfect. I was emotional and cranky and dared to listen to music that wasn't entirely happy and they were convinced I was on drugs or something.

Things got worse when I got depressed and really did cut them off emotionally. We've repaired things a lot since then, but there have been a lot of rough patches and I think some part of me will always keep a wall up. I've realized as I've gotten older that there are some things we will just always disagree on, and that I need to accept that. Getting married actually helped my relationship with my parents. Some stuff has happened with my sister over the past few years which has been difficult, but I was actually finally able to open up to my parents and get some of the support that I've needed.

 

[FPAlpha]

My father was quite strict in my upbringing and he was quite short tempered and i'll spare you the details but at times it was also physically painful and i've forgiven him but never forgotten. Apart from these bad times though he really raised me and taught me.. basic stuff like handywork around the house, how to behave in certain situations etc.

My mom was the exact opposite.. she often shielded me from dad when she knew he'd explode over some minor stuff and hid it from him. For that i'll be forever grateful but at times i think she was a little bit too soft on me but that was ok too.. she is my mom after all.

Now i'm grown up, mid 30s and my relationship to my parents is as good as it can be.. i love them both and have learned to deal with their flaws (i just refuse to take crap from them anymore.. something they needed to adjust to when they realized i've grown up ).

I've never really talked about my feelings with my parents.. at least not very deeply.. stuff only i know and felt but i had some heart to hearts with my dad when he poured his out because he was frustrated with my mom and her actions (and sometimes he really is right.. my dear mom can be a bitch sometimes).

Even though i had my problems with my dad and my early 20s were marked with long periods of us not talking to each other we are still close.

One occasion though will be burned forever in my mind.. sometime in the 90s my mother had meningitis (an infection of the brain to put it short) and was close to dying (something i learned of later when everything had passed.. my dad knew though). It was early summer and my mom was out of the worst and recovering the hospital so my dad and me went to a local annual industry and commerce fair in our town before we went to visit my mom.

In the food tent we had a beer together.. for some reason, me paying for the beers and perhaps the first time we went out for a beer and talked like two men, this is engraved in my memory and it is one of the fondest memory i have of my dad. Us just standing there at the counter, beer in had and talking about something.

Another one was last year.. my dad visited me and stayed with me while had some medical checkups and a minor procedure which still had to be done under full anaesthesia. The weekend before we had a huge fight.. tons of loud screaming, insults etc so when Monday came we were still not on speaking terms and i went to work and he went to the hospital to get checked in before the operation on Tuesday. When i was done with work i drove home and on the entire way debated with me if i should visit him or not.. i was still royally pissed at him but i still couldn't leave him like that alone in the hospital so i went.
He was visibly delighted that i came to visit and we talked without ever mentioning the fight and the weekend.
However when i was leaving i noticed how scared he was about the operation.. it was not a big one and pretty routine but he was still very scared and it broke my heart a little.

So there was this big guy, ex Special Forces and otherwise hardcase, who has made my kid and teenager life sometimes a living hell and he was scared about two cuts. It is a strange feeling realizing that your parents are human too and have their weaknesses.. that they can get scared and experience fear and that they need their kids too. I was near tears to see him like that and i hugged him and he hugged me back closely.
Needless to say the operation went smoothly and he was released the following day.