My Best Friends Ex-husband

[HighteeHeller]

So, I started dating my best friends ex-husband about 6 weeks ago. They've been divorced for two years, she's on her second bf, the first one she left her husband for. They were highschool sweethearts, together for 20 yrs. No love left, though they get along very well.

The ex flirted with me a bit last year, during our sons hockey season, and when she noticed suggested i go for it, but at the time i was unavailable, so didn't think anything of it.

I was the one that suggested the first date, and even before we went out i told her about it. I asked how she would feel if i dated him, and at the time she was ok with it. After our second date she said she had become uncomfortable with it, but we had hit it off so well that i didn't really want to stop seeing him. We had our third date, and it was, again, amazing, but she had started to become unglued about the situation, so i told him that i could no longer keep seeing him.

He was very understanding(though didn't understand) and we backed off for a few days. Unfortunately we had, by this time, already created a bond, had started co-coaching our sons hockey team, and there was no way to avoid each other. Nor did we really want to.

Again, i was upfront with her. Let her know that i didn't feel like we were doing anything wrong, and that anything she was feeling was something she was going to have to learn to deal with. That i'd give her space, and that i was there for her when she was ready to talk.

She has come around somewhat. Shared more over the last couple weeks, invited me out, that sort of thing. And that's great, but...

We've decided to move in together. Before you say we are moving too fast, i will say it for you. We are moving very fast. The thing is, we haven't actually spent a night apart in over a month. And we love it. It has been so amazing. We are compatible in every way. Blah blah blah.

My kids already know hes moving in. They are on board. My ex knows(its been 4 yrs since we split up). He's had some strange belief that we would get back together, so he's not too happy about this, but whatev. He'll get over it(we are very close still).

He isn't moving in until the end of November. So my question is(if you've read this far), how and when should we tell her?

 

[Guartho]

I think she lost the right to an opinion on his love life when she left him so it doesn't matter how you tell her.

Maybe tell her the same way she told him she was leaving him for another man. If it was over dinner, do it over dinner. If it was in a fight, start a fight. Ok, so maybe I'm being a little unfeeling.

 

[marillion]

^^ This... While the subject of moving along too quickly is, itself, a completely different issue, the fact that his and your ex spouses are having trouble dealing with this is THEIR problem.. You and your BF cannot be held accountible for how your exs react. Their behavior is their issue.

You were initially encouraged by your friend to persue her ex.. The fact that she now has issues isn't your fault.. The bigger problem is your ex.. Yes, it's been four years, but by your own admission, you're still close, which has probably perpetuated his belief that there was a chance you'll get back together. Hopefully he'll get the 411 once your BF moves in..

Now to the actual question... Do NOT tell her together.. One or the other needs to do this, one on one... She is your best friend, and guys can be wishy-washy about this kind of crap (being one, I know first hand), it will probably be left to you... If you do this together, she is going to feel horribly vulnerable and ganged up upon.

I would also suggest that drinks not be a part of this and this should be in person, if you truely care about not creating a ruckus over this.. Email/phone call or (god forbid) a text would be incredibly insensitive. Yes, they split up, and yes, she encouraged you two to date, initially, but this is going to hurt her, no matter what.. If you value keeping her as a friend, be sensitive to that.

 

[auntiehill]

I agree. She gave the initial OK, so even though she's had a change of heart, it's really still HER problem. If you want to keep her as your friend, you should tell alone, just the two of you (leave him out of it) and the sooner, the better. The longer she has to get used to it, the easier it will be when it happens.

Just be prepared for the possibility that she many freak the f**k out and not talk to you for awhile---or ever again, as the case may be.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I agree with the others. Tell her whenever you want, but it's really none of her concern and her opinion of it is irrelevant.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

If you're telling your other good friends you may as well tell her. If not, not.

 

[Kestra]

Tell her right now. Don't expect her to be okay with it. Be kind when you tell her, but move in with him and don't feel guilty about being happy about it.

 

[Danoz]

Tell her right now. Don't expect her to be okay with it. Be kind when you tell her, but move in with him and don't feel guilty about being happy about it.

This exactly. Some people here are taking the "who cares what she thinks" advice, but clearly you do, and you want to tread carefully; there's nothing wrong with that. She did give her blessing, you've chatted about it-- and if anything she's been mature about it to this point. She may respond negatively, but I recommend being patient with her and just telling her how strongly you feel about it-- but that you'd also hate for anything to come between you as friends. It sounds like she's a good friend, so I think she'll come around.

And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!

 

[Sean Aaron]

I think she lost the right to an opinion on his love life when she left him so it doesn't matter how you tell her.

Pretty much my feeling. I think love outweighs friendship in this case and it would be unfair of her to object in any way since both you and he are people living separate lives from her.

I do agree with Kestra that you can be polite about it, but be prepared to lose the friendship; even if only temporarily.

And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!

I've done faster move-ins and yeah, it wasn't a good idea, but I don't think it's impossible for it to work. I'd think it would be more fair for both parties to abandon their present dwellings to have a new home together, though that might not be financially viable. Having the person doing the moving feel like the place is also theirs would be the biggest issue; money will be the other one.

In my present relationship it's an option, but not one I'm willing to undertake due to the possible effect it could have on my relationship with my daughter - not that she would be opposed, but I would be too far away to spend as much time with her as I do right now. It's not been an issue so far and I'm prepared to have the odd holiday and a couple of nights a week for years if she is. If not, it's just one for the memories.

 

[TheBrew]

And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!

Not to say that the OP isn't moving too fast, but I never got over the 'honeymoon' phase with my fiancee and we moved in a year after we started dating. I still don't think that the honeymoon phase has ended as we haven't had a 'serious argument' yet. We've had arguments, but we have resolved them all and haven't gotten angry at each other.

 

[SmoothieX]

This is exactly the sort of juicy love triangle (or is it a hexagon here?) that winds up in a murder-suicide.

 

[SPCTRE]

I agree with the others. Tell her whenever you want, but it's really none of her concern and her opinion of it is irrelevant.

Exactly.

Other than that, let me be the first one to suggest a healthy threesome.

 

[Satyrquaze]

I agree with Guartho and marillon; I could not have expressed it better.

 

[Squiggy]

I'm sure no bad will come of this.
​

 

[maneth]

Be up front with her, and make sure she's the first of your friends who knows about it. If you tell her now, a month before the move, she'll have some time to adjust to the idea. But if she learns it from someone other than you, I expect you'd have to kiss the friendship goodbye.

 

[ares93]

This is exactly the sort of juicy love triangle (or is it a hexagon here?) that winds up in a murder-suicide.

You really are an optimist, aren't you?


As the others have said. Be frank with her, but she should know that she doesn't have a say in the matter. Its a courtesy on your side since you're friends. They divorced, the slate is clean and all that.

 

[HighteeHeller]

She has so many worries about this relationship. She is scared if we break up she will lose both of us. Because she left her husband for another man, she worries i will tell him that. She worries anything she shares with me now, about her new boyfriend, i will tell him, so she feels like she can't talk to me. She gets jealous when i talk to her about him, so i cant say anything. But her kids come home and share with her what we've done on the weekends, so she cant escape hearing about it, and she cant talk to me about her ex-husbands new girlfriend, because i AM the new gf.

Her kids love me. We've known each other for years, so there's no evil stepmother type thing going on, and they want to share with her how much fun they have at my house. It was always her and i, and our kids, Now its him and i, and the kids. Thats a hard pill to swallow. And one i can fully understand.

We, previous to this, shared everything, every little detail about our lives. And now we can't. It bothers me too. Not enough to stop, because the relationship is, by far, more fullfilling to me, but i dont want to lose her.

He will be moving in with me, and own my own home. He was renting, had moved away from his home town when her first bf moved in after the divorce. He wanted to put some distance between himself and that situation. I dont worry about finances. But i do worry my house will become too small very quickly.

I wonder, should i be the one to tell her? Or should it be something he does? We havent really decided, as both of us are somewhat scared of how the news will be recieved. He has a sale sign on his lawn(landlord trying to sell his house). His kids saw it, but he didnt go into details. I imagine they told their mom that, but she hasnt said anything.

 

[Guartho]

S Because she left her husband for another man, she worries i will tell him that.

Maybe she shouldn't have lied to him in the first place.

The more details I learn the more I think "HighteeHeller, you'd better treat him better than she did."

 

[Satyrquaze]

Wait, she still hasn't told him that she left him for another man? And she still isn't brave enough to have the subject brought up? And now, she's interfering in your personal life because she's afraid that the truth might come out?

No offense, but: F**k her, she's a coward. She's made the bed, she can sleep in it.

I may be biased, as I've been left for another man before, but my ex was at least (mostly) honest with me over the reasons. (Mind you, she was married to said man six months later) I can at least (in retrospect) respect her honesty and since then, we've buried the hatchet and become friends again.

Also: Your friend left her husband, she has zero right to be jealous of ANY relationship he get involved in after the fact. She broke up her family and divorced her husband because she was selfish and wanted to have her cake and eat it too with another man. A man who she has since broken it off with... and moved on to another... I'm sorry, but you are being far more understanding than I would be.

For the record: The person she is closest to in the situation should be the one who tells her that He's moving in with you. From the sounds of things, it should be you who tells her. If it were me, I'd remind her that she was the one who left him, and he, nor you owe her anything.

But, then you sound like you want to be able to salvage your friendship with her out of this... so, maybe sugar-coat it slightly more than I have here.

 

[marillion]

^^ She may not have the right, but that's human nature... But you're right.. Screw her... She should have come clean.. But she didn't and it's in the past..

I will also reiterate the point in my first post, that it should be you who tells her.. One on one, with no alcohol involved.. That might make it easier for you to screw up the courage to tell her, but it may also make her react worse than she is going to... You also need, before you do this, to reassure her (if you haven't already) that what she did or didn't do is her business and that it would have no bearing on your relationship with him..

Seriously... better now that a few days before he moves in... "Bull by the horns" time, and all that..