Movie Caption Contest #50: Bad Directions

[Rat Boy]

And like that awkward last hug with your ex after bumping into him or her at a party, we bring another caption contest to a close. Here are the winners for last week:

"Wait... did I say days instead of hours or hours instead of days? Damn, we could be screwed."

Picard: So I experience another life through the alien probe where I learn to play the flute, have a son of my own and....

Anij: ::thinking:: Not the flute story again.

While she did need a prosthetic forehead, the lady didn't require the Klingon false teeth.

Photoshop award:

Picard: "It's not the waving it's that damn whistling."
Angi: "Hey, it's not my fault we have to meet with him..."

Now, as you are aware, this is the 50th Movie Caption Contest and to commemorate the occasion, I went back through the old contests (sadly 1 through 9 run by Mark de Vries are lost) and compiled a list of the winners. So, today I am pleased to induct our three most prolific winners into the...

Our first inductee is known from caption contests all over the TrekBBS, even ones that have absolutely nothing to do with Star Trek. On a slow day, you can always count on him to throw in a few yucks here and there. He is perhaps is the most prolific captioner in the history of captioning and comes in at number three on the all-time wins list. The first member of the Hall of Fame is...

PICARD:"So...



ever seen a grown Klingon naked?"

Our next inductee is also quite the frequent poster in these parts, always there with a crack or a Photoshop. Whether he's dropping one-liners or Muppets, he's worked his way up to number two (two, ah, ah, ah, ah!) on the all-time wins list. Let's give a big hand to the Kiwi Kaptioner, better known as...

"Hmm? Oh, found it next to some dead black guy with one arm"

Finally, we come to the number one man on the wins list and our last inductee into the Hall of Fame. It's hard to believe that in the year or so that I've been running this contest, he's racked up a staggering 28 wins. One liners, Photoshops; this guy can and has done it all. The next and last new member of the Hall of Fame to commemorate fifty caption contests is...

Darkness falls across the land.
The midnite hour is close at hand.
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize y'alls neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Congratulations to the Hall of Famers. Here is the big ol' list of winners that I spent days compiling and includes the above winners:

Nerys Myk (Hall of Fame) 28
Year of Hell (Hall of Fame) 21
cooleddie74 (Hall of Fame) 20
Gertch 15
The Laughing Vulcan 14
Outpost4 13
Shatmandu 13
scottydog 9
Nebusj 9
BriGuy 9
EliyahuQeoni 9
Kegek 8
cultcross 7
zephramac 7
Diesel Micky Dolenz 7
DS9Sega 6
Tharpdevenport 6
Turd Ferguson 6
John_Picard 5
Triskelion 5
CaptainJon 4
Haggis and Tatties 4
Skywalker 4
The Cutest of Borg 4
NCC-1701 4
Defcon 4
SciFi75 4
Sisu 3
Kirby 3
David_Leese 3
Finn 3
archerguy1701 3
LeadHead 3
Starpaul20 3
ancient 3
chancellorjake 3
middyseafort 3
J. Allen 2
Arthur Frelling Dent 2
SeerSGB 2
Lloyd_Dobbler 2
Peach Wookie 2
jptrekker 2
cardinal biggles 1
Vasquez Rocks 1
Valin 1
OphaClyde 1
Nathan_Heller 1
Guartho 1
Alyssa 1
A beaker full of death 1
rmkwebdesign 1
Starlock 1
Redshirts Widow 1
Admiral Garak 1
Broccoli 1
Mister.Woof 1
The Squire of Gothos 1
A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees 1
battrekker 1
DrBob 1
Sector7 1
Bad Atom 1
USS Mariner 1
hmbnimbus 1
S'Kai 1
H F Mudd 1
dukesman 1
Fire 1
Super Grover 1
nil_jones 1

Now, with that out of the way, on to the next contest. This week, we once again prove that it's entirely possible to get lost in space. Obviously, the bonus picture comes by way of The Voyage Home Special Edition DVD. Or Leonard Nimoy and Catherine Hicks got stuck in an invisible phone booth. One or the other.

 

[Rat Boy]

Styles: "A towel? Milka Duno threw a towel at Danica Patrick? Twice?"

Worf: "I told you if you tried that one more time, I'd rip your damn arm off."

Nimoy: "Don't worry about that awkward feeling. Took me twenty years to get rid of it."

 

[Triskelion]

Smells like lavender and aluminum zirconium. Let me smell the left pit again. What was that, potassium alum and Old Spice?

Data. Put your left nut away.

It was getting harder by the day to arrive on set through Shatner's expanding ego.

 

[Rat Boy]

Styles: "Is the ensign with the penis head staring at my ass again?"

Picard: "Did it just give me the finger?"

Nimoy and Hicks audition for the role of Madeline.

 

[The Cutest of Borg]

"After your shift, come to my quarters. I want to try out a few ideas with my swagger stick."

 

[Starlock]

I won one of these?

Starlock 1

To pass the time between shots, Catherine and Leonard discuss the finer points of Vulcan and Humpback Whale anatomy...

 

[John Picard]

Captain:Someone named 'Dick Jones' called to ask about your Robocop program. Care to enlighten me?

First Officer: "Uhh......"

 

[Rat Boy]

I won one of these?

Starlock 1

Yes indeedy:

What happens on Genesis, stays on Genesis...

 

[Starlock]

^Oh-ho!

I must have missed it in the most recent clean up of the board.

 

[Rat Boy]

Well, in keeping with the nostalgia theme of Hall of Fame week, here are a few of my personal favorites:

And the story continues...

SPOCK: Commodore Probert says this room is 4 feet too low and would hang out the bottom of the saucer. He is correct.

McCOY: You and Probert's damn logic...!

SPOCK: Now this is a more logical location.

KIRK: Okay Mr. Smarty pants, but those are the wrong nacelles, and there's no windows at this position on the hull on deck 2!

BONES: Do you know how many Trek BBS postings you've started?! You irresponsible, green blooded...!

RIKER: So, I guess I should have mentioned you were her great-grandfather before you french kissed?

They were all waiting to be probed by Vejur. Spock was especially eager; he had already begun to assume the position.

McCoy and Kirk saw that Mr Sulu's "Kobayashi Maru" had set forth for the promised land.

Uhura: Why is Richard Pryor singing "Come on baby, light my fire"??

Picard: "Stupid Nexus... I'm JEWISH!!!!!"

"I am now entering the V'Ger orifice...and based on the pockets of turbulence I experienced just a few moments ago...it seems to LOVE it."

Tigh: If anyone makes a frakking bald joke, I swear to the Gods I will have you tossed out the airlock!
Picard: What he said.

Terrell: Oops - I guess I should have set it to stun.

Picard: "Why are we stopping?"
Worf, thinking: "Because I got a gorch on my junk, and I need to adjust ..."

``Scotty? Scotty, I can barely hear you over the rotten reception from this Klingon communicator.''
``You're talking into the phaser, you twit.''
`` ... In that case the reception is pretty good.''

Shatner: Do you feel a breeze?

fish-looking coffee-asswipe: size you name, money I name, otherwise caffeine no.

Picard: "So, we figured the only way we'd get any screen time in this contest was to come over and see you"

Few people knew that Nicky the Nose and Barney the Testicles got their nicknames from the same terrible glory hole accident.

McCoy: "I'm trying to get to Genesis, you don't happen to own a ship do you?"
Kenobi: "I'm afraid friend that we also are looking to charter a ship."
Luke: "I thought you said this was a den of scum and villainy."
McCoy: "Well, Talulah's tits glow in the dark, and she'll make your lightsaber glow for fifty credits if you know what I mean..."

Solo: "Listen buddy, there's the senile old coot with the annoying brat, or the loopy guy with multiple personality disorder. I ain't too eager on hiring out to either of them. So you can have first pick."

Grignak: "I here am new, selling coffee and fish eggs am I. Wishing to purchase a crate?"

Solo: "Hey Wuher! There's already Rodian stains on that seat. Do I get a cut price deal if I blast this idiot too?"

"Chewie here sez you're lookin' for a fast plane to unoccupied Europe."

The only one really enjoying Picard's little maritime party was Chekov.

Wesley: "Mr Scott, can I lend you a hand?"
Scotty: "That's okay ladie. Now, where's that button to extend this bloody contraption?"

McCoy: "I wish those two would just get a room already..."

Damn! I think he's got a fan script.

Kirk: I'm replacing you as Captain of the Enterprise.

Decker: May I ask why?

Kirk: My experience -- five years out there dealing with unknowns like this -- my familiarity with the Enterprise, this crew...

Decker: Admiral, this is an almost totally new Enterprise. You don't know her a tenth as well as I do.

Kirk: Report to the bridge, COMMANDER. Immediately!

Decker: We are on the bridge, CAPTAIN.

Kirk: Touche...

I'm his phone, and right now the russian inwention over there has been called over 30 times by his crewmates attempting a transporter lock so he can get his white russian butt out of there, but no, russia's answer to davy jones doesn't have AT&T so he has no bars in the bowels of the USS Enterprise, so now he's trapped by a bunch of marines who haven't shot anything live in a very, very, long time. Good luck comrade, you'll need it.

VOICE: Millbrae Tram in four minutes. Vulcan-Pleasanton Tram in six minutes.

SONAK: Your human public transportation system sucks.

KIRK: I'll just have the Enterprise beam you up.

SONAK: I thought the Enterprise transporters were not operational.

KIRK: Don't worry. Heheheh

"OH NO!"

"OH NO!"

"Oh, no..."

Kool-Aid Son'a: "OH YEAH!"

McCoy: Quick, give me a pill! The damn thing stole my kidney.

Picard: "... and besides looking stupid with that banana clip over his eyes, every damned week he got schooled in engineering by a young boy who's biggest thrill in life was masturbating to upskirt holos of his mother."

Geordi: "I'm standing right here!

We're trying to crack his code. So far we've got that he wants us to name a price, and he will name the cup, otherwise coffee no.

 

[cooleddie74]

STYLES:"You left the emergency brake on again...

DIDN'T YOU?


Asshole."

DATA:"Inquiry...

What is...a 'targ show'?"

"That's it, Catherine...just keep doing this over and over...up and down...rhythmically...

until Bill's confused and we can take a lunch break."

 

[cooleddie74]

STYLES:"Why the hell isn't the OnStar turned on?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Nimoy's plan to use real whales in the movie goes horribly wrong.

 

[cooleddie74]

Nimoy's decision to include a giant, invisible Terratin woman with massive breasts in the first draft of the STAR TREK IV script was a horrible and comically awkward idea.

 

[cooleddie74]

"Son, when one of my bridge officers doesn't know how to operate WINDOWS '98 I sure as hell need to know it.

DIS-MISSED."

 

[Nerys Myk]

Uh, wow. 28 wins??? Thanks.... (looks into getting a life)

 

[Nerys Myk]

NIMOY: Mime is the key to all great acting!!!! You are trapped in box!

HICKS(thinking): kill me now!

 

[Rat Boy]

Trek XI set designer: "Two consoles? There's only supposed to be one! Fix it before JJ hears about it!"

 

[Candlelight]

Hall of Fame? Thanks!

STYLES:"The old 'superglue on the console and chair trick' again huh?"

"Need a hand?"

"Dolly Parton once let me do this for hours"

 

[Rat Boy]

Styles: "Hmmm, looks like Kirk left us a message before going into warp. Let's see it. That music sounds familiar. Hey, I know that guy. That asshole Kirk; he just Rick Rolled us!"