Married People: Do You Do Girls'/Guys' Nights?

[Kestra]

Just reaching out to the married people on the board. How often do you go out for a night with the girls or guys? Do you ever take vacations with just your friends, and not your family? Is there a difference to you between hanging out with your friends for an evening, or being gone for a night?

I have a group of friends that I love, but they keep wanting to do trips or just doing a night on the town and getting a hotel room for the night, and I'm not super into it. Is that odd? It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that. I just don't like to be apart for the night or if we are, I don't like to do it often. I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

How do other people handle the situation? Does it just not matter to you, and you and your spouse are okay parting ways for trips and such?

Non-married people can contribute thoughts too!

 

[Shikarnov]

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

Your friends are idiots. You should do (or not) what feels right for you, and what will be healthy for your marriage.

Every marriage is different, but in mine, my wife and I try not to part for extended periods unless it's necessary. We have time with our friends, but never overnight. We like sleeping in our own bed, comfortable in our own house, etc. And we see no reason to waste money needlessly.

Of course, I've never had friends suggest an overnight adventure, but I'd tend to look at them a little strangely if they did. Going home, having sex with my wife, and sleeping in the next morning ... These all sound a lot better that running around like a bunch of hooligans all night, getting drunk and into trouble, and waking up in a strange place with a wicked hangover/headache. I mean, what is this, the 8th grade?

 

[RJDiogenes]

That sort of thing has always sounded very old-fashioned to me. Because of my life and jobs, I've spent most of my time socializing with women and I don't exactly feel like I've been missing anything. I really don't understand the urge to self-segregate based on sex or ethnicity or anything like that.

At my Mother's new house, they have a room set up in the basement for my Father that is basically a den; but it's all sports oriented and they call it "Man Town." I'm not even kidding. Visiting my parents is like traveling through a Time Warp to the 1950s.

 

[Kestra]

These all sound a lot better that running around like a bunch of hooligans all night, getting drunk and into trouble, and waking up in a strange place with a wicked hangover/headache. I mean, what is this, the 8th grade?

That's not really how it goes down.

 

[Spot's Meow]

I'm not married yet, but I do live with my future husband and feel much the same way you do. But, I wouldn't really want to go out and do those sorts of things with friends even if I was single. I hate sleeping away from home.

Also, it's understandable when your significant other is your best friend. Of course you will want to spend more time with them than with your other friends.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't want to spend the night elsewhere without John much the same way that I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a party without him. Activities, no matter how great they are, just aren't as fun when he's not there to share them with.

 

[Aurian]

Just reaching out to the married people on the board. How often do you go out for a night with the girls or guys? Do you ever take vacations with just your friends, and not your family? Is there a difference to you between hanging out with your friends for an evening, or being gone for a night?

I have a group of friends that I love, but they keep wanting to do trips or just doing a night on the town and getting a hotel room for the night, and I'm not super into it. Is that odd? It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that. I just don't like to be apart for the night or if we are, I don't like to do it often. I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

How do other people handle the situation? Does it just not matter to you, and you and your spouse are okay parting ways for trips and such?

Non-married people can contribute thoughts too!

Well, it depends on the situation really. I have a very good girl-gang who don't hang out too often, but we are tight as sisters. Some traditions have stuck around. We have simple things that invade "family times" such as christmasbreakfast every year. Something that we have been doing for the past 17 years or so.
We have done cruises, overnight on partyboats etc etc. Parties that are not "bring your SO"..

My reasoning is that if it is ok with my boyfriend and my kid (if it falls on a week when kiddo lives with us) then it has to be ok.I would much much rather be with my SO than hang with the girls.. and goodness knows I would much rather stay home than go on work-conferences no matter what fun we might have planned. I am never going to do stupid stuff to jepordize the trust and love.
But if it is a situation that I have to participate in - such as bachlerette parties etc. Then I will.
Im a fairly boring girl, party-wise. I go out once every few months at the most which also helps I suppose. He is prolly dying to get rid of me every once in a while

Just find a balance, time and fun times apart is not bad. Will allow you to miss eachother a little bit and imagine all the fun things that little longing can bring later on .
But if you are not comfortable with leaving your hubbys side, you should not feel forced to. Just remember that you should also nurish the bond to your friends a little bit. That being said, you dont have to do that by partying at some latenight hotel lounge..

 

[SeerSGB]

For me, I don't believe in girls/guys nights out. I got married for a reason: I wanted to spend my life with one person; if I wanted still go out and live the single life, I would have stayed single.

 

[Ruaidhri]

When I was married, my ex believed that a married couple should never do anything (social or entertaining separately). I found this suffocating and extreme. It essentially meant that I could do nothing that she didn't also want to do.

She and I had a many common interests, but we also had a lot of different ones, too, and I found that I was unable to enjoy a lot of what I loved about life because she couldn't compromise with me even just a little bit. I'm not talking about living the so-called "single life" while married, just being able to appreciate and respect the differences in each other. Some people need the time apart, and it helps them treasure the time together a little more. Others want the constant close comfort.

But you both have to be on the same page.

 

[SmoothieX]

If I'm spending valuable money and vacation time on it, I want to be with my wife. She's my best friend and I have my best times with her.

I'll meet up for lunch or a drink with a buddy. But I'm not all that big on having 'man time.'

 

[shivkala]

This is a point of contention between my wife and myself. I don't have a lot of friends I spend time with outside of work, she does. She goes out on a regular basis and I end up at home with the kids. Recently, I started playing D&D with a group to have a social outlet, but it's every other week (when that's possible) and we haven't played since early December.

It's difficult because she feels that she is entitled to go out and I feel left behind. She gets upset at this fact and I get upset, too, but either I acquiesce or she leaves angry that I am trying to "trap" her.

I equate it to the movie I Love You Man, where because I don't have a group of guys I hang out with, it's awkward trying to find some guys to hang out with.

Honestly, it's not that I want to trap my wife, I just feel that I'm her built in babysitter when she wants to go out and have fun with her friends.

 

[sidious618]

I'd leave my wife if she told me who I could and couldn't go places with or where I could and couldn't go so I guess my answer would be: go! Have fun! I'd never want my life to be based entirely on one person.

 

[Holdfast]

Non-married people can contribute thoughts too!

FWIW, this non-married person doesn't really understand the problem. I can't imagine being SO into somebody, anybody, that you'd want to be with them 24/7 or that you wouldn't want time out from them occasionally and want to hang out with other people instead.

*shrug* Mind you, this probably partly explains why I'm not married.

Again, just FWIW, off the top of my head, most of the married people I know do balance time together vs. time with their respective friends, though I think there are some that are more focused just on each other.

From the outside, I don't really perceive either way of dealing with marriage as being a determinant of whether their marriages are happy or not. It seems to be more whether both parties in the marriage are compatible in their worldview on this issue.

 

[trampledamage]

For us, we do like our separate time, but mostly that separate time involves mr trampledamage working in the basement and me up here writing or reading

He does like to go out, and I don't - so he goes with friends and I stay home. There's been occasional times that I have wanted to go out (watching Trek XI four times in the cinema ) and he's been happy to stay home.

If your friends are trying to make you do something you don't want to, then don't do it. I know I wouldn't want to go on that sort of "girl's night out" but I'm anti-social, so my opinion's not really relevant for that!

So long as you and your husband are happy with how things work out - that you both want to stay in or go out together or you're each happy for the other to go out - that's the important part.

 

[1001001]

We've been married for 17 years. At this point, we encourage each other to leave....




We each have our own interests, and are free to pursue them. She plays Bunco once a month, I have the guys over for football, etc.

A key to our marriage is that we don't expect the other partner to be everything to us. My wife is never going to, oh let's say...watch boxing with me. So I have friends for that. I'm never going scrapbooking (when the hell did that even become a verb??) with her, so she has friends for that.

As our best man read at our wedding:

"...And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."


That's what we believe, but every marriage is different. Be genuine to yourselves, and that's all that matters.

 

[T'Bonz]

I've been married for 30 years.

I used to bowl with friends on Friday night and he'd babysit.

He goes out once a month with the fellows to the pub.

Occasionally, we will vacation to see a friend or alone; in my case it's for Shore Leave (Trek convention) or Vulkon, or for a genealogy trip. But once a year we take a vacation together as a couple.

It's what you're comfortable with as a couple. Neither of us minds the occasional solo activity. I'm not into going to the pub. Trek cons (and especially genealogy!) bore him.

 

[Galactus]

It depends on the couple I guess, and the culture you live. In my personal experience it is people who are unhappy in their relationships that often want to be apart from their partner. I mean in today's world how on Earth can two working adults actually have enough time to spend with each other to want to be apart. Spending time together is the point of being married. I say if you feel like you need a lot of time to yourself then you should have stayed single and allowed your partner to find someone that wanted to spend time with them. I guess every couple is different but that is the general thought in my circle. I mean I don't get the point of being with someone if you don't actually enjoy being with them?

 

[1001001]

I mean I don't get the point of being with someone if you don't actually enjoy being with them?

That's awfully black-and-white, don't you think?

Having friendships and interests outside a marriage is not necessarily a sign that you "don't enjoy being with" your partner. And, in point of fact, it can mean there's a great deal of maturity and respect in your relationship.

Why must one person be everything to you for your whole life? It seems rather restrictive to me.

But again, that's just my marriage. Whatever works for you is what you should do.

 

[shivkala]

As wise woman once said: You know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.

 

[1001001]

As wise woman once said: You know, part of spending time together as a family is spending time apart as individuals.

Marge Simpson?

 

[Galactus]

Well it is an individual thing, so one is not more mature than the other. Plenty of people here have a different view of relationship than I do. I guess it all depends on what you are doing when you are apart. If you are basically acting like you are still single and chasing men/women then that would not work for me.