Married People: Do You Do Girls'/Guys' Nights?

[Yeoman Randi]

TheGallifreyanSith
I'm curious, and i hope you don't mind, but how old are you and how many years have you been married?

I should have added in my post that my husband has a sailboat and he sails spring, summer and fall. He sails some nights when he gets home from work. He sails on the weekends and he competitively races. Sailing is a HUGE part of his life and it makes him a happier person. I cannot go out with him because I get motion sick and quite frankly, i have no interest in sailing. The few times i went out with him i got sick...and the times i didnt get sick i sat there thinking of all the other things i could be doing while i was out tooling around on the bay. I'm way to ADD to sail!

But it's OK. Sure he doesn't sail overnight (although he has had the opportunity in some of the races to do so)...he doesn't want to. And not because of me, but because he thinks it would be too much "boat time" for him.

My point of adding this post is...almost everyone needs something more in their lives than just their spouse or children. Because when the kids are gone (in college or with their own lives) the husband and wife will find themselves with nothing to do and that could be a problem. Sorry, but there IS more to life than being a wife and mother. I've done it all, been a strictly stay at home mom, been a mom that had a business inside the home, been a mom that worked outside the home. You gotta do what makes you happy because if you don't you will be a miserable person and not a very good mom.

Now, there certainly are women who LOVE being strictly a wife and mother. And that's fine for them! If that is what brings them joy, then more power to them!! But everyone is different, and no one...NO ONE should judge what a parent does or doesn't do. You haven't walked in their shoes and you never will.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

^ I'm curious, and i hope you don't mind, but how old are you and how many years have you been married?

I should have added in my post that my husband has a sailboat and he sails spring, summer and fall. He sails some nights when he gets home from work. He sails on the weekends and he competitively races. Sailing is a HUGE part of his life and it makes him a happier person. I cannot go out with him because I get motion sick and quite frankly, i have no interest in sailing. The few times i went out with him i got sick...and the times i didnt get sick i sat there thinking of all the other things i could be doing while i was out tooling around on the bay. I'm way to ADD to sail!

But it's OK. Sure he doesn't sail overnight (although he has had the opportunity in some of the races to do so)...he doesn't want to. And not because of me, but because he thinks it would be too much "boat time" for him.

My point of adding this post is...almost everyone needs something more in their lives than just their spouse or children. Because when the kids are gone (in college or with their own lives) the husband and wife will find themselves with nothing to do and that could be a problem. Sorry, but there IS more to life than being a wife and mother. I've done it all, been a strictly stay at home mom, been a mom that had a business inside the home, been a mom that worked outside the home. You gotta do what makes you happy because if you don't you will be a miserable person and not a very good mom.

Now, there certainly are women who LOVE being strictly a wife and mother. And that's fine for them! If that is what brings them joy, then more power to them!! But everyone is different, and no one...NO ONE should judge what a parent does or doesn't do. You haven't walked in their shoes and you never will.

4 years in June. I should clarify a little bit from my original post. My wife and I are both very independent. We have a daughter we adore and spend a lot of time together doing stuff with her.

We have seperate interests, and therefore we occasionally do things without eachother. I do not go out to the casino for a weekend without my wife. I travel on business and try to bring her. That being said, she has her playgroup with the little one and her friends with that area and I have my friends. It's a happy medium.

 

[Galactus]

I really don't think everyone is actually talking about the same thing. There is a difference between having interests that your spouse doesn't share and going out all the time just to hang out at bars with your friends. There is a difference between watching a movie late at night after your child goes to sleep and going out with the guys/gals to get away from your kids and spouse. It seems for most in this thread there is a line that each has they would not cross, problem is everyone has a different line.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Something a little off topic but that comes to my mind: We love our kids and absolutely want to be there for them, do for them, and build our world around them....

but...they do run off and have their own lives. So what happens when they do? What does that mom and dad do then? It's very easy to say "then you have your life together"...but if you haven't built a life outside of your kids....then what is there?

And.....a very sad thing......i unfortunately know of 4 families that have lost children at young ages. One of the families built their life around their only child. When she died at age 19, the world ended for them (as it would for any couple). But, the husband had a job to go to and a life outside of being a husband and parent. He is 'surviving' the loss. The wife had nothing but the daughter. Now the daughter is gone. And the wife has all but lost her mind. She didn't have a life outside of her child...she didn't have any interests or hobbies or anything other than her child. And she is literally just losing it at this point (3 years later).

I'm not so sure that it is entirely healthy for a person/parent to have nothing but their spouse and children.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

4 years in June. I should clarify a little bit from my original post. My wife and I are both very independent. We have a daughter we adore and spend a lot of time together doing stuff with her.

We have seperate interests, and therefore we occasionally do things without eachother. I do not go out to the casino for a weekend without my wife. I travel on business and try to bring her. That being said, she has her playgroup with the little one and her friends with that area and I have my friends. It's a happy medium.

Hi, apologies Alpha....i didnt realize you had posted in between me and TheGallifreyanSith...it was her/him? i meant to direct my question to.


ANYWAY....for some couples a boys/girls night out is fine, for others it isnt. To the OP...whatever you and your husband are comfortable and happy with (as long as it's mutual) is what you should worry about..and don't worry about your spouse-less friends for "not getting it". Someday they probably will!

 

[Galactus]

I think that says more about that individual than anything else. Many people have gone through similar things but manage to get through. There are people that have many outside interests but still lose it when a child or spouse dies.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

My husband and i will be celebrating our 30th this summer.

K, congratulations on your engagement!

Thanks YR and congratulations on 30 years In this day and age that's a pretty good achievement

And I'm going with the 'it's down to the couple' thing and to not let your friends decide what you should do!

Oh and also ~ if you have children I think it's important to get some time away, the kids enjoy different company too.

 

[John Picard]

Something a little off topic but that comes to my mind: We love our kids and absolutely want to be there for them, do for them, and build our world around them....

but...they do run off and have their own lives. So what happens when they do? What does that mom and dad do then? It's very easy to say "then you have your life together"...but if you haven't built a life outside of your kids....then what is there?

And.....a very sad thing......i unfortunately know of 4 families that have lost children at young ages. One of the families built their life around their only child. When she died at age 19, the world ended for them (as it would for any couple). But, the husband had a job to go to and a life outside of being a husband and parent. He is 'surviving' the loss. The wife had nothing but the daughter. Now the daughter is gone. And the wife has all but lost her mind. She didn't have a life outside of her child...she didn't have any interests or hobbies or anything other than her child. And she is literally just losing it at this point (3 years later).

I'm not so sure that it is entirely healthy for a person/parent to have nothing but their spouse and children.

You hit the nail on the head. A lot of parents who make their child/children their lives literally crack-up when the children leave the nest. They have no clue what to do later in life. I have always let my son know that as his father my job is to be a mentor. I am someone charged with teaching him to be a responsible citizen of the world and to prepare him for the day when he is on his own. There is nothing worse for a person than to be clingy to his parent(s), or the parent(s) to be clingy to the child.

 

[SeerSGB]

TheGallifreyanSith
I'm curious, and i hope you don't mind, but how old are you and how many years have you been married?

Not that it particularly matters, but I'm' 33 and been married going on 8 years now. Don't miss a single bit of the "single life" or "getting out of the house". I was was ready to settle down and have a family, so why would or should I want different when I made the choice. Got one son with a second on the way, and not once have I said or thought I needed to "unwind" or "Get away for a little bit" from my son or my wife.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

I cannot help but go with

 

[SeerSGB]

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

I cannot help but go with

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

 

[Galactus]

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

See that is the sad thing right there. I will say again, I don't see how two working parents with kids have enough time to even think about going out with friends, especially if your children are active and you work long hours. There are only 24 hours in a day.

 

[John Picard]

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

I cannot help but go with

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

You have a valid point, due to your parents actions, which no one should fault you; however, it appears that you're trying extra hard to make up for that by being "a better dad than your dad was". Being a better dad is great and should be commended, but take some time for yourself once in a while. You, your wife, and the children will appreciate it.

 

[SeerSGB]

I cannot help but go with

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

You have a valid point, due to your parents actions, which no one should fault you; however, it appears that you're trying extra hard to make up for that by being "a better dad than your dad was". Being a better dad is great and should be commended, but take some time for yourself once in a while. You, your wife, and the children will appreciate it.

How is that fair to the kids, eh? I work freelance, which means I bust ass online, on the phone, going out and meeting people to get contracts and bring in money to help the family. So at the end of the "work day" should I be selfish and take "me time" or spend it with the kids?

 

[ST-One]

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

I cannot help but go with

Agreed.
It looks like TheGallifreyanSith is living the joke that your life ends once you have children.
I'm sorry but I don't think it's at all healthy for parents to define themselves through their children or live life only for their children. That's the road to... an really empty house and life for the parents once those children leave to live lives of their own.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

TheGallifreyanSith
I'm curious, and i hope you don't mind, but how old are you and how many years have you been married?

Not that it particularly matters, but I'm' 33 and been married going on 8 years now.

<snip>

Actually, i think that it does matter a bit....see, I've got 20 years in age and 22 more years of marriage on you and so my life and marriage are in a different place than yours is. So i think that helps me understand your ideas. At your age (and being married for that short a time) i absolutely had no desire to go out with the girls or go away without my husband. But with almost 30 years under our belt, some alone time (or movie night with the girls, sailing weekends for him, or convention week for me)
having something other than each other and our almost 16 year old (who at this point in HER life barely wants to acknowledge that she ever spawned from us) is a very good thing.

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

I cannot help but go with

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

You and i have A LOT more in common than you think! My parents were that way too. I didn't mind their card nights (dad played cards with the guys, mom played cards and mah jong with her friends)....

BUT they went away on many vacations without us (they rarely took us anywhere)....so that was one thing i was DETERMINED not to do when i had kids. So my husband and i would almost always take the kids on vacation with us. We did do a couple of trips just the two of us, but there were MANY more with the kids. That's how i liked it!

As far as there only being 24 hours in a day: I was an extremely attentive mom to my son. I sat on the floor and played matchbox cars with him for hours. I did crafts with him, took him places, did really, EVERYTHING i could. By the end of the day i was fried to the max. Two hours at the movies once a week with my girlfriend while my husband watched our son (and got some real nice one on one time with him) did everyone good!

 

[John Picard]

What can I say, I'm a product of parents that "needed to get out of the house". Dad had to hang out with his buddies, and mom had to have her friends. I learned early on-- about 8 or 9 years old when I first asked my folks why they had me if they didn't want to be around me-- that some people just shouldn't have kids and are to worried about their friends and having a "life outside the home" to put their kids first. For several years my grandparents more or less raised me while dad was out doing his thing and mom was off doing hers. Saw one in the morning, the other at night.

You have a valid point, due to your parents actions, which no one should fault you; however, it appears that you're trying extra hard to make up for that by being "a better dad than your dad was". Being a better dad is great and should be commended, but take some time for yourself once in a while. You, your wife, and the children will appreciate it.

How is that fair to the kids, eh? I work freelance, which means I bust ass online, on the phone, going out and meeting people to get contracts and bring in money to help the family. So at the end of the "work day" should I be selfish and take "me time" or spend it with the kids?

"Me time" is not selfish. If you can't take care of yourself, then how can you take care of the children?

Just think about it.

 

[1001001]

You have a valid point, due to your parents actions, which no one should fault you; however, it appears that you're trying extra hard to make up for that by being "a better dad than your dad was". Being a better dad is great and should be commended, but take some time for yourself once in a while. You, your wife, and the children will appreciate it.

How is that fair to the kids, eh? I work freelance, which means I bust ass online, on the phone, going out and meeting people to get contracts and bring in money to help the family. So at the end of the "work day" should I be selfish and take "me time" or spend it with the kids?

"Me time" is not selfish. If you can't take care of yourself, then how can you take care of the children?

Just think about it.

Exactly.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

GallifreyanSith:

Please don't misunderstand me...I think what you are doing and how you feel about your family is wonderful. I'm not knocking it. But, i do think that further down the road, when the kids are a little older and when you have been married a bit longer, you or your wife (or both of you) will find that you really do need some "me" time. If and when that happens don' think you've failed.

Everyone eventually needs some me time, as the two posters before me said!

As long as that happens before your kids are old enough to move on without you, and you have something more than "just" them, you'll do fine!

 

[Galactus]

Ok which is it. Everyone has to do what is right for them or there is one right way? Everyone doesn't need "me" time, some people do. Other people want to be together every second they can? Neither is wrong and neither is right, they are just different. People are different you know.