Married People: Do You Do Girls'/Guys' Nights?

[K'Ehleyr]

I'm engaged but man still spends every Friday night at his house after a night out at the pub with "the guys". (Actually I think there's probably only one or two) but it makes him happy and leaves me time to watch soaps, have a long bath, shave my legs and slather myself in gunk! Weird thing is we both actually go to bed earlier alone than we do when we're together

Man does actively encourage me to go out with others ~ I have a couple of "consorts" that will take me to lunch, the theatre ~ basically anything he doesn't want to do with me and other people pay for

But, as to your question Kestra, if you don't want to go ~ don't. If you're happy at home with your man then stay there and ask yourself why your friends want to escape

ETA... and when man is staying at his we talk more on the phone for goodnight chats than we probably do in a normal evening WTF?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I'm engaged

Really? Cool! Congratulations K!

*mutters under breath* the guy's a lucky SOB....

leaves me time to watch soaps, have a long bath, shave my legs and slather myself in gunk!

*faints*

What?

Me, if I was married, I would definitely have my own interests that did not necessarily always intersect with my wife's. Unless I was lucky enough to marry someone who was into baseball.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Non-married people can contribute thoughts too!

FWIW, this non-married person doesn't really understand the problem. I can't imagine being SO into somebody, anybody, that you'd want to be with them 24/7 or that you wouldn't want time out from them occasionally and want to hang out with other people instead.

*shrug* Mind you, this probably partly explains why I'm not married.

Again, just FWIW, off the top of my head, most of the married people I know do balance time together vs. time with their respective friends, though I think there are some that are more focused just on each other.

From the outside, I don't really perceive either way of dealing with marriage as being a determinant of whether their marriages are happy or not. It seems to be more whether both parties in the marriage are compatible in their worldview on this issue.

I'm on the same boat. Not married, but being in a long time relationship. Maybe living together will change things, and kids definitely will, but I think it's healthy to have some time apart from your SO. In my opinion, you don't have to share every single facet of your life with them. So the occasional guys'/girls' night is good; the same for independent interests (sports, movies, games, whatever). Just to throw in a number, I say once every other week is a good balance, and maybe some bigger event once maybe twice a year, like a couples of days out for fishing (cue to Brokeback Mountain's theme ). However, longer holidays would feel weird in my opinion.

But mostly, it's a matter of finding a balance within the couple. There is no right answer, for sure.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

I'm engaged

Really? Cool! Congratulations K!

*mutters under breath* the guy's a lucky SOB....

leaves me time to watch soaps, have a long bath, shave my legs and slather myself in gunk!

*faints*

What?

Me, if I was married, I would definitely have my own interests that did not necessarily always intersect with my wife's. Unless I was lucky enough to marry someone who was into baseball.

Thank you MLB, He knows it!
And wishing you New Year's Wishes for a gorgeous girlfriend who loves baseball

 

[May 20]

When I was teaching, a 'girls' night out' held absolutely no appeal for me. I wanted to be at home with my DH and kids. Plus I was just plain tired. After I became a SAHM, I found the idea of time with other adult females very appealing. I met up with a small group of women for dinner and board games once every six weeks or so. It was fun. Now, I meet some friends for breakfast on Saturday once a month or so. And I enjoy that, too.

DH used to golf every Saturday. He enjoyed time with his friends and generally came home tired but relaxed. I really wouldn't mind if he took up golf again. It would be good for him.

I've been away overnight once just for fun when I attended my HS reunion. But DH didn't want to go with me, and he was fine with my going alone. Generally, though, I wouldn't be one for separate vacations. A few hours now and then is good, though.

shiv, would be she open to you hosting the D&D game at your house one time? IIRC, from DH's D&D days, once would probably be enough for her to be happy you all weren't playing at your house.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

... like a couples of days out for fishing (cue to Brokeback Mountain's theme )...

I knew ~ I just knew

 

[shivkala]

Four kids at home pretty much precludes me hosting D&D at my home May. Besides that's not the issue. Me not getting out enough is part of it, though, so D&D out of the house is a bit of an escape for me. Problem is, I'm not the type to look for things to do, but I am the type to complain about being styck at home. I guess I'm pretty screwed up!

 

[Small White Car]

Neither my wife or I really have friends who aren't friends with both of us.

So it'd be kind of weird for us one of us to go out without the other. Like, why would one of us stay behind when we're both friends with the person we're going out with?

 

[Mallory]

We never really did "Girls'/Guys' Nights" out. My wife came back from the honeymoon pregnant and our oldest was born nine months and nine days after we got back and we really focused on the family for the first five or six years (three kids). After the last one we spent a few years where I worked days and she worked nights, which didn't leave a whole lot of free time.

Now that my wife is a graduate assistant, she'll get together with the other GA's once a week but that's mostly work related. And I don't begrudge her a bit. When I was working I used to do the occasional lunch or happy hour with co-workers but that was primarily work related as well.

 

[shivkala]

I hear that Mallory. With four kids, time spent going out together is rare (and expensive!).

 

[Kestra]

Thanks for the responses! I guess the issue is the frequency, and the fact that I feel like I'm being abnormal because my friends don't seem to understand. I got married in July of '09. In September, my three friends planned a trip for us to go D.C. Now I was iffy on going since I had just gotten married and had barely even taken any trips with my husband, but I figured we had never done anything like this before so I went.

Then in April or so, they wanted to go to Vegas. I felt really bad, but eventually I just flat out said that I wasn't going to go. I didn't want to use up a holiday weekend and all that money. The trip fell through because of me. They decided to get a room in downtown Chicago instead, so I did that, and it was alright. I've also done that for the occasional bachelorette party. But now one of the girls booked a hotel room as a Christmas present for all of us and while it's really nice I just feel like ... it fits in with her lifestyle, not mine.

Someone upthread mentioned hangovers and such and while it's not all that bad, they do sometimes want to go clubbing or something like that and I just feel awkward. I like dancing more than most people, but I'm just not comfortable dancing with random people in a club anymore. I think this weekend they want to take a pole-dancing class.

My husband and I do spend evenings apart and I often hang out with friends and such, but I think it's the overnight/vacation type thing that really bothers me. I guess it surprises me because although I come from a conservative background, I never thought I'd be this conservative on the subject myself. And occasionally I find it difficult to balance things.

 

[Shaw]

Not really... I've gone out and done things with friends without my wife and she has done things with friends without me, but usually those are things we wouldn't have done together anyways. And I know that for me, I'd rather her come along if she wants (she is, after all, my best friend).

It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that.

-and-​

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

That sounds like dangerous territory to me.

When "friends" start injecting themselves into your marriage, it is time to seriously reevaluate what type of friends they actually are. The fastest way to get on my bad side is to attack (in any way) my wife in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, saying things about my wife is the same as saying things about me. And attempting to put a wedge between my wife and I is really a bad place to go with me.

Girls'/Guys' Nights aside, if you have friends attempting to seed issues in your relationship with your husband, you should start looking for different friends.

And if you want to keep these friends, I would strongly suggest confronting them if they attempt that type of thing in the future. If they know not to cross that line, there is a good chance that they won't after you've made it perfectly clear to them.

Sorry for going on about that, but that is a major red flag for me.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

It's all about balance. I go out every Thursday for about 1 1/2-2 hours after racquetball. My wife goes out with her girlfriends probably 1-2 times a month.

As far as overnighters, I've generally forgotten about them since our daughter was born last year. I do have all the freedom to go on any mancation I want, just as my wife can go with her friends. Oh, every year she goes to NYC on a day trip with the girls and I usually go

 

[TheLonelySquire]

It's all about balance. I go out every Thursday for about 1 1/2-2 hours after racquetball. My wife goes out with her girlfriends probably 1-2 times a month.

As far as overnighters, I've generally forgotten about them since our daughter was born last year. I do have all the freedom to go on any mancation I want, just as my wife can go with her friends. Oh, every year she goes to NYC on a day trip with the girls and I usually go to the Big East Basketball Tournament for a day, but come home at night.

Oh, RJ, I don't have Man Town, but I do have the Man Cave in the basement. Complete with a ST-TOS bathroom.

At the end of the day (or night) I guess I'd rather spend my time with my wife and family. That's what really matters to us.

 

[The Sneeze Police]

Been married 12 years. We do not do everything together, and like Trampledamage, my husband likes to socialize more than I do. Sometimes he'll go do something with friends without me, since I prefer to stay at home. The only real tension is when he really really wants me to go out with other folks (and him) and I do not wish to go.

We occasionally visit family without the other, so the birth family gets some time without the spouse, but we also visit family together, too. It just depends.

 

[trampledamage]

Thanks for the responses! I guess the issue is the frequency, and the fact that I feel like I'm being abnormal because my friends don't seem to understand. I got married in July of '09. In September, my three friends planned a trip for us to go D.C. Now I was iffy on going since I had just gotten married and had barely even taken any trips with my husband, but I figured we had never done anything like this before so I went.

Then in April or so, they wanted to go to Vegas. I felt really bad, but eventually I just flat out said that I wasn't going to go. I didn't want to use up a holiday weekend and all that money. The trip fell through because of me. They decided to get a room in downtown Chicago instead, so I did that, and it was alright. I've also done that for the occasional bachelorette party. But now one of the girls booked a hotel room as a Christmas present for all of us and while it's really nice I just feel like ... it fits in with her lifestyle, not mine.

Someone upthread mentioned hangovers and such and while it's not all that bad, they do sometimes want to go clubbing or something like that and I just feel awkward. I like dancing more than most people, but I'm just not comfortable dancing with random people in a club anymore. I think this weekend they want to take a pole-dancing class.

My husband and I do spend evenings apart and I often hang out with friends and such, but I think it's the overnight/vacation type thing that really bothers me. I guess it surprises me because although I come from a conservative background, I never thought I'd be this conservative on the subject myself. And occasionally I find it difficult to balance things.

Your friends need to grow up! Even if you weren't married, there's no reason for you to feel pressured into going away on holidays that you're not comfortable with.

A holiday like the trip to Vegas shouldn't fall through just because you alone are not going. Either they're doing it deliberately to make you feel guilty - which is very unfair, or more people than you didn't really want to go but didn't want to admit it and used you as an excuse - also unfair.

If saying you don't want to be away from your husband causes too many different arguments that you don't want to bother with, then don't bother giving them a reason just say you don't fancy that particular holiday. It's not school, you don't have to go.

 

[SeerSGB]

Not really... I've gone out and done things with friends without my wife and she has done things with friends without me, but usually those are things we wouldn't have done together anyways. And I know that for me, I'd rather her come along if she wants (she is, after all, my best friend).

It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that.

-and-​

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

That sounds like dangerous territory to me.

When "friends" start injecting themselves into your marriage, it is time to seriously reevaluate what type of friends they actually are. The fastest way to get on my bad side is to attack (in any way) my wife in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, saying things about my wife is the same as saying things about me. And attempting to put a wedge between my wife and I is really a bad place to go with me.

Girls'/Guys' Nights aside, if you have friends attempting to seed issues in your relationship with your husband, you should start looking for different friends.

And if you want to keep these friends, I would strongly suggest confronting them if they attempt that type of thing in the future. If they know not to cross that line, there is a good chance that they won't after you've made it perfectly clear to them.

Sorry for going on about that, but that is a major red flag for me.

What I bolded a thousand times this. Remember, you married the person cause you supposedly love them, "forsaking all others"; you didn't marry your friends. If your friends don't like your marriage or how your conduct it, that's THEIR problem not yours and they need to deal with it or find the door.

 

[Shikarnov]

Not really... I've gone out and done things with friends without my wife and she has done things with friends without me, but usually those are things we wouldn't have done together anyways. And I know that for me, I'd rather her come along if she wants (she is, after all, my best friend).

It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that.

-and-​

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

That sounds like dangerous territory to me.

When "friends" start injecting themselves into your marriage, it is time to seriously reevaluate what type of friends they actually are. The fastest way to get on my bad side is to attack (in any way) my wife in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, saying things about my wife is the same as saying things about me. And attempting to put a wedge between my wife and I is really a bad place to go with me.

Girls'/Guys' Nights aside, if you have friends attempting to seed issues in your relationship with your husband, you should start looking for different friends.

And if you want to keep these friends, I would strongly suggest confronting them if they attempt that type of thing in the future. If they know not to cross that line, there is a good chance that they won't after you've made it perfectly clear to them.

Sorry for going on about that, but that is a major red flag for me.

What I bolded a thousand times this. Remember, you married the person cause you supposedly love them, "forsaking all others"; you didn't marry your friends. If your friends don't like your marriage or how your conduct it, that's THEIR problem not yours and they need to deal with it or find the door.

QFT (Both TheGallifreyanSith and Shaw)

 

[SeerSGB]

I always get a laugh out of old/ex friends that I run into and they say "Being married changed you, I'm not sure I like it" or words to that affect; saying it like their offended that they weren't consulted on my choice or actually had any say in the matter. Last I heard, getting married was a deeply personal decision that was a matter between the two people getting married, not your friends.

 

[Nomad V]

We don't get out enough period. About once a quarter I head up to the "Camp" for some guy time with cousins for a weekend, or I head to DC or Pittsburgh for some time with college chums. The wife heads out to visit family once in a while. Regardless, getting out in the rural areas hinges on getting baby sitters and the time to do it. So weekends away are doable, date nights once in a while too. Vacations are always family things unless work keeps me home, which has happened.