Movie Caption Contest #138: Damn Fool Idealistic Crusades

[Rat Boy]

The caption contest is inoperative below C Deck, so I guess that means it's time for another one. First, let's reprogram...

As Candlelight put it, I don't know if the caption or the typo put this winner's entry over the top, but it did...

[

McCoy: What the fuck do you care? You'll be died by the end of this movie.

And for describing your average Thursday on the Enterprise, our winner is...

KIRK: Status report!!!

SPOCK: We're running on impulse power, our phaser banks and torpedo launchers are still being repaired, and Mr. Sulu's been exposing himself to many of the male crewmembers, sir.

And fittingly we have dual winners for our picture of dual androids...

DATA: I told you once, B4.
B4: Before what?

DATA: And out goes the humor chip.

And since we didn't have a Photoshop this time around (despite many hints at an obvious one), here's another tag-team award:

Spock: "As my two closest friends, I am going to let you in on this, but I ask you to let it go no farther than this room. Saavik and I are lovers."
Kirk: "I call bullshit."
McCoy: "So do I."

SPOCK: Did I not make it clear Saavik and I were lovers?

KIRK: Sorry Spock, but once you go Kirk no others will work.

Congrats to the winners! We're getting a head start this time around, so let's hop to it. I've put up pictures from all the feature films for this contest. Why, do you ask? The answer will become very clear in a moment...

April Fool's.

 

[Rat Boy]

Anakin: "Hey, can I take you to my room and show you Threepio?"

Padme: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

*runs away*

Anakin: "It's a droid, for the Force's sake!"

Poggle the Lesser (thinking): I hate these time share sales pitches.


And just to get this out of the way...

Palpatine: "Look, I'm sorry, I-I didn't get your name. I got yours, uh, Kit Fisto, right? But-But I-I never got your..."

Mace: "My name is Pitt, and your ass ain't talking your way outta this shit."

Palpatine: "No, no, no. I just want you to know how – I just want you to know how sorry we are that-that things got so fucked up with us and-and Master Yoda. I-I-It, we-we got into this thing with the best intentions. Really. I never inte–"

*Mace throws his lightsaber into Mas Amedda, Palpatine recoils in horror, lightsaber returns*

Mace: "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. You were sayin' something about 'best intentions?' What's the matter? Oh, y-you were finished? Oh, well, allow me to retort! What does Master Yoda look like?"

Palpatine: "What?"

Mace: "What planet are you from?"

Palpatine: "What?"

Mace: "'What' ain't no planet I ever heard of! They speak Basic on 'What?!'"

Palpatine: "What?"

Mace: "Basic, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!"

Palpatine: "Yes!"

Mace: "Then you know what I'm saying."

Palpatine: "Yes..."

Mace: "Describe what Master Yoda looks like!"

Palpatine: "What?"

Mace: "Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say 'what' one more goddamn time!"

Palpatine: "He-he's green."

Mace: "Go on!"

Palpatine: "He's bald."

Mace: "Does he look like a bitch?"

Palpatine: "What?!"

*Mace throws his lightsaber into Palpatine's shoulder, Palpatine screams, lightsaber returns*

Mace: "Does he look … like … a bitch?!"

Palpatine: "No-o!"

Mace: "Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Chancellor?"

Palptaine: "I didn't!"

Mace: "Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Chancellor! You tried to fuck him. And Master Yoda don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Yoda. You read the Jedi Code, Chancellor?"

Palpatine: "Yes."

Mace: "Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, sort'a fits the occasion. Vandar 11:38? 'The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of the Dark Side, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost younglings. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is the Dark Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!'"

*Palpatine shrieks in horror as Mace and the Jedi stab him repeatedly*

Luke: "Man this is long."

Obi-Wan: "Not nearly as long as that last caption."

Lando: "Lord Vader, what about the turkey and the stuffing?"

Vader: "They must never again leave this kitchen."

Lando: "That was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving Cobb salad to this bounty hunter!"

Vader: "I am altering the meal, pray I don't alter it any further."

Lando: "This meal's getting worse all the time."

Ackbar: "It's a stroke!"

 

[SeerSGB]

Anakin: But you're my teacher.
Padme: What happens in Mos Eppa, stays in Mos Eppa

Luke: My father's lightsaber!
Obi-Wan: Well like his third or fourth one, little shit kept dropping them...and that bit about him wanting you to have it? Yeah, no so much the truth as me yanking your chain.

Ackbar: Looks like I picked a bad day to stop drinking

 

[Rat Boy]

Anakin: "I'm a slave living on a desert planet! If a female Rodian came in here, I'd be coming on to her, too!"

Dooku: "And if any one of you mentions the word 'vampire' around me again, I'll bitchslap you into next Thursday."

Palpatine: "What? I wasn't masturbating to porn, I just...needed some exercise."

Obi-Wan: "That droid of yours reminds me of an annoying piece of shit your father used to own. If I were you, I'd hack that thing's head off right now."

Vader: "Wait a minute. When did you start talking with an accent?"

Ackbar: "I knew I shouldn't have put up that '200 Days Since Not Falling Into a Trap' sign."

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Anakin: "Are you an angel?"

Obi-Wan on Naboo cruiser: "I just felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a billion fanboys suddenly threw up a little in their mouths."

Poggle to aide: "What is this one ring he keeps talking about?"

Windu: "For the last time, it's not a gaysaber!"

Obi-Wan: "It's a fluorescent lightbulb. Your father wanted you to have it, but your uncle wouldn't hear of it. Thought you might go off on an eco-crusade and stock up on energy saving lightbulbs."

Vader: "I am Luke Skywalker's father."
Fett: "Yeah, well technically I'm my own father. Beat that!"

Ackbar: "Blend you name, price I name, or coffee no."

Grignak os: "Hey, fishfaced asswipe I am!"

 

[Alrik]

Anakin (under breath): "When I get older, I'm soooo going to tap that."

Padme: "I'm sorry, did you say something little boy?"

Anakin: "Er, oh, I was just wondering, are you and angel?"

Obi-Wan: "Be sure to use it with caution, you wouldn't believe how easy it is for one of those things to take a hand off."

Fett: "Impossible, I'm the most feared bounty hunter in all the galaxy."

Vader: "Be that as it may, I still sense that you will die like a bitch."

Ackbar: "Alright, who's the smart ass that ordered the vat of butter?"

 

[Rat Boy]

Anakin: "You mention sand again and I'll cut you!"

Dooku: "...and the Republic shall tremble in fear of our baritone-voiced droid army."

Nute Gunray: "Uh, seems there was a little mix-up at the factory. They now all sound like whiny bitches."

Mace: "And would you stop pointing yours down there, Kit? I heard about that little 'accident' you had on Boz Pity."

Skywalker: "Gee, thanks for the cool weapon, stranger."

NBC's Chris Hansen (off camera): "Mr. Kenobi? I'm NBC's Chris Hansen. Why don't you have a seat?"

Kenobi: "Shit, I should've known this was a sting."

Boba Fett: "And why does everyone keep calling me 'bounty hunter?' I do have a name, you know."

Ackbar: "That twit Crynd's buzzing the bridge again, isn't he? I swear one of these days he's going to hit somebody."

 

[Alrik]

Anakin: "I'll give you 25 credits if you show 'em to me."

Dooku: "Then it's settled. My master has agreed that if you join us, everyone will get three weeks vacation and full medical and dental. All in favor?"

Kit: "Lemme at 'im. I'm gunna smoke his punk ass."

Mace: "Hey bitch, that's my line."

Ben: "He was a cunning warrior...and a good friend."

Luke: "So, how'd he die?"

Ben: "Oh that. I cut his arm and legs off and left him to burn in a lava river, but that's another story."

Vader: "You have an impressive resume, Bounty Hunter, but the question is.....do you do windows?"

Ackbar: "I got a baaaad feeling about this."

 

[cooleddie74]

ANAKIN: Don't give me any crap, babe.

Or I'll strangle you to death with my thoughts.

NOW...take that shirt off.

SLOWLY.

THREEPIO: Oh, wonderful.

As if THAT image isn't going to make anyone think you're any less GAY, Master Luke!!

It's a bluescreen shaped like a TARP!!!!

 

[cooleddie74]

BEN: An elegant weapon...from a more CIVILIZED age.

LUKE: Does it open cans?

BEN: You better believe your whiny little ASS it does, son.

 

[Gepard]

LUKE: "It's been like this for nearly four hours. What should I do?"

BEN: "Brag."

 

[cooleddie74]

ANAKIN: Your boobs are smaller than those of the angels who live on one of the moons of Iego.

You need implants, babe.

DOOKU: You want FULL health insurance and three paid weekends off after just a MONTH in the Separatist movement?!!?!?

Do I look like I'm made of Republic credits over here?!?!? It's a galactic recession, you know!!!

MACE: Kit...you take him from the left. Agen? The right. I'll confront him right down the middle.

And Saesee?

You go in from behind. Just like all those nights at that cantina on the lower levels of the city.

LUKE: WOW.

It reminds me of my very first Cub Scout Jamboree!

BEN: I'm not EVEN going to ask.

VADER: I am ALTERING the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further!

BOBA: Uhhhhh, Calrissian's over there, My Lord. I'M Boba.

VADER: Damn mask lenses. I need to get them replaced.

Why didn't anyone TELL ME this Death Star was SO DAMN BIG?!?!?!

RUN AWAY!!!!

RUN AWAY!!!!!

 

[cooleddie74]

ANAKIN: Ten wupiupi says I can get you out of those clothes, baby.

You in?

 

[Nerys Myk]

ACKBAR: You there, in the audience. Yeah, I'm talkin to you JJ Abrams! As a Star Trek fan I'm asking you to leave this theatre before you get any stupid ideas!

 

[BriGuy]

The ensign's last mistake was telling the admiral there was sushi on that night's dinner menu.

 

[cooleddie74]

Can SOMEONE HERE PLEASE find out where the hell my damned eyelids went?!

I'm trying to command this fleet here!!!

 

[cooleddie74]

LUKE: WOW. Where'd my father get it?

BEN: Long story short...he and I were in this strip club in the lower levels on Coruscant. And he won a bet.

 

[Rat Boy]

Luke: "How come you never gave this to me before?"

Kenobi: "Your uncle gave me some crap about you cutting your own hand off. The hell does that dumb hick know, anyway?"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Ackbar: "It's a faaaaaake!"

Everyone else:

Ackbar: "*ahem* That is to say, it's a trap. Yes. A trap. Sorry..."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Anakin: "Are you a whore?"

Padme: "What?!"

Anakin: "They live on the moons of Iego, I think..."

Padme: "Nice try, buddy"

Dooku (singing while waving hand to and fro): "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."

Poggle the Lesser (thinking): "Well, damn me. These 'ancient human battle hymns' are impressive.

*starts tapping along with his staff*

It is discovered that the shadowy figure of the Chancellor, regally seated in shadow for the last three days as recorded on the Jedi security cameras, is in fact a puppet propped up in the chair and draped in a robe.

C-3PO suddenly remembers the backstory with the prequal trilogy and his previous service to the Lars family. Then he has to sit down very suddenly.

Lobot (thinking): "They're talking about me again, I know it"

*Fett giggles as Vader sneaks a look round at Lobot. They all laugh then huddle again*