Married People: Do You Do Girls'/Guys' Nights?

[Kestra]

Not really... I've gone out and done things with friends without my wife and she has done things with friends without me, but usually those are things we wouldn't have done together anyways. And I know that for me, I'd rather her come along if she wants (she is, after all, my best friend).

It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that.

-and-​

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

That sounds like dangerous territory to me.

When "friends" start injecting themselves into your marriage, it is time to seriously reevaluate what type of friends they actually are. The fastest way to get on my bad side is to attack (in any way) my wife in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, saying things about my wife is the same as saying things about me. And attempting to put a wedge between my wife and I is really a bad place to go with me.

Girls'/Guys' Nights aside, if you have friends attempting to seed issues in your relationship with your husband, you should start looking for different friends.

And if you want to keep these friends, I would strongly suggest confronting them if they attempt that type of thing in the future. If they know not to cross that line, there is a good chance that they won't after you've made it perfectly clear to them.

Sorry for going on about that, but that is a major red flag for me.

Yeah, it's been a problem in the past. My husband and I have had some marital problems and my friends found out, and things got difficult after that. They mean well but none of them are married and don't really understand my views on marriage. I've been pretty blunt in that regard and most of it has died down, but it's uncomfortable just knowing what they feel, even if they're not saying it. But that's a matter for a different time, and I've totally gone off-topic here!

 

[Timby]

My wife and I have been married since July of 2007, and while we don't do everything together, we try to keep a healthy balance. There are things I like to do that my wife isn't a huge fan of, and vice-versa. It hasn't always been that way ... in fact, for quite some time, it was a point of aggravation in my house that my wife never did anything social on her own, but rather waited for me to make plans with my friends / co-workers and just latched onto those.

Things are a bit different, now, though. For example: I've mentioned this in passing, but I'm a recovering alcoholic -- so when my wife gets a call from one of her out-of-town friends and gets invited to go bar-hopping down Main Street, I encourage her to get out of the house, go have fun, and I'll pick her and her friend(s) up at midnight, or whatever. Other times, I'll get a call from one of a friend who wants to hook up on Xbox Live and kill some zombies in Left 4 Dead, which Katy has no interest in whatsoever, so she'll go do her own thing.

The long and the short of it is that we're not locked into any sort of routine. When we want to do things together, we will, and when we want to go our own ways, we do. Don't let your friends pressure you into something that feels awkward for you and your marriage. Do what's best for you and your husband.

 

[John Picard]

Not really... I've gone out and done things with friends without my wife and she has done things with friends without me, but usually those are things we wouldn't have done together anyways. And I know that for me, I'd rather her come along if she wants (she is, after all, my best friend).

It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that.

-and-​

I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

That sounds like dangerous territory to me.

When "friends" start injecting themselves into your marriage, it is time to seriously reevaluate what type of friends they actually are. The fastest way to get on my bad side is to attack (in any way) my wife in front of me. As far as I'm concerned, saying things about my wife is the same as saying things about me. And attempting to put a wedge between my wife and I is really a bad place to go with me.

Girls'/Guys' Nights aside, if you have friends attempting to seed issues in your relationship with your husband, you should start looking for different friends.

And if you want to keep these friends, I would strongly suggest confronting them if they attempt that type of thing in the future. If they know not to cross that line, there is a good chance that they won't after you've made it perfectly clear to them.

Sorry for going on about that, but that is a major red flag for me.

What I bolded a thousand times this. Remember, you married the person cause you supposedly love them, "forsaking all others"; you didn't marry your friends. If your friends don't like your marriage or how your conduct it, that's THEIR problem not yours and they need to deal with it or find the door.

Agreed. Between that, and nosey relatives who try to tell both you and your spouse how to live, act, what to buy, etc.

 

[I'm Kirk]

Me and my wife don't do the guys/girls night out things. We are very happy with each other's company. Sure we have a small group of friends but we don't need to have nights out with them to feel like we need to "get away". We really enjoy being together and doing things together - we have a blast.

 

[Scout101]

Gotta have some balance. Shouldn't be running seperate social lives, but gotta get a little space to yourself on occasion, as well. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you can't have friends, or your own interests, or even want a little alone time.

It's great that you're in love, committed to each other, etc, doesn't mean you have to spend 24/7 together. Don't run off all the time, but if your marriage can't take a little space on occasion (and we're mostly talking a night out, or weekend, or whatnot in this thread), maybe there are bigger issues in the marriage?

Seems some people here lean way too far towards the 'clingy, every moment together' side of the spectrum for my tastes...

 

[Small White Car]

but if your marriage can't take a little space on occasion (and we're mostly talking a night out, or weekend, or whatnot in this thread), maybe there are bigger issues in the marriage?

And do what? Go sit at McDonalds by myself? See a movie alone? Feed some ducks?

That all sounds pretty dull.

So what do you suggest I go out and do? You're the one that's calling me 'clingy.' You must have some suggestions.

 

[SeerSGB]

Gotta have some balance. Shouldn't be running seperate social lives, but gotta get a little space to yourself on occasion, as well. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you can't have friends, or your own interests, or even want a little alone time.

It's great that you're in love, committed to each other, etc, doesn't mean you have to spend 24/7 together. Don't run off all the time, but if your marriage can't take a little space on occasion (and we're mostly talking a night out, or weekend, or whatnot in this thread), maybe there are bigger issues in the marriage?

Seems some people here lean way too far towards the 'clingy, every moment together' side of the spectrum for my tastes...

Then it's a good thing you're not involved with any of us "clingy" types.

Some folks like spending their time with the kids and their spouses, 24/7 what have you. Some like doing the whole girls/guys night out deal. Different strokes for different folk, whatever works for your marriage.

I don't see the point of spending time apart, but then again I'm not in that type of marriage

 

[Kestra]

I don't think anyone's saying what their marriage can or cannot take. Everyone here is talking about preferences, not requirements.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I don't think anyone's saying what their marriage can or cannot take. Everyone here is talking about preferences, not requirements.

Exactly.

Also, there is a lot of stress in today's world. Kids, work, families, friends, etc. I think it's reasonable for each person to get a chance to unwind a bit for a few hours while the other watches the kids (if that's the case).

There is usually a line though and each man and woman knows where it is.

 

[SeerSGB]

I don't think anyone's saying what their marriage can or cannot take. Everyone here is talking about preferences, not requirements.

Exactly.

Also, there is a lot of stress in today's world. Kids, work, families, friends, etc. I think it's reasonable for each person to get a chance to unwind a bit for a few hours while the other watches the kids (if that's the case).

There is usually a line though and each man and woman knows where it is.

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

 

[John Picard]

I don't think anyone's saying what their marriage can or cannot take. Everyone here is talking about preferences, not requirements.

Exactly.

Also, there is a lot of stress in today's world. Kids, work, families, friends, etc. I think it's reasonable for each person to get a chance to unwind a bit for a few hours while the other watches the kids (if that's the case).

There is usually a line though and each man and woman knows where it is.

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

Yes, you do. It's after the kids go to bed or you get someone to watch them for a few hours. Been there, done that. The only reason American parents are so stressed is that they do it to themselves, thinking that the children always need to be entertained or be involved in one activity after another.

 

[TheLonelySquire]

I don't think anyone's saying what their marriage can or cannot take. Everyone here is talking about preferences, not requirements.

Exactly.

Also, there is a lot of stress in today's world. Kids, work, families, friends, etc. I think it's reasonable for each person to get a chance to unwind a bit for a few hours while the other watches the kids (if that's the case).

There is usually a line though and each man and woman knows where it is.

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

That's cool. I see where you're coming from to a point. I agree that we're never really "off" as parents. I disagree though that if we love our husband or wife that we can't allow them to relax for a few hours while we pick up the slack. Helping each other is one of the things we promised to do.

 

[Small White Car]

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

Oh give me a break.

The grandparents wanted to have my daughter over to play for a few hours yesterday so I let them. Oops, I'm a bad dad!

My daughter's bedtime is about 4 hours before mine so I watched an R rated movie after she went to bed. Oops, I'm having my cake and eating it too!

I often enjoy my lunch break during the work day. Oh no, I'm neglecting my child!

I stayed home and played with the kid for a few hours last weekend while my wife went out to lunch with her mom. Someone call the CPS on her, she's abandoning her kid!

 

[Yeoman Randi]

My husband and i will be celebrating our 30th this summer. For years we never went away with the other one. I couldn't ever imagine doing that!

About 6 years ago i started collecting a particular item that has yearly conventions. I wanted to go to a convention with all my collecting friends and finally broke down and did it. I'm away for 4-6 or so days with my friends. First year it was weird being away from the husband but i'm pretty use to it now and i really do enjoy the conventions and being with the other girls who "get" my collecting obsession.

I never in a million years thought i would go away without him, but here i am, looking forward to the next convention. And my husband lets me go with no problem, no guilt and really wants me to enjoy myself.

It's all a matter of what you and your husband are comfortable with. Don't listen to what anyone says. Just listen to your heart!

K, congratulations on your engagement!

 

[Scout101]

but if your marriage can't take a little space on occasion (and we're mostly talking a night out, or weekend, or whatnot in this thread), maybe there are bigger issues in the marriage?

And do what? Go sit at McDonalds by myself? See a movie alone? Feed some ducks?

That all sounds pretty dull.

So what do you suggest I go out and do? You're the one that's calling me 'clingy.' You must have some suggestions.

Why alone? You don't have any friends, aside from your spouse? No interests or hobbies?

I just don't get the mindset that has you doing nothing but couples stuff. I get that you LIKE spending time together, are best friends, etc, but I'd find it suffocating to live that way.

I'm engaged, and the fiance lives with me, but I still enjoy a little time to myself sometimes. Playing cards with the guys, screwing around on the computer or reading a book, or maybe even a night out at a movie or bar/whatever with friends.

No need to disappear from the world just because you're married...

 

[SeerSGB]

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

Oh give me a break.

The grandparents wanted to have my daughter over to play for a few hours yesterday so I let them. Oops, I'm a bad dad!

My daughter's bedtime is about 4 hours before mine so I watched an R rated movie after she went to bed. Oops, I'm having my cake and eating it too!

I often enjoy my lunch break during the work day. Oh no, I'm neglecting my child!

I stayed home and played with the kid for a few hours last weekend while my wife went out to lunch with her mom. Someone call the CPS on her, she's abandoning her kid!

Over react much?

Watching a R rated movie after the kids are in bed is one thing; you're still there with them if they need you or something happens. Going out and having a beer with the girls/guys and needing to "get away from the kids" is another matter entirely. If you "need to get away from the kids" or the spouse then why the hell have kids or get married in the first place.

 

[trampledamage]

See I look at having kids as being a 24/7 deal. You don't get to "unwind", you don't get to stop being daddy or mommy for a few hours. That's the problem, as I see, a lot with our [American] culture: you want to eat our cake and have it to.

Oh give me a break.

The grandparents wanted to have my daughter over to play for a few hours yesterday so I let them. Oops, I'm a bad dad!

My daughter's bedtime is about 4 hours before mine so I watched an R rated movie after she went to bed. Oops, I'm having my cake and eating it too!

I often enjoy my lunch break during the work day. Oh no, I'm neglecting my child!

I stayed home and played with the kid for a few hours last weekend while my wife went out to lunch with her mom. Someone call the CPS on her, she's abandoning her kid!

Over react much?

Watching a R rated movie after the kids are in bed is one thing; you're still there with them if they need you or something happens. Going out and having a beer with the girls/guys and needing to "get away from the kids" is another matter entirely. If you "need to get away from the kids" or the spouse then why the hell have kids or get married in the first place.

You're also over-reacting.

There's nothing bad about taking me-time in a marriage or a family. Having parents with outside interests is good for the children too, because it shows them there's more to Mom than just "being mom". And if it helps you feel refreshed and enjoy the experience of being with your kids all the more then good for everyone.

As Yeoman Randi said: Don't listen to what anyone says. Just listen to your heart!

 

[John Picard]

My husband and i will be celebrating our 30th this summer. For years we never went away with the other one. I couldn't ever imagine doing that!

About 6 years ago i started collecting a particular item that has yearly conventions. I wanted to go to a convention with all my collecting friends and finally broke down and did it. I'm away for 4-6 or so days with my friends. First year it was weird being away from the husband but i'm pretty use to it now and i really do enjoy the conventions and being with the other girls who "get" my collecting obsession.

I never in a million years thought i would go away without him, but here i am, looking forward to the next convention. And my husband lets me go with no problem, no guilt and really wants me to enjoy myself.

It's all a matter of what you and your husband are comfortable with. Don't listen to what anyone says. Just listen to your heart!

K, congratulations on your engagement!

I have friends like that in the car hobby. One spouse has one hobby, and the other has a different hobby. Each respects the other's area of interest and both actually get along better because of the time away from each other and the opportunity to share the results of their adventures.

It's the spouses who think they must be joined at the hip 24/7 who are the ones most miserable. I've seen many a "whipped man" who had to sell off his collection, his car, or whatever was his hobby because the wife told him he needed to "grow up"

 

[SeerSGB]

Oh give me a break.

The grandparents wanted to have my daughter over to play for a few hours yesterday so I let them. Oops, I'm a bad dad!

My daughter's bedtime is about 4 hours before mine so I watched an R rated movie after she went to bed. Oops, I'm having my cake and eating it too!

I often enjoy my lunch break during the work day. Oh no, I'm neglecting my child!

I stayed home and played with the kid for a few hours last weekend while my wife went out to lunch with her mom. Someone call the CPS on her, she's abandoning her kid!

Over react much?

Watching a R rated movie after the kids are in bed is one thing; you're still there with them if they need you or something happens. Going out and having a beer with the girls/guys and needing to "get away from the kids" is another matter entirely. If you "need to get away from the kids" or the spouse then why the hell have kids or get married in the first place.

You're also over-reacting.

There's nothing bad about taking me-time in a marriage or a family. Having parents with outside interests is good for the children too, because it shows them there's more to Mom than just "being mom". And if it helps you feel refreshed and enjoy the experience of being with your kids all the more then good for everyone.

As Yeoman Randi said: Don't listen to what anyone says. Just listen to your heart!

Just don't believe that. Once you have kids, till they're grown, your mom and dad, there shouldn't be more in your life, you shouldn't need more than your kids and spouse.

My 2 cents.

 

[Alpha Romeo]

Just reaching out to the married people on the board. How often do you go out for a night with the girls or guys? Do you ever take vacations with just your friends, and not your family? Is there a difference to you between hanging out with your friends for an evening, or being gone for a night?

I have a group of friends that I love, but they keep wanting to do trips or just doing a night on the town and getting a hotel room for the night, and I'm not super into it. Is that odd? It's not like my husband has told me not to go, or anything like that. I just don't like to be apart for the night or if we are, I don't like to do it often. I've tried to tell my friends about this in the past but they act like I'm letting my husband control me, and it's just a difficult subject.

How do other people handle the situation? Does it just not matter to you, and you and your spouse are okay parting ways for trips and such?

Non-married people can contribute thoughts too!

My wife and I do what we want when we want to. We're a team but we also understand that we can't be together 24/7.

Example: I'm a member of the local fire department. So I'm often gone on training exercises or calls or whatever. She doesn't mind.

My wife goes to France to visit her cousin one a year. I choose not to go.

We miss eachother, but you know what they say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder!